by Max Frei
“He’ll lick you from head to toe,” Juffin said. “I wish I had your worries, boy! Fine, let’s quit gabbing for a bit. You should eat something, and I want to take a minute to try puzzling out these blasted maps.”
He puzzled not for a minute, but for a good half-hour.
“Now it’s clear to me why Mackie won’t let me into Kettari,” my boss said at last, grinning.
“But Mackie said—”
“Never mind what he said. It seems the old man still thinks I don’t catch on too quickly. He’s the one who won’t let me in, who else? You see, Max, I remember too well what Kettari was really like. And when authentic and reliable memories of sorcerers like Mackie and myself collide, and even contradict each other—well, any World at all, not just a newborn one, runs the risk of flying to pieces.”
“So I was led by the nose,” I sighed. “And it was Mackie who wouldn’t let Shurf follow me, and not some unknown force.”
“And a good thing it was he didn’t let him. You were very busy just then. You were creating a new World, as I understand. It’s very natural, Max. You were led by the nose a bit, but the true purpose was to lead me astray. So don’t fret about it. Mackie doesn’t always know himself what is true and what isn’t, believe me. He’s come up with more than a dozen versions of Kettari! It’s too bad you couldn’t collect all the existing maps of my dear old town.”
“Well, what can I say? Juffin, are you in the mood to tell me a little about Sir Mackie Ainti? I just can’t figure out what kind of creature he is. He told me he’s been alive since time immemorial, and that he rolled into the World from who-knows-where, and somehow I believe him implicitly. Last night he sent me a call, very friendly, thanking me one last time. I hardly survived that short exchange with him! And what happened after I met him for the first time—I’ve already told you about that.”
“Believe it or not, I can’t help you there, Max,” Juffin smiled. “I spent more than twelve dozen years by his side, but I could never get to the bottom of him. It’s most likely my fate, to live in proximity to strange creatures like you and Mackie all the time. You may laugh when I say this, but you and he are like two peas in a pod. But you’re young and foolish, while he, in a sense, is perfection. That’s the way I remember him. There wasn’t a single human weakness in him. To this day, I’m still not sure he ever goes to the bathroom! I swear by the World I never caught him at it!” Juffin said with a hearty laugh. “But I’m sure you’ll be better at talking to him in his own language than I was in my time. You and he already see eye to eye. Oh, you’re a lucky fellow!”
“Yes, lucky! Only you advise me not to go to sleep without your protective rag, since all the Monsters of the Universe are out hunting. All the same, everything’s just hunky-dory!”
“Well, what is it you really want, Max?” the boss asked, knitting his brow. “A tranquil life? A little house with a garden, where you can wait patiently for old age in the company of your dear wife and a horde of grandkids? A royal pension for ‘outstanding service’? I can tell you right now that’s not going to happen. Never. All the other joys of life are there for the taking, though. Including the Monsters of the Universe, as you call them.”
“That’s fine with me. Better monsters than hordes of grandkids! You’re good at scaring people, Juffin—I’ll grant you that.”
And I was sent on my way.
There was a free-for-all of everyone else who wished to smother me in hugs, starting with Melifaro, who was the first to tackle me (he had been waiting in line, it seemed, since the evening before), and ending with the shy Sir Lookfi Pence and Sir Kofa Yox, who was too heavy for such strenuous exercises. Even Melamori dispensed with the demure restraint that had characterized our not-very-businesslike dealings lately. It appeared that she wanted us to be friends again. That was no small thing, since friendship was the only thing on the horizon for us. But I had already learned to live with this prospect. And she had, too. In any case, it didn’t hurt me anymore. I was glad to see Melamori and all the others. And they were glad to see me with my own face again. I was loved! Darn, it’s worth a lot if in some World or other there’s a place where you’re loved by at least five people. And then there was Lonli-Lokli, who was already at home asleep, and the mighty Lady Sotofa, who was so genuinely pleased with my rare visits. And a few more good fellows who also seemed to have a soft spot in their hearts for me.
“Hey gang, you know what?” I shouted when we had started in on the next jug of kamra from the Glutton Bunba (we had polished off so many I had lost count.) “I’m happy.”
Why in the World were they roaring with laughter? They couldn’t possibly have seen the Droopy Dog cartoons.
In the evening, I felt even happier, since I got to spend time with Chuff. He really did lick me from head to toe, but I didn’t mind. Then my eyelids started growing heavy. Had they cast a spell on me? But who needs a spell when a person hasn’t slept for two days or overindulged in Elixir of Kaxar?
In the middle of the night I woke up, unable to remember where I was. Looking around, I realized I was in my own bed at Sir Juffin’s, and that he was sitting over by the wall. His eyes seemed to glitter in the dark—but whose eyes don’t play tricks on them when they’re fresh from sleep? Anyway, the sight of him sent shivers down my spine.
“Sleep, Max. Don’t bother me,” my boss said drily. And I dropped off to sleep like a good boy.
In the morning Juffin looked tired, but satisfied.
“Go home, Max. I think I’ll sleep a bit. Come to the Ministry after lunch, or even later. It doesn’t matter when, just show up. And don’t forget about the kerchief if you feel like taking a nap. You’re just going to have to get used to it.”
“Well, if you say so. What did you find out about me?”
“Loads of things that wouldn’t interest you. Now scram, you monster! Let this old geezer get some rest.”
At home I was set upon with loud meows by Ella, who was even stouter than when I had left. Armstrong, in his turn, demonstrated brilliant logic: he stared at me pensively, then lazily walked over to his bowl. Well, it made perfect sense.
“Did you miss me?” I asked cheerily. “You don’t have to put on an act. I know you didn’t. I just cramp your style! I come in here making all kinds of noise; but that’s all right, I’ll feed you now.”
After feeding my beasties, I began unpacking my bags. It’s hard to imagine anyone returning from a trip to another World with such useless stuff! The clothes and knick-knacks of Lady Marilyn; the flotsam and jetsam I had accidentally pulled out of the Chink between Worlds, including the box of Cuban cigars. I’ll have to take it to the Ministry, I thought. Some aficionado will surely step forward to claim them. The eleven maps of Kettari I would gladly have hung in the living room, but Sir Juffin had warned me that these souvenirs should be safely hidden from prying eyes. So I would have to hide them more carefully.
Finally, I pulled out a small, crumpled parcel. Sinning Magicians, I forgot! My one and only surprise for Sir Juffin, Dish Number 13 from the evening menu of the Country Home—that Kettarian delicacy, that reeking bacon grease, that acme of unfathomable vileness, a “remedy for nostalgia,” etc. Never mind, I’d give him his treat later in the day. Better late than never.
I left for work just after noon. The black and gold Mantle of Death seemed to me like the best of all possible garments. I must really have been homesick.
Sir Juffin wasn’t there yet. But in the Hall of Common Labor, Lonli-Lokli was already sitting in state, dressed all in white, his hands in the embellished protective gloves clasped over his chest.
This vision completely satisfied my esthetic expectations, and I broke into a smile.
“Shall we run down to the Glutton and back, Shurf? Or shall we pretend that you’re too busy?”
“Too busy I’m not,” he replied. “The Glutton Bunba is a place I missed even when we were in the Country Home.”
“Even in the back room of the Country Home, where ste
rn, gray-haired men threw themselves into games for small stakes, to kill time? I don’t believe it!”
“You’re right, Max. Let’s go, before I change my mind. Sir Melifaro, I’m leaving.”
“Has something already happened in the dark alleys of our capital, gentlemen killers?” Melifaro’s quizzical face poked out of the doors of his office. “Whose blood are you planning to drink? Really—has something happened?”
“No,” Lonli-Lokli said. “We just think that your backside alone will be more than enough to wipe the dust off the chairs of our side of the Ministry. And Max and I will be doing just about the same thing, but in another place. I deeply regret that your working schedule won’t allow you to accompany us to the Glutton at this time of day.” He turned to me. “Let’s hurry, Max, before something does happen. You’re too lucky in attracting adventures.”
Melifaro’s mouth fell open. The airy monologue of the deadpan Lonli-Lokli, the last bastion of seriousness in our small, zany organization, was too much for him.
“Where’s our good old Lomki-Lonki? What did you do to him at that resort town, Max? Cast a spell on him? Admit it, you beast you!”
“There’s nothing to admit. I just gave him a piece of my mind a few times and swore at him like it was going out of style. Right, Shurf?” I winked at Lonli-Lokli. “I’ll have to try the same thing on this fellow here. Who knows what kinds of transformations—”
“Yes, Max, that was some first-rate cussing you did there,” Shurf said with an air of nostalgia. “As for Melifaro, I think you might want to give it a try in his presence. Maybe after that he’ll finally learn my name. You must do it soon. In the interests of civic peace and social tranquility.”
And we left proudly, the two most fearsome people in the Unified Kingdom, I in the Mantle of Death, and Shurf in the Garments of Truth—a veritable double-edged sword.
An hour later we returned, and Melifaro forced us to go over the whole thing again.
“Come on, what did you do to Loki-Lonki, Mr. Bad Dream?”
Poor Melifaro, the best investigator in all this World, kept on trying to get to the bottom of this unyielding mystery. I even started feeling sorry for him. It had been so long since I had had my own secrets, though. These days I was always trying to uncover the secrets of other people.
“I’ve told you the honest truth, friend. Shurf tried to wake me up, and I let him have it. Then I just about died with shame. But everything blew over, as you can see. Maybe my cursing worked like a spell.”
“What exactly did you tell him?” Melifaro prodded incredulously.
“I don’t remember. Ask him yourself. He took notes on my performance, and then demanded that I translate the meaning of some very colorful and exotic words.”
“He took notes? Well, Max, you’ve put my mind at ease. It’s not all that bad. Only good old Shurf is capable of writing down all the filth people say to him in good conscience. To broaden his horizons. Yes, that means everything is fine.”
Juffin was already waiting for me in the office by the time I returned to the House by the Bridge.
“Ta-da!” I exclaimed from the doorway. “I completely forgot! You asked me to bring you a souvenir from your homeland.” I drew the crumpled parcel from the pocket of the Mantle of Death. “I decided to give you the thing that moved me more than all the other Kettarian wonders. Don’t be offended.”
“Offended? Why should I get offended, Max?” I noticed with astonishment that Juffin was sniffing the package and inhaling its unbearable stench with downright pleasure. “Oh, I understand. You know nothing about real delicacies, son!” Sir Juffin carefully unwrapped the parcel and bit off a piece in delight. “You wanted to laugh at the old man, didn’t you? You can’t imagine how happy you’ve made me!”
Deep down, I’m not such a scoundrel as I seem. I wasn’t terribly disappointed. If Sir Juffin considers that to be a rare delicacy—well, so much the better.
“Excellent,” I said, and smiled. “The greater are my chances of escaping alive from the clutches of the famous Kettarian Hunter.”
“Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t indulge in false modesty, nor would I get my hopes up. Didn’t Mackie tell you that hope is a foolish sentiment?”
“So you were there with me, Juffin? I knew it, I just knew it!”
“Don’t be silly, Max. I was right here in Echo, and I was engaged in much more important matters than—” He trailed off, but his smile was cunning.
“The next time you’re on hand to observe my sensational adventures, if it’s not too much trouble, will you please applaud my modest victories? I’d appreciate it.”
And with enormous pleasure I demonstrated the famous Kettarian gesture, two gentle taps on the nose with the forefinger of the right had. Practice had made perfect—I did it almost automatically.
“Oh, Max!” Juffin said. “Sometimes you’re really touching, do you know that? Fine. You’ll be having a mug of kamra with Melamori soon. Sir Kofa will grab you tonight, there’s no room for doubt there. And Lookfi won’t fail to visit you at sundown, as soon as he puts the buriwoks to bed for the night, and before you leave for home. How do you like that for a busy schedule? You won’t collapse in exhaustion?”
“I just might. And you, Juffin? Have you had enough for today?”
“Absolutely. I’m on my way home. Do as you wish, but I’m tired after the past few days. I’ll just stop by Xolomi—one of the old-timers there took a notion to escape, can you imagine? Now the boys are trying to scrape his remains from the walls of his cell, and I’m required to be present, since someone there thinks it’s a serious case. A ‘serious case’!” Juffin said comically, and stood up. I plunked myself down in the chair he had just vacated.
Thereafter, everything happened strictly according to the schedule Sir Juffin Hully had devised. I even shared some kamra with Lady Melamori, as he had predicted—something I really hadn’t counted on. But we chattered away like old friends, I won’t deny it.
Things were falling into place in my life. I didn’t dare count on more. For the time being, it was enough.
It took me three days to realize that none of my colleagues liked cigars. Only Lady Melamori was daring enough to try one, but it was pure bravado. Her face didn’t show a trace of pleasure, just undiluted determination. I stuffed the box in the desk drawer. I had one vague hope left—that General Boboota would recover.
He had to be good for something, that big meanie! He’d look great with a cigar stuck in his mouth. And these were the biggest worries I had, Magicians be praised!
“You’re still not missing a dose of daily marvels?” Sir Juffin asked innocently on about the fourth day after my return.
“Not at all,” I said. “Has something happened?”
“Well, the marvels have been missing you,” Juffin said, with a grin. “I was just wondering whether you’d want to keep me company. I’m thinking of visiting Maba.”
“What a question! Of course I do!”
This time Maba Kalox met us in the hall.
“I think today we might sit in another room,” he remarked casually. “You have no objection to a little variety, do you?”
Wandering rather aimlessly through the corridors (I got the impression that Sir Maba himself wasn’t entirely sure which door led to this ‘other room’), we finally settled ourselves in a small chamber that resembled a bedroom more than a living room, though I didn’t see a bed.
“Mackie’s spoiling you, Max,” our cordial host said, pulling out a tray with some strange dishes from under the small table. “He’s sent you enough of those smoking sticks to last you the rest of your life. You’ve probably even stopped practicing.”
“No, not at all,” I said. “It’s such a good way to economize on food. No need to spend money shopping—I just stick my hand somewhere, and presto! You’re not the only one who loves money. Do you know how greedy I am?”
“I suspected you were,” Sir Maba said. “Is this true, Juffin?”
> “And how! You know what he sometimes eats? Some strange little sausage hidden inside a big bun. It’s disgusting. And he enjoys it!”
“I’ve adored hot dogs my whole life.” I was already tired of this subject. “The consequences of a deprived childhood, and all that. And look who’s talking! That Kettarian ‘delicacy’ of yours . . .”
“I’ve got your numbers, boys,” Maba said. “You’re so much alike sometimes, it’s just unbelievable. You know, Max, Juffin thinks that you’ve seen through his little trick, so . . . Well, so now you might be a bit angry with us.”
“No way!” I exclaimed. “I’m already used to people making a fool of me, so don’t worry!”
Sir Maba stood up and went over to the window.
“We’re not worried. Come over here and take a look.”
I went over to the window and froze. It didn’t look out onto the garden at all, but onto a very familiar street. Dumbfounded, I stared at the yellow paving stones, then raised my eyes. A small fountain played merrily, sending its multihued spray into the sky.
“High Street?” I asked hoarsely. “Is it Kettari?”
“Well, at least it’s not the border of the County Vook,” Juffin replied cheerfully behind me.
“Only, don’t tell your friend Old Mackie about this window. Agreed?”
Sir Maba Kalox winked at me.
“He doesn’t have to worry. Fierce old Juffin isn’t planning to climb through it.” And Sir Maba lightly tapped his nose with the forefinger of his right hand.
Two good people can always come to an understanding. There’s no denying it.