“Sara?” she heard Eric call her name and then holler out into the hallway. “Somebody help! She’s awake… Sara?” he called again but his voice was muffled. Someone must have turned the volume knob down to zero, she thought, because everything became quiet and the room faded into a white haze. Sara had passed out.
Several hours later, after the doctors poked at Sara and questioned her, completing their assessments of every system of her body, Eric and Sara had a few moments alone together.
“You had a lot of visitors while you were out,” Eric remarked.
Sara attempted a half-smile with her face still sore and swollen, “Lexi and Jake? How're they?”
“Good. They miss you, but they're okay,” he continued, “Grace has been wonderful. It’s a good thing you hired her to help out at home. Your mother’s been in, lots of nurse friends. Oh, and one of your patients… his son stopped in.”
Shit! Jude came here? Sara was shocked but encouraged the conversation with caution not knowing what was said or how much Eric knew, “Oh? Which patient?”
“The guy said his name was Dr. Warner. Said his dad sent him to see how you were.”
“Huh. That’s sweet. His father is nice.”
“He seemed like a nice enough guy but a little strange.”
“How so?” Sara continued to play out the conversation.
“Well, he came in here and just as soon as I told him how you were, he just left in a hurry,” Eric replied.
“Yeah,” Sara agreed. “Guess that is weird,” she said, but the truth was that there was nothing strange about the way Jude had acted at all.
“Can I ask you something?”
Sara nodded.
“I’m not mad. But I’m wondering, when were you going to tell me about the baby?” Eric's question took Sara off-guard and she furrowed her forehead with a quizzical look. Her mind remained focused on the scene she'd painted in her head of her husband and her lover in the same room together talking. “When did you find out? I mean, how long have you known?” Eric asked.
“About a week, I guess. I mean I knew for only a week before the accident,” she attested.
“Why didn't you tell me? And how is it even possible?” Anger surfaced as he pressed further.
“How’s it possible… you mean, with your vasectomy?”
“Yeah,” Eric nodded.
“I don’t know. I guess… they say it's only ninety-nine percent effective. Maybe we’re the one percent?” Sara offered sheepishly.
“But still, why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me?”
Sara’s heart weighed heavily with guilt. The room suddenly felt like a blazing furnace and she sobbed as she explained to Eric that she hadn't decided to keep it.
“An abortion?” his interrogation continued, resentment and betrayal seeped through his voice.
The primal instinct of self-preservation took over while Sara defended her own thoughts and said, “Let's not forget why you had the vasectomy to begin with, Eric. We were done. That was a decision we made together. We decided, not just me.”
“I'm sorry, Sara,” Eric apologized, realizing how upset the discussion was making her. “I don't mean to fight about this. Please don't get upset with me. It doesn't matter now. It’s in the past and it doesn't matter.”
But it does matter, Sara considered for a moment. That baby matters. My baby matters. Jude's baby matters. Grief depleted her of strength and she continued to weep over her loss.
Eric carefully slid into the narrow hospital bed and gently wrapped his arms around Sara, allowing her to sag wearily onto his chest. He kissed her lightly on the forehead and said, “All that matters is that you're okay. I'm so happy you're here and you're okay. I kept thinking that I'd give my life if it meant that you could have yours and I was terrified. I love you, Sara. I know I’ve taken you for granted. Things will be different from now on, I promise.”
And in that moment Sara believed him. She believed that in every facet of her life, things would be different.
20. Voicemail
Two weeks later, Sara was discharged from the hospital with home physical therapy. Eric had already filed paperwork under the Family Medical Leave Act so that he could continue to spend time at home caring for Sara and the children until she was well enough to manage without him.
“Good morning, Sara,” a nurse greeted her early on the morning of discharge. “How are you feeling? Anxious to get home?”
“Yes, of course,” Sara replied. She was lying in bed awake. Eric sat in a chair next to the window jotting down notes in a memo pad and creating lists of errands to run.
“The doctor will be in to do one last assessment, and then we’ll have a list of discharge instructions for you,” the nurse informed them.
“Okay.”
“And OT and PT should be in sometime in the next two hours to get their discharge info to you. There’s fresh towels and soap in the bathroom. Would you like help getting washed up today?”
“I’ll help her,” Eric interjected happily.
“Yes, my husband’s been helping me. But I’m fine, thank you,” Sara agreed.
“Great! Do you have any questions?”
“Yes. Umm… so it sounds like it’s going to take a little while for her to be ready to leave. Is that right?” Eric asked.
“Yes. Will you be bringing her home?”
Eric nodded, “Uh huh.”
“We’ll try to have her ready for you sometime before noon.”
“Okay, thank you,” Eric replied.
“I’ll be back in a little while to have you sign some papers, Sara.”
“Thank you.” Sara watched as the nurse left the room and closed the door halfway behind her. Sara flung the covers off her legs and turned toward Eric, “I guess it’s time to get moving, huh? Hand me that crutch.”
Eric immediately sprang from his chair to assist. “Here, let me,” he said. Eric guarded her with his arms and placed the crutch under her armpit as she rose from the bed. He followed her cautiously while she limped across the hospital room toward the private bathroom. Each step Eric took was done with complete focus on Sara’s needs and safety. He thoughtfully held her gown closed so as not to expose her backside, and patiently encouraged her while she walked at a snail’s pace. When they reached the bathroom, Eric assisted her into the shower. He tenderly washed her skin and hair.
“I brought those really comfy yoga pants you like from home. Thought they might be easier for you to pull on than your jeans,” Eric suggested while helping her dry off with a towel.
“Good thinking. Thank you,” Sara said appreciatively.
Eric glanced down at his watch. It was 9:34 am. “I have some things I’d like to do before we get home. Since they won’t have you ready for a little while, are you okay with me leaving for an hour or two?”
“Of course. Do whatever you need to. I’m not going anywhere without you!” Sara retorted.
“Okay,” Eric retrieved his keys from the bedside table and started toward the door. “Oh, I almost forgot,” he said while reaching into his pocket and then handed a cell phone to Sara. “I tried to keep the battery charged but I didn’t have the unlock code to check and see if there were any important messages for you.”
“That’s okay. I’ll go through them. Thanks.”
Eric stood in front of Sara and sighed, “I hate saying good-bye, now.”
“Then don’t,” she smiled.
“You’re right. ‘I love you’ is much better,” he flirted. “I’ll be back soon.” Eric kissed her lips gently and walked out of the room.
Sara sat at the edge of her hospital bed facing the window while clearing the notifications from her smartphone. She reviewed text messages that filtered in during her recovery. There were messages from Jude. Countless messages. They were filled with ‘I love yous’ and pleas of hope that she would keep the pregnancy. Thankfully, Sara changed the pass code months earlier to prevent Lexi from accidentally, or purposely, downloa
ding apps that Sara didn’t want stored on the phone.
Tears trickled down the side of her face. She listened as each message grew more frantic than the previous, until there were no more messages to listen to. Jude stopped calling sometime while she was still in the coma.
“Ahem,” Sara heard a man softly clear his throat from behind her. She turned and looked up immediately to find Jude quietly leaning against the doorframe of her hospital room. He’d been watching while she fiddled with her phone. Butterflies filled her stomach and she quickly wiped the tears from her face.
“Jude,” she said.
“Thank God you’re okay. I’ve been trying to catch you alone but it’s been near impossible. May I come in?” he questioned.
Sara nodded and watched as he stepped lightly toward her. “I heard you visited me while I was out of it.”
“I had to see you. I’m sorry. Does Eric suspect?”
“No. But he did say that you were strange. You left in a hurry.”
“We shook hands,” Jude said stoically.
“Oh. I see. So then you know about…”
“The baby?” Jude nodded, his face dejected.
“I’m sorry,” Sara offered. “I should have been more careful and…“
“No. Don’t,” Jude interrupted. “It wasn’t your fault. We don’t have to talk about that now. I’m glad to see you up and moving around.”
“I was just listening to your messages.”
“I’m sorry about them. I was… I didn’t hear from you. I didn’t know what happened. Until…”
“I know. It’s okay. I know,” Sara said trying to comfort him.
Their eyes spoke to each other in silence for a few moments. Jude’s began to fill. He could feel the conflict in Sara’s heart. And the intensity of what Jude felt in her was shockingly less than what he’d come to expect. It was weak. Their connection felt weaker. Perhaps the absence of the baby caused the change in his empathetic ability. Regardless, the change in Sara’s heart was undeniable. He could sense that she still loved him, but there was a reignited spark for Eric that was non-existent before the accident. “I have something for you,” he finally said. He reached into his jacket pocket and handed her a book. “It’s a journal. Write in it. You’ve been through a lot and it might help you to write your thoughts down.”
Sara smiled, “Always the psychologist, aren’t you? Thanks.”
“I can’t help it,” Jude replied and then asked, “So, how do you feel?”
“Like I got hit by a car,” Sara joked lightly.
Jude only half-smiled in response to her humor.
“Well, I’m being discharged today,” Sara said.
“That’s good.”
“Eric should be back soon to take me home.”
Jude frowned, “Oh. I should leave then.”
“No,” Sara sighed. “I mean, yeah… probably. But, I don’t want you to.”
“I know. Me either. I miss you… terribly. What… What happens now?”
Sara shook her head and bit her lower lip, “I don’t know. I think we need to talk… about us. But, not here. Not now.”
Jude agreed, “Yeah, but when? How? You’re in no condition to drive to my place, or to drive anywhere for that matter.”
“Jude… it’s gonna be difficult for us to even talk now. I won’t be back to work for a while and Eric is… he’s taking care of me, like he’s never done before. And he’ll be home for a few more weeks until I can manage without him. But I’ll try to find some times to call you,” Sara promised.
“I wish I could feel you.”
“You can’t?” Sara was perplexed. Jude was usually able to sense at least some of what she was feeling, even without physical contact.
“No, I mean… I want to touch you. And hold you. I want to kiss those soft lips… and feel your arms wrapped around me.”
Sara’s pulse quickened. She remembered the last magnetic kiss they shared, before she learned that she was pregnant. “I want that too.”
Unexpectedly, there was a knock at the door. “Mrs. Preen?” Sara’s orthopedic doctor entered the room. “Excuse me. I don’t mean to interrupt but I’ve got to ask you a few questions before I discharge you.”
“No, of course. It’s okay,” Sara replied. She felt her heart sink realizing she might not see Jude for a while.
“I was just leaving anyway,” Jude said as he turned toward the door.
“I’ll call you,” Sara affirmed.
Jude grinned and silently mouthed, “I love you” before exiting the room.
The drive home from the hospital was refreshingly more enjoyable than any recent car ride Sara had with Eric. Sara was excited to finally be going home. She and Eric conversed during the entire drive without a single moment of silence. Eric listened intently while Sara talked about replacing her car, which had been totaled in the accident. She was pleasantly surprised to learn that Eric had already settled everything with the insurance company and started looking into new car options for her. There was nothing more for Sara to do except to take a few test drives and decide which car she wanted.
Sara gazed out the window while Eric made suggestions and weighed the pros and cons of selecting an SUV instead of a sedan. She noticed that the snow had almost entirely melted, except for where plows had mounded the snow into piles along roadways and in parking lots. The imminent arrival of spring was evident in all of Sara’s surroundings, which created an atmosphere ideal for renewal. In many ways, Sara felt like she was undergoing a rebirth of her spirit, of her tattered body and of her marriage.
When they arrived home, Jake toddled toward Sara with excitement, babbling “Mmamma, mmamma”.
Her heart was so full that Sara barely noticed her back ache when she tried to lower herself onto a couch in the family room. Jake climbed onto her lap. Sara hugged him tightly and inhaled. The sweet scent of a freshly washed baby was like no other and Sara savored it.
Grace stood alongside Eric and offered to help bring Sara’s belongings in from the car. When they were finished retrieving the items, Eric took a bag of things upstairs. Looking at Sara, Grace offered, “May I get you a cup of hot tea?”
“That would be wonderful. Thank you,” Sara replied. Jake climbed down from her lap to play with blocks in the corner of the room.
“Would you like any sugar or cream?” Grace called from the kitchen.
“No, thanks.”
Grace re-appeared carrying a tray of hot tea and freshly made croissants. She placed the tray on the end table next to Sara.
“These smell wonderful,” Sara complimented.
“Thank you.”
Sara looked around the room. Absolutely everything was in its place. The hardwood floors were spotless. The pillows on the sofa were meticulously arranged and all of the toys in the play area of the room were organized and neatly put away. “And the house… it’s immaculate!”
“I wish I could take credit for all of it, but I can’t,” Grace said. Sara shot a quizzical look at her. Just then, Eric strolled into the room carrying a large vase full of red roses. Grace tilted her head in his direction and pointed her eyes at Eric, as if to give credit to him for the cleanliness of the house. “He wanted everything absolutely perfect for your homecoming.”
“These are for you, Sara. We, uh, sort of missed Valentine’s Day.” Eric set the vase on a sofa table that stood along the back of the couch. He pulled a single rose from the vase and placed it in Sara’s lap.
Sara picked up the rose, inhaling as she brought it to her nose. She beamed. “You’re so sweet. I love them. Thank you.”
“I’ll leave you two alone for a bit while I prep the veggies for dinner and get ready for Lexi to come home from school. Come on now, Jake. Come with me.” Grace motioned for Jake to follow behind.
“I’ll be out to help you in a little while. Thank you,” Eric said as Grace picked up Jake and carried him into the kitchen.
Sara was in awe. Was this the man she married? The sam
e man who, for years, had been so focused on his career that he’d barely lifted a finger to help her around the house or with the kids? “You… help Grace in the kitchen?” she asked.
“I know, I know. I should trust her. I know she can handle everything on her own. It’s just that, Lexi likes her vegetables cut a certain way, with no sauce, and Jake seems to really like it when I feed him.”
Wait. Did Sara hear him correctly? All of a sudden, Eric knew the intimate details of their children’s food preferences. Sara smiled and shook her head in disbelief.
“What?” he grinned, “Didn’t think I could play Mr. Mom, did you?”
“No. I mean, yes! Of course I never doubted you but, well, I’m just surprised is all.”
Eric sighed. He sat beside Sara on the couch and placed his hand over hers, interlacing their fingers. “I have a lot of making up to do. I realize that. I’m just glad you’re here for me to do it with.”
“I think we both have some making up to do,” Sara remarked. “I’ve been… distant, too.”
“Shhh… Let’s not play the blame game. None of it matters now. I made a promise to you that I would honor and cherish you, and I realize that I haven’t. I’m only sorry that it took me nearly losing you to realize what I was missing in my life.”
Guilt crept in while Sara listened to Eric reference their wedding vows. If he only knew how unfaithful she had been, he wouldn’t be so remorseful. But Sara couldn’t bring herself to break his heart and tell him the truth.
“I’ve already talked with my boss about re-adjusting my responsibilities when I return to work, a down-grade of some sort. It would mean less money, but I think we can manage. And the important thing is that it would mean less travel.”
“Wow. You’ve really put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you?”
What Sara Said Page 13