The setting sun cast brilliant hues of pink and purple through the west-facing window of Jude’s office onto Sara’s neck and face as she shifted in her seat and released her hands from his. Outside, the leaves of maples and poplars had already completed their annual transformation into an array of vivid colors, which now blanketed the ground.
“No, I mean, yes. You’re right. We… we shouldn’t,” Sara rambled on, suddenly aware of the time. “I’m sorry. This isn’t a good idea. I shouldn’t be here now,” she continued as she hastily picked up her things and walked toward the door.
“Sara, I’m sorry,” Jude apologized. “Umm... I’ll… I guess I’ll see you at work then?”
“Yeah, see ya,” Sara hesitated before she stepped out of his office and closed the door behind her.
Feeling embarrassed about her abrupt exit and uneasy about the intimacy she shared with Jude, Sara hurried down the hallway. When she reached the elevator Sara pushed the button several times, hoping that the elevator doors would open quickly allowing her to remove herself from the situation she’d involved herself in that left her feeling guilt-ridden. Chaotic thoughts streamed through her head during the brief ride to the first floor. And the familiar feeling of heartache grew within her as she stepped out into the cool air, which quickly chilled her body while she covered the short distance to her car.
Jude peered through the window and watched as Sara entered her car and drove away. Abruptly, Jude felt very empty and alone. When Sara drove off she took with her the warmth and comfort he’d felt in her presence. The desire to be with her raged stronger now than ever and he became keenly aware that he was capable of pure and complete hypocrisy.
9. Imbibing and Mementos
“Lexi, time for school! Your bus will be here in thirty minutes!” Sara called up the stairs as she waited for her daughter to come downstairs for breakfast.
Sara walked around the house picking up toys that had been haphazardly tossed on the floor when she noticed her purse with its contents spilled about underneath the living room end table where she’d last set it down. Lexi came tromping down the stairs.
“Lexi?” she asked. “Did you get into my purse?”
Lexi looked up at Sara with her big brown eyes but did not say a word.
“Lexi?” Sara pressed further.
“Yeah,” Lexi answered in her sweetest voice, “but I was just looking for my Polly Pocket.”
“Honey, if you would like something or need to look in my purse for something, you need to ask first. Okay? Mommy’s purse is private and you shouldn’t go in there,” Sara advised.
“Okay,” Lexi said before skipping off into the kitchen to sit at the table.
Sara noticed her hospital identification badge lying on the floor amidst the mess, scooped it up with the other personals and tossed them haphazardly back into the purse.
As she fixed Lexi a quick meal of Pop-tarts and apple juice for breakfast, Sara couldn’t stop thinking of the identification badge, the hospital and what had happened with Jude after her last shift. Each boring day this week had passed uneventfully, with the exception of those frequent moments throughout the days when she’d thought of Jude, and the passionate kiss they shared.
Sometime mid-week, while Eric and Sara were nearing the end of routine love-making, she even discovered herself fantasizing about Jude, which made things more exciting for Eric and Sara, but she later felt ashamed of herself for allowing the thoughts to enter her mind while she was intimate with her husband.
Sara struggled all week with the notion that she could continue to see Jude at work and act as if nothing had happened. She was afraid of the awkwardness she might feel if she saw him. She played out scenes in her head of the two of them talking things through and agreeing that they would not continue to be friends. She thought about requesting that his father be taken off her work schedule due to a conflict of interest. But the truth was, Sara didn’t want that. She knew it was probably best to end the friendship, but she also feared that she’d never again experience the warmth and intensity of his all-consuming and satisfying embrace.
The weekend following their kiss, Sara was not on staff at the clinic when Jude brought his father in for treatment. The nurse assigned to Tom informed Jude that Sara had called in sick that day. Jude doubted that she was really sick and suspected that he was the reason for her skipping out on work. This made him regret what he had done, but he also felt an incredible void that he yearned to fill. Although he cherished their kiss, Jude convinced himself that if he had the opportunity to apologize for putting Sara in such a compromised position, things might be better for both of them, and they could move on with their lives as if they’d never reconnected.
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Three weeks went by without any contact with Sara, and Jude found himself thinking of her constantly. Even his work was affected by what had happened. He’d seen several couples for therapy during that time, many of whom sought his counsel to work through infidelity problems. He began to sympathize with the pleas of the adulterer or adulteress and rationalized behaviors that he’d normally, under better judgement, suggest against.
Jude arrived home each night to an empty house and would pour himself a glass of chilled J. Lohr Chardonnay. He rummaged through boxes in the basement that had not yet been unpacked from his move a few years ago. It was crazy, he realized, but he searched for mementos and scraps of evidence of his past with Sara. It was wonderful and sickening at the same time, but he became obsessed and could not stop. With each new find he opened Pandora’s box, dredging to the surface pleasant memories that fed his obsession. He glutted himself on them. In a fit of self-loathing and pity, Jude finished off a bottle in one evening, for not having fought over a decade ago for the woman that he loved. Jude berated himself for letting her go so easily; for not finding love again, as she had, because of his curse.
As each day passed, Jude became more obsessed with Sara and although his mind reeled at his selfish thoughts, he needed to see her again. He convinced himself that at the very least, he needed to apologize for his behavior on the day of their last meeting. Jude reasoned that he didn’t want her last memory of him to have such a bad ending. He decided he would do whatever it took to make things right.
10. The Fall
The house was quiet and still for a brief forty-five minutes in the late afternoon, a contrast to the flurry of noise and chaos that accompanied most of Sara’s days at home. After starting the dryer on its cycle, Sara retrieved a pipe lighter from a drawer in the kitchen and lit a scented candle. She tiptoed up the stairs, being careful not to wake her sleeping son, and placed the candle on the counter in the master bathroom. Sara pulled the cell phone from her pocket, placed it on the counter beside the candle and ran a hot bath. Stepping out of her black yoga pants and light blue sweatshirt, she studied her reflection in the mirror and then glanced at the clock. 2:15 pm, Sara noted. Forty-five minutes until Jake wakes up and Lexi arrives home from school.
Pumpkin spice infused the steamy air while Sara slipped into the tub. Her muscles relaxed immediately when the hot water enveloped her body. She closed her eyes. All of the tension she carried with her seemed to dissolve. In her mind Sara recounted the intimate moments from her last visit with Jude. She savored the memory of his skilled lips pressed against hers, inviting her to fall deeper in love with him. And she remembered her ungracious exit. Gently, she wept, her tears cascading into the pool of water that surrounded her. Sara had so many feelings and things she wanted to say to Jude. It was impossible to go a day without thinking of him or wanting to hear his voice, despite her efforts to forget him. Sara managed to avoid Jude at work by calling in sick the first weekend after their kiss, and the weekend after that she had already taken off work to go to Lexi’s fall concert at school.
Ordinarily, at this time of the year Sara would be readying her holiday lists of places to go, gifts to buy, cards to address and mail, treats to bake and decorations to hang. But this year she wa
s distracted, to say the least. It bothered her to no end that she could not suppress her feelings for Jude. She wondered if Jude longed for her as much as she did for him, but she wanted to put their intimate meeting behind her. Guilt crept into her mind and she contemplated telling Eric about the kiss. However, she reasoned that so long as she could move on herself, telling Eric would only hurt him. Sara wondered if the best way to move forward was to find closure with Jude by talking with him. She shifted in the tub and reached through the short distance toward the counter to pick up her cell phone. In an attempt to make their conversation as platonic as possible, Sara searched for Jude’s practice on her web browser and dialed his office number instead of texting him.
“Dr. Warner’s office. May I help you?” a woman’s voice answered the phone.
“Hello. Dr. Warner, please?”
“May I ask who’s calling?” the woman inquired.
“This is Sara Preen,” she replied.
“Are you a patient?” the woman pressed further.
“No. An old friend,” Sara answered.
“Just a moment, please.”
Sara waited for about a minute, listening to a form of flute-based meditation music while on hold until the music stopped and there was a moment of silence.
“Hello,” Jude greeted with a hint of enthusiasm in his voice.
“Hi, Jay. It’s Sara.”
Jude smiled, “I wasn’t sure I’d hear from you. I was beginning to think you’ve been avoiding me. You haven’t been at work.”
“Of course not! I was sick a couple of weeks ago,” Sara lied, “and last weekend Lexi had her fall concert so I already had the day off.”
“Oh really? How are you feeling now?” he wondered.
“Oh, I’m fine. Thanks. I just felt a bit… off,” she remarked.
“That’s good. That you’re better, I mean,” he paused. “Anyway, I’m glad you called. I wanted to talk to you but I wasn’t sure if I should call.”
“I know. I’m sorry about the way we left things at your office. And that I left so quickly.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s okay,” he stated.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” Sara inquired.
“Oh, umm… you first,” Jude suggested because he was too nervous to bring up the subject of their last visit, and hoped she might be looking to discuss the same.
“Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you in person. Are you available?”
“In person? Sure! When were you thinking?” Jude became excited at the thought of seeing Sara again.
“I have to work tomorrow until three. I’m assuming you’ll be with your Dad?” Sara suggested.
“Yeah, he’s still on the same schedule. Do you want to meet here at my office after your shift?”
“Um, sure,” Sara hesitated at the thought of visiting the same place they’d kissed a few weeks earlier but considered how awkward it might be to meet in a more public location given the topic she’d wanted to discuss and agreed, “I guess that’ll be okay.”
Coming from down the hallway, Sara heard the faint babbling of Jake awake from his nap and playing in his crib. Sigh. Break-time is over, she thought. After she said good-bye and disconnected with Jude, Sara promptly stepped out of the tub to dry off, dressed and walked toward the nursery to gather Jake from his crib.
The following morning, Sara awoke before Eric, Lexi and Jake. She quickly showered, slipped into her purple scrubs, which hung neatly in her master closet, and left the house for work.
11. Swimming
Despite the cold outside that numbed her cheeks, Sara decided to leave her Volvo in the employee lot at the hospital and walk the two blocks to Jude’s office. A dusting of snow fell during the eight hours that she was on shift, and Sara was thankful that she’d thought to grab her winter boots on her way out of the house that morning.
An artificial Christmas tree adorned with glowing white lights and blue and silver glass ornaments welcomed Sara in the lobby of the medical arts building where Jude’s office was located. Despite the fact that Thanksgiving hadn’t arrived yet, signs of Christmas seemed to appear throughout the town earlier each year. Sara walked passed the tree and took the elevator to the second floor, quickly finding herself at Jude’s office door.
“Let me take your jacket,” he offered as he ushered her into the office. “I’ve got coffee waiting for us.”
“Oh good, thank you,” Sara agreed. “It’s freezing out there.”
Sara and Jude made small talk while they sipped on mugs full of coffee and allowed the awkwardness in the room to dissolve. Sara settled into the sofa while Jude sat, leaning forward in the chair adjacent to her. The coffee warmed Sara a bit, but goose bumps still occupied her forearms. Since the hospital heaters are usually set high during the fall and winter, she’d gotten used to wearing short-sleeved shirts all of the time.
“You’re beautiful, even when you’re cold and blue in the face,” Jude remarked looking at her arms. “Hang on. I’ve got something that’ll warm you up.” He stood up and walked around an accent table to retrieve a soft, ivory-colored throw blanket that was draped over the arm of the chair beside the couch.
Jude sat beside Sara on the couch and wrapped her with the blanket. As the blanket swept around her, it created a mild gust of air. She caught a hint of his cologne, Drakaar, which made her inhale deeper and she indulged in his scent. Sara felt her body begin to thaw. She quickly lost sight of why she’d asked Jude for the meeting in the first place.
“Aaahhh,” Sara encouraged him, “that’s so much better now. Thank you.”
“That’s what I’m here for,” he flirted. “So, I’m really glad you called yesterday. I’ve been missing my friend. And I was hoping to apologize in person.”
“Apologize?”
“For… how we, um, left things the last time we saw each other,” Jude offered with some ambivalence.
“You mean, the kiss,” Sara affirmed. “Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about it.”
“Me too,” he agreed.
“In fact, I can’t stop thinking about it,” Sara admitted.
He nodded, as if to say he felt the same way she did.
“So here’s the thing; I know in my mind that we shouldn’t have kissed. And I have a lot of guilt over it. But the truth is, I can’t deny what I felt.” Sara hesitated, hoping for further confirmation from him, and then asked timidly, “You felt it too, didn’t you?”
He smiled softly in agreement, “Yeah.”
Sara was happy to hear that Jude had feelings for her, but there was a part of her that hoped he didn’t feel that way. It would be much easier for her to bury her feelings knowing that he didn’t care for her. Now that she had confirmation that a spark, perhaps even more than a spark, existed between them, how could she ignore it? Sara wondered what kind of advice a couples’ therapist might offer to her. “So what would you tell your patients to do?” she inquired.
The question took Jude by surprise and he could not produce a good clinical reply. “I can’t answer that truthfully,” he stated.
“Why not?” Sara asked.
“Because everything I say to you has unintended consequences.”
“Meaning?” she pressed.
“Meaning that my advice would be skewed by my own feelings. I’m not unbiased,” Jude explained.
“Look, step out of your own shoes for a moment and...”
“Sara,” he interrupted, “I can’t tell you truthfully because…” Jude paused for a moment to carefully consider his next words and then blurted out with a hint of rage, “Because I think I’m in love with you. Because you’re all I’ve thought about for the last few months, and it takes all the strength and will I have not to take you in my arms while you’re so close to me and show you everything that I’m feeling.”
Sara felt her insides twinge at the thought of his body pressed against hers. She relished listening to him profess his love for her. Uninhibited, every part of her body was
hot with desire for Jude, and it became apparent to her that she was losing control of her feelings. They stared into each other’s eyes for a long moment of silence until, slowly, Sara stood up and closed the space between them.
Jude watched her intensely while Sara straddled his lap and ran the tip of her index finger gently down the buttons of his dress shirt, which beckoned to be stripped away from his chest. Incapable of sitting idle, Jude’s hands clenched the fabric at the lower hem of Sara’s scrub top, tugged it upward over her head and tossed it on the floor. In contrast to the drab hospital attire that Sara had been wearing, her sexy, pale blue lace bra accentuated her breasts, testing Jude’s resolve. Pulling his head into her chest, Sara further tormented his self-control. She ran her fingers through his soft hair, which smelled of a masculine designer shampoo – a wooded, spicy green fragrance. As she wrapped her arms around his neck and torso, Sara felt an erection tight against his pants between her legs, which made her clit swell. Her underwear became damp with moisture from within her. They embraced each other and in that moment Sara knew she wanted to make love with Jude more than she’d ever wanted anything in her life, and there would be no turning back.
Instinctively, Jude felt Sara’s overwhelming desire for him in her heart. Answering her heart’s request, he held her face in the palms of his hands and kissed her lips eagerly, as if attempting to quench a thirst. The groomed stubble along his jaw line felt softer against her face than Sara anticipated as Jude continued to kiss her with greater voracity than she’d ever experienced before in her life. While their lips parted and their tongues became entwined, Sara began to think of Eric. She wondered if he would even care that she’d become intimate with another man. Her feelings of neglect propelled her deeper into submission, and justified her need to embrace the love that Jude was offering.
What Sara Said Page 7