Tightening the Knot

by Amanda Hamm

  “No.”

  Greg peered over her shoulder at the title and seemed slightly panicked when he read it. Why was this hint worse than the others? Meredith inspected the book a little more closely and began to realize what was happening. She knew. Judy knew they were having problems. The book was intended to be helpful, not just plant an idea. And Greg looked worried because he thought Meredith would be upset he had spilled the beans before she was ready. Meredith almost laughed out loud at yet another plan being derailed. She hadn’t even liked this idea; it was just the backup. She was starting to wonder if there were other hints she was supposed to be picking up on. Hints that it was time for her to stop trying to orchestrate some grand plan and work on the simple things. But nothing really seemed simple and the New Year’s plan was still in the works so she was not ready to give up yet.

  “I look forward to reading this.” She carefully included Greg in what she hoped was an approving look and then asked him to open his present. Just because she was not upset this issue was out in the open didn’t mean she wanted to dwell on it. Her “cycles” were not open for discussion.

  ╣ Chapter 17 ╠

  Meredith and her mother-in-law parted cordially when they said goodbye at the airport. There was a relief in the knowledge that the grandchild hints would likely stop that almost made Meredith wish she had been honest much sooner. But there was a new tone in Judy’s voice that Meredith couldn’t quite define except by how much it bothered her. It tempered the wish.

  The rest of the day felt a little odd. Greg and Meredith were very polite to each other. They smiled occasionally and made necessary comments like “Are you done with that?” or “I’ll get it” and otherwise said very little. It was almost as though, by writing on the calendar, they had made a subconscious agreement to make a fresh start at the couples event... but not one moment sooner. In fact, they spent a good part of the day doing little but waiting, patiently and pleasantly, to start talking to one another.

  They attended midnight Mass together, which was significantly later than Greg was normally willing to stay awake. He was a morning person in no uncertain terms who had been making this exception every year since getting married. He was still up by 6 o’clock the following morning. Meredith put her pillow over her head while he showered to muffle Katie’s protests and slept one more hour after Greg took the dog downstairs. When Meredith came down, he was sitting at the table with a newspaper and a cup of coffee and Katie was thrashing about on the floor with something red and shiny on the back of her neck.

  Meredith didn’t say anything. Her look of confusion was enough to prompt a response from Greg. “I heard the water running so I knew you were up. I thought you’d think it was cute for her to greet you with a Christmas bow.” After a pause he added, “But I think she might be trying to eat it.”

  “Well, it is cute, but I suppose we should rescue her.” Meredith took the bow off and put it out of reach, then poured herself a bowl of cereal. “Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas.”

  “And Merry Christmas to you, too.” He disappeared for a moment and came back with two presents, which he set in front of her on the table. He had not gotten the presents from under the tree. Every year he insisted on hiding his gifts to Meredith until Christmas morning. The stated reason for this was so Meredith could not try to guess the contents. She suspected it was also to conceal when the gifts were purchased.

  Meredith went upstairs to get her presents from under the tree. It was in an all too empty room upstairs that happened to have a window facing the street. The gifts were practical and yet appropriately intimate. Greg received a new electric razor. He would no longer need to tap his on the counter to get it started in the morning. He also opened a new hat and gloves, ones that would cover all ten fingers. Meredith got some craft kits to use with her students and a beautiful nativity scene. She had accidentally chipped a wise man setting hers up earlier in the season. After the gifts, Meredith got to work in the kitchen and Greg pretended he wasn’t having fun playing with Katie.

  They arrived at Mr. and Mrs. Kester’s house in time for lunch with six dozen cookies, a laundry basket full of presents for the family and a large white box containing Meredith’s wedding dress. The house smelled delicious as Jeanette had made her famous cinnamon bread. Meredith picked a choice spot in the living room for another round of gift giving after the meal. Everyone agreed that because she had done so well on the scrumptious food that Jeanette should have the honor of opening the first present. She picked up one from Tom. Meredith knew it would be something to add to the Santa collection. She was not clairvoyant. Tom had bought his mother something with Santa every year since he was ten, usually something kitchen related. This time it was a butter dish with Santa’s head and shoulders poking out the top for a handle. Jeanette held it up to show off and opened it so everyone could admire the full Santa on the inside.

  As she was about to put it aside, Greg snorted rather loudly and she realized he had been trying to suppress a laugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I… I just have to know. Am I the only one who thinks that’s just a little bit creepy?”

  “Creepy?”

  “It’s a butter dish.”

  “I know, but… I’m sorry, Tom… but to me it looks a little… with that shape, like Santa’s popping out of a coffin.”

  “What!?” Jeanette held it up again to inspect it.

  Tom started laughing, too. “Oh, no! I see it now. The way he’s lying down inside makes it look like he’s sitting up when you close it.”

  Jeanette took the lid on and off a few times and found that she and Ellie were now the only ones able to keep a straight face. Perhaps Ellie had been the one to select this Santa.

  Meredith was caught up in the laughter now as well. “It is a little creepy how it looks like he’s sitting up in it.”

  “Yeah,” Tom agreed. “It’s like a vampire Santa or something.”

  Jeanette just sighed and said, “Oh, stop it. It’ll look fine once I get a stick of butter on him.”

  Something about the way she said “him” instead of “it” only reinforced the image in everyone’s mind of Santa lying in a coffin. Only now he was lying under a stick of butter. They laughed harder until Greg, who had started all this, felt he should be the one to move things along. Particularly if he intended to stay on good terms with his mother-in-law. He opened up a pair of slippers. They were successfully unfunny.

  But Jeanette had her new dish washed up in time for dinner that evening. It sat proudly in the very center of the table and was responsible for many stifled smiles during the blessing. As napkins went into laps, Tom said, very politely, “Mom, will you please pass the vampire Santa.”

  She was not actually in a position to reach the butter. He knew this. The line was intended to make her crack and it worked. She let out a quick laugh and smiled at Meredith. “Honey, please give your brother the vampire Santa.”

  ╣ Chapter 18 ╠

  “I actually miss her.”

  “Really? I mean, she was cute, but you made her sound like a bit of a menace.”

  “Yeah, well, the house seems so empty now.” Meredith was having lunch with Jenna. The house felt empty for a lot of reasons. The school was closed so she was still on vacation, but she felt like the only one. Greg had returned to work on Wednesday, Thursday and now Friday. And Katie had gone back to work with him Wednesday morning to be returned to Mark. Tom had returned to Ohio on Wednesday as well so she was no longer spending the evenings at her parents’ house. And then there was still that strange happy anxiety between her and Greg. “And it’s quiet, too.”

  “Quiet? You miss the early morning whine sessions?”

  “Like I’d miss a toothache.” Meredith smiled wryly and then paused. “But things are just sort of quiet in general. It’s weird.”

  “You mean between you and Greg?”

  “I don’t know. I think things might be a tiny bit better, but not… I mean, we’re sti
ll barely talking, but instead of tense, angry silence, it’s just this weird, happy silence.”

  “Happy is good. I’m not so sure about silence.”

  “I mostly feel good that there’s some progress, except when I’m sitting around with a goofy grin on my face, and can’t think of a single thing to say. My biggest fear is that we’re both expecting an awful lot from an event that might turn out to be very lame.”

  “Well, I’ll be thinking about you when I’m sitting home alone watching the sixty-twelfth annual whatever Rockin’ Eve.”

  “Sixty-twelfth?”

  “I know.” Jenna shook her head at herself. “I was trying to think of a big number and my mouth was faster than my brain.”

  “I thought you had plans anyway.”

  “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Tammy ditched me for James.”

  “Already?”

  “Apparently. He admitted he was wrong about something and so now he’s allowed to take her out for New Year’s.”

  “Well, I’m sorry she flaked on you.”

  “I’ll get over it. And it’s not like I’m surprised.” Tammy was one of Jenna’s co-workers. She had been dating James for nearly four years, on and off. They would break up every few months and spend about two weeks discussing when they were going to start talking to each other again. Tammy also taught jazzercise and her class paid the price on the days she stopped speaking to James. “I’m more bummed that I’m not doing something with Shawn than I am that I’m not doing anything.”

  “Still no luck there, huh?”

  “No, and I may have to give up on him. He completing blew me off yesterday.”

  “Really?” Meredith put down her fork, already indignant for her friend’s sake, but waiting for the full story.

  “Well, I had decided that it was time for me to go ahead and ask him out. We’ve been getting along great and I don’t know what he’s waiting for.” She ignored the look from Meredith. “Yesterday I had the perfect chance. He happened to be coming out of the showers right as I was about to step out for a bite to eat. I pretended it was just a casual idea for him to join me, like it had just popped into my head since we were both heading out. And d’you know what he said? He said he’d love to, but he had some meeting he had to get to.”

  “How do you know he didn’t really have an appointment?”

  “Because when I came back a half hour later, I saw him leaving! He had obviously stayed to chat with someone else there, even though he didn’t have time for me.”

  “Did he say anything when you saw him leaving?”

  “No.”

  “He just ignored you? Maybe he is a jerk.”

  Now Jenna looked a little sheepish. “Well, he didn’t exactly see me. I kind of hid in my car when I saw him.”

  Meredith laughed, understanding the refuge of a car. “If you really like him otherwise, I wouldn’t write him off until you see what he says when he actually has a chance to say something.”

  “Do you really think there could be a good explanation?”

  “Sure.” Meredith paused for a moment, knowing Jenna was waiting for an example of one. “Maybe, um, maybe he got a phone call right after you left canceling the meeting. And maybe he stayed at the club because he knew you were coming back.”

  “That could work. I certainly like it better than my idea that he was talking to Miss Freaky Eyes at the desk.”

  “Who?”

  “Oh, yeah. We got this new girl up front and she wears colored contacts and changes the color like every day. It’s a little freaky.”

  “Freaky eyes? Aren’t you the one who went around for a month with one green eye and one brown?”

  “Hey! That was like, twelve years ago and it’s not my fault I lost one.”

  “Whose fault was it?”

  “Okay, so maybe it was my fault, but I couldn’t throw away a perfectly good colored contact just because it no longer had a match. I had to dish a lot of ice cream to pay for those.”

  ╣ Chapter 19 ╠

  Meredith loved the man sitting across from her. She loved the way he tipped his head when he smiled at her. She loved the way his eyes laughed at her without ever being unkind. And she even loved that odd way he would flip the napkin over as he placed it in his lap. What she did not love, was this absurd silence. She put down her fork, mid-bite, after Greg offered the seventeenth goofy grin of the meal.

  “Greg?”

  “Mm-hmm?”

  “Are we going to keep doing this all weekend?”

  Greg raised one eyebrow slightly, not a natural talent, but something he had spent time practicing in front of a mirror in college. “Doing what?”

  “This!”

  He looked around. “Dinner?”

  “Are you kidding me!? Do you really not know what I’m talking about?”

  Greg looked as though he feared a trap. It seemed he really was at a loss and searching for an acceptable answer. Meredith waffled between rescuing him, because that would be more conducive to rescuing the relationship, and yelling at him, because that would be more satisfying at the particular moment. She resolved to remain calm and forcefully stabbed another bite of omelet while she waited for Greg to speak.

  He attempted a disarming smile. “I know our anniversary was in October so this isn’t about that.”

  Meredith softened a little at the joke. Greg had never forgotten an important date, so was free to make light of the cliché in a rough spot. Meredith still harbored a healthy level of exasperation though, and it forced her to bring the conversation back to her original question. “I mean, how much longer are we going to live like a bad sitcom?”

  Greg let out a quick laugh. “Oh, yeah, that clears it up for me.”

  “You know, all this weird grinning at each other.”

  “What’s so weird about being nice to each other?”

  Meredith couldn’t believe that Greg didn’t get it. She shoved a huge bite into her mouth to keep from saying anything until she’d had a minute to reflect. She was momentarily distracted by the delicious flavor. Although clueless in some areas, she did have to admit that the man made a mean omelet. All the same, she began sharpening her daggers, just in case her eyes should need them.

  Greg shook his head. “Alright. I’m probably shooting myself in the foot here, but I’m going to ask anyway. I thought we just didn’t have anything much to say, but have you been giving me the silent treatment on purpose?”

  “No.”

  “So you’re not upset about anything?”

  “I wasn’t.”

  “So now you’re upset because you haven’t been upset?”

  “No. I’m not upset.”

  “You seem upset.”

  “I’m just a little bothered that you haven’t noticed anything wrong.”

  “But you said there wasn’t anything wrong. I don’t understand why you’re angry.”

  “I’m not angry.”

  “You said you were ‘bothered.’”

  “I just meant…” Meredith took a deep breath. Both of them were beginning to raise their voices and this discussion about whether or not they were having an argument was about to become the most ridiculous argument they’d ever had. This was not what she intended. “I just meant that it seems like we should be talking.”

  “We are talking.” Greg had also made a measured attempt to calm down, but he seemed no less baffled.

  “Not now.”

  “You want to talk later?”

  “No, I mean we haven’t been talking. We should talk more in general.”

  “Okay…” Greg put down his fork and directed his full attention to his wife. “What do you want to talk about?”

  “Oh, I…” Meredith sighed heavily. There was really only one thing they needed to talk about. Only one thing that was constantly on her mind. But she knew how that conversation would go, and more importantly, how it would end. They hadn’t discussed their desire for a child or their seeming inability to create one since the last
stalemate and she couldn’t really think how anything had changed since then. She just smiled rather weakly and said, “Nothing.”

  Greg resumed his dinner and did not display any more of those goofy grins. Meredith did not revel in the victory.

  ╣ Chapter 20 ╠

  Greg spent all of Saturday working in the yard. Yes, it was December and yes, it was cold. But other than the occasional pass with a lawn mower, Greg rarely worked in the yard and so was able to find things to do. The previous owners had planted some ivy next to the house where it had grown over an archway between the front and back yards. They took the archway with them when they moved, but not the ivy. Not sure what else to do with it, Greg had simply been mowing over it the last few summers, but it grew faster than the grass and annoyed him. Now he took a shovel and tried to dig up all the roots. First, he piled the ground to the side, but he worried that it might just take root somewhere else. So he drove to the hardware store for some yard waste bags. He shoveled all the dirt he thought might contain roots into the bag, leaving a wide, shallow hole in the ground.

  Next, he took a steak knife from the kitchen and used it to edge the dry, yellow grass along the driveway. He rinsed it when he was finished and put it in the dishwasher, hoping Meredith would not notice the now bent blade.

  He borrowed a ladder from a neighbor and carefully removed every last leaf and bit of debris from the eaves; or at least, from the eaves on the first level. And since he had the ladder, thought he might as well clean the windows it helped him reach.

  There was a row of small trees along the property line. They flowered in the spring and were much smaller, more like bushes, when Greg and Meredith had bought the house. As Greg eyed them now, he decided he actually liked them better as bushes. Cutting them back would be his next project. There was a problem though. He had no idea how to trim trees. In fact, the only thing he knew for sure about the process was that nothing in the kitchen would be able to handle the task. So he got back in his car and drove to the library.