by Lexi Whitlow
Guilt started to bubble in my stomach while we rode in his truck to the doctor’s office. Today would be the day that they would tell me whether I could travel or not, and I knew Axel knew that. I was due back in Paris at the end of next week, and I knew there were still many unanswered questions between Axel and me. My heart fluttered whenever his lips touched my skin and every time we woke up next to one another I couldn’t help the smile that peeled across my face. And now I was going to have to leave him again halfway around the world while I went off and pursued my dreams.
He deserved better than that, but the least he deserved was answers.
“Axel, do you think-”
“We’re about ten minutes out from the doctor,” he said lowly. He gave me no smile and no indication that he was ready for what the doctor had to say today, and that told me everything I needed to know.
He knew what was coming, and he still had no answers for the last time I’d left him.
Well, the time before last time.
Fuck, I was a terrible person.
“Axel, maybe we could go get some food after and-”
“Let’s just see what the doctor says first, alright? There’s been a bit more… jostling… this week, and I want to make sure you’re alright.”
He reached over and grabbed my hand, and I felt my heart rate begin to speed up. He traced comforting circles around the top of my skin, and part of me wanted to pull this truck over and crawl into his lap. I wasn’t ready to talk about this, but I knew we had to, and now I got the feeling that Axel wanted to avoid it at all costs.
My stomach lurched with guilt, and I felt myself growing nauseous, and when we pulled into the doctor’s office, I had to lean against the truck door to steady myself.
“You alright?” he asked lowly.
“Just fine,” I sighed.
We walked hand in hand into the doctor’s office, and I was seen immediately. I reluctantly let go of Axel’s hand and went back into the office by myself, and a few tests were performed before they took a bit of blood. I had lights shined in my eyes, and I had my ears looked at. I followed fingers and got my reflexes checked, and when the doctor was finally done, she stood back and smiled.
“You’re healing beautifully, and we got your tests back that you did at the hospital a couple of days ago.”
“Oh? Well, what do they look like? How’s all the swelling?” I asked.
“Nonexistent. Your brain looks like it’s finally healed, and you’ll be just fine to travel next week.”
“Oh.”
The memories of Axel began to rush through my head. Memories of him holding me so close his touch woke me up and mornings where I woke up and he was smiling at me. Memories of him bringing me breakfast in bed and huddling down into the covers while we watched television together. I remember a few days ago I heard a commotion out with the animals, so I wrapped a blanket around my naked body and made way for the window. I watched Axel mount one of his horses bareback and go after a bull that was terrorizing a small calf that had been born while I had been here, and I saw a glimpse of the man who lived for the thrill when he was chasing after that bull. I watched him bring out a whip and a rope and physically drag the bull away from the calf, and when he finally had the bull controlled, I watched him hop off that horse and scoop the little calf up in his arms.
I knew I was in a hell of a lot of trouble when I thought, in that very moment, that he looked so good with small animal in his arms, and I bet that he would look even better with a small child in them.
The doctor patted my shoulder before she wrote down some things on her pad, and then she left. She walked out of the room and left the door slightly opened, and I knew that Axel would come bursting in after a few seconds. My heart beamed at the protective role Axel had adopted when it came to taking care of me, but I felt tears spring to my eyes when I realized I’d have to tell him.
I’d have to tell him I was cleared to travel, and that I’d be leaving again.
I thought about all the memories I hadn’t created with him because I was in Paris. Rodeos I never watched him ride in and nights where I was never there for dinner. Vacations where we lounged around on the beach and hospital trips he took with his dad where he could’ve used the support. I can only imagine that he’d been the rock of his family whenever his father’s health declined for the worst, but even those who are rock solid had a foundation to stand on.
I wondered who his foundation was and if he sunk himself into different women to forget. I wondered if he stayed away from women like I stayed away from men and if my presence penetrated his life like he still did mine. I had no right to claim him… no right to ask anything of him other than to forgive me.
And part of me felt I didn’t even have the right to ask him that.
I owed him answers and I needed to be ready to give him those answers. I needed to brace for his anger and be prepared for the fact that he might throw me out. He might get so angry and feel so betrayed that my shit’ll be out on his front lawn by the time I get him calmed down long enough to talk. I’d made assumptions about him back in college whenever I’d left my life behind to go to Paris, and I knew exactly how Axel felt about people assuming things about him.
I had to stop being so fucking scared and just talk with him.
He had questions, I had answers he deserved, and it was my turn to take care of him. It was my turn to give him what he needed, even if it meant possibly destroying the greatest thing I’d ever built since I’d left for Paris after graduation.
But really, me going back to work at the end of next week would destroy that anyway. I was walking into a massive amount of work that had to be done on my end, and I probably wouldn't come back until next summer to visit my family.
Axel deserved better than a string of summer romances with one used up woman.
“Knock knock.”
Axel slowly stepped through the door, and he had a massive smile on his face.
“The doctor told me you were doing well,” he nodded.
“Yeah,” I breathed. “Yeah, she uh… she says everything seems to be healing just fine.”
“How’s the swelling?” he asked.
“Looks to be almost gone.”
“Good! That’s good. Any more restrictions?”
There it was. The question that would lead to all sorts of other questions. I’d tell him there were no restrictions and it would dawn on him that it meant I could go back to work, and then he’d wanna know what I did for work. That’s when I’d tell him I worked for a prominent fashion designer in Paris, and that would make him curious. He’d ask how long I’d been working in Paris, and I’d tell him five years, and he’d do the math, and then it would happen.
All the questions he had for me would come pouring out at once.
I’d never been so thankful for a doctor interrupting me in all my life.
“Alright! We need you to try and pee in this cup again, and then you can head on out. I’ll see you in a week!” she smiled.
“What a mood killer,” Axel smirked.
“What mood? There was no mood,” I giggled.
“There’s always a mood when I’m with you,” Axel said lowly.
“I could walk around in your mother’s moo moo, and it would make you horny.”
“Because it isn’t the clothing that turns me on,” Axel lulled.
His voice made my skin hot, and I grabbed the cup and made my way to the bathroom before I dug myself a deeper hole. I had to talk to him. I had to tell him everything. I had to tell him the doctor cleared me for travel and that I had to go back to Paris and that Paris was where I’d been for the past few years and that I didn’t think he would want to go with me and I figured he’d ask me to stay. I had to tell him he couldn't know because if he’d asked me to stay, I would’ve.
For him.
For us.
“How about we go get us some dinner at the house, and I find you one of those moo moos you speak so highly of?” Axel
asked cheekily through the bathroom door.
I washed my hands and whipped the door open only to punch him in his arm.
“You really are a piece of work,” I laughed.
“Want me to put that cup at the nurse’s station?” Axel asked.
“You’re not putting my pee cup anywhere, Axel. I’m healing. I can get some things on my own.”
I took the cup over to the nurse’s station, and she nodded at me with a smile on her face. We both made our way towards the exit, and when we stepped out into the harsh sunlight of an Oklahoma summer, I felt Axel slip his hand around my waist.
“How are ya feelin’?” he asked lowly in my ear.
And I lied to him when I told him I felt fine.
Axel
Axel - Chapter Fifteen
I saw that Julie’s smile in the doctor’s office didn’t quite reach her eyes, and I talked with the doctor while Julie was in the bathroom. The doctor told me that she was healing well and that her tests were coming back with good results, and I knew that meant one particular thing: that Julie would be going back to work soon, and she would be leaving once again.
I wasn’t under any stupid impression of her staying. I knew she’d get better and I knew she’d go back to wherever it was she now resided and worked doodling whatever fashions she was doodling. I found her sketchpad one day while she was passed out from her medications, and the ideas she had in mind were actually pretty awesome. They wouldn’t be anything you’d see in a small town like this, but they were really beautiful.
I hoped she was working with someone who valued her ideas and not someone who just bullied her around and made her get them coffee.
The entire truck ride home I felt her pulling away. Her grip on my hand wasn’t as tight, and her head was constantly turned out to look at the passing scenery. I tried to jump start a bit of conversation, but all she gave me was one-word answers and a few grunts. I wanted to know what was on her mind because I wanted to help. I wanted to tell her that I was under no impression that she was sticking around, but I did also tell her that I wanted to keep in touch. I wanted to be able to call and her email so we could exchange them regularly. I wanted to know her mailing address so I could send her things on her birthday and for the holidays, and I wanted to ask her if there was any way we could… I don’t know… video each other or something. I saw people do it in town all the time on their phones and laptops, and I wanted to tell her I could get a phone or laptop that had that capability.
I wanted to tell her that I supported whatever career she wanted, even if we did the long-distance thing for a while. She had to know that I would try and make this work. Somehow.
We got back to my house, and she pushed quickly out of the truck and made her way to the house. I stumbled out and jogged after her, but when she realized the house was locked, I reached over her shoulder and unlocked the door for her. I pushed it open, and she strode in, and just before she made her way to the stairs, I grabbed her arm and turned her around.
“Julie.”
“Yes?” she asked lightly.
“Don’t play coy with me. What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing. Just… not feeling well.”
“The doctor said you were doing fine. Did you eat something bad?” I asked.
“No. Just tired, I guess,” she sighed.
“Well, gimme a second, and I’ll come slide in beside ya,” I nodded.
“No no no. That’s fine. You just, do your thing. It’ll be a short nap.”
There it was. She was pulling away. Everything we had started between one another was slowly fading away, and she thought I was an idiot. I’d ridden this roller coaster with her on many occasions, and a small spark of angry wafted within the pit of my gut.
“Julie,” I said.
“Yes, Axel,” she sighed.
“I’m not an idiot, so stop treatin’ me like one.”
Her eyes fell heavily on mine, and something akin to guilt wafted over her eyes. She felt bad that she had to go back to work, and I needed her to know that I knew that was gonna happen. I didn’t expect her to stay and lord knows I wasn’t gonna make her, but I could easily tell she wasn’t going to tell me what was going on in that head of hers. I let out a long sigh.
“I’m gonna start cooking dinner in a couple hours. I’ll come get ya when it’s ready.”
“I’m sure I’ll be up by then,” she smiled.
I watched her go up the stairs, and her grip on the banister was a bit tighter than it needed to be. I knew something was tumbling around in her mind, and I wanted to scream at her to talk to me. I went into the kitchen and felt my anger bubble up into my throat, and when I balled up my fist, I whipped around and put it through the wall beside the fridge.
“Shit!” I bit. Why the fuck was she not talking to me? For the love of god, I stuck by her when she left me twice, and I took her in, no questions asked when she almost killed herself three weeks ago! She was pulling away because she was about to leave and the only thing I was asking for was for her to talk! To give me answers! I wanted to be a part of her life, damn it!
Why the hell didn’t she want the same!?
I got to cooking dinner, and I heard footsteps patter down the hallway just as I finished what I was cooking. Beans and rice with a side of cornbread were on the menu and extra sweet tea just how I knew Julie liked it. She came in and sat down without a word, and when we started spooning food onto our plates, I finally asked the question I knew would spark the conversation.
“What’s wrong, Julie?” I said lowly.
“Nothing, Axel,” she smiled, “just still waking up.”
“Julie, you’ve been pulling away all day.”
“I’m just tired,” she sighed.
“Julie. Talk to me,” I urged. I reached over to take her hand but she wrenched away from me, and I knew that if I was gonna get the answers I wanted before she left this place and never looked back again, I had to let her come to me on her own watch.
Fuck.
“How was your nap?” I asked.
“Really nice.”
“Wanna take a bath tonight?” I asked.
“That’d be nice, thank you,” she nodded. We ate in relative silence while making mindless, asinine conversation, and pretty soon we were smiling over talking about how she watched me wrangle that bull and save that calf.
“You got any more pregnant heifers on your farm?” she asked.
“Two, actually, though neither of them are due for at least another month.”
“What do you do with the calves around here?” she asked.
“Well, I’m gonna raise the males for the rodeos, and I’m gonna keep the females for milk and breeding around the farm.”
“Your farm is incredible, Axel. It really is,” she smiled.
“Thanks. I love it. I couldn’t see myself anywhere else.”
I saw something quickly flash behind her eyes, but before I could address it, it was gone. We finished our food and Julie cleared the dishes, and I made my way to her room so I could draw her a bath. Just because she was feeling better didn’t mean I was gonna stop taking care of her, so I poured some bath salts into the hot, steaming water while I watched it fill the tub.
“Knock knock,” Julie lulled.
“Hey. Almost full, and I figured I’d go pull out a pie for us and heat it up if you’d like a slice.”
“That sounds fantastic,” she smirked.
I reared up and made my way out of the bathroom, and I felt her hand come down onto my wrist, and it stopped me in my tracks.
“You’re not gonna get in with me?” she asked lightly.
“Gotta heat up the pie,” I thumbed behind me. I twisted myself from her grasp, and for once I was glad I wouldn't be pressed against her body tonight. God knows my body pulsed for her, and the mere mention of being in another bath with her caused my dick to start growing, but if she was gonna pull away, then I needed to do the same.
I needed to disconnect
from her since I knew she was leaving this time.
“Axel,” she breathed. I turned around and saw her standing in the doorway of the bathroom, and she looked absolutely radiant. Her robe was falling off her body, and her hair was fluttering around her head, and I watched her slowly walk towards me before she took my hand within hers.
“Julie,” I murmured lowly.
I felt magnetized toward her, and before I knew it, I was crashing my lips against hers. Her hands flew to my hair and my hands sunk to her plump ass, and when I raised her up into my body, she hooked her legs around my waist. I wanted to bury myself inside her sweet pussy, and when I turned around and headed for the bed, I missed and crashed us into a wall.
Her lips were all over me: my neck, my ear, my chest. Her hands were ripped my clothes off, and I could feel my dick pulsating against her leg, and all I knew was that I wanted to take her. I wanted to feel her as much as I could before she left me again, and I was willing to risk my entire mental stability to do so.
I was in love with Julie, and I wanted to devour her every chance I got.
I reached between us and undid the buckle of my jeans, and when I pushed my pants down to my knees, my fingertips made my way between her legs. She was bare underneath her robe, and I could feel her essence slicking my fingers, and when I opened my eyes, I saw her pupils blown wide with lust.
“Take me,” she whispered lightly.
I lined myself up with her entrance and slid in without an issue. She groaned and lobbed her head back onto the wall, and I set a steady pace. She wrapped her legs around my waist and my hands planted into the wall, and her lips peppered my neck and chest with her warm, plump lips that I wanted to desperately be wrapped around my dick. I rolled my hips into hers and felt her walls fluttering around my thick cock, and when my hands traveled down her naked body, I landed right onto her erect nipples. I rolled them in between my fingers and watched her body shake for me, and I knew she was already approaching her end faster than she could process it.
“Oh, god. Axel. Jesus, right-... yes. Right there. Oh, God, please don’t stop. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.”
I slammed into her body and felt her juices dripping down my dick, and she dug her fingertips into my back and buried her face into my neck. She moaned my name while her pussy clenched around my cock, and when she finally came down from her high, I slipped out of her tight cavern and slowly carried her over to the bed.