by K. T Fisher
I take in their shocked faces. Kendal looks a little pale. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
More tears fall as I nod. "About a month after, I found out I was pregnant. They'd already left in their tour and I didn't know what to do. I had no way of getting in touch with Leo, and I didn't know how to tell you all."
"Oh my God" Maisy cries, grabbing me in a tight embrace.
They all stay quiet, but I know what they're thinking. There's no baby, so obviously I terminated the pregnancy. That's not true. I look back at them all. "I didn't have an abortion girls. I hadn't thought about my options, I was in too much shock." I start to cry again, they each comfort me in their own way. There’s a hand stroking my back, someone holding my hand, a pat on the knee and another hand running through my hair. "I'd finally decided I was going to keep the baby. I just needed to tell you all, but it wasn't meant to be. The next day I woke up in a pool of blood. I was so scared."
Jessica has tears falling down her cheeks. "Oh Tan, why didn't you tell us?"
I watch the girls wipe away their tears. "I couldn't. I knew you'd be disappointed. I was fine. My mum took me to the hospital. Turns out, I was further along than I thought. I was actually four months gone, and had no idea!"
My sobs become louder. The girls hold me tighter. "My baby was taken away from me, my beautiful baby!"
My tears are uncontrollable as they fall. It feels good to let all of this out. I'd lost my baby after four months carrying it, even if I hadn't known the whole time.
The girls finally calm me down, their tears begin to stop too. They share my pain, and somehow that helps.
Kendal and Sophie go home to their men once they know I'm ok, while Jessica and Maisy decide to stay with me. They order take out, get out the wine and put on a movie. It helps takes my mind off things. I've had enough for one day, I need to go to bed. The tears and emotions have tired me out, so I head off to bed. Before I fall asleep, I can hear the girls talking about me. They're worried, and understandably shocked. My eyes become too heavy to listen anymore and I fall asleep, my hand on my flat stomach, and dream of what might have been.
Chapter 13
Tanya
After a week of the girls caring nature and overprotective ways I decide I've had enough. I tell them to stop, wanting us to get back to normal. I know they were just being my friends and caring for me, but it was grating on my last nerve. Literally every night, at least one of them was at my house or had invited me to theirs. Well I say invited, it was more like demanded I go over. I'd felt smothered and trapped, so told them in the nicest way possible to fuck off and act normal. They took it well. I can now relax knowing that if I even sneeze they won't jump on my ass. Trust me I'm not exaggerating!
Right now I'm sitting with Maisy in my kitchen. She allowed me one day by myself. She's come over today for a catch up.
A catch up, honestly? I don't say anything though, letting her have her way.
"Sooo." She drags out the word, flashing me a smile. "Have you thought about telling Leo?"
I nearly fall off the stool I'm sitting on. Is she for real? "Why would I want to tell him?"
I haven't seen Leo since I told the girls why I hate him and can't forgive him. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like he left me to deal with all that shit by myself. He didn't know I was pregnant with his child, fuck I didn't even know until after he left! But for some fucked up reason, I have it in my head that he left me on purpose. I was left not only with a broken heart but a broken womb. I'd cried over Leo leaving and the loss of our baby. I could have told my friends and let them help me, but I didn't want their concern. If I'd had to see the pity in their eyes it would have broken me even more. I couldn't have that. Instead, I chose to recover in private. I had to watch Leo make a success of himself, while I dealt with my pain. He'd no idea what he'd lost, but I knew. The longer I left it, the harder it became to tell my friends. So I kept quiet, helping Kendal recover, then being there for her through her pregnancy and motherhood. I'd thought it would hurt seeing Finley when he was born, but it didn't at all. I was overjoyed for my friend.
"It's the right thing to do, Tan. Look at all the shit Kendal and Jax went through."
My eyes nearly pop out of my head. This is completely different. Isn't it?
Why should I tell Leo about a baby that didn't survive? Why should I have to dig up past hurts?
"This is different. I don't have a secret baby." I take a deep breath. Maisy moves a step closer. "I just can't. Ok?"
She nods her head, and I breathe a sigh of relief. The last thing I need right now is the girls forcing me to tell Leo. I really don't see the point. I may be wrong, but I don't want him to know. He'll probably get all emotional over me losing our baby. I can't have that. I had to deal with it alone because he couldn't handle everyone knowing about us. Maybe things would have turned out differently if he had known, or maybe not, it still doesn't change what happened.
We go into the living area and drink our tea. Maisy's got something else on her mind, I can tell. "Spill it Maisy."
She smiles shyly. "What are you doing about the gig?"
"Gig?"
She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, Decoy's gig in London tomorrow night?" She raises her eyebrows. "Fucking hell, how could you not know?" She giggles.
"I did, I guess I just forgot."
She stops laughing, looking me straight in the eye. "You've had shit on your mind. Are you going to go?"
"Are you?"
"Hell, yeah!"
I laugh at the thought of Maisy at a rock concert. She doesn't like the music at all, that's why she never went in their early days. Now she knows the guys a lot better. I guess she just wants to show her support. I'm not so sure about going though. "I dunno, it's going to be awkward."
"Tan, Sophie and Kendal are going, and they're preggers! You have to go. Just stay with me, you'll be fine."
As I finish my drink, I think about it. I guess I can just avoid Leo. Besides, he'll be on stage most of the night. "Fine, I'll go. I can't not go if those fatties are, that would just be embarrassing."
"Exactly!" Maisy laughs.
After discussing what she should wear Maisy leaves, a weird look on her face. She assures me that I'll be fine tomorrow, and should seriously think about talking to Leo. I tell her to back off, then we kiss goodbye.
Maisy's words play in my head after she leaves. They scare me. The thought of Leo’s baby growing inside me warms my heart. Tears burn my eyes, then I realize Kendal and I would have both been in the same situation, raising secret rock star children. It's both scary and funny.
***
I've just finished eating my dinner when my apartment intercom buzzes. Who could that be?
I walk to the phone beside my front door, lifting it slowly to my ear. "Hello?"
A deep sigh comes from the other end, and my body tightens. I've a weird feeling I know who it is. "Hey."
Shit, it's Leo! How the fuck does he know where I live? Maisy's guilty face flashes in my mind. The traitor!
"What are you doing here?"
"Can we talk?"
I lean my head against the wall. I can't tell him.
"Please Tan, let me talk. You don't have to say anything, just listen."
I suppose I can do that. "Fine." With shaky fingers I press the button to let him into the building. I look down at myself, cursing. Leo is here and I look like a bag of shit! I run into my room and quickly apply some blush to my cheeks and a little mascara. I don't have time to change out of my PJ's because there's a knock on my door.
As I walk to the door to let him in, my heart is beating like crazy in my chest. I get like this every time I see him. He still has this affect on me. I love and hate him for it.
I open the door. Leo's standing there, filling my entire doorway. He's a big man, strongly built and muscular. His thumbs are hooked into his jean pockets as he stands looking at me. I watch as his eyes scan my body, praying to god he doesn't notice my hard nip
ples.
"Come in." I step away, gesturing for him to enter. He does, as he passes me I'm surrounded by his scent. My god, he smells amazing.
I close the door, turning around to see Leo slowly taking in my apartment. "Nice place."
"Thanks." I follow him into my living area. Leo sits on one of the sofas so I decide to sit on the one opposite him. There's no way I'm sitting right next to him.
Leo smiles at me as I sit. "It's a lot nicer than our old flat back in the day." He chuckles to himself, my body heating up from the memories that old flat brings back.
"Yeah, that place was a shit hole." It really was.
He laughs, nodding his head. The sound of his laugh, and those dimples, are making my stomach do flips.
"How did you know where I live?"
That stops his laughter, his face suddenly becoming serious. "Maisy said we needed to talk. She offered to bring me, but I already knew where you lived."
He looks down at his hands, it's obvious he's feeling a little awkward. My anger at Maisy goes to the back of my mind as I look at Leo. In my fucking living room, "How?"
He rubs his face with his hands in frustration. “I followed Maisy here once."
My eyes widen, then I surprise myself by laughing. Leo looks shocked. I don't blame him. "You followed Maisy to see where I live?" I laugh again, because it really is stupid.
"I had to do what I had to do." He shrugs his shoulders.
I can't help but feel a little let down that he knows where I live and has done nothing about it.
"So, why does Maisy think we need to talk?" He looks right at me, and my breathing halts. I can't tell him. "Okay." He continues. "I know what I need to say."
We stare at each other. I begin to think that it was a bad idea letting him in. I rub my forehead, beginning to feel a little hot and sweaty. I see Leo about to get up. He's frowning at me. "Tan I-"
"No, don't." I hold my hand out and he sits back down. "Stay over there. You said you wanted to say something, so say it." I may sound like a bitch, but I'm feeling really weird right now.
"Alright, but you gotta promise to let me finish. No interrupting."
"Fine, whatever." I just want him to say what he has to, and leave.
"I have no idea why you hate me, Tanya, I need to know why? It fucking kills me that you look at me the way you do, and shut me out. I don't know what I've done to you. I talked to a few of the girls. They told me to think back to the last time we were together, and I have. I've fucking thought about it ever since I came back here! I thought this was what you wanted, but I come back and you can't stand the sight of me!"
I'm confused by what he's saying. I open my mouth to talk, but Leo carries on.
"I don't know what happened that day Tan, you never answered my calls. Why did you run away?"
I don't know whether to talk or not. He said he didn't want any interruptions, but he just asked me a question. I want to scream at him that I left because he was being a dick. He didn't want anyone to know about us, so I left.
"Why, Tan? Why did you go?"
"Because of what you said."
He looks puzzled. "What did I say?"
Fucking hell, this is embarrassing. Fucking idiot doesn't even remember what he said! "You said you were done! You didn't want anyone to know about us!"
"No, I fucking didn't!"
I scowl over at him. "Yes, you did! We listened to Kendal and Jax then you said this means we're safe now, or something like that anyway. You were glad that Kendal left Jax, because that meant we were over."
His eyes widen. "The fuck? Why would you think that?"
I stand now, pointing at him. "Because you said it!" He sits in silence, looking up at me. "You'd had your way with me like always, and you were worried about your fucking friends finding out about us! You listened to Kendal end it with Jax, and you were relieved. Them breaking up meant that we wouldn't have to see each other again. What a great thing for you Leo. You had enough girls to tend to anyway."
He stands, not taking his eyes from me and walks over, stopping right in front of me. A lone tear falls down my cheek, and he wipes it away. This is too much. What the fuck is he doing here?
I step away, and Leo frowns at me. "I think you should go."
"No, I don't think so. I still have shit to say."
I look up at him through wet eyes. My stomach tightens, my emotions twisting at the things he still doesn't know. He doesn't know that he created a child with me, and he doesn't know that he could have been a father. I hold back my tears, listening as Leo starts to talk again.
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but this is what I do know. You're gonna listen to what I have to say." He takes a deep breath, looking right at me. "I wasn't glad Kendal ripped Jax's heart out. I don't know who the fuck you were listening to, but you weren't hearing me. I don't even know what the fuck I said. I do know that I wasn't happy never say anything about us. I never wanted to keep us a secret in the first place! That was all on you!" His eyes are wide, and I stay quiet. I'm too shocked to think about what to say right now. "I didn't want you to go. I was a little relieved that maybe, because Kendal had broken it off with Jax, she wouldn't be as pissed at me for sleeping with you. Maybe that's what you misheard? I don't know. What I do know is that I never wanted any of those other girls. I only wanted you, but you were too ashamed to tell anyone about us. I didn't blame you. You're fucking gorgeous Tan, an angel. You were always my angel, you still are. I'm just a drummer in a band. You could have done so much better than me. I wanted you to be all mine anyway. I used those other girls to make you jealous, I wanted you to get mad at me. I wanted you to tell everyone about us! I wanted you to be mine, and only mine! I wanted to be yours. I didn't want those fucking groupies. It was you. Angel, I still want you."
Oh. My. God!
What the fuck am I supposed to say? I'm speechless. He really didn't want me to leave? He didn't want to keep us a secret?
Leo takes a step towards me, placing his hands either side of my face. "There isn't one single day that I didn't think about you Tanya. I tried to forget, I really did, but I couldn't. You're mine, and you always will be. When I came back and saw you again, I knew why I couldn't forget you." He looks me right in the eyes, blowing me away with his next words. "I love you, angel. I didn't know what you were doing to me back then, but I do now. I love you. I want you back. It fucking kills me to think about you with someone else."
As lovely as these words are, they remind me what the girls were talking about last week. I remove his hands from my face. "But that doesn't stop you does it? You don't want me to be with anyone else, but you're free to do as you please."
"What are talking about?"
I laugh. "Oh please, don't bother lying. This is what you do. It's who you are. I know you left with another girl when I left the club. Christ, it was all in the magazines!"
Leo frowns at me. "So what? You left with that pretty boy."
What the fuck is he talking about? Oh shit, Marcus, then I remember what Maisy told me. "For your information he followed me out to see me safely to my car. Whatever Maisy told you was a lie. I went home by myself, not that it matters. I'm free and single. I can do as I please."
He chuckles to himself. "See we're just playing the same old game, me and you making each other jealous." He stops laughing, looking seriously at me. "I didn't sleep with her. She came back to mine and I was going to, but I couldn't. Sure, I let her leave happy, but we didn't have sex."
She left happy? In other words he made her come. Very nice Leo. "What a gentleman you are."
I sit down on shaky legs. I never thought he'd be saying these things to me. This is why he's been chasing me around, trying to get me to talk to him since he came back. All this time I was wrong about him. He didn't want me to leave. He wanted us to be together, and I didn't see it.
Leo sits down next to me, close enough that his thick denim covered thigh touches my leg. "Look, I want you to know that I d
on't blame you for leaving. I understand what you were thinking now. I know why you couldn't stand the sight of me, but I've said what I had to. I hope you won't shut me out anymore."
He dips his head in a cute way, making me smile. I've missed him - a lot. We were good friends before we fucked it all up. I nod my head, I can try.
"Before I go, I just want you to know, I want you back. I'm gonna try my best to win you back. I want everyone to know about us. I don't give a fuck about hiding anymore. This time we do it right."
I don't think that's a good idea. There's still stuff he doesn't know, there's history here and too many emotions. Before I can talk, Leo silences me.
"Don't say anything. I want you to give me a chance. I know it's not going to be right now. You need to get your shit together. I am gonna try, and you're coming to the gig tomorrow night, right?"