Justin steps out of the Crossover and waves. “What happened to the truck?” Dad calls over the hum of the mower
Justin’s face turns sour. “It wouldn’t start,” he shouts back.
I cross in front of the SUV and pull open the passenger door. I don’t want to give Justin the opportunity to open it for me. I have to focus—this isn’t a date. Justin looks temporarily bewildered as I leave him standing alone in the driveway. He collects himself and climbs into his seat, waving goodbye to Dad.
“What’s the rush, Lady?” he asks. I love it when he calls me Lady.
“I thought you were hungry?” I lie.
“Oh,” he looks down at his stomach like Eric does when it growls “That I am.” He pushes the SUV’s power button and it softly hums alive. Justin sighs, “It just isn’t the same without the sputtering or churning. Not as rugged, you know?”
“Right. Rugged is good. A quiet, purring engine is bad.”
“Precisely.” His laugh rolls as he pulls his fingers through his gorgeous dark hair. That’s it. My heart unhinges itself from my control. I’ve tipped over the top hill of a rollercoaster and there is no end.
I can’t live without hearing that chuckle for the rest of my life.
This is going to be a painful night.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
My stomach ties into hundreds of knots as we approach Jennifer and her friends. I can’t blame myself for being nervous. My history with social events is crap. But I’m not going to let Marissa and Zach ruin me. As much as it sucks, socialization is part of life. I have to learn how to do it, awkward or not. Of course, Justin senses my distress. Before we walk over the hill to the grill area, he places his hand on my back. “Don’t worry about it. These people are cool.”
Jennifer runs up the hill to greet us. She smiles at me and eyes Justin’s hand still resting on my back. I shift, knowing exactly what she’s thinking. I hope she can’t tell how badly I want it to be true.
“Hey, Jen. Is the food ready?”
“On the table.”
Justin runs down the hill toward the picnic table before she finishes the sentence.
Jennifer laughs. “He has an appetite of a thousand men. My dad’s happy he doesn’t have to feed him anymore.” She grabs my hand. “Come on. You should grab something before he eats it. Seriously.”
***
Justin introduces me to some guys from the basketball team. I recognize Jennifer’s friends, Allison and Tiffany. They seem pretty impartial to my existence. I like it that way.
Jennifer makes me grab a hot dog before she leads me over to another group playing ultimate Frisbee. I inhale the hot dog as a tall, green-eyed brunette steps out from the game to greet us.
Jennifer blushes as she approaches. “Lucy, meet Trish.”
I rub the crumbs from the hot dog against my legs. “Hey, it’s great to meet you.”
“Thanks. You too. Jennifer’s said some awesome things about you.” Trish catches my eye, letting me know that she knows I know, or something like that. She nods toward the group playing Frisbee. “My friends haven’t quite clicked yet with Jennifer’s.” I turn around, catching Allison and Tiffany eyeing them.
I laugh. “Maybe it’s the other way around?”
“Oh trust me. It’s definitely the other way around,” Jennifer adds. “Allison and Tiffany take some time to warm up. They’re okay though. You’ll see.”
“Do you want to play with us?” Trish offers.
Allison and Tiffany whisper to one another. The knots in my stomach tighten. I eye the ultimate Frisbee group. No expectations there. It seems like the safer bet. “Yeah, that’d be great.”
I am horrible with the Frisbee. Trish tries to give me pointers but it never helps. Justin’s presence, even across the lawn, is way too much of a distraction for me. My heart aches with each laugh and smile. And then it starts to burn when his attention is directed at Allison.
Allison has somehow separated Justin from the rest of the group. They are sitting on the ground and Allison is throwing grass in his face. She flips her hair and I can pick out the dimples in his cheeks. Every time he laughs is a knife through my heart. He leans in close to her and whispers something in her ear. She giggles.
I bite my lower lip. My heart has been thrown into an inferno.
I excuse myself from the game, claiming I’ve left my phone in Justin’s car. I need a moment to recover. As I walk over the hill and back to the car, my head spins.
I close my eyes and lean against the Crossover.
My heart is breaking and it sucks.
I breathe deeply, praying for the pain to subside.
I have to get through this.
I knew this day would come. Justin was bound to find another girl after Jennifer.
He can’t just stay single forever.
We’re just friends. He’s made that clear. I have no claim on him in any way.
I press my hand harder against my heart. I reason with it. Allison is making Justin happy. Don’t I want him to be happy? He’s my friend after all.
The burning eases a bit. That’s the key. Justin’s happiness. I really just want Justin to be happy. I can mourn the loss of a relationship I never had later. Tonight, I will just be happy for Justin.
I open my eyes and sigh. Why did love have to be so confusing?
I walk back up the hill. Midway up, a mother plays with her baby girl on a blanket. She blows into her tummy and the baby’s legs thrash wildly. I lean against a tree and continue to trespass on their mother-daughter moment. They are absolutely enchanted with one another. It’s beautiful. Such simple and pure love.
I wish Mom could have done that with me.
I jump when I realize Justin stands at my side.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Nothing. I thought I forgot my cell phone in your car.” My voice is lifeless.
“Yeah, that’s what Jennifer said.” He jingles his car keys. “I figured you needed these.”
“Thanks, but I looked through the window and I didn’t see it. Maybe I left it in my purse.”
Justin nods up the hill, “Which is back at the picnic table.”
“Right.”
Justin looks at the mother and daughter. “Weird.”
“Really? I think it’s awesome.” I study them, trying to figure out what’s so weird. The mother is now rocking the baby and singing her songs. They’re perfect.
“No, not them. You.”
“Oh?” I take a step back from him. “What?”
“Well, don’t get mad, but I was watching you before I came down. You were looking at them like you were jealous or something.”
I bite my lower lip. I can’t lie to Justin. My heart is too raw to try.
“I guess that’s because I am.” I sigh and lean back against a tree. The baby is reaching up and pulling the mother’s hair.
“Why?”
“Well, my mom couldn’t do that stuff with me when I was little.”
“Oh?”
“She had undiagnosed postpartum depression,” I explain. “She couldn’t be that way with me.” Justin doesn’t say anything so I continue. “She sunk into a terrible, clinical depression, for years. She never rocked me to sleep or played patty cake. She’d just lie in the living room on the couch.”
“Wow, that must have been hard,” Justin says. “She isn’t that way now though.”
“No, she’s better now. Once they figured out what was wrong she was able to find treatment. A pairing of medication, exercise, and gardening became her therapy. By the time Eric was born, she was better.” I nod back toward the mother and daughter. “I used to watch her play with Eric that way.” I sigh. “I used to hate her for it. But now I’m glad she was able to love a child like that.”
Justin shortens the distance between us. “Lucy.”
I tremble as he comes closer. “Do you really think she didn’t love you?”
“Well, maybe somewhere inside of me, I don’t know, I g
uess—yeah?”
Justin places his arm around my shoulder in a sideways hug. My body melts into it. “One thing about your mother that is very obvious is that she loves you more than the world itself. The way she looks at you,” he nods toward the mother gazing into the daughter’s eyes. “It’s just like that. Trust me.” He holds me a moment longer before letting go.
“I don’t know why.” I try to sound casual. “I’ve made her life horrible this past year.”
“I can’t say I haven’t noticed tension. But lately?”
“It’s getting better.” I shrug. “We’ve been working on it.”
I start walking back up the hill. Justin follows. “You know that is pretty incredible.”
“What is?”
“You being so mature. You’re already striving to repair your relationship with your mom. Most people don’t do that until their mid-thirties, if ever.”
“I got sick of acting like everyone thinks a sixteen-year-old should.” I force a laugh. “It was way too much work to live up to those shallow standards.”
“Only a kind and good person would find that difficult.”
“Oh trust me, more like evil.” I try to smile mischievously.
He laughs. “I highly doubt that.” He nods down at Jennifer, “She wouldn’t have told you about her and Trish if you were. Jen’s got a sixth sense about people. If Jen approves of you, you’re definitely awesome.” His gaze moves from Jennifer to Allison. “That’s why I’m thinking of asking Allison out on a date. Get to know her, she seems really smart and fun.”
My heart starts to bleed.
Justin continues. “She must be a good person if she’s Jen’s friend, right?”
“Hmmm,” I force enthusiasm into my voice. “What does Jen think?”
He sighs. “She actually refuses to tell me. She doesn’t want to get caught in the middle. Wise but crappy. What do you think?”
“Well.” I navigate my words carefully. “Do whatever makes you happy.”
He smiles and nudges me, recognizing that same advice he gave me at the beach. “Come on, really, what do you think about Allison?”
“She seems cool. There’s no harm in going on a date or two.” I want to punch myself for saying it. But, it’s true. As Justin’s friend, I’m going to support him even if that means my heart breaking into a million pieces along the way.
Justin takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m going to do it.”
“Now?”
“Yup. Unless you can think of a reason for me not to?”
“Can you?”
“Nope.” He takes a deep breath. “Here goes nothing.” He turns away from me and waves to Allison. She waves back. He motions for her to join him on the hill. I sidestep away from Justin. I won’t survive if I have to watch this.
“Well, I’ll leave you two alone then.” I nod back toward the Frisbee game. “They’re getting killed down there. I better get back.”
“Right.” Justin rubs his stubble. He looks nervous. Does he really think there is a chance she’ll say no?
I return to the Frisbee game. I pretend nothing has happened. Jen is watching Justin and Allison talk at the top of the hill. When they disappear to the other side, she smiles at me. I smile back at her. This isn’t a big deal.
My heart is fine. It’s just shattered, bleeding, raw.
No big deal.
The rest of the evening passes like I’ve drunk three espressos. Adrenaline carries me through. I play some Frisbee, make small talk, and listen to Tiffany go on and on about how perfect Allison and Justin are for one another.
As night comes, everyone starts packing stuff up and heading home. Justin and Allison still haven’t returned from the other side of the hill. I won’t allow myself to imagine where they are and what they’re doing. I can’t go there.
Eventually, only Jennifer, Trish, and I remain. Jennifer keeps looking up the hill, waiting.
“This is ridiculous,” she says. “Where are they?”
“Don’t worry. I’m sure they are just walking or something,” Trish offers.
“But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”
Trish lets out a sweet laugh. “I know he’s one of your best friends, Jen. But you’ve got to let him live.”
“Not like this.” Jen grumbles. She pulls out her phone. Justin still hasn’t responded to her texts. She sits across the picnic table and reaches her hand out to mine. “We can give you a ride home, Lucy. You shouldn’t have to wait for him like this.” Her eyes search mine.
She knows.
I watch Trish pull a strand of hair out of Jennifer’s eyes. If Jennifer can trust me with her secret, I can definitely trust her with mine.
I squeeze her hand back.
“Yeah. This really sucks.” My eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry.” I wipe them away.
“How long?” Jennifer asks.
“I honestly have no idea. I mean, he seriously used to irritate me to death. I dreaded talking to him. He drove me crazy. But now …”
“You’re in love with him,” Jennifer states.
I am in love with him. Totally gone, crazy in love with him.
But I can’t have him.
“You need to tell him, Lucy.”
I shake my head. “I can’t now.”
“Sure you can.” Jennifer pats my hand.
“No really, I can’t. He’s happy hanging out with Allison tonight. I’m not going to disrupt that. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll still be here.”
“Waiting.”
I sigh. “Yes, waiting.”
“But what if it does work?” Trish asks.
“Then I’ll be happy for him. If it works that well, we weren’t meant to be.”
“Wow. You really do love him,” Jennifer whispers.
I nod. Tears roll down my cheeks. I’m thankful for the darkness. An absurd laugh follows. Losing it.
Trish stands and extends her hand to me. “Let’s get you home before you go insane, babe.”
Jennifer puts her arm through mine and walks with me up the hill. Trish carries the cooler behind. Jennifer leans toward me. “I think you should tell him. You can’t live like this forever. It’ll destroy you.”
“But what if he doesn’t love me back?”
“Well,” she sighs. “If he doesn’t, he’s an idiot. But at least then you’ll know. You won’t spend your life waiting for him, for a relationship that will never happen. You’d be able to move on.”
Moving on sounds nice. It’s better than this extreme pain.
I crawl into the backseat of Trish’s car. Jennifer slides in next to me. Trish puts on some classical music as we pull out of the lot. We drive down the frontage road when Jennifer asks Trish to pull over.
“Justin,” Jennifer yells out the window. Two outlines, one tall and the other petite, walk hand-in-hand toward us. The light from the headlights bounces off Justin’s white shirt. Justin waves and starts jogging over to the car. Allison follows.
I grasp Jennifer’s arm and squeeze. Justin can’t see me like this. Jennifer shoves me down onto the seat. “You’re asleep,” she whispers. I close my eyes and she throws her jacket over me. I concentrate on faking long, steady breaths.
“What’s up?” Justin’s low voice hangs above me. I breathe in and out.
“Lucy’s sleeping,” Jennifer whispers. “We’re taking her home.”
“Oh,” Justin whispers back. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”
“Yup,” Jennifer says shortly. “Everyone else has left. Allison, Tiffany grabbed a ride home with Cole. She left you her car.” She dangles a pair of keys out the window. Great, at least Justin won’t be driving her home. “Cool?”
“Sure,” Allison says with clear disappointment in her voice.
“Jen, can you tell Lucy I’ll call her tomorrow? I need her to come with me to the Hill House again.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Yup. I need her help to finish my proposal.”
“Sure,
I’ll let her know.”
“Thanks, Jen. You’re the best,” Allison says as she clears her throat possessively.
“Whatever. Later,” Jennifer snaps back. The car creeps forward.
“Wait, Jen.” Justin’s feet patter against the pavement. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Just leave her alone, Justin. She’s just jealous.” I swear Allison hisses.
Trish sucks in a loud lungful of air. I can feel Jennifer glaring at both Justin and Allison. I want to open my eyes and see exactly what is going on but I don’t dare. Justin would want to talk to me then.
“Jen,” Justin says apologetically. “I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Fine,” Jennifer says as evenly as she can. “Have a good night.” The car picks up momentum. Jennifer shakes my side. “He’s such an idiot. What does he see in her?”
I sit up. “He said that if she’s your friend, she must be worth knowing.”
“But, not like that. We’re friends only because we’ve known each other so long.” She sighs, “Our relationship is complicated. Allison has always been there for me but she’s also in unspoken competition with me. It’s really sick. She just wants to use him. She thinks he’ll help her become Homecoming Queen. I couldn’t care less about that plastic tiara.”
Jennifer continues, “You need to tell him how you feel, Lucy. Even if he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings, he’ll know what you feel is real. Allison is all fake.”
I shake my head. I could never risk our friendship.
“Lucy, you’ll save him from being used. He deserves better than that.”
Her words hit me hard. The thought of Allison viewing Justin that way is disgusting. Justin is so much more than a ticket to a crown. His view of relationships and love is perfect and pure. I can’t let her destroy that.
“Fine, I’ll tell him.” I kick the seat in front of me. “This really sucks. I spent the whole summer figuring out who I am and now I’m going to end up a broken hot mess again.”
“You don’t know that,” Trish offers from the front seat.
I think of Justin’s reaction that morning when he thought I was about to tell him I liked him. “Oh, trust me. I do.”
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