by Ni-Ni Simone
I slow-rolled by so I could get my nosey on. I blinked. Wait. Is that Rich? Ohhhhhhhhhmygod, she was practically sucking Corey’s face off! What a damn trick! They need a short-stay, and fast! I sped off, disgusted. There were two things money couldn’t buy: class and common damn sense. And sometimes, it appeared Rich was lacking in both.
Halfway down the long winding road, I spotted tire tracks stretching across the road. There was a tire and the bumper of a car in the middle of the road. It looked as if there had been an accident. Again, being nosey, I slowed down, then stopped the car, getting out. I walked toward the edge of the road and looked down. Ohhhhhhhmygod, it’s an accident! Who was the stupid fool driving that car? And how in the world did it end up on this side of the road?
I didn’t immediately recognize the car. But when I heard a female’s voice screaming for help, I knew right then who the car belonged to. I ran back over to my car and pulled out my cell, calling Rich.
“Yesssssss, London. Is this an emergency? ’Cause if not, you’re straight boom-wrecking my flow.”
I frowned. “Your friend . . . is down in the ditch. And you better come down here to get her because I’m not breaking a nail to do it.”
“Whaaat? Who are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your girl Spencer. You know. The one who called me broke and told me to suck on her exhaust fumes. That’s who I’m talking about. Her car is flipped upside down.”
“She did what? She called you what, broke? Oh, no. Those are fighting words, girl. I wish a mofo would call me broke. Oh, no. She gotta get done in the dark for that. I’m sorry, that’s a back-alley whooping for sure. Broke? Oh, she cursed you, boo. She tore her drawers all the way off with that one. That’s when I have to drop all my ladylike manners. And bring it to her head. What you wanna do? Make an appointment to drag her? ’Cause I’m free next Tuesday at seven. And we can do her in, girl. ’Cause she done went too damn far this time, calling you broke.”
“Appointment? Are you serious?”
“Yeah, girl. I’m busy. I have my stylist coming. I gotta get my hair done. Nails gotta get done. I have a lot going on.”
I huffed. “Rich? Rich? Can you please shut the hell up for one minute?” I paused, pressing my forehead with the tip of my fingers. A headache was starting to pound its way to the front of my head. “You know what. Forget it. I don’t even like the girl. And the girl doesn’t like me. So if I don’t ever have to deal with her again, I’m cool with it. So I’ma let her stay right here where she belongs, stuck in the damn mud. I’m out.”
In the background I could hear Corey asking, “What happened to Spencer? Is she okay?”
“Oh my, boo is so sweet. He’s all concerned.”
I rolled my eyes. “Um . . . riddle me this: why the hell are you with that snake? Didn’t he just play you in the cafeteria today? And the other night at the club? We need to have a real heart-to-heart, fast.”
Rich sighed. “You wouldn’t understand. But, it’s not what you think.”
“Well since it’s not what I think, then what you need to do is hurry up and get down here and see about this upside-down trick because I’m about to leave her here.”
“Girl, then leave. Shoot. Nobody has time to be playing around with Spencer. She came at you sideways, so go. She’s had an attitude all day, like she had hair on her chest. Even in the cafeteria she was trying to bring it-bring it. Where’s Heather? Aren’t they let-me-mace-you-and-get-over-it-the-next-day type of buddies? Let her save her.”
“Rich, you know what? It doesn’t even matter. I don’t know what they are. And I don’t. Care.”
“I already told you to leave her in the ditch then, and call nine-one-one when you get home. ’Cause right now I’m about to get-it, get-it with my boo.”
“Nah, we need to see about Spencer, babe,” I heard Corey tell her.
“What?” Rich snapped in my ear, going off on him. “Go see about her? You must have banged your head. I don’t think so. And then she called London broke. Oh, no. She’s going to wear that. And the last thing you need to be concerned about is Spencer or any other ho down in some ditch, unless you’re trying to get in the mud with her. She could be stuck in damn quicksand for all I care. You just told me, it was all about me and you. So why the hell are you standing here wanting to go help Spencer? Back it up, back it up . . . explain that. London . . .” I sighed, letting her rant. “I think you’re going to need to come back up here to hold my clutch, ’cause I’m about to forget I’m a lady and set it off on this mofo.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and put them on speaker, listening to them go at it. How sickening!
“Now c’mon, baby. Why you tryna fight when we just finished making up? You know it’s all about you. But I’m sayin’ . ..”
“Oh, what you sayin’, Corey? What you saying, Coreeeeeeeeey? ’Cause all I hear is a bunch of yip-yap about you worrying about some other trick. As far as I’m concerned the word she should never part your lips in front of me.”
“Go ’head with that. I’m not worried about no other trick. Spencer’s supposed to be your girl, so you say. Yo, I’m only telling you the right thing to do. I don’t really care what you do. You makin’ a big deal out of nothing. You wanna leave her down there, then leave her. Something happens to her that’s on you. I’m outta here.”
I rolled my eyes. Good riddance. He is such a damn loser!
“Whatever, Corey. Oh, you wanna leave now? Oh, really? Is that what you really wanna do? Then go. Run along like you always do. Always running off somewhere. You make me sick with that!”
I screamed into the phone, “Rich, will you shut the hell up and stop sweating him! If he wants to go, then let him! I’m sick of this back and forth. The dude is no. Damn. Good.”
“Slow down, London. You pushing it too far, boo. Maybe you don’t believe in second chances, but I do.”
“Well, he’s had about three chances that I know of, but who’s counting. So do you, sweetie. But anyway, why are we arguing about him? Bottom line, what the hell do you want to do about this chick down in this muddy hole? Because I am not about to play “Save a Ho Who Can’t Drive,” not today, boo!”
“Wait a minute, London. Stay put. I’m on my way to assess the situation. Don’t leave until I get there.”
“Well, hurry up ’cause this whole scene is boring me.” I disconnected, tossing my phone back into my bag.
The whole time this was going on Spencer was groaning and yelling for someone to help her. I walked back over to the edge of the ditch and yelled, “Speeeeeeeeeeeeencer, are you still there? Or are you dead yet?”
She moaned.
I rolled my eyes.
I looked in back of me and saw Rich speeding up. She slammed on her brakes, stopping in back of my car. I was too damn through when I saw Corey hopping out of the passenger side of her Bugatti.
“Ohhhhhmygod!” Rich snapped, running up toward the edge of the road. “Clutching pearls. Girl, you didn’t tell me this was newsworthy. How do I look?” She blew her breath in my face. “How’s my breath? You didn’t call the paparazzi yet, did you?”
I frowned. “No, I didn’t call them. I don’t do that.”
“Good, girl. I’ma text my publicist the scoop right now. This way we have time to get down—”
She stopped in midsentence when we heard Spencer screaming. “GET AWAY FROM ME! DON’T COME NEAR ME! YOU NO-GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SLIMEBALL! YOU’RE THE CAUSE OF ME ALMOST KILLING MYSELF! NOW YOU WANNA HELP ME? YOU CAN HELP ME BY GETTING THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!”
Corey stopped in his tracks with his ear pressed to his cell.
Rich yelled down to him, “What do you need, a cape, Corey? What are you down there doing, Corey? Saving another girl, like you were at the club the other night when you were giving them drinks from your bottle? Don’t think I forgot that, Coreeeeeeeeey. Now what are you doing, trying to get an S on your chest?”
I sighed.
WTF?! Is it me? Or
is this whole scene a problem? This chick is all over the place.
I yanked Rich by the arm to get her attention. “Will you pull yourself together, girl.”
“I said get away from me!” Spencer carried on as Corey was bent down. “I don’t want you anywhere near me!”
“Wait one damn minute,” Rich yelled. “I wanna know what you’re down there doing, Corey. And why the hell is Spencer yelling at you like that? Spencer, why are you yelling at my man like that?”
“I don’t want him touching me!” Spencer yelled back. “And why are you standing up there instead of being down here helping me? I need help. And not from Corey!”
“Yo, chill,” Corey said to her. “If you’d calm down you’ll see that all I’m doing is calling nine-one-one.”
Rich looked at me and grabbed my arm. “C’mon, London. We need to get down there before the police get here. ’Cause he’s tryna make the news.”
“Huh? You’d think he’d do that?”
“Mmmph. I don’t trust anyone when it comes to making the headlines, not even a man. Do you know how many times the headlines have been snatched from me? Oh, no. Not this time. Kick them damn heels off and let’s get down and dirty with it.”
I was hesitant. I knew this was a bad idea. And it made absolutely no sense. But since I was commanded by my daddy to play nice with the Tinseltown queens of dramedy, I knew that there was only one thing to do—take off my jewels, kick off my shoes, and follow Rich down into the ditch.
“Now listen,” Rich whispered as we climbed down. “We’re gonna drag her out of the car and we’ll both smack her one good time for all that slickness she was saying today, especially after she’s called you broke. We’re gonna show her how broke people do it. Real Section Eight-like. Corey, get away from her. London and I will take it from here.”
Corey shook his head. “Nah, you don’t need to be trying to move her. That’s what I was trying to tell her, but she kept yelling and screaming at me.”
I sucked my teeth, eyeing him. “Don’t worry about it. We got this. You can go move along. She doesn’t want you here anyway.”
He frowned at me.
I rolled my eyes.
“I heard you were looking for some slow-singing and flower-bringing,” Rich said to Spencer as she leaned over and banged on the door. “You ready to get it pop-pop, huh?”
“What? Slow-singing? I don’t want you singing to me. What kind of games you playing, Rich? I want help.”
“No, what you want is a beat down. You’re the one who’s been playing games. What was that she said to you, London?”
“She called me broke.”
Rich kicked her door. “How dare you make fun of the financially afflicted? It’s not her fault her parents are only worth a measly three hundred and eighty-five million dollars.”
“Now wait a minute,” I said, putting a hand up on my hip. “Who are we supposed to be coming for, me or Spencer? ’Cause it sounds like you’re trying to boom-bop it, too.”
“Girl, you know I got you. I’m just saying. It’s not right what she said. I’m the one taking up for you, what are you getting all crunked with me about? Don’t be getting sensitive now. You’re still living up on Holmby Hills, so what’s the big deal?”
I shook my head. There’s no winning with this girl. She’s going to always try to have the last word. “Whatever, Rich.”
“Don’t whatever me, boo. You might be a lot of things, trying to be all goody-two shoes and Miss Proper and all ’cause you’re from New York. But broke isn’t one of them. I know it and you better own it. But obviously someone forgot to fill this trick in. She’s insulted all of your daddy’s hard work, and pretty much called your mother a Walmart floor model. So, now . . . what’s it gonna be? How you wanna handle this? You wanna keep it cute, or do you wanna go Section Eight on her? She got you all the way confused. She basically called you Culver City trash.”
“Oh, hell no,” I snapped, letting Rich get me all gassed up. The next thing I knew I reached inside Spencer’s car and started pulling her out by her hair.
Rich yelled and dropped down, then popped back up and said, “Now that’s what I’m talking about, boom-bop that ho. Make it drop. Right hook her.”
Spencer screamed, “Aaaaaaah, what the freak are you tricks doing to me? Get your nasty hands off of me. Have y’all lost your damn minds?”
Rich slapped her face. “And that’s for talking all greasy to my man when all he was trying to do was help you.”
Spencer swung, trying to fight back. “I didn’t want your man helping me.”
In the background we heard the sirens blaring. And we immediately stopped attacking her. As if on cue, Rich fluffed her hair. “I think I hear the media coming,” she said. “Quick, act like we’re saving this ho.”
“Help me! Someone help! These girls are attacking me!”
“She’s delusional,” Rich snapped, pulling her by the arms through the dirt. “Spencer, snap out of it. We’re here to help you, boo. Not hurt you.”
“Don’t talk,” I said, grabbing her by the legs as the police were coming down to where we were. “Save your energy.”
Rich broke out in tears, dropping Spencer, then dropping down to her knees, raising her hands up in the air. “God is good. He’s not there when you need Him, but He’s always right on time!”
I didn’t know if I should burst out laughing, or pass the collection plate. So I did neither. I simply hummed and waved one hand in the air as the paramedics came down behind the police officers.
They lifted Spencer up on a stretcher, then carried her back up the hill.
“Somebody help me up,” Rich said. “I think I’m stuck in this mud. I’m so exhausted and weak. London, you okay?”
“Yeah, girl,” I said.
“Spencer?! Spencer?!” Rich yelled up to her. “Are you all right, girl?!”
“Noooooooo, I’m not okay. You two swamp-donkeys tried to jump me!”
Two strapping police officers scooped Rich and me up into their arms and carried us back up the hill, our hair flowing in the breeze. And just as we reached the top of the hill is when I saw the whole world watching. There were cameramen, news reporters, and every gossip columnist and blogger known to man out there.
As Rich cracked a smile for the cameras, a news reporter yelled out, “Hey, Rich Montgomery. I think it’s quite noble of you to save the very best friend who is also sleeping with your boyfriend. How do you feel about them being caught on tape in the bathroom this morning?”
I gasped.
Rich’s eyes bucked. Then blinked as if she couldn’t believe what she had just heard. “Repeat that?”
Just as the reporter was about to open his mouth, Co-Co Ming jumped in front of the camera and said, “The Pampered Princesses are more than a muddy mess. Who would ever think they’d be sleeping with each other’s men.”
Rich jumped out of the police officer’s arms and started running. “Spencer! Where are you?!”
I yelled for the police officer to put me down and started running behind her.
Rich continued yelling. “Spencer, where are you?! How could she do this to me?reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey?!”
I caught up to Rich, grabbed her by the arm, and spun her around toward me. “Rich, you need to pull yourself together.” I shook her like a rag doll.
Rich continued to scream, “Coreeeeeeeeey! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!” She growled. “I’M GOING TO KICK SPENCER’S—!”
WHAP!
I hated to slap her but I had to. That was the only thing that would get her attention and have her focus on me. “Rich,” I said and shook her shoulders once more. “Listen to me.” I leaned into her face as close as I could and clenched my teeth. “We’ve got cameras zoomed in on us. Everywhere. Half the school is out here, watching this whole fiasco. And you’re out here spinning out of control. Co-Co Ming is doing interviews and snapping pictures. I’m two seconds from wrestling him down to the ground! We’re fighting
for our image here! Get. It. Together. Now. Quick fast and in a goddarn hurry.”
Rich blinked and looked as if she’d returned from space. “London, where am I? Am I in the middle of the war zone? Did someone just attack me and say that Spencer was sleeping with my boyfriend? Huh, London?”
“Yes—”
“I’ma kick her—”
“No, you’re not!”
“Why not?”
“Because we need to play this right.”
“Play right? That ho wasn’t playing right when she slept with my boyfriend. No, she was playing me!”
I took a deep breath. “Rich, listen to me. You are too beautiful for this. Corey doesn’t deserve you. You are fierce, fly—”
“And fabulous,” Rich sniffed, wiping her eyes.
“Exactly. So I need you to see that Spencer is not the ho-bag we should be going after. Corey is the real problem here. And he’s the one who needs to be handled.”
“You’re right.” She cleared her throat. “I want to take that mofo and peel his face off! I don’t believe this. How could they do this to me? I’m so humiliated. Ohmygod, ohmygod...I can’t breathe. She was supposed to be my friend. She broke all the rules.”
“Yeah, that whore Spencer broke cardinal rule number two: Thou shall not ever sleep with a friend’s boo—”
“ ’Cause that sin’s reserved for the enemy.” Rich wiped her eyes.
“So, yes, that needs to be dealt with swiftly, but in private. But, there is something more pressing going on here. And that is cardinal rule number one—”
“Thou shall never let them catch you slipping.”
“Boom! Now what are we going to do? Are you going to stand here looking all kinds of crazy or are you, better yet are we, going to, as you would say, ‘boom-bop, drop-it’ on him?”
She sniffed again, pulled mud from out of her hair, then straightened her back. “Let’s snap, crack pop it drop it! And let’s go hunt him down!”
15
Rich