by Virna DePaul
He took a deep breath and readied himself to speak, hoping the truth would take away some of her pain.
“I took a drive because I’d pushed myself too hard doing those push-ups. I hurt like hell again, and I was afraid if I didn’t leave, I’d take the codeine pills the doctor gave me.”
“I looked for them. Where—?”
“I stashed them under a loose floorboard under my bed. You were right about me being clean, Linda. And I want to stay that way. I drove a distance away and tossed them over a cliff.”
This close, he could see the beat of her heart as the artery in her neck pulsed.
Pulsed.
Pulsed. Her scent covered him, clung to him the way she clung to him when they made love. When their bodies craved and hungered and gave and spent.
“You’re really clean? For how long?”
“Like I told you before, since before we ever started dating. I mean, there were plenty of times I almost gave in...”
She nodded, as if it was what she’d expected. And that made sense given what he’d implied earlier. Even when he hadn’t meant to, he’d given her the clues she’d needed to believe in him. “I’m so proud of you,” she whispered, reaching out to stroke the line of his jaw.
He flinched back. “Please, don’t.”
She lowered her hand. “Don’t touch you?” she asked.
“Don’t touch me. Talk to me. Look at me. Just don’t.”
“Tony, what have you been doing since Mattie and Jordan and Dom left? This drug-lord image you’re projecting—it’s just an image. I know you’ve been lying to me about taking over Guapo’s operation. You’re working with the cops again, right? Serving as an informant again so you can find the supplier of the bath-salt drugs?”
“What the hell do you know about those drugs?”
“I heard Justine talking on the phone with someone named Nicco. She told him that you’d set up a meeting with a Rapture supplier. That you were on your way to taking over Guapo’s ring, she said. But that’s not the real reason, is it? You want to shut down the supplier because the drugs are so damn dangerous. Because they can drive users crazy...”
A few other things suddenly occurred to her.
The fact that Tony was clean but had only recently admitted to it, and even then, that he still tried to convince her he was “bad.” That he’d confessed to Guapo’s murder, even though Guapo had been stabbed by someone much shorter than Tony. Someone that was the size of...
“Justine!” she exclaimed. “She killed Guapo, didn’t she?”
Tony’s eyes widened and though he tried to hide it, she saw the truth in his eyes. He shook his head. “No. What are you—?”
“Justine takes drugs. She took drugs the first day I saw you in court. In the bathroom. I was there. Maybe she even took Rapture. Is that why she killed Guapo? Did she go crazy?”
Tony grabbed her arms. “Whoa. Stop it. You saw Justine taking drugs in the courthouse bathroom?”
“I didn’t see her. She was behind the stall. But she was sniffing something.”
“You’re sure that was the day I was arraigned? I didn’t see her there.”
“The courthouse was packed, remember? And she looked at me like she hated me. Like she wanted to kill me, Tony.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he said, but he didn’t sound so certain. “She knew nothing about you.”
“But an observant person would have seen how we reacted to seeing each other that day. Maybe she saw that we cared for each other and was jealous. It would explain—”
“I told you I’ve been clean off drugs. I haven’t told you I didn’t kill Guapo. I didn’t tell you I’m working undercover to stop a Rapture supplier.”
“You don’t have to tell me. I can see it written all over your face.”
“Damn it, Linda.”
She shook her head. “You can’t protect me from this, Tony. If that’s what you’re trying to do, you’ve already failed.”
“I haven’t failed at anything. You’re alive, aren’t you? You’re going to be a judge—”
“I’m alive. For now. But forget about me being a judge. I might not have a job in a few days.”
“What are you talking about?”
“A reporter has been snooping around. He’s connected the two of us. Is claiming I’m the reason you got out on bail.”
“How do you know this?”
“Neil called me when I was out for a walk. He told me. So you see, I need you to tell me the truth, Tony. And if there’s any way I can help you finish this job you’re doing, I need to help you do it. Because in helping you, I’ll be helping myself, too.”
He didn’t look up, not until she reached out and took his hand.
He told himself to pull away, but he couldn’t. He wrapped his fingers around hers, wanting so badly to lift them to his lips. To pull her against his chest and just hold her. Instead he forced himself to recall how she’d looked lying in a hospital bed, beaten and broken and fighting for her life.
And that slapped him out of his morbid thoughts faster than he could blink.
Being with her wasn’t an option. He had to accept it.
Tony suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. That he was going to drown in her nearness. He pulled his hand out of hers. “What is this, Linda? Do you get off stringing me along? You’re the one who broke off our relationship. You can’t have it both ways, so back off.”
He heard a sharp intake of breath and looked up, seeing the hurt there. But Jesus, what did she expect? She’d made her feelings about him clear when she’d kicked him out of her life. Today, last week, the past few freaking years without her, had been a nightmare.
And he hadn’t even fallen off the wagon, he thought again. He hadn’t slipped up. She’d just assumed he would.
As many times as he told himself she’d had reason to, that she’d been reasonable in protecting herself and her life, it pissed him off.
“You’re letting the past skew your thinking, Linda. You’re one of the good guys. A prosecutor. A soon-to-be judge. You’re getting everything you wanted and you were right to think you wouldn’t get it if you had anything to do with me. I’m worthless and would have done nothing but drag you down. Why shouldn’t you believe I’ve done exactly what I’ve said?”
Her stare was blank. Inscrutable. Time ticked by, marked by croaks of frogs outside the window. The pulse in her neck kept up its furious beat. He waited. He could wait forever.
“You want to know why I can’t believe it? Because I loved you, Tony. And I still do. And you know what? I think you still love me, too.”
Before he could respond, she kissed him.
* * *
As they kissed, Linda was immediately aware of two things.
First, Tony didn’t even try to fight their connection this time. Despite the way he’d pushed her away with his words, he refrained from doing it with his body. His mouth opened readily underneath hers, and his arms wrapped around her tightly.
Second, she wasn’t going to settle for anything less than both of them naked this time. Her hands tore at his clothes, refusing to be denied. Buttons flew. Fabric ripped. And he seemed just as frantic to get her naked, too.
Thank you, she thought, when she was completely bare to him. He cupped her breasts and tweaked her nipples. Heat speared between her legs, causing an ache that made her whimper with need.
When he released her breasts, she moaned with disappointment until he replaced his hands with his mouth. He sucked on her strongly, working one nipple until it was red and engorged before moving on to the next. The whole time, her hands roved over his body, relishing the bulge of his muscles and the way they tightened with his need for her.
That was a start, but not good enough. She wanted him trembling. Shaking. Begg
ing for her touch.
This time she pulled away and he moaned in protest. But when she fell to her knees, he tangled his fingers in her hair and urged, “Yes, Linda. Please. Take me in your mouth. I’ve missed this. Missed you.”
He didn’t have to ask her again. She didn’t reacquaint herself with his length slowly. Instead she drew him into her mouth greedily, as if by doing so she was filling up every empty, lonely spot inside her. She pulled back to flick her tongue over the tip of him, then swallowed him even deeper than before, until he touched the back of her throat.
“I’m going to come if you keep that up,” he gritted out.
“That’s what I want,” she said.
“Me, too. But first...” With a grimace, he pulled away from her and urged her to her feet. “First I want to come inside you again. Here,” he said as he cupped her. “It felt so wonderful taking you without a condom. Can we— Will you take me that way again?”
She took a shaky breath and considered his request.
She’d started this knowing where it was going and also knowing they didn’t have a condom. She knew she was taking a chance, but hadn’t she already risked everything for Tony?
Three and a half years ago she hadn’t trusted him enough to stay with him. Did she really trust him enough now to give him this? To give him everything?
She nodded.
He smiled, a big genuine smile that made her feel like she’d hung the moon.
She threw her arms around his neck as he cupped her butt and lifted her onto him. She felt his hard flesh searching between her folds before he sank inside, slowly. Slowly. And so thoroughly that she felt stretched to bursting. His scent enveloped her, as did something else.
His love. She felt it everywhere he touched her. She saw it in his eyes.
He didn’t have to say it for her to know.
This man still loved her. She loved him.
But even as she skyrocketed to pleasure, she was sadly aware that loving each other had never been the problem. And it had never been enough.
Chapter 23
Tony watched Linda as she slept. She lay next to him, her body shimmering with sweat, her nipples soft and relaxed. Over the past few days, she’d refused to give up on him. She’d visited him in lockup and then the infirmary, then tracked him to the house on Tortuga Boulevard. Finally, she’d brought him here, to her childhood home, to recuperate in safety.
And she’d done all those thing because, despite everything, she believed in him.
The question was what they were going to do now.
Beside him, Linda stirred. Opened her eyes and looked at him.
“Sleep,” Tony whispered.
She smiled, blinked her eyes open and shifted to a sitting position. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I need to hear the truth. The full truth. Please, Tony. If you love me, if I ever meant anything to you, please tell me the truth now.”
Staring into her beautiful green eyes, he felt the moment it happened. He accepted the inevitable. No matter what rumors were spread, no matter what people thought of him, Linda would never believe he had turned so completely dark. Men had threatened her life. A reporter was threatening her career. He couldn’t keep her safe if he kept her ignorant.
And whatever he did, he had to keep her safe.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” he asked, wrapping a strand of her hair around his finger.
“Tell me.” Linda’s voice was firm. Unrelenting. She wouldn’t let go of this, and ultimately, she was right not to. Too much time had passed for this secret to stay between them.
He pressed a brief kiss against her forehead, and then spoke. “After you dumped me—”
She winced and he changed gears. “After we broke up, it was so damn hard to know you were close, that you and Mattie were friends, but that I didn’t get to be part of your life. It was better than nothing, though. It was some kind of connection with you. Then eighteen months ago, because of what happened with Sabon, Mattie, Dom Jeffries and I entered the WITSEC program. You need to know how hard that was for me. Leaving you so completely. Even though we’d broken up, you were the one good thing besides Mattie I’d ever had.”
“Oh, Tony,” she said sadly.
He shook his head. “I know you did what you thought you had to. Whether I took the drugs or not afterward, I wanted to that night. You were right about that. It didn’t start out that way. I was cocky. Trying to prove something. It was a tough lesson to learn. To accept just how weak I was, when I’d thought I’d gotten stronger. I had the lesson slammed home again when Guapo’s men went after you and Mattie. You were hurt. She was hurt.”
“That wasn’t your fault—”
“Please, Linda. Just let me say this.”
“Okay.”
“You were both hurt. It wasn’t technically my fault, but I didn’t do anything to stop it, either. Granted, I wasn’t there in the parking lot the night you were attacked, but when Mattie was attacked? That’s a different story.”
“How?”
“Dom’s cop friend, the one that was dirty, took her to Michael Sabon. He wanted her to tell Sabon that I was the informant. I figured out what was happening and called Dom. I figured Sabon would be at this old warehouse by the river, and I was right. I took Dom there. While Dom was fighting with the cop, I had a chance to save Mattie. Only I failed. Michael Sabon overpowered me. He knocked my gun away, the gun Dom had given me to protect myself. And Sabon almost killed Mattie. But first he was going to rape her. Only she didn’t let him. She fought back. She was the one who killed Sabon, not me. If she hadn’t gotten away and gotten to the gun...if she hadn’t shot him...”
“But she did get away. She did shoot him. And you can’t blame yourself for what happened. You’re a good man. Strong. But you’re not a cop. You weren’t trained to handle that kind of thing...”
“I’d started the training.”
Her expression contorted with confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I’d started the police academy. Before I ever informed on Guapo. I was a few months short of graduating when Sabon attacked Mattie.”
“But how? How could Mattie keep something like that a secret from me?”
“She didn’t know, Linda. I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d failed at so many things before that. I didn’t know if I’d fail at that, too. I didn’t want to tell any of you. Not until I’d finished. Not until you could be proud of me.”
“We—me and Mattie—we’ve always been proud of you, Tony. Just not the drug addiction. But I knew how hard you tried to fight it.”
“But you left me. You left me, Linda.”
She obviously heard the hurt in his voice, and her eyes shimmered with tears.
“Shhh,” he said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Let me finish what I was saying. Please.”
She took a shuddering breath then nodded.
“It would have been easy for me to quit after that. To accept that I was a weakling and give up my dreams of becoming a cop. But when we joined the witness security program, I told Dom and Mattie about what I’d been doing. And they encouraged me to finish what I’d started.
She was holding her breath now, her eyes wide with awareness and anticipation.
“Are you saying—?”
He nodded. “I finished the academy. And after I graduated, I applied to the local sheriff’s department to work with Dom. My application was accepted.”
In the family room, the grandfather clock chimed. He waited until it quieted.
“Wait a minute. Back up here. You actually graduated from the police academy?”
He nodded. “I graduated at the top of my class.”
“They knew about your drug problem?”
“They did. They were reluctant to take a chance at first, but they viewed me as a good risk. It helped that I had Dom’s recommendation and that I’d been going to regular NA meetings.”
“NA. Narcotics Anonymous meetings. You kept those up.”
“Yes. And I’ve continued to do them. Even after I accepted the job here in Sacramento, I—”
“So wait—” Linda shoved herself to sitting and stared down at him. “Wait just one minute. Are you really telling me that not only have you been clean for the past five years, but that you’re a cop?”
* * *
Linda wasn’t sure if reality had ended and fantasy had begun. She stared at the knotty pine wall, heard the trickle of the creek outside, smelled the scent of pine on the breeze that blew in the window, and knew full well she was still in the cabin, sitting close to a naked Tony.
But the world had stopped making sense.
What was Tony saying?
He wasn’t a cop.
He was a confidential informant.
He’d used to be a waiter, for goodness sake.
And now he was a drug addict trying to pretend he was climbing to the top of a drug distribution chain.
She’d known in her heart that wasn’t true. That he wasn’t a murderer. She’d believed him the minute he’d said he wasn’t using drugs anymore. But did she believe this?
“You’re a police officer,” she stated baldly.
“Deputy, actually. Badge, gun and everything. Well, under normal circumstances, I’d have those things. I don’t have them now because I’ve been deep undercover.”
“Deep undercover,” she echoed.
Linda pulled away from him and lay back down on the bed, one hand on her belly, the other on her forehead. The puzzle pieces were starting to come together—click, click, clicking into place.
She looked at him then. For a moment he looked like his old self again—younger. More vulnerable. More like the Tony she’d fallen in love with, and less like the hardened man he’d become in the past year and a half. But he was a hardened man. One who normally carried around a gun and badge. He was a cop.