by Megan Smith
~ Age 18, hours after the accident ~
Rhea
The sky is splashed orange and pink, so alive and luminous, it’s going to be a beautiful day but in reality it’s an ugly, painful day. My best friend just lost everything in the blink of an eye. The sky should be grey and gloomy, not bright and cheery. I just can’t breathe, haven’t been able to get a breath and the weight on my chest feels like the equivalent of having an elephant sitting there.
Tanner got a call a few hours ago from Rex, sobbing into the phone, telling him that his parents and Savanna passed away. We’re sitting in the airport waiting for our flight to board. An interminable wait only made worse by the fact that everyone around us is going about their lives with what seems not a care in the world. Damn you all, just damn you all to hell.
I’ve been bawling like a baby all night. My eyes are red, swollen and they burn. Tanner has barely said two words to me since hanging up with Rex. He just watches my every move.
Tanner had put the call on speaker phone when Rex started explaining, through his own choked sobs, what happened.
“Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I saw.” Rex said through his tears.
“Savanna’s face was unrecognizable. There were so many tubes and wires connected to her. When Knox stepped into the room, her father stood and placed a shaky hand on his shoulder. Savanna’s mom walked out of the room and into my arms for support while her dad explained what happened.”
“Savanna is brain dead and the baby passed away too.” Rex sniffs. “Savanna’s mom breaks down in my arms when she hears her husband repeat the words the doctor told them. She just kept saying ‘no’ over and over again. They kept her alive until Knox was able to get there so that he could say goodbye.”
My hand covered my mouth; a waterfall of tears forming and falling. This is like a horror story no one should ever have to live through.
“Mom and dad died on impact.” Rex sobs. “Quick and painless, right?”
“I’m so sorry, Rex.” I cried.
Rex sniffs, “Can you guys get a ride up here? Knox and I are going to need you.”
Tanner wipes his eyes with the back of his hands, “Of course, we’ll get the first flights out.”
“Thanks, man.”
When our plane lands at LaGuardia Airport in New York we get a taxi to Mitchell Enterprises where Knox and Rex are waiting for us.
We take the elevator up to the top floor and the door is jarred open. It’s quiet and I’m not even sure anyone is here.
“Hello?” Tanner calls out.
“In here.” Rex answers.
We drop our bags by the door and walk down the hall to the only door that’s opened. Rex is sitting on a sofa that is positioned against the far wall. Knox is sitting in an executive chair staring out the window. He hasn’t even acknowledged that we’re here.
I walk over to Rex and he stands and wraps his arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Rex.” I cry. “I loved them like my own parents.”
He doesn’t respond and I can tell from his stiff posture that he’s holding back, trying to be strong. Finally letting go I sit down on the sofa and Tanner hugs Rex.
Rex looks over at Knox and shakes his head, “I’m going to go grab some lunch for all of you.. I’ll be back shortly.”
Tanner and I nod.
We all sit in quiet for a while, lost in our own thoughts. Your whole world can change in a blink of an eye. You don’t ever think about death until someone you know dies. You get caught up from one day to the next and before you know it years have passed. But suddenly when your world falls out from underneath you, you stop and think back about all the past times whether they are good or bad. You forget that you should live like it’s your last day on Earth. And dealing with the emotional fallout when not one, but four people, one of which was an unborn baby, is almost too much to bear for all of us. I cannot fathom the emotional wreckage that this accident has caused and the amount of time it will require to heal from it.
“Savanna was twenty weeks pregnant.” Knox speaks, almost a whisper, for the first time since we arrived. “We had an ultrasound appointment set up to find out the sex of the baby at the end of the week. We talked for hours about whether or not we wanted to know what we were having.” Knox’s eyes glaze over. “I secretly wanted a boy but I never told her that because she wanted a girl.”
He’s quiet for a while again. Tanner reaches for my hand and links our fingers together.
“The baby had just started moving a few weeks ago and anytime that I put my hand on Savanna’s stomach I was hoping the baby would move or kick but nothing happened.” Knox shakes his head. “I felt nothing last night when I put my hand on her stomach. I waited and willed our precious baby to move. Just a little flick, nudge, something, but I got nothing.”
How does anyone ever recover from something like this? He lost four of the most important people in his life.
“I told our baby how much I loved both of them and that I was sorry I’d never been able to meet him or her, but at least they would get a chance to know their mother and to watch out for each other up in heaven.” The intensity of what he’s saying has become too much for him. The cracks in his resolve that he’s been barely holding together finally gives way. The floodgates open and he loses all sense of self right in front of us.
I lost it, I tried being strong for Knox but that broke me. Life isn’t fair. Tanner pulled me to him and I buried my face in his chest soaking his shirt with my tears.
He continues, how he’s speaking through his grief I have no idea. “I kissed her stomach and pulled the covers back up. Then I kissed Savanna on the lips and told her all my plans that I had for the night and how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I even took the engagement ring that I bought her and placed it on her finger. I dropped to one knee and proposed to her right there in the hospital. I knew I would never get an answer but I was ok with that. It was something I needed to do for myself. I know she would have said yes, I just know it.” Knox’s breathing gets harder and his voice shakes. “I kissed her once more before telling her I loved her for the last and final time. I walked out of the hospital and went home.”
His composure returns, albeit briefly, and he gets quiet again, lost in thought. Tanner runs his hand through my hair.
“I couldn’t be there when they pulled the plug on my girlfriend and unborn child. It just seemed cruel in my eyes even though I knew it is what they had to do. When I got home I took a shower and sat in the chair in my bedroom trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do with my life now that everything was gone. The only thing right this second that is keeping me going is Rex. I have to be strong for him. We don’t have anyone else.”
“You have us, Knox.” Tanner tells him. “You’ll always have us. Anything you need you let us know. You know we have always stuck together. Nothing will ever change that.”
Knox nods and stares back at the window. We sat there for hours. Rex never came back with lunch, not that I was very hungry anyway but I’m worried about him.
The sun had long set hours ago before Knox spoke again.
“Tanner,” Tanner glanced over at Knox. “I’m going to need your help with Club Mango. I can’t go there and I don’t trust anyone else to run it.” Club Mango was Savanna’s club. She started it from the ground up, named it and helped Knox’s parents with it from day one.
Tanner didn’t hesitate with his response, “Done.”
“Is that going to cause a problem with you and Rhea?” Knox looks between the two of us.
Managing Club Mango would mean that Tanner would have to move to South Carolina, two hours away.
Tanner stares at me, his wheels are spinning. “No.” He answers Knox. “You’re eighteen, you can move out. There isn’t anything your father can do or say to stop this.”
I manage to muster up a small smile, he’s right. “Not a damn thing.”
“Find a place to live, close to the club and get me
the information. I’ll get everything set up.” Knox tells us.
“You don’t have to do that.” Tanner argues.
“Yes, I do.”
“Knox,” I warn.
“Just let me do things my way. Just…I have to do this. It’s the way it has to be, the only way.” Knox scrubs his face with his hands. “Let’s go find Rex.”
Three days later, Audrey and Austin Mitchell were laid to rest; two days after that Savanna and Knox’s unborn baby were buried. There’s always this surreal feeling enveloping everyone that seems to fall like a suffocating blanket over people when a tragedy like this happens. Once loved ones are buried though it’s almost like the blanket lifts and we are faced with the reality of this “new normal,” being forced to live our lives differently without each of them in it. There’s no step-by-step guidebook that tells you how to do that though.
I want instructions, I want to read words that will help me show others how to cope and move on but I can barely cope myself. Have you ever read something and just the intensity of a few words gave you tingles? I once read a phrase that actually made my heart skip a beat, although for different reasons at the time. It said “One breath, one step, one day at a time…” Little did I know how appropriate this phrase was going to be for all of us as we dealt with this unimaginable loss and went on with our lives like nothing had changed when, in fact, everything had.
~ Age 23 ~
Rhea
Life seems to be slowly getting back to normal. Since Tanner and I have moved to Myrtle Beach to take over running Club Mango things are running smooth compared to some of the bumps in the road we had in the beginning.
I haven’t seen or heard from Daddy in five years. When Tanner and I went home a few weeks after Savanna’s death we told Daddy that we were moving to help Knox. Daddy tried to bribe me into staying with him. Told me he’d pay my way through school, he’d buy me any car I wanted and offered to help me buy a house after graduating. Only problem with that was it didn’t include letting Tanner be a part of my life. When I told him if Tanner couldn’t be a part of that with me then I didn’t want anything from him. He flipped the fuck out and cut me out of his life. He told me I was just like my mother. It took everything I had to stop Tanner from punching him in the face that night. It was a fucking disaster.
It took Knox and Rex a long time to come down and visit us after losing Savanna and their parents; it was hard on them. It was hard on all of us really. Audrey and Austin were just those cool parents that you wished were really yours. Audrey was a better mama to me then my real mama was at times. When I first got my period it was Audrey who took me to the store and explained how things worked. My mama always seemed to have more important things going on in life. The summer following their death, Cade and Jeremy couldn’t take it anymore and more or less continued on with life as if Knox’s parents just weren’t come down during that summer, like something came up that they couldn’t get out of. Every weekend Cade and Jeremy would force Tanner and me to go over to the Mitchell’s beach house and have a BBQ like old time sakes. I loved them a little more for doing that, for keeping the memories alive. Audrey and Austin would want that.
Knox called me the week of July fourth five years after the passing of his parents throwing me off guard a little. When he does call he’s normally calling for Tanner and then I’ll get to talk to him for a little bit after that.
“I’m coming for the weekend.” He rushes outs.
“You’re what?” I say choking on the sweet tea I just took a drink of.
Knox chuckles, “I’m coming down and I’m bringing some people with me.”
I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a long minute. “You’re coming here without us begging you?”
Knox sighs, “Yeah.”
I shake my head, “Hmm.”
“Hmm, what?”
“Did you hit your head?” I joke.
“Ha. Ha. Stop being a brat and make sure the house is clean¸ please. I know Cade and Jeremy have been using the house like a bachelor pad.” He’s right, they have been.
“Hmm.”
Knox groans, “What?”
“If by people, do you mean a girl?” I had to know, this was huge.
“What?” He’s avoiding the question by acting as if he couldn’t hear me the first time.
“You heard me Knox.” I huff. “I take it you like her too.” It has to be a girl. It’s the only thing that makes logical scene.
“How do you know I’m bringing a girl?” He questions.
Now it’s my turn to sigh, “I’m not a dummy.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Jerk.”
“You know it.”
“Oh my God, are you bringing more than one girl? Please tell me you haven’t become another Cade and Jeremy?” I stammer thinking that he said he’s bringing “people” with him and that means more than one girl.
“Have you lost your mind? She has a friend she’s bringing with her.” He clarifies, as a breath of relief escapes me. “Rex is actually good friends with the both of them.” Ah, now that helps explain things a little better. The little brother is trying to hook the big brother up. How cute.
“When are you coming?”
“Friday some time.”
“Okay.”
“That’s it? No twenty questions?”
I ponder that for a second, “Nope, not right now at least.”
“Love you, Little One.”
“Love you too.”
“Talk to you later.”
“Hey, Knox?”
“Yeah,” he hesitates.
“I’m glad you found someone.” I hang up before he can respond because he’ll just deny it.
I left Tanner to take care of things at the club on Thursday while I ran around and got the house ready and bought some food for the weekend. For some reason I was nervous about their visit and that was just silly. It was almost as if I was the mom meeting my son’s girlfriend for the first time. What the hell has gotten into me?
Come Friday morning I’m a bundle of nerves and excited at the same time. Tanner decides he’s going to try and help me relax by taking me out to the beach for the day until they arrive. Only problem is we fell asleep and my little Irish ass is now burnt to a crisp.
Tanner and I step out of the shower and he helps rub aloe over my whole body. “Damn it, Tanner, that shit is freezing.”
He rolls his eyes, “I don’t want to hear it, and I told you to put sunscreen on.”
I grab the bottle out of his hand, “I’ll do it.” I squeeze some into my hand and start with my legs cringing as the cold aloe hits my flaming skin. “Do you think they’re here yet?
Tanner sits on the bed and ties his sneakers, “Probably.”
I quickly finish up, get dressed, put a little make-up on and we make our way downstairs. A super cute, short girl is walking up the stairs looking completely uncomfortable. She has beautiful chocolate hair, bright green eyes and her olive skin complexion is sheer perfection and everything I wish for with my own pasty, yet now the color of a lobster skin. I should despise her from looks alone, but I can’t. I’m sure she doesn’t ever have to worry about frying in the sun.
“Hi,” Tanner and I say at the same time.
“Hey,” she says with a smile continuing upstairs.
As soon as my feet hit the bottom step I run full force into Knox’s open arms. “Oh my Lord, I’ve missed you!” This hug can’t be close enough or tight enough when it comes to Knox right now. In this moment, this one defining moment of having him here with us, in this place, I start to see the vague shadow of lights forming at the end of this very long tunnel, a way out, not for just me but for all of us. A sense of normalcy that none of us have had in a very long time. A tear escapes out of the corners of my eyes as I try to contain the overwhelming emotions that are just begging to be set free.
He laughs, “I missed you too, Little One.”
“Get your hands off my g
irl.” Tanner says with a smile on his face.
They clap each other on the back, “Nice to see you back in town.”
Knox shrugs, “I thought it was about time.”
My stomach growls and they both laugh at me. “What? I’m starving.”
Knox nods and rubs his stomach, “Let me go settle things upstairs and then I’ll cook everyone dinner.”
I hug Tanner’s arm, “Sounds good.”
Knox turns to leave the kitchen but stops and turns around, “Have you seen Jasmine yet?”
I look up to Tanner and then over to Knox, “Yeah. She’s beautiful, Knox.”
“She’s the devil.” He says with a chuckle.
I laugh, “You wouldn’t have it any other way.”
He nods, “You’re right.”
The rest of the night goes on and Knox officially introduces Jasmine to Tanner and me. I can see why she caught Knox’s eye. She a sassy, no nonsense kind of girl and exactly what Knox needs in his life. I see how different Knox is with Jasmine. My heart swells for him, he deserves to be happy after everything he’s lost.
Saturday night rolls around and we all decide to go to Club Mango. I was a little worried at first since Knox has only been there a handful of times over the last five years but he said he was fine and he wanted to do this.
The guys are all piled in the living room watching TV while waiting for the pizza to arrive. Jasmine, Summer and I are up in my room rooting through my closet trying to find something for Jasmine to wear out tonight since she didn’t pack any clothes to go to a club.
After trying on a few dresses, Jasmine decides on a silver one with a plunging neckline and a back scoop that ends just above her ass. I lent her a pair of black stilettos. Damn, she looks better in this dress than I do when I’m wearing it.
Summer comes out from the bathroom wearing a short, shimmery blue, one shoulder dress that hugs all her curves. She is sure to turn a few heads tonight. She pairs the dress with silver heels and piles her hair high on top of her head in a tight bun.
“Look okay?” Summer asks Jasmine.