He turned to look at the little girl with the huge dog, prancing in the shallows, running ahead of the waves. The bleakness in his eyes revealed his own unhappiness, yet untended.
"When you marry, have your children," Jessica said softly, his pain a throb in her throat. "You'll find by loving your family you heal some of your own hurts."
Where had that come from? Surprise prompted Jessica to close her mouth. Maybe she ought to apply for Abby Landers' job. Karl looked out at the water. Jessica stole a glance at his face. Her last remark hadn't even made a dent in the hard wall of his memories.
"Karl...." she had to apologize for preaching.
"Jessica," he wasn't aware he'd interrupted her. "I don't know if I will ever marry. Deep down inside is this fear there's too much of my father in me. I've never been able to really care for a woman enough to warrant marriage. I've had so many women friends. I've cared about them. I've never loved them."
He stated it coolly as if he'd already planned his life around the thought. Stunned Jessica lifted a handful of sand, watched it dribble through her fingers. Convincing Karl he was excellent family material wouldn't be easy. But someone had to do it.
Not someone. Her. This was a challenge she couldn't turn her back on.
Karl was a wonderful human being. The fact that no one had ever awakened that part of him to do with real caring didn't mean the part was missing.
She'd have to be careful though. Karl hadn't been aware he was telling her anything about himself. Only concern over his sister and Molly had prompted the confidence. If she went about this clumsily she felt Karl would withdraw completely. And that couldn't be.
"Uncle Karl, Jessica, aren't you coming in?" Molly rushed up impatiently. "The water's really warm."
"Be right there." As his niece ran off again, Karl stood up, slipped out of his shorts and took his shirt off. His red swimming trunks accentuated his lithe physique perfectly.
He held a hand out to Jessica. She put her hand in his, wondering what he was going to think of her misty purple bathing suit. The tug on her hand brought her up to within an inch of his bare chest. Jessica stepped back quickly. There was a great deal of Karl Wagner and there wasn't much of her. Covered or uncovered. Someone hadn't been fair distributing physical attributes.
They walked to the water's edge hand in hand. Jessica was conscious of the thump of her heart over the swish of the waves, the screams of some voluptuous bikini clad volleyball players close by, the tangy smell of the ocean. Jessica jumped as the first wave garlanded her feet with an icy offering.
"Ooh!"
Karl's hand tightened around hers. The grin he gave her made her heart exchange wild thumping for mad cartwheels. This was the Karl she wanted to see. Carefree, happy, lighthearted.
"You'll get used to it," he promised as he tugged her further in.
It wasn't till a wave caught her chest high that Jessica realized something. Karl was paying no more attention to the scantily clad volleyball players than Arthur was. The young women had the kind of bodies that men came to the beach to ogle but his whole attention was on her and Molly as if no one else was around. Thinking of the dates who had brought her to the beach and then spent the entire time scanning the area like hungry wolves, Jessica wanted to throw her arms around Karl and kiss him for being so special.
He hadn't commented on her suit, but Molly had.
"I like you in that color Jessica," she'd yelled when they had joined her.
"Th... Thanks." Jessica's stammer had betrayed her shyness. Aware that Karl's intent gaze was fixed on her made her tingle from head to toe.
"Uncle Karl, don't you like Jessica's bathing suit?" Molly asked mock innocently. "Remember what you said last year when we came to California on vacation and you brought us to the beach? That you didn't know if beach wear these days was meant to cover anything or merely to draw attention to how much was uncovered. You said there was something ugly in over exposure. Jessica's bathing suit isn't like that."
Jessica stood stock still and stared at Karl. His skin turned red as he glared at his niece.
"Were those remarks addressed to you, young lady?" he asked angrily.
Not a whit abashed Molly looked straight at him. "No. You and Daddy were talking and I heard."
"As you manage to hear everything else, you're not supposed to," he snapped.
Suddenly Jessica felt very very lighthearted. It was fun to be at the beach on such a wonderful day. She no longer felt awkward about her demure one piece bathing suit. In fact she felt very good in it. Maybe she had a fairy godmother after all.
"Look out you two!" Karl's shout made her look up in time to see the wall of water coming toward them. With a purely reflex action she huddled into his chest. The wave drenched all three of them from head to toe. Karl seemed in no hurry to let her go. Jessica wondered if she'd imagined the slight tightening of his grip.
Karl appeared to have gotten over being annoyed with Molly. "Let's see how your swimming's coming along, Molly," he told her, letting go of a wriggling Jessica slowly.
They lingered in the water till Molly complained of hunger. The picnic lunch was more than enough for all three of them. Arthur got a few tidbits as well. They repacked every bit of trash then Molly ran off to build a sandcastle with Arthur. Karl suppressed a yawn and apologized. "I'm sorry. I was up at five to take Arthur for his morning run and the ocean air always makes me sleepy."
"Why don't you take a nap?" Jessica suggested comfortably. "I'll watch Molly."
"Are you sure?" Karl hesitated, his eyes growing heavier with every passing second.
"Positive."
He stretched out on his stomach, buried his face in his hands.
Jessica let the magazine she'd been reading fall, and studied Karl's prone figure thoughtfully. The conversation they had earlier returned to haunt her. Her eyes lingered on every visible sinew of his brown body as she thought of a way to help him. It was so unfair. There was really no reason the scepter of his past should throw it's dark shadow over the present and the future. She thought of him a as a young boy, lonely and sad, and her heart spasmed with pain.
Molly's laugh carried back to Jessica. The group she'd teamed up with had abandoned the sand castle and instead were burying a patient Arthur in sand.
It didn't make sense that someone as loving and as patient as Karl should doubt his abilities to be a good parent. But these days psychologists spoke of deep traits buried in people that only emerged with their immediate families. Jessica thought of the television series she'd watched on famous people and abuse. There was the judge who abused his wife. The teacher who beat her own children. The doctor who was an alcoholic. None of those families had talked about their abuse. Loyalty, shame, and a misplaced sense of duty were powerful silencers.
A gull edged up to the picnic basket, one inquisitive eye fixed on Jessica.
Did Karl really believe he was capable of emotional abuse? That marriage would open up some dark side of him? Jessica blinked. It just wasn't possible. Not Karl. He was too sensitive to ever cause others pain. He'd proved it over and over again since they'd first met. Fierce determination surged in her to convince him of the fact.
"Have you found another dog to champion?"
Jessica jumped. Karl's head was turned sideways on his arms and he was watching her. She blushed. How long had he been awake?
"Excuse me?"
"I asked if you'd found another dog to champion?'
"No. Why do you ask?"
"You had that same do or die expression on your face as you did the day I saw you with Arthur."
Jessica slipped into her shirt, concentrated on fastening the buttons. "It's nothing," she muttered.
Karl didn't pursue the topic. Sitting up with one lithe movement he looked at his watch as Molly ran up to them and took a soft drink can out of the cooler. Jessica longed to lean toward him and brush the fine golden sand from his skin.
"Molly, five minutes more and we have to be going," Karl
said.
"Aw, Uncle Karl." She took a long sip of her drink.
"You don't want Arthur to catch cold again do you?"
"I'll be ready in five minutes," Molly said immediately. "I just have to say goodbye to my friends."
Jessica stood up and walked over to the children with Molly. She needed a few minutes away from Karl to marshal her scattered senses into some kind of order before she got into the close confines of the car with him.
A worn out Arthur and Molly fell asleep on the way home. Sand cased limbs, sun soaked bodies, and the look on their faces testified to a day filled with fun.
Jessica turned to Karl. It was time for more important things. If she waited too long she might not find the right moment. Checking over her shoulder to see if Molly really was asleep, Jessica took a deep breath.
"Summer wants to marry you when she grows up," she began.
"Who?" Karl flashed her a look of amazement.
"Summer," repeated Jessica politely. "A little girl... about so high. Her mother mentioned seventeen fillings?"
"Summer Kennedy." Realization dawned accompanied by a huge smile. "She's a real heartbreaker."
Jessica wasn't about to be deterred by a discussion about Summer. "Her mother couldn't say enough good things about you."
Karl shrugged. "Mrs. Kennedy's just grateful Summer's treatment went so well. Cavities like her little girl had can cause future complications."
Jessica wasn't prepared to discuss cavities or grateful mothers just yet either.
"Mrs. Lucas, your office manager, thinks the world of you, too."
He was beginning to tune into the fact that her conversation had a purpose.
"So does Molly," continued Jessica. "So does Arthur."
So do I. The words were barely caught back in time.
"Yes." His tone told her to hurry up and get to the point.
She had to say it now while she still could. Already Karl's tone was proving a serious deterrent.
"You can fool a grown up but you can never, ever fool a child or a dog," stated Jessica flatly. "You can buy a grown up's affection, sometimes even a child's, never an animal's."
"All right Jessica." His sigh wasn't really one. The smile in his voice came through clearly. "Let it out. What's bothering you?'
"What I'm trying to say is, I don't understand how, when you have the capacity for inspiring so much love, you can doubt your own ability to give it." She spoiled it all by ending on a quaver.
Those unreliable, idiotic, overactive tear ducts.
His brows snapped together. Jessica's heart skipped a beat. She'd charged in where angels refused to tread again.
"Traits like I mentioned, don't always show Jessica," Karl said without anger. "When we had our friends over as children, my father could have put a television parent in the shade. He would hand out candy, tell a few jokes, take us down to the ice cream parlor. Appearances were important to him. But when we were on our own it was so different. Never a word of encouragement, of love, and always that terrible coldness towards my mother. I asked her about it once. She said he'd had a terribly unhappy childhood. I couldn't understand why he was punishing her and indirectly us for it. I understand better now but I still don't accept why." He stopped at a traffic light, but didn't turn his head to look at her. "Only someone who's been there can guess at the tremendous strain unhappy parents put on their children. What if I am like my father? Molly, Arthur, little Summer, they're not really mine. I see Mrs. Lucas only for a few hours each day. It's easy to be kind to other people's kids, to men and women you see for a while. The real test is to be kind to those closest to you."
"You are kind," Jessica protested as they stopped at a traffic light.
Karl didn't seem to hear. "Doesn't everyone put on a different cloak when they go to work? Assume a different personality from their normal ones? Well, I've never taken that cloak off with anyone...I'm terrified to. I can't risk waiting till I marry to discover I'm a clone of my father. I can't risk history repeating itself."
The lights changed and Karl accelerated. Jessica kept quiet. She could see he was really upset. It didn't show in his face or his voice, but the hands that clutched the steering wheel had white knuckles. Arguing the point any more right now might turn off the friendliness completely. She couldn't risk that. She had to make sure the door stayed open so she could work on this chip on his shoulder again.
Chip? It was a rock really. It made the one in Gibraltar seem insignificant .
It wasn't till late that night that Jessica remembered she hadn't thanked Karl for the flowers he'd sent her on Valentine's Day yet. Maybe she ought to simply send him a thank you card.
She was floundering in something. Substance that looked like yellow Jell-O wouldn't let her get free. Every time Jessica tried to extricate herself it sucked her in deeper. She was trapped. Someone was coming towards her. She could sense the menace. He held a bell in one hand and he kept ringing it. Louder and louder.
It wasn't a bell. It was the telephone on her nightstand.
"Hello?" Drat the whole pizza she'd devoured. It always gave her nightmares. She could never resist it though.
"Jessica, Andy's just been taken to the hospital." Karl's clipped tones made her jump out of bed. "Molly's hysterical. Jim called me a minute ago from the hospital. Their neighbors are with Molly but Jim isn't sure if they can handle her. Will you come with me?"
Two a.m. Poor Andy and Jim. Please don't let them lose the baby. Poor Molly. The intelligent ones always saw more, suffered more.
"I'm on my way." She'd already slid into a pair of jeans. Finding a shirt, washing her face and brushing her teeth would take three minutes. In their large family, getting ready in record time had become an acquired skill.
"Thanks Jessica."
It was Thursday. Four days since she'd gone to the beach with him and Molly. Four long, empty days.
Jessica's hands tightened on the wheel. This wasn't the time to be thinking of the way she felt.
The garage door went up silently and Karl pulled the Audi out, as she parked her car in front of his house. Jessica locked her car and got into Karl's. The leather felt cool at her back.
"Jessica, thanks for coming so quickly." He was already reversing, his attention on the road behind him.
"Hello Karl."
He didn't say anything more just picked up her hand and squeezed it. Jessica felt a lump the size of the Rose Bowl well up in her throat. Trite words of consolation would almost be an insult. They wouldn't express her understanding of the deep fear in Karl's heart. She stayed silent.
Nothing's going to happen to Andy or the baby, Jessica told herself fiercely. She pictured a woman who was an older version of Molly, holding a baby, smiling happily, her family bunched around her. That's how it had to be.
Please, let it be like that.
Vibrations of fear and helplessness snaked out from Karl to her. He was afraid he'd lose his sister. He was afraid Andy would lose the baby. He was afraid, period.
"I can stay with Molly, and you could go to the hospital and be with Jim." Being there would make the waiting easier for Karl.
For the first time that night she had his total attention. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." Being on the spot would alleviate some of his tension. Besides she was sure Andy's husband could do with some company right now.
Karl pulled up in front of the apartment building. "I'll introduce you to the Macauleys first, and see how Molly is. Jim said Andy's anxious about her."
Molly flung herself on her uncle as soon as he unlocked the door, raised a blotchy red face to ask, "Is my Mommy alright?"
Karl made no effort to hide the tears in his own eyes. "I hope so, sweetheart." The hand that caressed his niece's blonde head trembled slightly. "I certainly hope so." Picking up Molly he held her close, as much as for his own sake as for hers.
And this was the man who said he never took his outer cloak off with anyone? He might not be aware of it but it was off now
. Jessica looked away blinking rapidly. The naked stamp of pain and fear on Karl's face was almost her undoing. This was no time for tears. She had to be strong for them.
"Tina and Brian, this is Jessica Woods, a friend of mine. Jessica, meet Tina and Brian Macauley. They're Andy and Jim's neighbors and good friends." He set Molly down but held her hand. "Jessica will stay with Molly now. Thanks for being here."
The young couple nodded and stood up, their faces lined with worry. "We're glad we could help. Our number's by the telephone. Let us know as soon as there's news. If there's anything else we can do...."
"Thanks. We'll be sure and let you know." Karl saw them to the door, closed it behind them.
He turned to see Jessica on the couch. Molly sat on her lap, sobbing into her shoulder. Jessica didn't say a word, just sat there rubbing Molly's back, her own mouth aquiver with emotion. Though she wasn't much bigger than Molly physically, she was all woman as she consoled the frightened child.
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