by Sarra Cannon
“Your behavior has been out of control lately,” Dad says. “But this? This is completely over the line. I won’t have a daughter of mine drinking and driving like some lunatic. Do you realize you could have been killed tonight? Or worse, you could have killed someone else? What if you’d hit another car? Or a pedestrian? I can’t believe you would be so stupid.”
I lean forward and bring my hands up over my face. I don’t want them to see me.
I’m sobbing now, thinking about what he’s saying.
He’s right. I could have killed someone. I could have died.
Mom puts her arm around my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. She rubs my back as I cry. “Go a little easy on her, Tripp. She’s still really shaken up over this,” she says. “Come on, Penny, look at me.”
She pulls my hands away from my face, but I don’t want to look in her eyes. I’ve disappointed my parents plenty of times before, but after this, I’m afraid they’ll never see me the same way again.
Maybe no one will.
“Look at me, sweetheart.”
I slowly lift my eyes to hers and she gives me a small smile.
“We’ll talk about all this later, okay? Your father and I are just glad you’re alright,” she says. “The doctor said you’re extremely lucky to be alive. Other than a few scrapes and bruises, he says you’re going to be just fine. That’s what’s important right now.”
“Am I going to jail?” I ask, my voice trembling.
Her eyes flick toward my father, then back at me. She shakes her head. “We’re going to take care of everything,” she says. “You just concentrate on getting some rest and getting better.”
Relief floods through me, but it’s mixed with guilt. I know they’ll have to call in some favors to make this disappear, and it isn’t really fair.
“What about Mason’s car?”
“Shhhh,” she says, patting my hand. “Let us deal with all that.”
The door opens and the doctor walks in. Dr. Mallory is about my parents’ age, and he’s a friend of theirs. He’s not usually an ER doctor, and I’m wondering if my parents asked him to come in tonight. He smiles, clutching a clipboard tight against his chest.
“I’m glad to see you awake,” he says. “How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” I say. “A little bit sick to my stomach.”
He pushes his glasses up on his nose. “All very normal reactions,” he says. “But I would like to talk to you in private for a few minutes, if your family doesn’t mind.”
“If this is regarding her injuries, I’d like to hear what you have to say,” my mother tells him.
Dr. Mallory clears his throat and lowers the clipboard to his side. “I’d really prefer to talk to Penny privately first,” he says. “She could really use some more rest, anyway.”
“Of course,” Dad says. He releases his tight grip on the rails, then pats my leg as he walks toward the door.
Mom kisses my forehead. “We’ll be right outside in the waiting room,” she says. “Hopefully we can take you home soon.”
“It shouldn’t be too much longer,” the doctor says.
He waits by the door as Preston, Mom, and Dad all file out. Then, he closes it behind them and even watches through the tiny window to make sure they’ve gone.
Worry knots in my stomach. What could be so awful that he wouldn’t want to say it in front of my parents?
Dr. Mallory pulls up a rolling chair, then sits down by my side. I sit up and he stuffs an extra pillow behind my back.
“Better?” he asks.
I nod. “Am I dying?”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Far from it,” he says. “Other than a few scrapes and bruises, your injuries are really very minor compared to the severity of the crash. We can have a plastic surgeon take a look at the cut on your jaw if you’d like, but I don’t think it will scar too badly.”
I rest my hands on my lap, picking at the white sheets that cover my legs. There’s a pulse monitor clamped on my index finger and I tap it against the sheet.
“What’s wrong, then?”
“Nothing,” he says. “I just wanted to let you know that as a precaution, the first responders took a blood sample and ran a few tests. This is all standard procedure, especially with young women. They often run a pregnancy test just to ensure they don’t use any medications or treatments that might adversely affect an unborn baby.”
I look up at him, my hands clutching the sheet and my heart stopping in my chest. The room seems to be spinning again, and I blink several times.
“What are you saying?”
“Penny, I’m saying your test came back positive,” he says. “You’re pregnant.”
Chapter Fifteen
I stare at Dr. Mallory, my body rigid. I couldn’t have possibly heard him right.
I feel dizzy and press my lips together so tight it hurts.
“Judging by the look on your face, I am assuming you didn’t know,” he says. “I had a suspicion you didn’t since you were drinking this evening.”
My mouth falls open and I raise my hand up to my collarbone.
The world tilts as I try to make sense of all the thoughts spinning through my head. I’m going to have a baby. Mason’s baby. And I’ve been drinking. Tears pour silently down my cheeks. I can’t seem to stop them from coming.
“Have I…” my breath hitches and I can’t put a voice to my fears. If I’ve hurt this baby, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
“I’d like to have one of my nurses come in and help me perform an ultrasound to make sure the baby is okay,” he says. “Do you remember the date of your last period?”
I close my eyes and shake my head. I have no clue. “Maybe a month ago?” I say. “Maybe a little over?”
My periods aren’t always regular, so I’m not sure and my head is now pounding too hard for me to think straight.
“Do you mind if we roll a cart in here and take a look? I just want to make sure everything looks okay. And maybe we can get a better idea of how far along you are.”
I swallow, but my mouth is so dry a lump seems to stick my throat.
“I don’t want my parents to know,” I say. “I don’t want anyone to know.”
In such a small town, gossip spreads faster than a wildfire. Get the wrong nurse in here or the wrong person looking at my file and everyone in town will know by noon tomorrow.
How am I going to tell Mason?
What the fuck am I going to do?
“I promise we won’t share this information with your parents without your permission,” he says. “If we’re discreet, you’re okay with doing the ultrasound tonight?”
I am dazed, not even sure how to process all this information. This is the last thing I expected to find out tonight.
“What about the alcohol?” I ask, panic making my skin feel tingly and cold. “I had way too much to drink. What if hurt the baby?”
My face crumples and I press my fist to my mouth.
“How often do you drink like this?” he asks. “Every night? Once a week? Once a month?”
My hands begin to shake. “I had a lot to drink last weekend,” I say. “But before that, it was about a month.”
“Your blood alcohol level when you were admitted was less than .10, and if you were only intoxicated twice during your pregnancy so far, I would put your risk of complications such as fetal alcohol syndrome as low,” he says. “However, if you continue to drink during your pregnancy, that risk will increase significantly.”
I shake my head, relieved but scared. “I won’t,” I say.
He pats my shoulder. “I’m going to get all the equipment we’ll need,” he says. “I’ll be back in a moment. Is there anyone you want me to call? Someone you’d like to be here with you when I perform the ultrasound?”
I think of Mason. He must be so pissed at me right now. I made a fool of myself, trashed his car, and now this. I want him here, but I don’t think he’d want to be here. I have no idea how
he would even react to this kind of news. If he didn’t even want to be tied down by a relationship with me, he’s definitely not going to want to start a family right now.
I bite my lip and run a trembling finger across my forehead.
I don’t want any of my friends here, either. They won’t understand. There’s only one person I can think of that I can totally trust to support me through this.
“Can you get my brother for me?”
Chapter Sixteen
Preston is standing at my side when the image pops up on the monitor.
I have no idea what I’m looking at. The screen just looks like round black and white blob with a dark black oval in the middle. Nothing in there looks even remotely like a baby.
The doctor moves the wand around, then settles on one location and stares up the screen, his forehead wrinkled and intense.
“What is it? Is everything okay?”
He doesn’t answer at first. He moves the mouse around and a couple of measurements pop up on the screen. I squint my eyes, trying to make sense of it. Under the sheet, my toes tap against the bed. Why isn’t he saying anything?
“Doctor?” Preston asks. “What exactly are we looking at here? Is the baby alright?”
Dr. Mallory smiles, but doesn’t take his eyes from the screen. “See this black part in the middle?” he asks. “That’s your uterus.”
My heart is pounding and I stare in awe at what he’s showing me.
“And here,” he says, circling the pointer around a tiny grey blob that is barely sticking out into the black part. “This is your baby.”
I can’t take my eyes off the tiny little spot. My heart aches and tightens and I think I’ve never felt so in love with anything in my whole life. I raise the back of my hand to my mouth and exhale, almost laughing.
“So he’s okay?”
“He or she,” the doctor says, glancing toward me with a smile. “We won’t know that answer for a couple of months, yet, but for right now, the baby seems to be doing great. See this little flicker of light on the screen?”
I lean forward and see a pulse of light.
“That’s your baby’s heartbeat. Nice and strong,” he says.
I dissolve into tears for about the tenth time in two hours, but these tears are different. This is a flood of relief and joy and a sudden, paralyzing fear. I am pregnant.
Preston hugs me and we both stare at that tiny flicker, unable to take our eyes off of it.
“Holy shit, Penny,” he says. “You’re going to be a mommy.”
I sniff and wipe the tears from my face. I can hardly believe this moment is real.
“From the measurements, I would say you’re right at around five and a half weeks pregnant,” Dr. Mallory says. He pulls out a little paper chart, moves a few things around and then nods. “That puts your due date in early April.”
Five and a half weeks. I try to think backwards to when this happened. I’ve been on birth control pills for the past couple of years, but I’ve gotten careless about taking them. I tried setting alarms on my phone as a reminder, but in the past few months, I sometimes missed days at a time. I guess I never thought that much about it, because Mason almost always used condoms, too.
I thought between the two things, we were being safe enough.
But somewhere along the way, a forgotten pill and a moment of passion came together at just the wrong—or right—time.
Staring at that flickering heartbeat, I know that my life will never be the same again.
Chapter Seventeen
My parents bring me home just after sunrise.
I know they have a lot more they want to say to me, but for now, everyone is just too tired and too drained.
We separate to our own suites, but instead of going back to his apartment, Preston comes with me to my room. I’m so grateful he’s here for me. Without his support, I might have already lost my mind.
“Can I get you anything?” he asks. “Or if you want to get some rest, I can sleep on the couch out here for a while.”
I reach inside my bag and pull out the bottle of prenatal vitamins the doctor gave me. “Would you mind getting me a glass of water?”
When he disappears to grab some water from the kitchen, I search for my cell phone. I dial Mason’s number. I have no idea what I am going to say to him, but we really need to talk. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I know we’re okay. What am I going to do if he hates me?
The phone rings a couple of times. My heart skips a beat when someone picks up, but then I realize it’s just voicemail.
“It’s me,” I say. I hardly recognize my own voice. There’s a weariness inside the sound that goes deeper than just being tired. “I don’t even know how to begin to apologize for last night. I really need to talk to you. Please, call me.”
I hang up and toss the phone on the table beside the couch. I sit down and pull my favorite fuzzy blanket over my legs. I’m not really cold, but having something to wrap myself inside feels good. Like a cocoon. I wonder if I sit here long enough if I’ll somehow emerge a better person. Someone who doesn’t make such stupid decisions over and over.
I pull my knees up tight against my chest and wrap the blanket tighter.
When Preston comes back with the water, he opens the bottle of prenatals and brings a couple over to me. I take them, finishing off the entire glass of water in one gulp.
“Thanks.”
“Anything you need, sis. I mean it.”
I feel the tears starting again. It’s a feeling that starts deep in my belly. A tightening that spreads upward. I take a deep breath, but I’m too tense and tired. My chest is too tight.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. He sits down against the opposite corner of the couch.
“I think I’m still in shock,” I say. I run a shaky hand through my hair. It feels so dirty and heavy. I desperately need a shower, but I don’t want to move from this spot. “I don’t know whether I’m happy or upset or just really, really scared.”
“I think that’s probably pretty normal in this kind of situation,” he says. He looks away, his lips pressed together and his forehead wrinkled up. “Penny, I don’t want to say anything that’s going to upset you, but—”
“It’s okay,” I say. I can tell from the struggle going on on his face that he wants to ask the tough questions. “I think I already know what you’re going to ask.”
I think he’s going to ask me how I could be pregnant when I haven’t really been dating anyone, but he surprises me.
“Are you going to tell Mason?”
My mouth falls open. “How—”
“I’m not blind, Penny. I’ve seen the way you both look at each other,” he says. “I knew something was going on there, but I wasn’t sure how serious it had gotten.”
“He doesn’t want a relationship with me,” I say. I fold my arms over the tops of my knees and rest my head against them. “Sex, yes. Relationship? No. He doesn’t want to be tied down.”
My voice cracks as I say those last words out loud. What am I going to do? Can I really raise a baby on my own?
I hide my face inside my arms, exhausted from crying way too much over the last twelve hours. Eventually, you’d think the tears would stop coming.
“It’s going to be okay,” he says. He puts his hand on top of my foot.
“How?” I ask. “It’s hard to see how this is all going to work out. My mind keeps running through all these possibilities. Mom and Dad are obviously going to be devastated. I mean, I know they’ll love their grandchild no matter what the circumstances are, but let’s face it. A surprise pregnancy when I’m not engaged or married isn’t exactly ideal.”
“No, but it’s not like you’re some teen mom. You’re an adult,” he says.
I snort. “An adult who still lives at home and who just wrecked her non-boyfriend’s expensive car while drunk driving,” I say. “This isn’t your strongest argument.”
Preston smiles and shakes his
head. “Well, you do have a point, there.”
I smile and straighten my legs across the couch. “And what about Mason? If he doesn’t want to be with me, he’s not going to suddenly change his mind just because I’m pregnant,” I say. “And if he does, that’s worse. I’m not exactly hoping for a shotgun wedding here. I want him to be with me because he loves me, and there’s nothing I can do to make that happen. Telling him about the baby is only going to complicate that whole situation.”
“I know he says he doesn’t want to be with you, but I swear, you should see the way he looks at you sometimes when you’re not paying attention,” Preston says. “There’s something there, Penny.”
Hope flutters through my stomach, but I try to ignore it. “Yeah, it’s called lust,” I say. “He’s only interested in one thing. I thought that was going to be enough, you know? Just to be close to him.”
“I don’t think that’s all there is for him,” he says. “I know him, Penny. I can tell by the way he talks about you and looks at you that he cares about you a lot. And not just as a friend.”
“That’s not what he says.” I’m scared to get my hopes up. I have to remind myself that just last night, he told me we weren’t right for each other. He doesn’t want me. “He’s made it very clear he doesn’t want me for anything more than friendship and the occasional sexy times. And weren’t you just telling me last weekend that I should forget about him and go out with someone else?”
Preston shrugs. “I just didn’t want to see you get hurt,” he says. “Mason’s...complicated.”
To say the least.
“What are you going to do about the baby?” he asks. “You’ll have to tell him eventually, I guess.”
I lean my head back against the throw pillow. “I have to get him to take my calls first,” I say. “I’m sure he’s incredibly pissed about his car.”
“Insurance will pay for the car. That should be the least of your worries right now.”
“There’s so much to think about. What am I going to do about school? I’ll have to miss the last couple months of Spring semester,” I say. “Should I get my own place, or stay here? I am not even remotely prepared for what’s about to happen to my body. It’s making my head spin just thinking about all of this.”