by Shelly Jones
“Emily, I’m sorry, but honestly you’re going to have to come here eventually.”
“I know that, but this is the same fucking place I told you I loved you and you made me leave. I’m sorry that I’m having a problem. I’m sorry that I give a shit about things.” I shout.
“I didn’t say I didn’t give a shit about things. You don’t think I don’t think about that baby? A baby I didn’t know a fucking thing about. But let’s not go there.” He warns me.
“You know what? This was a mistake coming here. Maybe it’s a mistake all together.” I snap.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He snaps at me.
“You really want me to spell it out? You really want to know what I’m feeling?”
“Might as well.”
“I’m having a hard time being here when you pretty much threw me out like fucking garbage. I wouldn’t have been at that intersection if you would have told me you loved me. You threw me out, and it wasn’t until after I was hurt that you decided to tell me you loved me. How can I believe that, Xander? I mean, really. How can I?”
“No, you’re right. It did take me almost losing you to realize that I was in love with you. But if you even give a shit, you can look at these fucking texts I sent to Blake four weeks ago saying I was falling in love with you. Look at the fucking date. Go on!” He snaps handing me his phone.
“Fuck it!” I say before I rip it out of his hands. “Ok, so you said you were falling in love, still doesn’t explain why you threw my ass out.”
“Because I needed to be sure that when I told you I loved you, it was real, it was true and it was forever. I wouldn’t have told you loved you, if I didn’t see a future with you. God damn it, Emily! I know I fucked up, but for fucks sake! Give us a chance, give me a chance before you just throw us away. I want a god damn future with you.”
I start to laugh and I can’t stop laughing. It hurts to laugh, but I’m laughing and crying all at the same time. “What’s funny?” He glares at me.
“I don’t know. I’m just numb. I don’t know anymore.”
He gets up off the bed and walks up to me. He cups my face in his hands, “Will you stop. You have me, I’m not going anywhere. I love you and only you. Will you just knock your shit off? We will get through this shit together. Ok?” He says wiping a tear from my eye with his thumb.
“Ok,” I say quietly.
“I love you, Emily Hayes. I really do.”
“I love you too, Xander.” I wrap my arms around his waist, and bury my face in his chest.
“God, you’re feisty and stubborn.” He says into my hair.
I look up and smirk, “Yeah, I am, but this is the real me. Flawed and all.”
“I’ll take all of it, but just remember what you’re dealing with.” He kisses the top of my head, “So we ok?” He asks.
“We’re ok, for now. That’s all I can promise, but we really need to talk about everything.”
“I know and we will.”
We walk out to the kitchen and my dad is standing there. “Are you ok?” He asks.
“Yeah I’m fine, Dad. I just needed to talk to Xander for a little bit.”
“I thought I heard yelling.”
“Dad, we’re fine. I’m fine. Now can we go enjoy our time?”
When I get out to the patio, I start to smile. My mom and Xander’s mom and dad are sitting next to one another talking and laughing. Kathy and Danny are talking to Reese and Blake. Hilary is playing with the little kids and carrying Izzy around.
“There’s always got to be that one asshole huh?” I say under my breath. I turn around and see my dad standing there in the door way looking out at us. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go talk to my dad.” I tell Xander.
I take my dad out to the front and we sit on the wooden benches. “So talk, Dad.”
“What do you mean?”
“Dad, you’re not like this. You always talk to people. This, you being a dick, this isn’t you. So why are you doing this? Mom is trying, but you’re not.”
“I’m sorry if I’m having a hard time with all of this. First you leave us and come across the country to this huge city. Then you come home for Thanksgiving all tattooed up and you were just different. Then you almost die, we find out you have a boyfriend! OH and that you were pregnant. This isn’t you. This isn’t who I raised you to be!”
I rub my face with my hands, “Dad, do you not see that this is me. I was trapped living there. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you guys about Xander, but I was a little busy trying to stay alive. It seriously just happened.”
“So, if you two weren’t together, then how did you end up pregnant with his baby?”
“Dad . . .”
“No, I want to know.”
“Ok, well if you really want to know, I was his fuck buddy. We had sex anytime we needed to take care of an itch. Somewhere along the line, I feel in love with him. It just happens.” I tell my dad, his face has gone pale. I think I might have said too much but he wanted to hear it, so he got it.
“Dad, the bottom line is I love him and he loves me. I love that little girl in there. This is where I want to be and you have two choices. Deal with it, get to know him or not. But either way it won’t change how I’m feeling.”
“Well, I’m not making any promises but I’ll try.” My dad says sternly.
“I love you, Dad. You know you’ll always be the number one man in my life.”
“Yeah, I love you too.”
“Good, now I’m going to go back out there because I really miss these people.” I stand up and walk back into the house. My dad stayed sitting out there in the front.
“Where’s your dad?” Xander asks.
“He’s still out front. He said he’s going to try, but for whatever reason, I don’t think he will.”
“Does your dad drink?” Mr. Hunt asks me.
“Yeah sometimes, I think.”
Xander’s dad smiles and nods his head. Grabs two beers and walks out front.
“Fuck, this might be bad.” Xander says under his breath.
I let my dad pout while I sat out back with everyone. My mom was smiling and talking to everyone.
“You ok?” Mel leans into my ear.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“When we get home remind me to tell you something ok?”
I look at her confused. “Ok . . .”
“Don’t worry, nothing bad. Just don’t let me forget.”
My dad and Xander’s dad were out front for almost an hour, when they finally came out to the backyard my father was smiling. “Holy fuck!” I say a little loud.
“Right?! What is going on?” Mel asks.
“Not sure, I’m afraid if we ask or make a big deal about it, the smile I just saw might leave his face.”
“Ok, let’s pretend it’s not there.”
The guys go over to the grill and get it started while I follow my mom and Mrs. Hunt into the kitchen. They start grabbing things to carry outside. “You go sit!” My mother tells me.
“Yes, Emily. Go sit. You don’t need to be up moving around.” Mrs. Hunt says.
“Ok, ‘Moms.’ I need to be up and moving. I can carry light things. I’m losing my mind.”
“Well, as long as we’re around, you won’t be doing anything. Now go sit! Or I’ll tell Xander.” My mother says to me with this huge ass smile across her face.
“Ok, number one, where’s my mother and what have you done with her? And two, not fair! You can’t use the Xander card!” I tell her, laughing a little.
“What about the Xander card?” He says behind me.
“Nothing!” I say frustrated.
“I simply told her that if she doesn’t go sit down that I would tell you and maybe she will listen to you.” My mother has that smile that she gives us kids when she knows she’s won.
I squint my eyes at her and shake my head. “Fine, I’m leaving. I’m going to go sit outside. Geesh!” I turn and head for the door
. Xander looks at me with his eyebrow raised. “Don’t say anything. I’m going!” I stick my tongue out at him and walk past him.
We get through dinner, my family was actually social and being very pleasant. To say I’m shocked would be an understatement. My dad was laughing and he actually played with Harlie a little. I’m pretty sure hell is about to freeze over here really soon, if it hasn’t already. I have my feet on Xander’s legs and he’s rubbing my feet and it feels so damn good. Him and I keep making eye contact and it makes my stomach do flips. I hope he never stops giving me butterflies.
Everyone cleans up, but I’m stuck in this chair and it’s annoying the hell out of me. My mom comes out and sits next to me, “We’re about ready to go.” She says.
“Yeah, me too. Well, not really, but I’m ready to go lay down and take a pain pill.”
“I like them,” She says.
“Who?”
“You know who. I know you’re taken care of down here.” My mother says calmly. This is weird.
“Mom, are you actually seeing things in a good way?”
“Now, don’t start. I’m still not happy you’re this far away from us, but at least I know you have good people around you that will take care of you.”
“Mom, I can take care of myself, but it’s nice to have them around.”
“His mother adores you. She told me when she met you at open house at school she prayed and wished every night you and Xander would get together.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.”
“He just seems completely wrong for you, but he also seems completely right for you.” She says confused.
“He’s my right kind of wrong mom. I’ve been saying that from day one.”
“Yes that’s it! Isn’t there a song about that?”
I start laughing, “Yeah, from Coyote Ugly.”
“See, I know what I’m talking about.”
“I’m going to go spend a few minutes with Xander and then we can leave. Ok?”
“Sounds good.”
I grab Xander’s hand and lead him to his bedroom and close the door, “Everything ok, Em?”
I nod my head yes, “I just wanted a few minutes alone with you before I leave.”
“You’re leaving?”
“I’m tired and I need a pain pill, but I need to be close to you.”
He sits in the grey leather chair that sits in his room. I walk over to him and lift up my skirt and straddle him. His eyes get wide, “Em.” He says before I kiss him, tongue exploring his mouth, my hands run through his hair. His erection is up against me and I start to move my hips. “Baby, we can’t. Not like this, not right now.” He says pulling away.
“But I need you. Please.” I beg.
“Not right now, Baby. I want you so bad, you have no idea, but not right now, not like this. Not with everyone out there.”
“But Baby, I need you.” I whine moving my hips.
“I need you too, but I promise we’ll make up for lost time.” He pulls me in and kisses me deeply.
I start to move my hips again, “Promise?”
“Yes.” He growls as I grind a little harder on him, his hands start to travel everywhere on my body, his hand goes under my tank top, and moves my bra over and starts to play my with my nipple. Pinching it, pulling it, he lifts up my shirt and goes after my breast with his mouth. “Xander . . .” I whisper. Letting go, my panties soaking wet with my release.
He releases my breast from his mouth, puts it back in my bra. “You’re welcome.” He kisses me again. “Now get off me, before I get inside you.” He growls at me. It’s so fucking hot when he does that.
“No, you get inside me.” I taunt him but decide to get off him, cuz I know once he’s inside me, the whole neighborhood will know he’s fucking me.
“I love you.” I smirk at him.
He smacks my ass, “I love you too, and now let’s hope your family leaves soon!”
Mel and I drive back by ourselves to our place. My parents have gone back to the hotel to get Kathy, Danny and Hilary packed. They’re finally leaving, but I was hoping they’d take my parents too.
“You in a lot of pain?” Mel asks me as we’re pulling into our driveway.
“Kind of, but not too bad. My head hurts worse then my ribs do.”
“You go in for your test on Monday right?”
“Yep, at 10:00 in the morning.” I say getting out of the car.
“Well if you need a ride, I can give you one. I don’t work ’til three.”
“Awesome. I haven’t even asked if he wanted to take me.”
We get into the house, “What’s going on? You seem unsure about you guys all of a sudden.” Mel asks me. I shrug my shoulders and walk into the kitchen to get a bottle of water.
“I don’t know, I feel like once everyone leaves, once I heal from the accident, him and I are going to go back to fuck buddies. I don’t even know if we have anything in common to even be in a relationship.” I shrug my shoulders.
“Are you kidding me right now? He loves you Emily. He’s not going to change his mind.”
“How do you know that though? That first night we hung out, that night that I went back to the bar, did ya know. . . . We stood at that lookout and he told me he was wrong for me. Told me he only does fuck buddies. He doesn’t do relationships. So how can I trust that he actually loves me.” I let out a breath, “Let’s not forget, he only told me he loved me after I was in the accident. Second, when I woke up he had already known about the baby. So maybe he only loves me out of sympathy.” I blow out a breath.
“You two need to fucking talk and you need to talk soon. But do you want my thoughts?”
“I guess, I know I don’t have any choice at this point.” I roll my eyes.
“I think he loves you. I’ve seen him out and about over the last couple of years. I’ve never seen him with a girl, I’ve never seen that look in his eyes, and I sure as hell have never seen that smile before.”
“Wait, I thought you two didn’t know each other.”
“I didn’t, but I’ve been to his bar before and I’ve seen him with his kid out and about. Emily . . .” She takes a deep breath, “That night at the bar, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you and the way he looked at you, I’ve never seen a guy look at a girl like that, especially not even knowing them. The minute you walked outside, he got kind of a panicked look about him and he followed you out. Like he was trying to protect you right away. So you may not be sure of his love for you, but I am. I know he loves you.”
“If what you’re saying is actually true. Why the fuck did he do this to me?”
“Emily, did you ever just wonder if the main reason why he kept fucking you was because he had feelings for you? Didn’t he say at the lookout point that it would be once, and how long has it been?”
Shit, is she right? But why didn’t he tell me? Why did he push me away? Why didn’t he just tell me this shit two weeks ago? “I don’t know Mel. He’s got a lot of talking to do and I’m not even sure getting involved with him at this point is a good idea. I love him but I’m not sure this is worth my heart getting slammed and shattered.”
“Come on Em. You know that your worst days are your best days when you’re in love, and your best days are your worst days when you’re not in love. You guys are gonna fight, you guys are gonna hate each other but why give up on the one person who could possibly make all your dreams come true and even if he doesn’t. Then at least you’re having fun and having the best sex of your life!”
“I’m just scared. I can’t be hurt by him anymore.”
“Em, We all get hurt, it’s the way this fucking world works but you can’t sit back and not risk it because you’re afraid. Being scared means it’s worth something to you, and if it’s worth something, then it’s worth the risk.”
The stuff coming out of her mouth is true, but it’s also fucking scary. But is she right? Is he worth the risk? “Thank you.” I walk up and give her a hug. “I’m going to go
to bed and think about this shit. I’m not sure when my mom and dad are leaving but it’s gotta be soon cuz I need to talk to him. Badly!”
“Yes, you do. Get some sleep and you know I’m always here for you.”
“Good night,”
“Night, Em.”
I walk back to my bedroom and close the door. I grab my cell phone out of my purse and put it on my nightstand next to my bed. Xander has texted me a couple of times. I’m not even going to respond to them. I need time to think about shit. Everything that has happened over the last two weeks is finally caught up to me. I reach for the ultrasound picture. I trace it with my fingers “I wanted you. Even though it wasn’t the right time, I wanted you so bad. I am so sorry I did this to you.” I wipe the tears from my eyes. I grab my phone and search for miscarriage tattoos and found the perfect one. I save it and send it to Meadow. I ask her what she thinks of it and when I can get in.
“Well shit, I love this, but I don’t. I’m sorry! If you want, I can come by your place and do it sometime this week. I don’t go in until noon every day this week.”
“Really? That would be awesome. I’ll let you know. My parents are still in town, so when they leave, I’ll have you come over. How much?”
“Ok, just let me know. I’ll bring my things and get it done for you. Price, I’ll do this one for free.”
“You don’t have to, I can pay you.”
“I don’t charge for miscarriage or losing a child tattoos. I don’t feel right.”
“You’re amazing! Thank you, I’ll let you know!”
I get into my pajamas and crawl into bed, laying there staring at the celling, my phone rings,
“Hello?”
“Are you ok? You scared the shit out of me.” Xander says.
“Sorry, was hanging out with Mel and then I’ve been trying to sleep.”
“You ok? You sound mad or something.”
“Nope, just perfect. Need sleep though. I’ll talk to you sometime tomorrow or Monday.”
“Really? I’m not even going to see you tomorrow? What’s going on Emily?”
Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have answered the phone. “Jesus, Xander. Nothing is wrong. I’m fucking tired and tomorrow I’m spending the day with my family. I didn’t realize that was a bad thing.” I snap at him.