by Imani King
“You can’t do that.” Lillian looks frail and leans heavily on her cane, but she wears an expression of resolve. “I won’t let you ruin her life. Haven’t you done enough?”
“You may be her grandmother, but you don’t know anything about what happened.”
Lillian shakes her head. “She’s not my grandchild, but I won’t see her harmed.”
My mouth drops open. “Brad—”
Lillian grimaces. “He isn’t my son, thankfully.”
A tiny flutter of hope spears me. “You don’t like him?”
Lillian’s brow lifts. “He’s irresponsible, spoiled, and manipulative, just like his mother. Of course I don’t like him.”
“Then just listen to me, please.” I hold out a hand. “I’m not a bad mother. I was worried about her and trusted the wrong person. There was an accident, and the hospital found a key ring in my purse. They notified Brad.” My voice cracks. “I had left him long before Tami was born, and he didn’t like that. When I wouldn’t come back, he took her to hurt me. He never wanted my baby.”
“I don’t doubt he never wanted her,” Lillian concedes. “That doesn’t explain how he was able to get custody.”
“He’s rich and I’m not. My friends aren’t...upstanding, and he lied.” My fleeting hope fades as Lillian’s expression remains suspicious. “He called me three weeks ago to let me know I wouldn’t see Tami again.” Tears fill my eyes. “I didn’t know what had happened. He’s crazy enough...well, I didn’t know if she was dead or alive.”
“She’s been with us since then.”
“I know. You’ve taken good care of her, but she belongs with me.”
Lillian sighs, and her stooped shoulders slump even more. “I can see that. You wouldn’t have gone to all this trouble if you didn’t love her.”
“You have my word I’ll take good care of her.”
“While you’re always looking over your shoulder, running from the authorities?” Lillian shakes her head. “Jackson’s crazy about her. He won’t rest until he tracks you down.”
I try to project a note of confidence into my voice. “He won’t find me.”
“Even if he doesn’t, how will you enroll her in school when she’s old enough? You can’t apply for government assistance without revealing your identity. You probably can’t even rent a place without a credit report. There’s no way you can stay hidden.”
“I’ll figure it out as I go.”
“How will you take care of her? Are you educated? Do you have friends or family with money?”
I shake my head, tightening my hold on Tamara. “I’ll manage.”
“How? By selling your body?”
I flinch. “I’ll do what I have to.”
“And she’ll be so proud of you in a few years,” Lillian says sadly. “What will you do when she decides to become just like you?”
“I would never let her do that!”
“How will you stop her?”
I find myself out of retorts. I could feel my nose running and eyes filling with tears. “What else can I do?”
“Stay here.”
I shake my head. “I couldn’t do that. He’ll find out who I am and kick me out. He obviously believes everything Brad told him.” I feel empty. “When Brad comes home, he’ll tell him who I am if he hasn’t found out before then.”
Lillian waves a misshapen hand. “Brad hadn’t been to visit Jackson in four years before bringing Tami here. He won’t be a problem.”
“I can’t stay here.”
“You can’t take her out of here. You can get past me easily, but your own conscience won’t allow you to take her into the only kind of life you can provide for her right now.”
“I can’t leave her behind.” I try to quell my strident tone. “I can’t survive being separated from her.”
“You don’t have to be. Stay on as her nanny. Eventually, Jackson will be ready to hear the truth.”
“No.”
Lillian walks forward, moving slowly, she takes Tamara from my arms. “She deserves a better life than you can give her alone.” She leans the cane against her leg and pats my hand. “You deserve more too. I suspect Brad has caused you a lot of pain.”
I nod, feeling no need to protect Lillian from the truth. “Living with him was hell.”
“Don’t let him force you into a half-life spent running and hiding. Do what’s best for your child.” She grips the cane again and shuffles to the crib, where she eases Tamara down. “Stay with us.”
I feel myself falling, but can’t seem to stop the descent. My heart is pounding and my ears ring but mostly I feel numb. Lillian makes it all sound so simple, but it isn’t really. How can I stay here, pretending to be my baby’s nanny? “He’ll find out who I am as soon as he runs the background check.” I am surprised to hear me tell her.
“I’ll deal with that. Jackson will have to know at some point, but not until he sees how you are with your child. He has to believe you love her before he can hear the truth.”
I look up at Lillian with confusion. “Why are you doing this?”
She shrugs. “For the baby.”
“Calling the police would solve all your problems.” My eyes dart to the phone. “Why haven’t you?”
“I had my doubts about Brad’s story from the start. When you showed up, I recognized you and remembered what he had told Jackson. I was frightened of your intentions, but it was plain to see you loved your child. I decided to wait and see.” She shakes her head. “This is a family matter.”
“I’m not family.”
Lillian’s face softens. “You are now.”
I can’t find any reply to Lillian’s sanguine statement. My mouth gapes open, but nothing emerges. Surely, she isn’t serious?
“Good night.”
“I could still leave.” My voice lacks conviction, and Lillian knows it.
“Yes, but you’ll need to call for another taxi. I overheard your earlier conversation and canceled the first one.”
I give in with a sigh. “Good night.” I could call another taxi and wait for it.I am sure Lillian wouldn’t attempt to stop me or inform Jackson. Aside from any objections from him, Tamara and I could walk out the front door—if only my conscience would allow that. Damn Lillian for saying all the right things. She has vocalized all of my doubts. How could I take Tamara away from this wonderful home and claim it was for Tamara’s good? My love for my baby won’t allow me to take her, but it won’t let me leave her either. For the time being, I am stuck playing undercover mother. I shudder to think of Jackson’s reaction when he finds out.
My mouth resolves in a thin line. He must never be allowed to find out. Despite what Lillian had said, I can’t imagine Jackson ever allowing me to stay if he discovers I am Tamara’s mother. Until I find another alternative, I will play the role of nanny, nothing more.
12
Shawna
“How are you settling in?” Jackson asks a little over a week later.
I pause in the act of lifting the spoon to Tamara’s mouth, which elicits a protesting squeal. “Uh, fine.”
“Do you miss your family and friends?”
How do I even begin to answer that? I don’t miss Topeka, but I miss Destiny. It’s made my reunion with my daughter bittersweet. For me, every day is filled with joy, but I agonize over the price Destiny paid to borrow the money.
Jackson refills his cup with coffee and tops mine off. “You haven’t left the ranch at all since you arrived.”
“I’ve been busy.”
He nods. “I thought about taking Tamara to the zoo today. Have you been to the Metro Washington Park in Portland?”
I shake my head.
“Why don’t you come with us? You can squeeze in some shopping after the zoo closes.”
I flinch at the unspoken criticism of my clothing. I’d packed for survival, not for professional caregiving.
Jackson notices my unease immediately. “I don’t mean anything by it. I just know a femal
e’s proclivity for spending money.” He gave me a lopsided grin, but there’s an edge of bitterness to his words. “So, what do you say? We’ll even take the Prius and not the truck.”
“Well…” I wondered if it wasn’t it too cold to take Tamara to the zoo.
His expression dampens. “You don’t have to. If you would rather spend the day doing something else, that’s fine. I know you haven’t had a day off yet.”
I shake my head. “I was worried about the temperature.”
He relaxes. “Tami’s a trooper. It’s a fairly nice day, with no rain in sight. They recently got the ZooLights exhibit up.”
“What’s that?”
“They decorate the entire zoo with string lights for Christmas. You get a great view if you take the train ride.”
I feed another spoonful of the banana cereal into Tamara’s mouth. “It sounds like fun.”
Jackson claps his hands together. “Great. We’ll visit the zoo, and if there is time, we’ll stop by the Children’s Museum.” He glances at his watch. “Can you and Tami be ready in half an hour?”
“Sure.”
“Okay. I’ll meet you downstairs.” He pushes away from the table and leaves the kitchen after a finger wave at the baby.
Even after he’s gone, I keep an eye on the doorway where he disappeared. Why? I wonder, though I already know the answer. A part of me is hoping for another glimpse of him before I take the baby upstairs.
How ridiculous. Jackson has no interest in me. With a girlfriend like Anastasia, how could he? Besides, us getting together would be a nightmare. Once my past history with Brad came to light, there’d be no turning back.
I’d deal with that bombshell when it happens. Right now, I have more important things to think about.
I return my attention to Tamara’s meal and try to ignore the tingling on the back of my neck. “We’re going to the Zoo, Tami,” I whisper. “Want to know a secret? It’s going to be mommie’s first time, too.”
I felt silly admitting it. Most kids went to the Zoo at some point. In fact in many schools, they take school trips to the Zoo. But I’d moved around too much as a kid and had always seemed to miss that particular special day.
Well, I am going to get it now, and since I am sharing it with Tami it will be more special than ever.
And, if I allow myself to admit it, more special than ever because of Jackson…
I shake my head and take Tamara’s bowl and bottle to the dishwasher. I have to stop thinking like this. Jackson and I are nothing but nanny and employer. That’s all we ever will be, so there is no use in dreaming of more.
13
Jackson
I slam the hood of the red Prius after checking the oil. There has to be something else to do. Anything at all. But as my eyes dart around for another task, they keep going back to the clock in the corner.
Forty minutes until I see Shawna and the baby.
God, this is pathetic. The nanny? Really? The woman is practically a girl herself.
Though not really. She is practical and loving. She puts others first. When she finishes her work, she comes and asks what has to be done next. She seems to truly appreciate this job and the money she is given. She deserves more but she doesn’t ask for it. She has a maturity and work ethic far beyond her years. She is so different from any other woman I’ve met. Especially…
I shut my eyes. No, I won’t let myself think it.
I have to spend less time around her. Just the other day, I caught myself admiring how the sunlight highlighted her mocha curls as she and Tamara sat in the swing on the back porch. I’d been doing laundry of all things, which I normally found tedious, but at that moment I didn’t care. I was completely transported by her smile. Enchanted by the way her nose wrinkled as she sang ridiculously inappropriate songs to the baby. Aroused by the way the sweater hugged her breasts, and the way they heaved as she took in deep breaths of the crisp air…
My pants suddenly feel tight.
Oh God, this is embarrassing. Why am I reacting this way to her? It’s not like I haven’t been around gorgeous women before. In my NFL days, I usually took three or four beauties home a night. Heck, I am currently dating a supermodel.
But lately, Anastasia’s scheming just leaves me cold. No number of nights spent in her company can remove the innocent, enticing images of Shawna from my mind. In fact, I haven’t even slept with her since Shawna’s arrival.
This, of course, pisses Anastasia off even more. Though honestly, her temperament hasn’t seemed to have changed much. The relationship had certainly been more comfortable before Tamara burst into my life, but if I’m honest with myself I have to admit that I haven’t been satisfied for a long time. Sure, I hide it well. There is always work to do. But Tamara shows me how much has been missing from my life.
I don’t want someone dripping with so many jewels that she sparkles like a chandelier from my arm. I want someone I can spend my life with. Someone who doesn’t shy away from hard work and what needs to be done. Someone who appreciates the little things in life. Someone who I want to see every single day.
And, perhaps most importantly, someone who Tamara would love as much as I would.
Anastasia and I had been dancing around long term plans, but the moment Tamara arrived I knew she and I were in it for the long haul. You don’t abandon family, period. That baby needs someone to look after her, and while I always knew I would do it, I didn’t know that I’d also rediscover my purpose in life in doing so.
I couldn’t imagine Anastasia even holding the baby, let alone being content with simple family life here on the ranch. She’d constantly demand a nicer home, a more exciting environment, a larger staff of servants. I didn’t want that glamorous, fake life. Had sexual attraction and dependability been the only things holding us together?
I glance at the clock. Only twenty minutes.
I take a deep breath. What am I thinking? A day spent in her company without being able to touch her will be torture. Every time Shawna gives me that sweet, shy smile of hers, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to claim her lips. Her body is soft, and her curves practically beg to be touched every time her hips sway. And since her hips sway whenever she walks…
Darn.
I am going to be trapped in a car with her all the way to Portland and all the way back. And she is going to ride in the front seat, so I’ll have a damn good view of those curves I can’t touch, press myself against, kiss…
I glance at the clock again. Nineteen minutes.
And then I sit on the edge of the hood, wondering what I’ve gotten myself into and how I am going to get out of it.
14
Shawna
I dress Tamara and myself warmly for our day out. Tami looks a little like a snowman in her wool pants, soft cotton sweater, and white snowsuit. I tuck a baby jacket inside the bag in case the day proves to be warm enough to dispense with the heavier outerwear.
For myself, I’d choose jeans and a burgundy sweater, paired with a turtleneck. The sweater covers the hole in the sleeve, as long as I don’t take it off. I throw a jacket over the ensemble, and feels too warm when we meet Jackson on the landing. Or do I suddenly feel hot because of him?
He’s in a blue denim shirt and matching jeans, with a red turtleneck underneath. He’s got a brown bomber jacket draped over his shoulder. Maui Jim sunglasses perch on his nose.His face is clean-shaven, giving him a more sophisticated, less rugged look that I still find attractive. In fact, I can’t decide whether I prefer him shaved or with a stubble.
He gives us a grin that would break a Hollywood starlet’s heart.
I bite back an infatuated sigh and hand him the baby, keeping the diaper bag. “Will Lilian be joining us?” I ask.
Jackson shakes his head. “She isn’t feeling well.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s her arthritis.” he says as we make our way to the garage. He already transferred Tamara’s car seat earlier, and he
straps her in within seconds.
I slide into the Toyota Prius, admiring the leather interior. It’s a small car, but more expensive than anything I ever owned. Well, except for that ridiculous sports car Brad bought me when we lived together, but that had never really been mine. He hadn’t even let me get my license so I could drive it. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was still under a tarp in his garage.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
I blink up at Jackson as he slides behind the wheel. “They aren’t worth a penny.”
He shrugs. “How about a freebie?”
Heat rises in my cheeks. Jackson winces. Did he realize how suggestive his question sounded? Still, as his employee, I suppose I should answer him. “I was just thinking how nice this car is.”
“Oh.”
Oh is right. As in, oh my god, how am I going to survive this trip? We haven’t talked like this before. So close together. So intimately. I don’t know if I can take it. Which is why I tell him, “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll nap while you drive. Tami kept me up late last night.”
Jackson nods as he lifts the garage door with the remote and backs down the driveway. “You’ve got a couple of hours.”
Good.
I close my eyes, pretending to sleep. Eventually, the lull of classical music and the hum of road tires does allow me to drift off to sleep.
15
Jackson
A little more than an hour after we leave, Shawna starts screaming.
I jerk the wheel, sending us swerving into the shoulder for a moment before regaining control. Breathing deeply, I take my eyes off the road for a second to glance at her.
Shawna’s eyes are wild. Strands of hair, wet with perspiration, stick to her cheeks. She draws in deep, fast breaths. Is she hyperventilating? Going into shock?
I check in on Tamara with the rearview mirror. She’s begun to cry and her face is bright red, but otherwise she’s fine. Luckily we’re right next to a rest area and I turn in. Once the car’s parked, I turn to Shawna.