by Julie Cannon
“What are you doing, Colby? What’s going on here? One minute you’re all over me and the next you’re running away.”
“I’m not.”
“Bullshit. At least be honest about it.”
“Elizabeth, we had some fun, but that’s all it was. I thought you understood that.”
“Whatever gave you the idea I was looking for something else? For God’s sake, Colby, I’m here on vacation. Not to find my life partner.” Elizabeth shook her head. “It’s about Gretchen, and before you say anything, let me finish,” she said, raising her hands to ward off Colby’s rebuttal. “You dropped a bomb on me, Colby. How was I supposed to react? It wasn’t as if you had a simple little breakup in your back story.”
“And just because we fucked a few times, you don’t have the right to judge,” Colby said angrily.
Colby’s harsh words stuck her like a knife. In the beginning she would have characterized it more as sex than fucking. Certainly the last few times it was much more than that—at least to her. This wasn’t the time for that kind of discussion.
“Is that what you think I did?” Elizabeth could see she would have to work hard to keep this conversation calm.
“That’s exactly what you did, judge me,” she shot back.
Elizabeth didn’t agree but didn’t say so. “I’m sorry if you took it that way, Colby. It wasn’t my intention.” Some of the anger in Colby’s eyes dissipated. “I didn’t get to where I am by being shy. I’m outspoken, and I’ll admit it’s not one of my best qualities at times. You just don’t know that about me.” Actually, Colby knew more about her than most people did. Colby took the time to talk and ask questions, pump her, challenge her intellect. Until she had done some research and discovered Colby’s history and profession, she simply thought she was inquisitive.
“No, you’re not shy,” Colby said, finally cracking a smile.
“Look, I’m here for another few weeks. I enjoy your company and I think you enjoy mine as well.” Colby nodded. “Can we just put this behind us?”
“And do what? Pick up where we left off?”
Elizabeth hesitated before answering. Was that what she wanted? A few more days and nights with Colby with nothing between them but sex? That wasn’t like her. But she hadn’t been herself practically since she set foot on this island.
“I’m not here to change your life or how you choose to live it, Colby. I’m just a woman who needed to get away from it all, and I like where you take me.” Elizabeth felt herself blush as she remembered all the places Colby had taken her.
“Look.” Elizabeth sighed, suddenly very tired. “I’m going home to my job, my life, and all the complications that go with it. I’m sorry if that sounds crass but, well, you said it yourself, it is what it is.” Elizabeth was trying to convince herself as well as Colby, and Colby was looking at her as if deciding the same thing. She imagined Colby would have that same thoughtful expression as she studied a set of lab results or the open chest of a newborn. “So, yeah, if that’s what we do, make each other feel good, so what?”
Colby wondered if she could trust Elizabeth. She ran her fingers through her hair as she tried to decide. Was it really that simple? Was she only interested in a summer fling? Elizabeth hadn’t given any indication otherwise up to this point. What made her think she would start now? Especially now with all the baggage she carried around every day out in the open. If she ever decided to venture out of her self-imposed exile, who would want her? She had given up a great career to be a beach bum. What kind of long-term ambition was that? She was quite a catch. Yeah, the kind you took one look at and threw back.
“I’m sorry I overreacted. It’s just you’re the only person I’ve told about Gretchen.”
“What about your family?”
“No. They knew Gretchen killed herself but none of the details. The coroner’s inquest was sealed. They didn’t ask and I didn’t tell.” The pang of guilt was stronger than ever this time.
Colby was relieved when Elizabeth shifted away from the painful topic. It took at least another fifteen minutes before she began to relax and let her guard down. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately with Elizabeth. Yeah, and look where it got her. Her secret was out and that genie could never go back into the bottle. What in the hell was she supposed to do with it now?
“Getting enough sun, sand, and sex?”
“Good morning to you too, Diane.” Elizabeth spoke quietly and went out to the patio, closing the doors behind her so she wouldn’t wake Colby. Another three days had passed since their discussion on the beach, and in that time they had trod lightly on topics of conversation, both preferring to communicate the old-fashioned way, with their bodies.
Elizabeth was savoring every moment in Colby’s arms. This all would end soon, and she found herself wishing the summer would last forever. She had given up on any idea of putting distance between them to ease the pain. She’d deal with it when she left. The more time she spent with Colby, the more she saw what a kind, caring person she was. No wonder she was such a good doctor. She didn’t think Colby was aware of it, but she had changed since her disclosure. She was more demonstrative, always touching Elizabeth in soft, subtle ways as if clinging to her. Was Colby trying to hold on to what they had? She told herself to stop thinking like that.
“Shit, it’s lunchtime here. You should be glad I waited this late to call. Now answer my question about sun, sand, and sex, especially the sex.”
Elizabeth laughed. It was typical for Diane to cut right to the chase. “Yes. Yes, in some interesting places, and there’s never enough.” She waited for her friend to process her answers.
“Do tell, sister.” That was Diane’s favorite phrase.
“Diane, you know I don’t kiss and tell.”
“That’s because you never did anything to talk about.”
Well, she was certainly making up for it now. The soreness in her legs confirmed it. Diane prodded her again. “She’s a surfing instructor,” Elizabeth said tentatively.
“Ooh, hot body, lots of tanned skin.”
Elizabeth smiled, picturing how she had left Colby naked, sprawled across the bed on the other side of the villa. “You can say that again.” And when Diane did, Elizabeth flushed.
“I repeat, do tell,” Diane said.
“She’s funny and charming, polite and very attentive.” That was their code for a partner that cared as much about their sexual pleasure as their own. Both she and Diane had had lovers who practically didn’t give a damn about their orgasms.
Diane inhaled sharply. “And does this wonder woman have a name?”
“Colby.”
“Mmm, very androgynous.”
Elizabeth agreed that Colby’s dark complexion, spiky hair, and chiseled body was just that, but she knew firsthand that Colby was all woman. “She’s Hawaiian and hot.”
“Why are you whispering?” Before Elizabeth had a chance to answer, Diane said, “She’s there with you now, isn’t she?”
“Yes, she’s still sleeping.” Elizabeth had woken before Colby and had lain in her arms listening to her breathe. They had been up most of the night making love, rarely saying anything more than an occasional “yes,” “right there,” and “harder” to each other.
As Colby slept, Elizabeth struggled to sort out her feelings. How much of her emotional turmoil was tied up in the fact that she was with a charming, stunningly beautiful woman in paradise? This wasn’t reality. She was on vacation, and real life had a way of staying discreetly in the background. What would it be like when everyday life was overlaid on their relationship?
What relationship? she had asked herself in the dark. This wasn’t a relationship. At least not in the way she was used to it being defined. They weren’t a couple. Hell, they weren’t even dating. What were they? She had fallen for Colby, that was definite. But Colby hadn’t indicated that she felt anything for her other than physically.
Elizabeth tried not to read anything into the way Colby had to
uched her last night. It had felt unique, more intense, her touch alternating between hot desire and sweet passion, each time melting into the time before until finally they collapsed in exhaustion. She had slept only an hour or so before waking and lying quietly so she wouldn’t disturb her lover. Could she stay? How absurd was that? She had a career, responsibilities, family, and friends. She had a contract for the next three years. She couldn’t possibly leave all that.
And do what? Serve drinks at a resort? There weren’t many jobs like hers here on the island. She would go nuts without something meaningful to do. Yeah, that and the fact that Colby hadn’t given her any indication that she wanted her to. That thought and nature had finally propelled her out of bed, and she was careful not to wake Colby.
“You go, girl!” Diane’s words bounced across the miles. She had ragged on her forever about getting out more. Getting laid was more accurate. Obviously Diane was pleased.
“As a matter of fact…” Elizabeth began teasing her.
“No, I don’t want to hear any more about it. Go back in there and give her a great big wet wake-up kiss just for me. That way when I meet her she’ll remember me.”
Elizabeth paused. “I doubt you’ll ever meet her, Diane. It’s not like we’ve fallen madly in love and will live happily ever after.” Elizabeth heard the catch in her voice. She still didn’t know when she had stupidly gone and done it. Fallen in love with a woman she couldn’t have. Maybe if she kept denying it, it would somehow mysteriously disappear. Fat chance.
“Of course not,” Diane replied. “She’s only a surf instructor, for God’s sake.”
Elizabeth didn’t like the way Diane said “surf instructor.” She made it sound low-class. Like Colby was incapable of anything else. Elizabeth knew how far from the truth that statement was. Diane was a social snob. Was she like that too?
If she was honest, she’d felt a thrill in being with a surf instructor on vacation. A little bad-girl thing. A bit decadent and risqué. It might have been like that in the beginning, but she certainly didn’t think that now.
“She’s more than a surf instructor, Diane.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing, but there’s more to Colby than just teaching people how to surf.”
Diane’s voice was serious this time. “Are you falling for her?”
“Of course not,” Elizabeth answered quickly. She wasn’t falling. She had fallen.
“Be careful, Elizabeth.”
“Diane, I am not falling for her,” Elizabeth said firmly. “You said it yourself. I needed to get out more, have fun. There’s nothing more to our relationship than sex. Well, it’s fabulous sex, but that’s it. Diane, I know what I’m doing and who I am and what my limitations are. I don’t plan to fall for someone that I have nothing in common with and who, by the way, lives thirty states away. How stupid do you think I am?” Keep saying that and eventually you might believe it, Elizabeth.
Colby eased back into the room, careful not to draw Elizabeth’s attention. Elizabeth’s words echoed in her head. “Don’t plan to fall for someone that I have nothing in common with.” Her mother had always told her nothing good came from eavesdropping. She hadn’t meant to listen in on Elizabeth’s conversation. She didn’t even know she was on the phone until she slid the door open. Elizabeth had told her the same thing a few days ago, but it sounded different when she was saying it to somebody else. It hurt. It hurt, a lot, and Colby did what she did best when in pain. She turned into herself and ran.
Her legs were unsteady. She stumbled back to the bedroom. She needed to leave, she needed to get out. She felt the same as she had once the realization of what she had done to Gretchen set in.
Elizabeth spoke when she was buttoning the top button on her shorts. “Where are you going? I’m not done with you yet.”
Her voice was soft and sexy, and Colby cursed the fact that her pulse raced with the familiar fast cadence that began whenever she was around her. She hadn’t heard Elizabeth come into the room. She reached for her shirt, hiding her shaking hands by putting it on, then turned around.
Elizabeth was propped against the doorjamb, arms crossed over her chest, looking relaxed. God, she was sexy, and Colby’s muscles tightened as they did every time she thought it.
“I have to go. There’s something I’ve gotta do this morning.” Her excuse was lame but she didn’t care.
“At seven a.m.? This is Hawaii. Nothing happens at this hour.”
Colby scooted by Elizabeth, careful not to touch any part of her. She knew well enough that she wouldn’t have the willpower to stop what her body cried out to do.
“Colby?” Elizabeth’s voice was questioning.
Colby didn’t look back and continued down the hall and out the front door.
Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. She seemed to have left every molecule of oxygen in Elizabeth’s room. Colby felt absolutely alone. Somehow, deep inside, she knew the door closing behind her symbolized much more.
Chapter Seventeen
Colby didn’t know how she got here. She hadn’t been to this place in years and never thought she’d come here again. She punched in the code to open the gate without thinking and slowly drove along the brick wall that curved to the right. The shrubs and lawn next to the long drive were neatly trimmed and gave no indication that the owner couldn’t have cared less about the condition of the prime real estate.
The familiar beeping of the security alarm went silent after Colby punched in a different set of numbers that she remembered as if she had entered them just last night. The interior of the large house smelled a bit damp and stale, as if no fresh air had drifted through it in a long time. She hadn’t been inside it for at least five years but, judging by the lack of dust and cobwebs, her attorney continued to periodically send in a cleaning crew.
She ran her fingers across the kitchen countertop, remembering the week she had the dark granite installed. The cabinetmaker had recommended a woman in Honolulu, and Colby was pleasantly surprised when she came to measure that she was a lesbian as well. Colby had sensed the woman was attracted to her and she admired the woman for keeping their relationship strictly professional. More than a few times during the remodeling of this house she had to subtly and at times not so subtly decline an invitation from other contractors for more than what she was paying for. Why did some people think you were fair game just because you were separated from your partner by a few thousand miles?
No matter how stressed or unconnected she had felt with Gretchen, she never strayed. When she committed to someone she was faithful regardless of the situation. She was never attracted to another woman the entire time she was with Gretchen and could proudly state as much even on their last days together.
Having abandoned her shoes at the door, she wandered through the rest of the house, the tile cool on her feet. She couldn’t remember many happy times. Gretchen had never really liked this house, though she liked the idea of having a three-thousand-square-foot house on a hill overlooking the Pacific Ocean to impress people with. She and Gretchen had argued about that fact so often that Colby had almost put the property up for sale. Colby had inherited the house from her favorite aunt on her father’s side when she was still in med school. That only her name was on the title had caused yet another argument, but a nagging suspicion had made her keep it that way. When she began to see Gretchen’s true nature, Colby was glad she had.
The double French doors opened easily, the curtain billowing in the soft ocean breeze. Gretchen had insisted on decorating the master bedroom; the massive four-poster canopy bed and the shades of red and gold reminded Colby more of a Las Vegas hotel room than the bedroom of two women in love. She couldn’t remember the last time she and Gretchen had made love in the big bed, or anywhere else in the house, for that matter.
She didn’t really care how that room or any of the rest of the house was decorated, preferring to focus her attention on the house’s landscaping at the time, but now it seemed gari
sh. One quick call to one of her weekly dinner mates would change all that.
After slipping her tennis shoes back on her feet, Colby grabbed the key that hung by the back door and headed for the storage shed next to the garage. She made quick work of the lock and swung the double doors open. The scent of grass and dried clippings filled her nostrils, making her feel warm, full, and exhilarated. She checked the fluids in the green lawn tractor and added two gallons of gas and a quart of oil before she settled comfortably onto the yellow seat. With a flick of a switch the engine turned over and, after sputtering a few times, settled into a rhythmic hum. She shifted into drive and edged the mower out onto the expansive green lawn.
Other than surfing, puttering around her yard was the only thing that truly relaxed her. She didn’t know how much she’d missed it until she drove the mower back and forth across the grass, deftly maneuvering around trees and shrubs. The pattern left behind the mower indicated that the grass really didn’t need more than a trim.
Her mind floated as she drove. Familiar sights, sounds, and smells cascaded around her like old friends. The sun warmed her skin and the breeze ruffled her short hair. A fly buzzed around her head. At one time she would have thought it a pest, but now it didn’t bother her. Her sunglasses kept the harshest glare out of her eyes while her ear plugs restricted the mower’s loud noise. She had always been a stickler for safety, whether it was with razor-sharp scalpels in the operating room or yard equipment at home. As a physician, her body was her livelihood. As a…what was she now? A former physician? A surf instructor? A store owner?
It dawned on Colby that she had always defined herself by her job. Her occupation had determined her self-worth as far back as she could remember. But those things really didn’t matter. Not anymore. What mattered was how you were as a person, as an individual living in the present. Did you contribute to society or simply take? Did you make the life of someone better? Did you help preserve the planet for its future inhabitants? Did you make a difference?