“I see my mail was brought by at some point.” Ezra scooped Icarus from the floor and kissed his head. “You’ve gotten so big and aren’t you such a good boy. It doesn’t look like you did anything you shouldn’t have while we were gone. Such a good boy.” Ezra carried his envelopes, including a flat box, and Icarus to the couch. He sat and cuddled with Icarus while pulling papers from their envelopes.
Declan sat across from him. “You’re the only person I know who opens their bills first when they have a package.”
Ezra kept his gaze locked on his task, still refusing to look at Declan. “They’re not bills. These are letters from my fans that were passed along by my manager. I know what’s in the box. It’s an early edition of my latest magazine spread. Each letter is always a surprise. I’d rather see them first.”
A bitter smile tugged at Declan’s lips. “So you plan to read your fan mail until I get frustrated and leave.”
Ezra tossed the letters aside. His gaze finally locked onto Declan. The hatred in his eyes made Declan regret wishing for Ezra’s attention. “What do you want from me, Declan?”
Declan’s throat unexpectedly swelled, making his voice gruff. “I want you to stop being mad at me. Jessie thinks it’s his fault you don’t come around anymore. That’s guilt he doesn’t need right after getting out of rehab.”
“I still come around. Plus, how would you know? You’ve been traveling the country for the past month.”
“I still have ears and eyes on Jessie’s life. You don’t come around like you used to and you know it,” Declan shot back. Aggravation swelled in Declan’s chest. Ezra looked too skinny. His eyes had dark circles beneath them. He needed his only family, but he wasn’t reaching out to Jessie, and that was on Declan. Declan didn’t know how to make this stop. “I’ll quit, if that’s what it takes.” The offer burst from Declan without thought. That wasn’t what he wanted, but that was how far he would go. “You need Jessie and he needs you.” Jessie had finally gone to rehab after decades of hardcore drug use. He was clean and happy, but he needed his brother.
“Fuck you.”
Declan blinked. Ezra never, ever cursed. It was a hallmark of his personality. He always used cute words to replace bad words, and it was adorable. Declan was stunned speechless.
When he didn’t respond, Ezra gave him a sharp nod. “You heard me. Fuck you.” This time, Ezra enunciated each word, leaving no room for doubt that Declan heard him correctly. “You are a sorry-ass mother-fucking bastard. You’ve spent years, and I do mean literally years, pretending to be my friend.” Ezra visibly swallowed and blinked back tears. “The truth is you don’t care about me at all. All you care about is your job and your cushy life, driving my brother around and playing the bodyguard. I’m just Jessie’s little brother. Some pain in the ass you’ve had to deal with as part of your job.”
Declan couldn’t breathe. “That’s not true.”
“Get out. You have nothing to say to me.”
Desperation scratched at Declan’s brain and skin. This was the most time he had spent with Ezra in ages, and the thought of leaving was tearing him apart. “No.”
Ezra stood, set Icarus aside, and leaned Declan’s way. His eyes swam with rage and malice. “Get the fuck out of my house. I will not spend another second loving you while you fuck everyone with a pulse. You are not my friend. We are nothing. I don’t know why you came here tonight, but as I said, you have nothing to say to me.” Ezra straightened and headed for the door, as if he intended to leave himself if Declan wouldn’t. He made it halfway before throwing out his arm, as if seeking purchase from anything. Declan shot to his feet as Ezra crumpled—like his spirit left his body behind.
Declan raced across the room and fell to his knees. Ezra was out cold, and his pulse was weak. His lips were rapidly turning blue and his skin felt like ice. Declan scooped him into his arms and headed for the door. His heart raced and his breath left him in rapid bursts. Ezra had always been tiny, but he felt like nothing but air in Declan’s arms. He was nothing but skin and bones beneath his large sweatshirt. The truth slammed into Declan so hard, his knees nearly buckled. Ezra had relapsed. He was starving himself again, and Declan might have known it if he wasn’t such a terrible person.
Waking up in the ER was never fun, but Ezra didn’t plan to be there long. He was patiently waiting for his IV bags to empty, and then he would be on his way. That was the strategy Ezra concentrated on while everyone else in his room argued. Theo, Jessie, and Declan stood in a circle, talking about Ezra as if he wasn’t there. Jessie had rushed in his room with Theo hot on his heels. He had taken one look at Ezra and then focused his rage on Declan. That fact let Ezra know exactly how angry Jessie was. Jessie had never been good at yelling at Ezra, but he had to let his rage go somewhere. Declan was the person standing closest, so he became Jessie’s target.
“Tell me what in the fuck is going on.”
Everyone was so loud, yelling incoherently while Ezra’s head pounded, but Declan sounded oddly calm. Ezra imagined he had been forced to remain steady during a lot of crazy moments over the years to keep Jessie safe.
Declan was the only one speaking in an even-keeled tone as he tried to calm Jessie’s obvious panic. “I came back from my trip early and I stopped by The Back Porch. Ezra was there, helping out Wrecker. Since he had walked there, I offered to give him a ride back home.” Ezra rolled his eyes at the lies but kept listening. “At his place, I went in so Ezra could play with Icarus. Once inside, he collapsed. I tried waking him, but I couldn’t. His breathing was shallow, so I freaked and brought him here. They’re saying he is dehydrated and low on some key vitamins. It’s nothing serious. Once they pump him full of what he needs, they’ll let him go home.”
“Fuck all that,” Jessie practically yelled, obviously not reassured. “Is he starving himself again? Is that what happened here? Because he swore to me that all that anorexia bullshit was over before he moved out. He’s not fucking going home if he can’t keep that promise to me.”
Ezra had heard enough. He was tired of being treated like he was invisible. He raised his bed a little higher, reminding everyone he was right here and could hear every word they said. “Do you care to hear my side of things?”
Jessie shoved past Declan. Declan took a seat and crossed his arms over his chest—like he had given up and closed himself off from the room. Ezra was grateful for that. He didn’t need any more eyes upon him. Jessie’s angry stare was enough.
“Let’s hear it, then,” Jessie barked.
Ezra’s gaze slid Theo’s way. Theo was the only one who looked understanding, so Ezra looked at him as he spoke. “I guess I got kind of depressed after Christmas. You two had just gotten married and I didn’t want to bug you about it.”
“You got married,” Declan said, obviously finding a reason to finally lose his patience. “You got married and didn’t tell me.”
Ezra fought the urge to remind Declan of his earlier boast about having ears and eyes inside Jessie’s house even when he was out of town. It didn’t seem like he knew all the goings-on after all. Jessie and Theo had secretly gotten married in Ezra’s living room. Declan hadn’t known that one, so ha.
Jessie waved off Declan’s words. “Yeah. Don’t get mad. We’re doing a big wedding later. I just needed some privacy and time alone with Theo after rehab. We’re not talking about me right now.” Jessie focused on Ezra. “Go on.”
Since he looked calm now, Ezra focused on him. “Starving myself wasn’t a purposeful thing. I was happy for you and all. I was just sad for my own reasons.” He felt Declan’s stare as it settled on him. Ezra didn’t want to keep talking, but he did. Declan didn’t deserve to know his final rejection had broken Ezra “At first, I just didn’t feel like eating because I was depressed. I kept thinking it would pass, but it didn’t. Instead, my thoughts just kept getting darker. No one was calling. Not my friends or job offers. So my thoughts kept churning, telling me I’m not good enough. That I’m alone. Then I sta
rted wondering if I really am getting fat and if no one cares about me because I’m ugly and unappealing. I don’t know how these things grow. It just grew, turning into a vicious cycle. I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t eat. My appetite would re-emerge and then my brain would remind me that was why no one called. Then I’d lose my appetite again.”
Theo sat on the foot of the bed and rubbed Ezra’s leg. “Oh, babe. I’m so sorry I didn’t text or call while we were gone. You know I’m not used to having a phone, but that’s no excuse.”
A hot tear rolled down Ezra’s cheek. He swiped it away. “It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I told you, I’m messed up in the head. That’s no one’s problem but mine. I need to learn to live with being unwanted. That’s not on anyone but me.”
Jessie swiped a hand through the air, as if calling an end to Ezra’s bullshit. “We deal with this as a family. You’re coming home with me until you’re fixed again.”
Ezra’s chest nearly caved at the idea of living under Jessie’s roof, watching Declan sneaking men from the house. Another tear sneaked out. “No.” The word choked him, but he couldn’t back down. “You just got married. It’s time to focus on yourself. I’d prefer to do this alone.” No witnesses.
Jessie wasn’t backing down. “You’re not doing this alone. I’m sorry, but no. This is one of those times I can’t let you have your way. You’ve already proven you can’t be trusted to be left to your own devices.”
“I’ll stay with him.”
Ezra’s eyes fell closed as Declan’s voice cut through Jessie’s lecture.
Declan’s voice grew stronger. “He needs to learn to do better without the pressure of failing you every second of the day. So I’ll stay with him at his place. You know you can trust me to watch out for him.”
Ezra looked to Theo for help. Theo was the only one in the room who understood why Declan could not come stay under Ezra’s roof. He was the only one who knew Ezra was in love with Declan while Declan decidedly did not love him back.
Theo looked helpless as he tried interjecting on Ezra’s behalf. “Maybe Ezra should have the final say in this. He won’t get better if he’s chaffing against the process.”
Ezra flashed him a grateful smile. It disappeared the moment Jessie focused on him. He looked unbending.
“Fine. What’s it going to be, Ezra? Are you coming back to live with me or is Declan moving in with you for a while?”
“Neither. I’m grown. I can seek counseling all on my own.”
Jessie’s features hardened in a way that Ezra hadn’t seen in a long time and he knew he had lost. “There isn’t an option three for you. You’re either coming to live with me or Declan is moving in with you. Either way, you’re not going back to being alone. I love you and I won’t watch you kill yourself, so I suggest you choose what you can live with before I choose for you.”
Ezra’s gaze skirted the room, taking in everyone’s expressions. Theo looked crestfallen—like he had failed Ezra. Jessie looked unmoving. Ezra saved Declan for last. Declan’s expression was completely serene, confusing Ezra. In the end, there was only one option Ezra could live with. At least, under his roof, he didn’t think Declan would bring another man home and wave him in Ezra’s face.
“Declan can stay with me.”
Ezra swore he could feel Jessie’s and Declan’s combined satisfaction over him falling in line. Theo was the only one who looked devastated on Ezra’s behalf. Still, Ezra knew no one on the planet really understood. Ezra loved Declan and Declan only ever destroyed Ezra. This was not the best decision for his health, but Ezra would play along for now. Declan couldn’t watch him every second of the day. Ezra would find a way around this. One day, they would all regret interfering.
Two
The minute they got home; Ezra regretted his decision to let Declan stay. Declan refused to let him walk. Even six months ago, Ezra would have loved being in Declan’s arms. After getting carried from the hospital to the car and now from the car to the house, it annoyed him. “I can walk.”
Declan didn’t as much as glance his way as he easily opened the front door with Ezra held against his chest. “I know you can, but you’ve lost the privilege until you learn how to act right. I can’t trust you’re not counting the calories burned walking against the calories you can eat. Plus, you’re not wearing any shoes.”
Ezra rolled his eyes, but he held on tighter as Icarus threatened to trip Declan on the way to Ezra’s bed.
“When was the last time he was fed?”
Declan met his gaze at the question. He looked angry. “Oh, him you’re worried about if he doesn’t eat.”
Ezra looked away and let it go. No one got it. There was no sense in arguing. Everyone thought they had a right to be angry with him over this. No one considered what it was like living inside his head. They didn’t realize it had nothing to do with them at all.
Declan took an audible breath. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I had Johnny bring some groceries for us and Icarus while we were still at the hospital. I’ll fix you both a quick bite before bed.”
As much as Ezra hated the thought of putting food in his mouth, he would so Declan would leave him alone. Declan set Ezra on the bed. He tugged and pulled until Ezra was covered in all the blankets.
“Stay put,” Declan ordered before heading for the door.
Against his heart, Ezra eyed Declan. He was truly the sexiest man Ezra had ever set eyes on. It wasn’t fair. Jessie had always joked that at least one of Declan’s parents had been a giant. Ezra believed it. Declan was so tall, he had to duck through every door, and he was built like a brick wall. He looked like a dark Viking. His brown hair was always a shaggy mess while his light green eyes took people’s breath. He was the one who should have been a model. Declan was solid muscle and dripped sexiness. Ezra didn’t think he could be blamed for wanting him. Everyone did. Ezra wasn’t special.
With the familiar sinking feeling in his chest growing by the second, Ezra leaned over and helped Icarus into bed since the dog seemed determined to stay with him. Ezra curled onto his side and cuddled up with the sweet puppy he had given Declan for Christmas. As far as Ezra was concerned, Icarus was just one more example of a time when Ezra had given Declan more than he deserved. Ezra had shown up Christmas Eve night with the puppy in his arms and his heart in his throat, wanting nothing more than to make Declan smile. He had hoped to share the holiday with Declan before Declan left for his yearly six-week car trip around the country. Things had immediately gone wrong. After accidentally discovering Declan kept a stash of every magazine Ezra ever posed for, Ezra had gotten the wrong idea. He had thought that meant Declan felt something for him. After all, Theo had said he believed Declan was in love with Ezra, so Ezra didn’t think he was crazy. Apparently, Theo and Ezra were wrong. Ezra had made a fool of himself and kissed Declan. He wished he could claim it was the first time he had been stupid when it came to Declan. Every time he let himself get close to Declan, Declan found a way to make him pay. Usually, he made Ezra pay in the form of watching him bring home another man for the night. One would think that constant mental abuse would be enough to break Ezra from his stupid crush, but no. Ezra still wanted him.
“Don’t fall asleep before you eat this.”
Ezra rolled and sat up at Declan’s order.
Declan eyed the dog on the bed. “I don’t want him on the bed.”
“It’s my bed,” Ezra said, letting his tone speak for itself. It was his bed. His house. His rules. “I’m really not hungry.” Ezra truly did not want to eat anything.
Declan sat next to Ezra’s hip and held out the plate. “Eat this one thing and I’ll tell you a secret.”
Ezra eyed the sandwich Declan offered. It was white bread and peanut butter. Both things were meant to stick to his bones. “Just one secret? That doesn’t sound like a fair trade.”
Declan’s mouth lifted in one corner. “I’ll make it a good one.”
It was just like Declan to m
ake Ezra incapable of saying no. “All right.” Ezra accepted the sandwich and nibbled the corner. He curled his nose without thought. Ezra hated white bread. It had nothing to do with carbs. It was just like a mouth full of starch. Disgusting.
“Yeah, I know,” Declan said, rolling his eyes. “You don’t like white bread. Well, guess what? Too bad. You can have wheat bread back when you learn how to make good choices again.”
Ezra hadn’t been the least bit hungry in ages. Declan’s angry tone certainly didn’t help matters. Ezra set the sandwich aside and rolled back over. He wasn’t purposely being an ass or stubborn. It was hard to swallow food when he was upset. Plus, white bread had always been hard for him. It was a texture thing, which wasn’t helped by Declan’s attitude. Ezra’s throat felt too tight to eat.
Declan blew out a breath. “I thought you wanted to know my secret.”
“I don’t give a single fluff about your secrets. At one time, I would’ve killed to hear your every thought. That was before you shut me out and let everyone else in. Now, I couldn’t care less.”
“Do you know those magazines you saw in my room?”
Ezra didn’t answer. Declan would choose the one topic Ezra really wanted to know the story behind, especially since Declan truly owned every single magazine Ezra ever posed for... even the ones Ezra had done in secret.
Declan didn’t let Ezra’s silence detract him from his point. “More specifically, if you recall, the ones where you posed nude and the lingerie shoots. I had to buy more than one copy because I wore them out staring at you.”
Ezra rolled and met Declan’s stare. Declan had his attention.
“You probably weighed a good forty to fifty pounds more than you do now, and I couldn’t stop looking at you. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you, and you know it, whether you want to admit it or not. You’re mad at me. I get that, but at least attempt to look at things from my point of view. Your brother took me in and saved me from a hopeless, pointless life with abusive parents. Was I supposed to repay his kindness by falling on his little brother like a pervert? Wanting you...” Declan took an unsteady-sounding breath. “Loving you feels like I’m betraying Jessie’s trust.” A bright and unashamed smile stretched Declan’s lips. “That didn’t stop me from jacking off to those pictures of you so many times that one of my arms is bigger than the other. You need to regain some weight. Right now. I’m thinking I would break you if I tried touching you the way I want.”
Beautifully Angelic Page 2