‘You might as well bring the chair closer to the garden. I can at least have your company while I’m doing all the hard labour,’ he said.
I brought the chair near the garden plot and watched him. For the next couple of hours I’d spend a couple of minutes helping him and then beg off and sit down on the chair.
‘Haven’t you ever heard of horticulture therapy?’ he asked.
‘You call this therapy?’
‘Sure. Have you been thinking about any of your problems since we started?’
‘Yeah. I’ve been thinking about my aching back.’
‘Don’t worry. You’ll love it when we get to the part where we start planting the vegetables. You’ll be even more excited once you see everything in full bloom.’
And he was right. The first year was not much fun, but by the next spring I couldn’t wait to get started. I loved going to the nursery where we’d pick out the plants and flowers. Soon I had my favourites. I asked him if we could plant a row of huge sunflowers and he smiled beatifically.
‘Your wish is my command,’ he said. He handed me a six-pack of cosmos. ‘You’re gonna love these too.’
Over the next couple of years I gradually learned all the nuances of gardening. He was right too about the therapeutic value of it. There came a point when it was my favourite pastime.
I told him about Voltaire’s Candide, in which the main character travels around the world experiencing all sorts of misadventures, only to realise at the end of the novel that it is while cultivating his garden that he finds meaning to his life.
‘What a wise man,’ Sam said. ‘And you’re pretty bright, Miss Smartypants, to find a literary reference about gardening.’
Yet now that I had started up with HIM, I found it more and more difficult to get excited about gardening. I went through the motions, but it began to seem more trouble than it was worth. Still, Sam would drag me out to the garden on the weekends when HIM was M.I.A., and get me to work on our fall crops. By then, I merely agreed to help him to appease him. One day I hoped to regain my enthusiasm for gardening. I just didn’t know when it would happen.
‘Look at the pumpkins!’ Sam said cheerfully when I met him in the backyard. But I just shrugged.
And Sam, who was the king of discretion, merely smiled at me weakly. He knew not to say anything about HIM. I wouldn’t have listened to Sam anyway.
12
We break up …
At last she was going to possess the joys of love, that fever of happiness she had despaired of ever knowing. She was entering a marvellous realm in which everything would be passion, ecstasy and rapture …
Gustav Flaubert, Madame Bovary
This is what I understood: I was up shit creek and I didn’t have a paddle. I didn’t even have a boat. I was sinking. Sinking. I had put everything on hold for HIM. HIM. Yet I didn’t even know who he really was. I’d taken the skanky road.
The weekend dragged on. It was endless. On Sunday afternoon the phone rang. I was pretty sure it wasn’t HIM. But I picked up the phone hoping it was HIM anyway. It was Rebecca’s husband. Rebecca had given birth to a baby girl earlier in the day. Could I come to the hospital to see mother and child?
‘Yes,’ I told him. ‘I’ll get there as soon as I can.’
‘Your ex is here already,’ he said.
‘OK. That’s fine. I’d like to see him,’ I replied. But a part of me wasn’t sure I could handle seeing Jake.
I got off the phone.
I decided to take a shower before I went to the hospital.
I took off my clothes and jumped in the stall. The water poured down on me. Of course I thought about HIM. How could I not? I thought about the time he fucked me in the hotel shower. I found a bar of soap and lathered myself with it. My hands travelled my body. I began making sweet love to myself. Once again, I was THERE. THERE where I always wanted to be. I closed my eyes and leaned against the shower wall. I began stroking my pussy with my fingers. It felt so good. I loved this feeling, loved it. Oh, I needed it. My body was so beautiful. I knew that. He would contact me again. Of course he would. I loved when he fucked me. I loved it. And then Oh. And then Ah. And then Yes. And then Please. And then Yes. Yes. Yes.
When I came it felt so amazing, I fell against the side of the stall. Later, when my heartrate came back to normal, I readjusted the water temperature to scalding. I stood there, letting the water almost burn me. When I couldn’t take it any more, I turned the water to cold and let it stream down on me before I turned it off.
I thought about how since I had met HIM I was masturbating pretty much all the time. Before HIM, I’d play with myself now and then, but nothing like this. It felt so good. It was almost like having HIM with me. I could get so turned on by my own body just thinking about HIM. I dried myself off with a towel and put on my clothes. I looked in the mirror before leaving for the hospital. I was as ready as I would ever be to greet my goddaughter into the world.
* * *
Rebecca’s baby was the prettiest, sweetest and most amazing baby I’d ever seen. But then I was biased. Rebecca looked exhausted but peaceful. She held her tiny baby in her arms. I hugged Jake and Rebecca’s husband before I sat down. It was like old times: the four of us together.
In fact we began talking about various shared memories: our camping trips, our holiday meals, my mother. Sitting with them was the first time I felt remotely ‘normal’. I was able to put HIM in perspective. Until Jake asked me to accompany him to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee.
We left the room together and found the basement cafeteria. He mentioned that there was a pretty outside area called the Healing Garden. We could sit by the koi pond and watch the fish.
We sat down on the concrete bench overlooking the koi pond. It was very calming. But my ex was not.
‘I heard about your new man,’ he said. ‘You gotta break it off with him.’
‘Why?’
‘Come on. You know better than anyone, he’s not right for you,’ he said in a matter-of-fact tone.
‘What do you know? You don’t even live here.’ I was furious.
‘Your best friend told me how you are a wreck.’
‘Her words?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, why didn’t she say anything to me then?’ I asked. ‘She hasn’t said much of anything about HIM.’
‘Maybe she’s been a little preoccupied with her pregnancy.’
‘Still.’
‘I love you. I always have. I always will.’
‘You love me but you’re married with children.’
‘My love for you has nothing to do with life choices we’ve both made. It’s ancient history now. But you left me, not the other way around.’
‘Do we have to discuss this?’
‘No. Of course not. But the reason I am telling you to ditch this guy is he’s making you sick. Look at you.’
‘Do I really look that bad?’
‘You look fine. But anyone who knows you, who really cares for you, can see you are out of whack. You just are.’
‘God.’
We sat there for a moment in silence.
‘Let me put it another way,’ Jake said. ‘You deserve more. This man isn’t honouring you.’
‘Why is it that the only one who will talk to me like this is my ex-boyfriend?’ I asked.
‘Beats me. But I guess it doesn’t matter who tells you what – it’s whether you actually heed that person’s advice.’
‘Listen to you. Ha,’ I exclaimed. And then we just kind of sat there, our shoulders touching. I loved Jake. I did.
I left the hospital and made my way home. I found my phone.
ME: I can’t do this. I just can’t.
He wrote back within minutes.
HIM: What r u talking abt? I loved last wkend.
ME: But then I didn’t hear from you. WHERE R U? I want every wkend.
HIM: U know that’s impossible.
ME: I can’t go on like this.
/> HIM: Then break it off.
ME: I don’t want 2 do that.
HIM: Make up ur mind.
ME: Aren’t u upset?
HIM: Sure but I am busy with my son’s Algebra homework.
ME: WHAT?
HIM: We can talk abt this next time I c u.
ME: When?
HIM: I don’t know. Busy schedule.
ME: Oh, forget it.
HIM: Just calm down.
ME: I can’t think straight. Do you want a break?
HIM: That’s ur call.
ME: U r never available on weekends. U won’t invite me to ur place.
HIM: Enuf.
ME: Listen. CALL ME. It’s stupid texting back and forth.
But he didn’t call me. It had been more than 48 hours since I slept. I couldn’t go on this way. It was now late in the evening. I had sat on my couch waiting for his text. Waiting. I hated this. Rebecca had given birth and I felt like I was dying. I went to my bathroom and washed my face. I looked in the mirror. I looked like a ghost.
I thought about my conversation with Jake. I knew my connection with HIM was unhealthy. But at the same time it was hard to extricate myself from HIM. Did I really think so little of myself?
I never quite thought it was a self-esteem issue as such. It was just that I couldn’t see any other options. I felt as if I had to see this one through. There was something about allowing myself to get so close to the edge sexually that kept me coming back. The more insistent he was during sex, the rougher he became, the more he took charge – all of that fitted my assumption that his desire for me was such that he had no choice but to fuck me in this manner. And I wanted to see this through. I wanted his touch. It was just so powerful.
There was also the notion that he was going further with me than he’d gone before, and this was enthralling to me. I was giving HIM something no one else had given HIM before. I was not allowing fear to get in the way of our lovemaking. He’d said it before: most women stopped HIM at some point. Sex was a sliding scale from perfunctory to mind-blowing. At the most extreme it became inexplicable. It was darker, a little scary but tantalising as hell. He and I were charting new territory. Neither one of us knew where we were headed. But it was my role to allow HIM to take as much as he wanted from me. I submitted to his passion because his dominance of me was an acknowledgement of his desire for me. The world was his sexual oyster when he was with me.
I was always surprised he could come so many times in one evening. I had asked HIM whether he took Cialis or Viagra but he denied it. He said it was because my body turned HIM on so much. He loved my curves, my breasts and my tight pussy. Certainly our bodies fitted perfectly together. We were on a journey yet the destination was unknown. I could not give HIM up, how could I? There would be nothing left if we were to go our separate ways. I could not imagine not having HIM inside me.
I thought how much my ‘love’ for HIM was like Anna Karenina’s for Count Vronsky. In her musings about him she had said to herself:
‘My love keeps growing more passionate and egoistic, while his is waning and waning, and that’s why we’re drifting apart.’ She went on musing. ‘And there’s no help for it. He is everything for me, and I want him more and more to give himself up to me entirely. And he wants more and more to get away from me. We walked to meet each other up to the time of our love, and then we have been irresistibly drifting in different directions.’
I’d had a healthier relationship before but I had let it end. Jake had been my champion. I didn’t need to tell him how to be with me. It all changed when my mom got sick. Jake had been wonderful. He was always helpful. He nursed her when I was unable to do so. I couldn’t complain. But the sicker she became the more I pushed him away. I couldn’t handle the day-to-day intimacy. I’d become angry with him for no reason. I’d tell him to leave me alone and stopped answering his phone calls. Jake persisted. He was a good man. He was a kind man. But eventually I let him go.
13
THE BOY, oh, THE BOY …
To say that from the moment her lover had left, O began to await his return would be an understatement. She turned into pure vigil, darkness in waiting expectation of light.
Pauline Réage, The Story of O
On Saturday morning Sam and I made our rounds of his apartment buildings. Apparently several more tenants had moved out, several without notice. It was always difficult to clean out an apartment when the tenants had left unexpectedly. Since they were willing, for whatever reason, to forfeit their deposit, they’d leave the place in disrepair.
Sam and I drove to the Grandview complex in silence.
‘What’s going on with your guy?’ he asked.
I was a little taken aback that he had mentioned HIM. He had been pretty discreet thus far.
‘Well, fuck HIM,’ I said.
‘Wow. You’re actually confiding in me about HIM. Usually I can’t get a peep out of you about the guy.’
‘Yeah, well, he’s an asshole. A complete and total asshole. Did I mention he was an asshole?’
‘Ahh. What’s going on? I thought you were pretty tight with him.’
‘Oh, it’s OK. I just hate the weekends when he isn’t available.’
‘Well, you know I’ve tried to let you come up with your own conclusions. But I think I have to agree with you. He is a son-of-a-bitch and I haven’t even really met him.’
‘Oh, just be quiet.’
Sam sighed. He put his hand on my shoulder and patted me. ‘Hey,’ he said softly. ‘I’m on your side.’
‘I know that. Thanks.’
We drove in silence until we arrived at the apartment building.
‘The Grandview.’ We both smiled. ‘Gotta love the view,’ we said in unison.
‘What or who do you want to tackle first?’ he asked.
* * *
On Monday I stayed late at the college. I didn’t want to go home to my empty duplex. I decided to grade papers but I wasn’t doing very well with it. I was very distracted. I felt like Lady Macbeth. I would wring my hands as I paced the floor. How could he have left me? Or had he left me? Should I send HIM one more plea for a get-together? I didn’t care where or when. I just wanted it to happen. But now it had been more than a week since I’d heard from HIM. Maybe he’d had enough. I sobbed.
It was getting too dark to grade the papers. I hadn’t turned on the overhead lights. They seemed so glary. I thought I should just go home. But then THE BOY walked in.
THE BOY was a sophomore in my English Lit class. He was an engineering major but he liked my classes. This was the third he’d taken from me. There were plenty of beautiful boys at the college. All boys in their late adolescence and early twenties are beautiful by definition. But THE BOY was gorgeous. He was on the swim team. He had a perfectly sculpted body from all the swimming. He had dark-brown hair and eyes. He had a certain innocence to him; perhaps it was that his face still had a little baby fat, so he looked sweet and beautiful and kind.
I’d had my fantasies about THE BOY, especially before I met HIM, but it was totally taboo to get involved with any of the students. I had signed various papers saying I would not get involved with any of them. But now with THE BOY in the room I was starting to feel a bit turned on.
Instead I burst into tears.
‘What’s wrong?’ THE BOY asked me.
‘Oh, I just had a really bad break-up.’
‘Who in their right mind would break up with you?’
I looked at THE BOY and smiled.
‘Why are you here?’ I asked.
‘I think I left my backpack at my desk,’ he said. He walked to his desk and sure enough he found it.
I sat at my desk in the front of the room, watching him. He moved one of the student desks over to sit next to me.
‘So what happened with your guy?’ he asked.
‘Oh, he’s just not very available and I want to see HIM all the time and …’ I said, crying.
I realised THE BOY had moved closer
. He began kissing me ever so softly. I kissed him back. It was perfect sweetness. He managed to pull down my sweater, exposing my breasts. He unhooked the bra and began fondling them. I fell back in the chair. I closed my eyes and let him caress my breasts.
‘Wow,’ I said.
‘Is this OK?’ he asked. ‘It’s the best way I can think of to make you feel better.’
‘Are you kidding? My God. It feels so wonderful. Not that it should be happening, though.’
THE BOY retreated for a moment. I opened my eyes. ‘It’s OK,’ I said softly. ‘I loved it.’
‘I’ve never done anything like this before,’ he said.
‘Really?’
‘No. I’ve had one girlfriend. We broke up before college. She went off to the University of Colorado and I stayed here to go to the community college. What did we have in common after that? Besides, she was an A cup.’
‘Size shouldn’t matter. Stop talking.’
THE BOY began sucking on my breasts. My nipples were hard and I was very turned on.
‘Size does matter. I worship you,’ he said. ‘You’re my Goddess.’
‘Oh, please, keep going,’ I said.
He began to flick his tongue back and forth over each nipple. He was bringing me very close to orgasm. And then when I couldn’t hold it a moment more, I came, shuddering. He had come too. When I was a little bit more oriented I could see a wet spot on his pants. We both looked down at it and laughed.
‘Oh, my God,’ he said. ‘When you came, I couldn’t stop myself. That’s the sexiest experience I’ve ever had.’
‘What you gonna do about the wet spot?’
‘I think I’ll change back into my swimsuit and pretend I didn’t get dressed again before I went home.’
‘You’re so smart. No wonder you get straight As in my classes.’
‘I get straight As in your classes because I downloaded a lot of my sister’s papers on her computer. She’s getting a Master’s in Literature at Smith College. Even though it’s a better school, it’s still the same curriculum.’
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