by RH Tucker
“Just tell him to drop dead,” Jen says.
“Jen, I—”
My phone chimes again.
BigBaller27: Ok
BigBaller27: Hey, so do u like basketball?
I gape at the screen, trying to keep my head from exploding. No, this isn't cheating. It's not. But why do I feel like I'm cheating on Carter when Baller brings up basketball? Because Carter loves basketball and now, talking about it with someone I once liked, feels … weird.
Emerald22: Why would u ask me that?
New worries sprout in my mind. Did he actually show up that day and see Carter? Does he know who I am and that Carter and I are a thing? Oh no, maybe he's one of Carter's friends.
BigBaller27: Just curious. I wanted to meet u finally. I thought we might meet at our basketball team's last game tomorrow?
No. No, this is not happening. I can’t let this happen.
Emerald22: I don’t think that’s a good idea
BigBaller27: :(
BigBaller27: Y not?
I just need to tell him. Just put it out there. He’ll understand, right?
Emerald22: Look, I liked u. But…
Emerald22: Recently I’ve been talking to someone else. I don’t think it’s a good idea if we meet anymore
BigBaller27: Damn. I guess I blew it, huh?
See? Even in that text, he doesn’t come off as spiteful. He seems cordial. Understanding. It almost freaks me out how well he’s taking it.
BigBaller27: Is he nice?
Emerald22: No
I smile, knowing exactly what I’m typing, but he replies before I can send my next text.
BigBaller27: What???
Emerald22: He’s amazing. He’s great.
A smile cements on my face, remembering Carter's kisses.
BigBaller27: I’d still really love to meet u? Plz
Emerald22: No, I’m sorry. I don’t see the point
BigBaller27: Just to know who u r. Plz plz plz. U can even bring ur friend who threatened to kick me in the nuts. I'd just really like to meet u finally. Maybe we can just be friends
“Seriously, you need to stop texting that dill-hole.” Jen curls her lip, which makes me smile after seeing the last text he sent.
“He wants to meet.”
“You cannot be serious.”
“Do it.” Lana gives me a mischievous smile.
"No!" Jen yells at her, and I'm a little taken aback. If anything, I'd have thought Jen would be the one egging me on to meet him. "Emma, you will not meet that asshole. You're going out with Carter now."
“Am I though?”
“What?” She scoffs. “Okay, you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend.” She uses air quotes. “You may not be, like, official but I saw you guys Friday night. You’re together.”
I nod. “Yeah, you’re right. What’s wrong with me? This is so stupid.”
“But don’t you want to know who he is at least?” Lana asks.
Jen gives her a warning look, as I stare back at my phone. It's not like I don't want to know. I've wanted to know for nearly a month. But the more time has gone by, the less important it's become. My eyes jump back and forth between Jen and Lana, who seem to be the little angel and devil that sit on your shoulders. Scrolling back through our text conversation, I see my reply about Carter. How he's nice and great. I'd hate for him to find out I'm meeting someone, who I honestly don't really want to meet anymore. Then I get an idea.
Emerald22: Fine. I’ll meet u if the guy I’m talking to is okay with it.
BigBaller27: I’ll take it :)
He immediately replies, and I smile at my phone, thinking how this will be over and done with tomorrow. What guy wants his girl meeting some random guy? Then I melt a little inside, imagining Carter thinking of me as his girl.
Chapter 35
Carter
“You what?”
Emma looks at me like I drowned a bag full of kittens.
"Yeah, I think you should do it," I answer her again, doing everything humanly possible to stay calm when all I want to do is break out in hysterics.
I keep a firm grasp on her hand as we walk because even though this is all part of my plan, I don't want her to feel like I'm saying she should just randomly go off and meet some mysterious guy. I want to come off as confident like I have nothing to worry about. But the way she's looking at me, I know I need to be very careful.
After I finished eating lunch, I walked over to the quad and met up with her. Jen nearly choked on her food as I approached their lunch table. The rumors about me have died a bit, but there’s still a ton out there. The biggest one now is about the numbers of girls I asked to lie about hooking up with me. Whether she believes any of them or not, Jen still looks at me like I’m the biggest player in school, which earns me a smirk when I ask if I can sit with them.
My plan is to ask her to go to my last game, this time as me and not Baller. We head to history, and before I have a chance to ask her, she brings up the text message conversation. She seems at ease about it and is practically force feeding me reasons why she shouldn't go. Her eyes nearly fall out of their sockets, when I tell her she should meet him. My exact words are, "Yeah, that'd be cool. You should meet him."
I didn’t think my plan all the way through.
“You think I should do it?” She stops walking, looking slightly confused. “You think I should meet him?”
“Yeah. What’s the big deal? It’s just some random guy, right?”
“I guess.”
"I mean, you're not into him, are you?"
“Well, no, but …”
“But what?”
After looking down for a moment, she raises her head and meets my eyes. The hurt I saw the day she thought I stood her up is there. Damn it. If she thinks that I don't care that she goes off and meets him, she might think I don't like her that much, or at all. That I'm not even the tiniest bit jealous if she meets some guy, which is entirely false. Because if this were a real conversation, about meeting someone I didn't know, I'd probably flip my shit and want to chain myself to her. The jealousy writhes through me just thinking about it.
“Sorry.” I let go of her hand, wrapping both arms around her, pulling her closer. “I didn’t mean to sound like it isn’t a big deal. I guess I just trust you.”
“What are we?”
Her blunt question makes me raise my eyebrows. “What are we?”
“Look, I’m trying not to be that girl, but I thought you liked me. I mean, I like you, and—”
“You like me?” I cut her off with a smile.
“Yes.” She starts to blush, shaking her head. “I mean, you do like me, right?”
She looks away, but her directness is something I’ve grown fond of. I always appreciated how she seemed to say what she meant when we texted. I guess it’s easier to sound much more confident through digital words than it is through vocal ones.
I put a finger under her chin, bringing her eyes back to meet mine. I wanted to save these words for her when I finally surprised her at the game, but I can’t hold it back. I have to tell her.
“No,” I whisper. “I think I’m in love with you.”
I don't know what kind of reaction I was expecting from her, but standing there frozen, is not something I thought would happen. She blinks, so I know she's not catatonic, but now I feel like I've made a colossal mistake. Maybe it's too soon. No, it's not too soon for me. I know this girl. I'm in love with this girl. Shit, what do I do?
“You what?” she says, but it’s so low I can hardly hear it.
“Sorry.” I keep my eyes locked on hers, afraid if I look away she’s going to disappear. “Was that too soon?”
"Too soon? Too Soon?" Her voice gets louder, and with each second, she's coming back to life. She looks utterly baffled. "Carter, how can … you barely know me."
“No.” I shake my head. “I know you. And you know me.”
"What are you talking about?" More of her confidence is returning, and I'm not
sure if she's getting mad or annoyed. "I've known who you are, sure. But I don't know you.”
“Emma, you know better than almost anyone.”
“That doesn’t even make sense.” She pulls her hands up to my chest. It’s still a good sign that she hasn’t backed away from me, right? “Okay, you … you …” I smile as her cheeks get red. “You feel that way about me, which is a whole other topic I think we need to talk about later, but this is so confusing.”
“What?”
“If you feel like that, why are you so okay with me meeting this mystery guy. It doesn’t make any sense!”
No shit. I really need to think these things out better. My brain scrambles, trying to think of something. “Well, um, it’s my game.”
“What?”
“It’s my last game. I’ll be there. I want to see who this guy is myself.” Yeah, this could be viable. “I want you to meet him and that way, I can see who he is, and then he can see how badly he screwed up. I might not sound jealous, but that’s only because I believe in us. I’m telling you, Emma, I really—”
“Don’t say it.”
I smirk. “Like you.”
"Okay, fine. What if this guy shows up and I take one look at him, and I'm awestruck. I'm hit with love at first sight. What then?"
It's almost painful how hard I'm trying not to smile because I'd love it if that happened. If, when I finally reveal myself, she throws herself into my arms and tells me she loves me back. But no, I can't laugh or smile or even grin at her worry. I need to act like I'd be jealous. I try to think of her feeling like that for someone else, and it's easier to get into that mindset.
“Screw that,” I spit out.
“See?”
I don't know how long we've been standing by the building until the bells sounds, letting us know lunch is over, and it's time for our next class.
"Okay, am I jealous? Yes. But maybe I just don't want you doubting yourself. Like, second-guessing, or something."
“What do you mean?”
"You know, that ‘what if' mentality?" I pull her closer, and she seems a little hesitant. "I just don't want you to say, ‘what if' later." She stares at me with a befuddled expression. "Come on, we're gonna be late for class."
Chapter 36
Emma
What the hell just happened? I walk into history, and I can't stop looking across the room at Carter. First, he acted like it isn't a big deal for me to meet some guy I've been texting. He actually said it was a good idea and that I should do it. Then, he told me he loved me? What? I'm not one to shy away from love, but still! He barely knows me but insists that he does. And that I know him.
Throughout the entire conversation, my insides were twisting like a pretzel because now I'm second guessing what I'm feeling. I mean, I like him, that much I know. But is it more than that? The conversations we've had between classes and at lunch have been nice. And I can't ignore how it feels when we kiss. It's like his lips were made to fit mine.
Then I remember how I felt about Baller. We talked so much. We had no physical contact, and we didn't even see each other, but by the time I was going to meet him I was falling. Hard. That's why I was so devastated when he didn't show. If only I could combine my long conversations I had with Baller and the epic gorgeousness of Carter.
Stop being ridiculous, Emma.
Plus, I shouldn't be thinking like that, should I? That really would be like cheating, right? I look back over at Carter, as he takes notes on something Mrs. Yanick is talking about. He looks over and gives me that incredible smile. It's like he only sees me. It makes my insides go all gooey. But if that's how he feels, and if he really does love me, then why is he so calm about me meeting Baller. Ugh, it's an infinite conundrum, and all I can do is keep going around and around.
Once the bell rings, I make my way outside where Carter’s waiting in his usual spot to walk me to class. As I start to walk, he grabs my hand.
"Hey, I have to get to class early. I need to go over some stuff with Matt."
“Oh.” I look over his shoulder and Matt gives me a friendly wave. “Okay.”
“Look, I’m sorry about everything I said at lunch. Meet him or don’t, it’s up to you. I know I don’t seem jealous, but I just really—” I raise my eyebrow at him, unsure what he’s going to say, and he smirks. “Like you. And I thought you said you liked me too?”
“I do like you.”
“Good,” he says, smiling. “Then, I want you at the game.”
“What?”
"Not to meet some douchebag that didn't meet you. I mean, seriously, how in God's name could anyone who's talked to you for two minutes, whether it's just text or not, not want to meet you?" Okay, see, that sounds like something I thought he'd say originally. "But I want you there. For me."
“Really?” I smile up at him as he wraps his arms around me.
"Yeah. You asked me a question earlier, and we kind of got off topic."
“I did?”
My brain is crammed with Carter’s declaration of love, his nonchalant attitude over a mysterious guy wanting to meet me, and now how he’s acting so adorable and sweet. I thought girls were supposed to be the confusing ones.
“You did. You asked what we were?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Well, we’re together. If that’s okay with you?” He waits for my answer, nervousness across his face as if he thinks I’ll actually say no. I nod and smile. “So, then, I’d like my girlfriend at my last game of the season.”
Okay, I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. But the way he's staring at me, the smile he gives me, the way he's holding me close to him. All topped off by him calling me his girlfriend? Some serious heartstrings are being pulled.
“I’ll be there then,” I say, my grin stretching from ear to ear. “To see my boyfriend.”
My words light him up, brighter than a Christmas tree. He leans in closer, bringing a hand to my cheek. Our eyes lock for a moment before I stare at his lips. Leaning closer to kiss me, I'm not concerned about who's looking, who's whispering, or what rumors are going to be spread. I'm not worried about anything because everything about his lips against mine feels perfect.
When he breaks away, I try not to frown, wanting to kiss him forever.
“I’ll see you tonight at the game.” He smiles and gives me another kiss, much too fast for my liking, before he walks away with Matt.
I'm beaming as I walk to art, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. When my phone vibrates, I pull it out, and my mood suddenly shifts.
BigBaller27: So? What do u say?
I let out a groan because I'm really over this guy now. Especially since Carter just called me his girlfriend. The thought brings back my smile.
Emerald22: No. I'm sorry, but I can't do that
BigBaller27: Okay :(
BigBaller27: Jeez, this must be a good guy. Are u two in love or something?
I don’t know what it is about the text, but I don’t like it. It sounds condescending, even though he’s never come across like that before. Knowing how Carter feels, something else hits me. I don’t know that I’m in love with him right now, but I could be in the future. I know I shared personal things with Baller in the past, but that was the past. Then he stood me up. It’s none of his business who I’m in love with, or not. Like. Who I’m in like with.
Emerald22: That’s none of ur biz
BigBaller27: I know. I’m sorry :(
BigBaller27: Okay, I tell you what. If u do show up, I’ll be there
Emerald22: I will be there because the guy I'm seeing is my bf now. He's on the team
Why do I feel compelled to tell him that? Maybe because then he’ll get the hint that these text messages should end. I’m about to delete the messages, as the next text comes in.
BigBaller27: He’s on the team?! Wow…
BigBaller27: Well, there are some cool guys on the team. I know Lucas Mitchell
BigBaller27: Just please don’t tell m
e it’s Carter Dixon or Jeremy McCormick. Those two are doucheheads
My mouth drops as I stop outside the art room, letting out a loud scoff.
Emerald22: Y r u being such an ass?
Emerald22: I already told you I’ll be there and I have a bf. As far as I’m concerned, we’re done talking!
BigBaller27: Ur right. I’m sorry. Plz don’t be mad :(
I don’t answer.
BigBaller27: Plz :’(
I want to be upset because he's never been so rude before, but my default mode kicks in, looking at it from his side. What if he was telling me he had a girlfriend now, and I was the one pushing to meet still? Would I be feeling the same thing as him? Probably.
Emerald22: It’s fine. But srsly, I don’t think we should text anymore. I’m sorry
BigBaller27: :(
BigBaller27: I understand. If you want to meet at the game though, just to find out and be friends, I’ll be there. I’ll be wearing a wearing a red headband
I walk into the art room and stare at my phone as the bell rings. I feel like I should type back. Maybe tell him not to go or that I won't be looking for him. But I don't text anything back. Instead, I finally delete our entire conversation and his number.
“But what if I see him?” I ask, fidgeting with my hoodie, as Jen sits on my bed.
I told her everything. How Carter and I are official now, and he wants me at the game, but how Baller also texted me and said he'd be there too. The only thing I didn't tell her is that Carter told me he loved me, because … I don't know. It rattled around my brain the rest of the day, and now that we’re about to go to the game, I still don’t know how to feel about it. I’m not freaked out. I know we seem to have a connection, but am I in love? The question returns my thoughts to Baller who, even though I deleted all of our text messages, I still feel a connection with too. Which is why I’m freaking out over him being at the game.