“No one else is here?”
His face tightens a little. “No one else knows.” Then he leaves me standing there as he goes to ask my girlfriend whether or not she wants to see me.
I collapse into one of the chairs, trying to wrap my mind around what’s happening. Haylee’s mom totally sold her out. I can see why Haylee would be upset. But upset enough to drink herself to alcohol poisoning? James said he wasn’t with her. Did she do this by herself? The thought of her alone in her room, drinking, sad, makes me shiver.
You should have been there.
James doesn’t come back for twenty minutes. When he appears at my side, he looks even more tired than he did before. “I’m sorry, man. She doesn’t want to talk.”
“But—”
“She’s asleep now anyway. They’re going to release her in the morning. I’m sure she’ll see you then.”
I rub my forehead. She’s so close, and I can’t even see her. I feel impotent and guilty and really scared.
“You should head back,” he says. “I can let you know if anything changes.”
“I’m not leaving.”
He watches me for a minute before sitting heavily in the chair next to me. “She’s okay, Lennon. We’ve been here before.”
“You mentioned that.” I sit up straight so I can look at him. “How many times?”
He shrugs. “Not really my business to tell you.”
“But it’s happened before.” It’s not a question, but he nods anyway. “Has this been happening for a long time?”
“Just since the, ah, incident.” He sighs. “She has a hard time with it. Nightmares. Panic attacks. She’s stressed, all the time. She keeps waiting for something worse to happen. It was traumatic.”
“He really didn’t hurt her?”
“He held a gun to her head and threatened to kill her if she didn’t agree to run off with him. I think he hurt her plenty.”
I wince. “I didn’t mean—”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just… I’ve never seen her like that. Never seen anyone like that. The terror on her face when I got to the police station.” He rubs his hands over his face. “And every time she freaks out about it, her face is exactly the same. Like she’s still that scared, even after all this time.”
I feel like throwing up. She told me how scared she still was that night at d’Orsay. Did I not take it seriously enough? How had I missed her reaction today? “How’d she get away?”
“She managed to get to her phone when he was in the bathroom. Called 9-1-1. Then she had to sit and pretend like she hadn’t moved until they got there.” A sad smile tugs on his lips. “That’s like her, you know? To save herself. She’s never been one to rely on anyone else.”
“She relies on you.”
“She’s my best friend.” His voice is rough. “She’s been my best friend since I was fifteen years old. I would do anything for that girl.” He swallows. “But I can’t ever do enough. I can’t ever make it okay for her.”
“She needs help, James. If things are this bad for her, that’s not something that just goes away.”
“She refuses to talk about it with a doctor. She barely talks about it with us.”
“Then you have to keep trying.” I close my eyes, an image of my dad sitting with me the time I overdosed. Always there, no matter how often I tried to push him away. “I’ve been where she is, James. It might take a while for her to admit it, but if she needs help, you have to keep offering.”
He watches me out of the corner of his eye, probably wondering if I’m going to elaborate. Finally he nods. “You’re right. Well… I guess I should get back there.”
“Okay. Look, I’m gonna go.”
“I’m sorry, man. She’s just embarrassed.”
“I get it.” And I do. I know exactly how she must feel. But for the first time, I’m starting to have an idea of how my dad felt too. How Levi felt, knowing this about me for all those years, never able to tell anyone. How my brothers felt, getting the news dropped on them in August the way they did. For the first time, I understand what it feels like to be the person in the waiting room.
“I’m glad she trusts you enough to let you in the room, James. Just tell her I was here and she can call me anytime, okay?”
“I will.” He stands with me, shaking my hand.
It’s hard to walk away from her. Everything in me is telling me to run down to her room, not to take no for an answer. When you love someone, you’re supposed to fight for them, right? And I do love her. As improbable as it might seem, that I could fall in love with someone in the middle of this mess in my head, I know it’s the truth. In some ways, Haylee is everything I’m not. Boisterous and confident, always ready for the next adventure. She stands at the front of the stage, all eyes on her as she sings, while I’m content to hide behind my bass. Behind my brothers.
But in other ways—the ways that matter—we’re more alike than I could ever have imagined. She doesn’t even have to say a word for me to know that she understands me, that she can somehow read what I’m thinking or feeling in my eyes. She’s the only person in the world who I’ve ever been able to just be with, without the noise or distractions. She gets me. And I get her.
So I know better than anyone what she must feel like right now. Embarrassed. Scared. Ashamed. I can’t force her to see me. All I can do is be there when she’s ready to talk.
And speaking of talking… I catch a glimpse of the clock on the wall as I board the elevator. Five thirty. My brothers will be up, getting ready for the morning show that we’re supposed to leave for in twenty minutes. I have a feeling we’re going to miss that show.
I go to my dad’s room first, wanting to give him as much time as possible to cancel the appearance. The label isn’t going to be happy about this. I find I don’t care.
But my dad isn’t alone. My brothers and Levi are in his suite. And every one of them jumps up when I enter. “Where in the hell were you?” Reed yells.
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly, pulling the door shut behind me so we don’t wake up half the hallway. I have a feeling that won’t be the last time one of us raises his voice in this conversation.
“We’ve been calling you,” Daltrey says, his voice shaking.
“I forgot my phone—”
“That’s just great, Lennon,” Reed snaps. “You go running off in the middle of the night and you don’t tell anyone about it or bring your phone. That’s fantastic.”
“Stop yelling at him,” Cash says. “Can’t you tell he’s upset?”
“I’m upset, Cash!” Reed yells. “I’ve been fucking out of my mind here!”
“I’m only twenty minutes late,” I say.
“We’ve been looking for you for hours!” Daltrey cries.
“Why?”
“Because Levi was worried so he called you.”
I turn to look at my friend. He’s staring at the floor, refusing to meet my eyes. He looks exhausted. “When you didn’t answer, I went to your room, but you didn’t come to the door. So I called Will to get the front desk to open the room.” He finally looks up at me. His eyes are blank, like he’s numb, beyond even worrying at this point. “You weren’t there. So we went to Haylee’s room, and you weren’t there either.”
“I’m sorry. I had no idea you would come looking for me.”
“Where were you?” His voice is so small. Like he’s terrified of how I might respond.
I sink into one of the empty chairs by the dining table. “Dad, you need to cancel our appearance.”
“We already did that, Lennon,” Reed mutters. “Jesus, we’ve been looking for you for two hours.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s all you have to say?” he asks, his voice loud again.
“Can you stop yelling, Reed?” I rub my suddenly pounding head. “Look, I’m sorry if I scared you.”
He collapses onto the sofa, his shoulders slumping, all the fight going out of him. “Lennon, I have been scared
every second of every day since I saw you in that hospital bed.”
“I know,” I whisper, unable to look at him. “I’ve been scared too.”
There’s a beat of silence as a tremor seems to pass through the room. “Why have you been scared?” Daltrey asks, his voice shaking. “Do you want to… are you afraid you’re going to—”
“No.” I look around the room at them, all so tired. So worried. My dad alone hasn’t said a word. He’s sitting at the desk, his head in his hands.
“Levi, can you give us a minute?”
He shoots me an incredulous look. “Are you kidding me?”
“We need to talk about some things.” I meet his eyes, willing him to understand.
“Fine.” He rubs his face. “I’ll go tell the girls you’re back.”
“It’s going to be okay,” I say as he passes me. His eyes are questioning, but he nods at me before leaving.
“Why did you make Levi leave?” Daltrey asks, that scared note back in his voice.
“Something happened tonight.” I hear several sharp intakes of breath, and I hurry to explain. “Not to me, I’m fine but… someone that I care about is having a rough time. And seeing that… it made me understand, for the first time, really, what this all must have been like for you guys. Not knowing the truth about someone you love.”
“Lennon, we understand why you didn’t talk to us,” Cash says quickly. “You don’t have to beat yourself up.”
“Just listen, okay?” I manage a weak smile at my bad-tempered older brother. Just listening won’t be the easiest task for him. Cash prefers to yell when he’s mad. And break things. And he has plenty of company in this room when it comes to having a temper. A sudden lump comes to my throat. I love them so much. “I think we keep too much from each other,” I say. “And I think it’s time to put a stop to some of the lies.”
“What’re you—”
I ignore Daltrey and turn to my dad. “Mom didn’t leave us, did she?”
He finally lifts his head from his hands. He stares at me for a long moment. When he speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper. “No. I kicked her out.”
There’s several seconds of silence before the room explodes in noise.
“What?”
“Dad, what’re you talking about?”
“What’s going on?”
“You guys, please,” I call over them. “It will be easier if you let me talk.”
They actually shut up, all of them turning to me, though Reed can’t seem to stop glancing over at our dad. I swallow a few times, not sure how to start. “I… I’ve always had these weird memories about her. Stuff that didn’t make sense to me.”
“Lennon,” Dad says in a strangled voice. “What did you—”
“They were mostly normal things,” I continue, staring at the floor. Saying this out loud makes it all feel so much more real. “She would take me on errands with her, just the two of us. She used to tell me that I was the only one who could be quiet enough to go to the bank or whatever. And I was so proud of that. That we had these special times together, you know? But now, when I remember those times… I don’t feel proud. I feel really scared.”
“Why?” Cash asks. “What’s scary about that?”
I shake my head. “That’s the thing. I never knew what was scary about any of it. Because it seemed so… unimportant. Just normal, everyday stuff. But for some reason, whenever I would think about those memories or… dream about them… I would feel scared. And really guilty.”
“I don’t understand.” Reed looks again between me and Dad, who’s staring at me, transfixed.
“I didn’t understand either. Until I went to see her.”
Dad closes his eyes while the other boys stare at me, aghast. And for once in their lives, speechless.
Reed finds his voice first. “You went to see her?” There’s betrayal in his tone, on his face. “When?”
“You know where she is?” Daltrey whispers.
“She lives outside of Paris. And Haylee went with me a few days ago to find her.”
“How did you know this?” Reed asks. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Cash’s eyes are wide and disbelieving. “You took Haylee? You took Haylee instead of us?”
“I just needed… I needed to try to understand,” I say. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but—”
“How did you even know where to find her?” Reed asks.
“I hired a private investigator.”
“When?”
“When we signed our deal.”
“Jesus,” he mutters. “Five years ago?”
“You’ve known where she was for five years?” Daltrey asks. “Why didn’t you… Lennon, I don’t understand how you could do this.” He’s staring at me like he doesn’t know me.
“It felt like I was betraying Dad, by looking for her. And I was… I was scared.”
“I don’t get why you keep saying that,” Reed practically growls. “What in the hell was so scary, Lennon?”
“I didn’t know until I saw her.” I rub my temples. My head is throbbing now. “Because I couldn’t remember.”
“Remember what?” Reed has had enough of this. His voice is shrill, his eyes wide and desperate. I think he’s about to lose it.
“She was a drug addict,” I say softly. I want to look at Dad, want to see if his reaction tells me I’m right. But I can’t take my eyes away from my brothers. “And she used to take me with her when she went to score.”
No one says a word. My dad is staring at me in horror, the others in disbelief. To my surprise, Dad is the one who speaks first. “She did that more than once?”
“You knew about this?” Cash yells, turning to him. Reed and Daltrey seem to be beyond words. They look back and forth between me and Dad, openmouthed and silent.
“I knew… I knew of one time,” Dad says. “She didn’t tell me there were others.” He turns back to me. “What do you remember?”
“There was a house. It was dirty inside, really run-down. She would leave me on the couch while she talked to a man in the kitchen. Sometimes he would yell, and it scared me.”
“Fuck,” Cash says. “This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Our mother? She didn’t do drugs.”
“Yes, she did,” Dad says. “God, Lennon. I had no idea she was… I’m so sorry. Is that… all you remember?”
I shake my head. “We normally would go home right after. But sometimes she would… she would take something there. And I’d have to wait on the couch until she was ready to go.”
“Hang on,” Daltrey finally says. “She did drugs in front of you? What the hell? Why would she do that?” He turns to Dad. “Why would she take Lennon? That makes no sense.”
He looks so old when he turns to Daltrey. “She was very sick, Daltrey. Not much of what she did makes a lot of sense to a rational person. She told me…” He swallows a few times. “She told me it made her feel less like she was abandoning her kids, to take Lennon with her. Like she was still taking care of someone.” His voice catches. “And the two of them always had a special relationship.”
My throat hurts when I speak again. “I remember her giving me cookies, cheering me up when the other boys were too wild, when my feelings were hurt. She said I was more sensitive. That I was special.”
“I can’t believe this,” Daltrey says, shaking his head in disbelief. “This is crazy.”
“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell us this,” Cash says. “Why don’t we remember anything? You’d think we’d have memories of her being on drugs.”
“You were very young,” my dad says. “And she was very good at hiding it.”
“So how did you find out?”
My dad turns from Cash to me. “Lennon…”
“One time she took me to that house and I cried. I told her I was scared and I didn’t want to go inside. So she said I could wait in the car. And then…”
My dad sounds heartbroken. “Oh, Lennon.”
“Di
d she fall asleep?” I ask him. “Is that why she took so long?”
He nods.
“How long was it?”
“She wasn’t sure. An hour. Maybe more.”
I nod. I had been too little to tell time, too little to judge how long it had been. All I knew was that I was hot and scared and she didn’t come back.
“An hour of what?” Cash asks, his voice panicky. “What are you talking about?”
“She left him in the car,” Dad says, his voice shaking. “In California. In the summer.”
“Oh my God,” Daltrey says.
“A neighbor from a few houses down found him,” Dad says. “Passed out on the grass.”
“I tried to wait, like she said, but I got so hot,” I say. “I was old enough to get the door open, but I didn’t know what house she was in.”
“The neighbor called the police,” Dad says. “They brought you to the hospital. You were dehydrated and…” His voice breaks. “It could have been so much worse. If there had been child locks.”
“Did you know, before that?” I ask. “That she was doing drugs?”
He shakes his head. “When we were younger, but she stopped before Reed came. She always drank too much. She smoked pot sometimes but only at night. I had no idea that she was…” He comes out of his chair and crosses to me, kneeling in front of me. His eyes are desperate. “You have to believe that if I had any clue that she was doing that in front of you, that she had taken you there… Lennon I never would have allowed it. You know that, don’t you?”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I whisper.
“The doctors said it was best not to.” Guilt laces his voice. “They said it was better to let you remember on your own, if you ever did. I had you in therapy for a year after she left, and you never said a word about it. We all thought you must not have remembered or even realized that anything bad had happened to you.”
“I’ve felt so guilty for so long,” I say, my throat closing up. “I never knew why. But whenever I thought about her, or whenever the boys were sad… I blamed myself. I think I thought if I hadn’t gotten out of the car, she never would have had to leave.”
Rescue (Ransom Book 5) Page 24