by T. L. Tate
I tried to swallow, but there was no moisture in my body.
"Oh my god."
"Do you like what you see?" She stepped closer to me and I stepped back.
"Y-yea. I mean y-yes! You're beautiful." I couldn't take my eyes off of her body.
She kept stepping closer and I kept retreating.
"You sure know how to sweet talk 'em. Don't you, Michael?" She stopped as the back of my knee hit the bed and I toppled over. I struggled to right myself.
"Nervous?" She said as she bent over and started tugging at my pants.
"N-no way!"
She looked up at me and smirked, "Liar."
Okay, sure I was lying. I was scared shitless! But I couldn't tell her that.
"What are you doing, Lisa?"
She finally succeeded in removing my belt and unbuckling my jeans. When she spoke her voice was flat, it was devoid of her usual energy and enthusiasm. Then she looked at me, and the distance she had in her eyes when I first held her suddenly returned.
"I'm going to fuck you. Aren't you a lucky boy?"
"F-f-sex! But..."
Now she froze and turned her head to the side as she observed me, "So it's true what they think about you."
"W-what do you mean?" I was desperate for something else to discuss other than sex.
"You're a virgin." She said it so matter-of-factly that I couldn't take offense, but nor could I answer. Instead my faced turned bright red.
"Aww, that's cute!" she snickered. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."
It was awkward. I had no idea what I was doing, but Lisa did. She told me what felt good and what didn't. Eventually I felt bold enough to take charge.
"Oh, yes! Finally! That's it, Michael. That's it!" She screamed as she wrapped her arms and legs around my body.
I was in heaven. Lisa was my first love and I was finally one with her.
When we were done, we lied on the bed both quiet in our reflections.
"I love you Lisa."
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I love you too, Michael."
Then she rolled off the bed and went into the shower. When she came back five minutes later she looked pained.
I wanted to do something to help her. "Hey, umm do you want to go over to Gregory's for a slice?"
"Umm, I'm sorry Michael. I'm pretty tired. It's been a long day. I think I'm just going to get some sleep."
"Oh, okay." I was deflated.
"Yeah. But, umm…thanks." She kissed me on the cheek and then ushered me out of the door.
The next day, buoyed by our new relationship status, I went to find her at work.
A short search didn't turn her up, so I went to our secret alcove. She showed the place to me one day a long while ago. It was a rarely used area of the library that she often used to take naps when her activities from night before were too much. I sometimes used it to study. It was always deserted so I was never bothered.
Rounding the stacks I approached the dim alcove when I heard voices.
"She meant nothing, Lisa. Honest!"
Lisa? I stopped to eavesdrop.
"Whatever, Tony! If she meant nothing then why did you sleep with her?" That was Lisa's voice and she was angry.
Tony? I've seen him a lot. When we went to parties he was always there. He always had a girl on his arm.
"That was a lie, Lisa. I never touched her. I swear!"
"I don't believe you!"
"Lisa, I'm telling you the truth. I know I'm a bit of a flirt but you're the only girl I care about. Come on, L. You know I love you baby." I heard the distinct sounds of kissing and a quiet moan from Lisa.
"And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"You're always hanging around that freshman. What's his name?"
"Michael. His name is Michael."
"Yeah! Him! You mean to tell me nothing's going on there?"
This was it. Lisa would tell him about us and would end whatever she had going on with him.
"Michael? No, nothing's going on. He's like a little brother. No, more like a lackey. He comes in handy when I need a gofer."
He laughed, "That's cold, L. Now come here, baby."
I didn't stay to hear more, I didn't need to.
I loved Lisa and she said she loved me but she didn't. Tony was a pig and would sleep with anything with a skirt. I knew that and if I did then Lisa had to know. But still, she was willing to turn her back on someone that loved her for a guy that would never be faithful to her. It was confounding.
The next day, I went to see my counselor and declared my major. Psychology. I had an embarrassing low level of understanding for the complications present in the human animal and I knew psychology would help me to understand more.
I dove into my studies with reckless abandon.
I stopped hanging out with Lisa and her gang and became a loner once more. I still loved Lisa, and this was more confusing and upsetting than anything. How could I care about someone that would toss me aside so easily?
I called her the day after declaring my major to tell her about it. She didn't answer.
I called her several more times throughout the following days and she never returned a single message.
I wish I could say that I was dumped, but that would imply that there was more there than whatever we were.
No, I was abandoned.
I stopped going to that library and started going to one of the branches or, when the weather permitted, I would study outside.
It was a year and a half later when, on that fateful day, this goddess walked into the sunlight and changed my life.
Without realizing it, I had followed her into a coffee shop on campus. The entire time I was struck dumb by her beauty and elegance. She walked, no floated like a queen and had a gentle smile that warmed my cold and lonely heart.
She ordered and then I ordered. I nervously stood next to her, desperately trying to find the right words to say to get her attention. I didn't want to come across as a creep but I didn't want to seem dull either. Before I got a chance to say a single word, my order was finished. Coffee—black.
"Marchelo", the barista shouted while looking straight at me. I'm not sure how Michael translated into Marchelo, but looking back I'm glad it did. When I took my coffee I turned to see Lana watching me with a smile on her face.
"Marchelo? That's an unusual name. What does it mean?"
I was dumbfounded. "M-Michael."
She giggled, "It means 'Michael'?"
"N-no, my name is Michael."
"Lana!" the barista yelled.
My mystery goddess reached out and grabbed her drink then turned back to look at me.
"I like Marchelo, but Michael fits you better."
"Thanks."
"Thanks for what? I didn't name you." She continued to smile as if she heard this wonderful joke. I didn't care if she was making fun of me. So long as she continued to pay attention to me, I was on cloud nine.
She held out her hand, "I'm Lana by the way. Nice to meet you, Michael." Her smile made me feel things I didn't know I was capable of feeling. Looking back, I know that that was the moment I fell in love with her.
I took her proffered hand and for some reason an overwhelming urge to pay obeisance to her took hold. I knelt forward and kissed her hand. Her brown eyes, so much like pools of sweet melted chocolate, twinkled. "It's nice to meet you Lana."
"My. My. My. I didn't think guys like you were still around."
"Guys like me?"
"Yeah, you know guys with actual manners."
"I've never really given thought to it before."
"So you were just raised right?"
"I guess."
She seemed to decide something. "Good, then I'll see you here on Saturday. 8 o'clock."
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. "Excuse me?"
"You're going to take me out on a date. Isn't that what you wanted? Isn't this better than following me across campus?"
I felt my face turn red out o
f embarrassment. She laughed loud and long. She laughed so hard that others took notice and began staring. This only deepened my chagrin.
"How did you know? I-I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I saw you and I just moved. I've never done anything like this before. I'm sorry."
Her mirth died down and she turned her intelligent eyes towards me. "Don't be sorry. If I didn't want to talk to you I wouldn't have cornered you in this coffee shop."
"You cornered me?"
She nodded and moved to sit down. I followed after her. "Yeah. It was pretty obvious you were following me. I was just out for a stroll and no matter where I turned you were right there. When I saw the coffee shop I figured I would see if I could get you to come. It was a fun game."
It was absurd! "Why would you do that? What if I was some psycho?" I said the last bit a little too loud and looked around to make sure no one overheard me.
"I wasn't worried about it. I know self-defense. I can hold my own against most average people."
Lana was by far the most confident and confusing person I have ever met. I was immediately taken with her.
We talked for about ten more minutes before she said she had to head off to work in the biology lab. Before she left she gave me her phone number.
"Remember, Saturday at 8. Don't be late or I won't be here." Then she turned and floated away.
I showed up at 6:30 on Saturday and waited until 8. There was no way I would chance being late. I probably drank 4 or 5 cups of coffee while I waited and when she showed up I was a little too wired. She thought it was funny.
That first date was the first of many. Each time I met with Lana, my love for her grew by leaps and bounds. I would've rather chewed off my own arm than to live without her.
Lana and I dated for almost 2 months before she brought me home to meet her parents. The night that Lana brought me home to meet her parents, her mother and father seemed to approve--although it took some convincing on her father's part. However, one look at me, and Eva declared I was a "closet pervert with no future prospects". Yeah, to say that Eva and I never got along was an understatement. But for the sake of my Lana, I put up with her bratty little sister.
The following holiday, I brought her home to meet my grandma. Lana charmed Grandma Steele within 2 seconds, flat.
"Oh my god, Mikey!" she whispered, loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. "You said she was pretty but that's understating it."
"Grandma..." I whined. I looked at Lana as she glanced back at me and smiled.
Lana is my heart. She is my soul. Lana makes me want to be a better man. A man, I knew that she deserved and more. Without Lana I don't know where I would be. She means more to me than my entire life. Lana and I dated for the rest of our undergraduate years, into graduate school and all the way through our doctorate programs. I became a clinical psychologist and Lana became a doctor of biochemistry.
Before Lana, I never believed in the existence of a soul mate. I thought it was just a pipe dream that lonely teenagers used as an excuse to sleep around or to battle feelings of loneliness. But once I laid my eyes upon her, I knew I had found my destiny. I knew in the span of a heartbeat that I would give anything that I was and be anything that she needed in order to be with her.
We married two months after obtaining our PhDs. The ceremony seemed to fly by but I remember ever detail as if it had just happened. The sight of Lana walking down the aisle, a beatific smile on her face. The love shining in her light brown eyes. The fragrance of her perfume. The softness of her chestnut skin. The way she laughed as we danced into the night. The pleasure I felt as her body wrapped around mine as we made love as husband and wife. I can remember it all. I can still feel it all.
Our life together was wonderful. The only thing that continued to mar our perfect existence was the presence of her bratty little sister.
~
My mind snapped back to the present. I was standing in the doorway with the sun to my back and Eva before me.
Eva just stood there, her eyes and mannerism displaying hostility. I didn't give a damn about what she said or how she felt. I had given up on worrying about her years ago.
"What do you want Eva? It's Saturday. I can do whatever the fuck I please."
She didn't like being challenged. As the youngest manager of her financial firm, I felt sympathy for the employees under her, but that's not my problem. Eva will be Eva. And once I married Lana there was no getting rid of her. Ever.
"I don't give a flying fuck what you do you piece of filth! I'm here to see my sister! Where is she?"
I took a deep breath and counted to five. When I responded I was calm and level headed. "She's in the study. Where she always is."
Eva nodded to me coldly then turned on a dime and marched down the hallway. I heard the sounds of her red heels clicking the entire way until she met the carpet on the border of the study.
I sighed and went upstairs and got into the shower.
The hot water washed away my weariness. By the time I emerged, the bathroom was covered in steam. I itched my face and knew it was time for a shave. Once I wiped the steam off the cloudy mirror I saw two steel blue eyes staring back at me. They were alert but there was a hole in them begging to be filled. I averted my eyes and grabbed my shaving kit, the entire time refusing to look myself in the eye again. Once I was finished, I went into my bedroom to find something to wear.
Lana had taken up most of my side of the closet with her clothing. I didn't mind. I liked seeing parts of her wherever I was. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and got dressed.
Once I was dressed I sat on the edge of my bed. I knew if I left now that I would have to face Eva and I didn't know if I had the energy to do so.
"Why does that girl hate me so much?" I mumbled to myself.
Every time she came over here it was pretty much the same thing. She would insult me then ask to see her sister. She would visit with Lana and then insult me and leave. I was a fool if I expected anything different.
Surely, tonight would be the same. Resigned to my fate, I headed down the stairs into the kitchen.
I made myself a light meal of humus, carrots and salami.
I heard the door to the study open and then came Eva's voice, "I'll come by in a few days to see you again. I love you sis."
When she came into the kitchen she froze upon seeing me, her eyes dark. "Well at least you cleaned yourself up. My sister would hate to see you like that."
For what seemed like the first time in a long time, I acknowledged Eva's physique. Average height, curvy body, tanned skin, plump lips and cold eyes. Her brown curls fell about her shoulders in tight ringlets and she wore a white blouse with a red dirndl skirt. The tight material of her clothing showed off her curves in a way that would make most men's mouth water.
"Hot date?" I asked, hoping to avoid our normal conversation of loathing.
No such luck.
"Do you care?" Her voice was as icy as her stare. "I'm leaving. Try not to do anything to dishonor my sister, loser."
Just like that, another visit was over and done with.
I sat my dishes in the sink and walked into the study. "Hello my love. I'm sorry I slept so late today. I must've drunk too much last night. I know you don't like that. I promise to cut back."
Silence.
I moved over to the desk where Lana was and sat down on the table. "I hope you're not mad at me. I couldn't bare it if you were." I knelt down and kissed her gently.
Silence.
"Your sister sure is a handful. But Eva is Eva. Huh? I don't have to go into the office so I think I will just stay in with you all-night, if that's okay. We can listen to Sinatra and I'll tell you about some of the issues at work."
Silence.
I moved and sat on the chair, tears welling in my eyes. I felt the first lump catch in my throat. "I love you Lana. I love you with all that I am." I picked up Lana and sat her on my lap.
The weight of the urn felt like the weight o
f the world. I picked her up and held her to my chest as uncontrollable sobs racked my body.
"Why did you have to leave me, my love? Why did you make me promise to stay? There's nothing here for me if you're not here. Lana I miss you. I just want to hear your voice. I just want to see you smile. I want to smell your hair and touch your skin. Lana, I love you. Lana, I miss you."
I sat there and cried for the rest of the night. I woke the next morning with Lana still in my arms. I gently placed her back on the desk and kissed her one last time before I went into the kitchen and grabbed an unopened bottle of scotch.
I fell asleep at my desk. The last thing I remembered was staring at Lana. I woke to the sound of my cellphone chirping. I had a missed message. I ignored it. I sat back in my chair, a splitting headache making me regret my choice to open the bottle of scotch that morning.
"Hurmph!" I tried to make myself stand but found I lacked the strength. I stared at Lana, my chest tightening.
Fourteen years after we first started dating a routine pap smear found a mass. Further exploration delivered to us the worst news possible. Lana had ovarian cancer. The doctors said if it were caught a year or so earlier then the prognosis would be more positive, but as it was the cancer had already spread to both ovaries and throughout her abdomen.
I was devastated. Lana and I had been trying for a year to have a child with no luck. The prognosis meant we would never have children and that soon, I would lose my heart and soul. That was when I first started drinking. The first week I was totally useless as a husband and as a friend. I would drink from morning till night and then repeat. One morning Lana came in and found me sleeping in the tub, covered in my own sweat, tears and vomit.
She kissed me softly on the cheek and held my hand. She forced me to open my eyes and look at her. Her brown eyes were full of love and sadness. "Michael, that is enough. You know as well as I that I don't have much time. I don't want to spend it in the bathroom cleaning up after you. I want to spend it like we always do. Like you promised me. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to see you smile. Now get up. We have plans today."
She removed my clothes and ran a bath for me. The fog lifted and I finally realized that I had been grieving her while she was still with me. Instead of being strong I threw a temper tantrum and became self-destructive. Lana needed me and there I was, acting petulant. I bathed, shaved and got dressed. After that was done I poured out all the liquor, wine, and beer in the house. I didn't have another drink while I still had my Lana.