by Unknown
“I’d love to. How about Saturday?”
I arrived home to find Selina and Agnes peering into the largest cooking pot I’d ever seen. The entire house smelled like dog food.
“What on earth are you cooking?” I asked as I pulled off my coat and wrinkled my nose. Both women started and turned to me with guilty expressions on their faces.
“We were just trying out the new cauldron!” Agnes smiled with forced cheeriness.
I tutted and went to hang up my coat, hearing Selina and Agnes whispering furiously as soon as my back was turned. I didn’t have the energy to worry what those two were up to.
When I came back into the kitchen, I found Agnes furiously tidying up while Selina made a round of coffees.
“How was your day?” Selina asked, her back to me. Hmmm. Selina was a bad liar and the fact that she purposely had her back to me was worrying.
“Fine. Nothing to report. No incidents other than those caused by Daniel,” I said.
“How come you’re so late home?” Agnes asked as she shoved empty vials back into the packing box they had come from.
“I went for a drink with the team. By the way, I have a date on Saturday night with Jack’s brother.” I sat down casually, still alert to the fact that something was up.
Selina and Agnes looked at each other and froze.
Then Selina pushed a coffee in front of me. “That’s nice,” she said, turning away on the pretext of getting serving spoons from the drawer. “So what’s he like?”
“Absolutely gorgeous, blonde, tall, dimples, Irish, just my type!”
“I thought you preferred dark haired men.”
“Well, I’ve had a change of heart. He’s cute and he likes me and more importantly, he treats me with respect.”
“I hope you haven’t drunk too much, Lauren. You shouldn’t be casting spells under the influence!” Agnes chided, opening the one remaining package they hadn’t already delved into.
I took a drink of the coffee. “No, I’m fine, although I did leave the car at work, just in case. I’m starving, can we eat first?”
Agnes smiled and picked up the oven mits. She opened the oven and pulled out a crock pot just as Daniel materialised. He looked mad as hell and yet amazingly sexy in dark jeans and a black polo neck sweater.
“I see you’ve made it back in one piece.” He looked at me angrily.
“No thanks to you,” I said dismissively, then stood up and walked out of the room to change the clothes he had found so offensive earlier. I had no wish to sit and make small talk while he looked at me like I was a slut.
I went to my room and pulled out jeans, a t-shirt and a dark blue, argyle sweater.
I stripped off my clothes and was just pulling on the jeans when he walked in the room.
“Well, there’s a change. No materialising into my private space, but you still haven’t learned to knock,” I said disparagingly, willing my nipples to stop protruding through the lacy bra I’d chosen to wear that day. No doubt, he would consider my underwear slutty as well. I was glad I’d at least managed to pull on the jeans and hide the cheese wire underwear before he had arrived.
“I’ve come to apologise” he said, leaning against the unit and crossing his legs at the ankles. It was amazing how he managed to say that and still look mad as hell. What had I done to upset him?
“No need, you made your feelings perfectly clear. I’m sure we don’t need your services any longer, Daniel. I’ve been fine all day and as I am sure Agnes will tell you, I’m progressing well with my training.” I pulled the t-shirt over my head and reached for the sweater.
In the blink of an eye, he had his hands on my arms and was looking deeply into my eyes. I stared back in shock and felt the heat rushing to my nether regions. He smelled heavenly. Musky with a hint of almond. His eyes bore into mine and I swear I almost swooned. No way was I giving him the satisfaction.
“Despite what you think you know, Lauren, your safety is in jeopardy and I have given my word to protect you. I will protect you, even if you are an infuriating, bad-tempered harpy. You certainly take after Agnes in that department!”
His face was inches from mine and his eyes flared in temper. Despite my tangled emotions, I couldn’t help but notice… he was so hot when he was angry!
“I heard that!” Agnes shouted through the door. Bloody hell, was the woman spying on us?
I stood there and said nothing. Abigail had wrestled Jolene to the floor and was sitting on her firmly. He may be devastatingly handsome but I don’t like people who play games. His face came closer to mine and I swear I thought he was going to kiss me. Again. My best intentions went out the window and I knew that if he did, I wouldn’t stop him. His expression softened slightly, but hardened again as he pushed me away and disappeared.
“You insufferable fucking pig!” I yelled in frustration, pulling the sweater over my head and mumbling every possible insult I could think of as I listened to not one, but two pairs of feet running back down the stairs.
I returned to the kitchen to find Selina and Agnes sitting at the table, looking slightly flushed and talking about the weather. They were so transparent! Three steaming bowls of stew were ready and waiting alongside a basket of home cooked bread that Selina must have brought with her.
Selina smiled at me and picked up her spoon. “It certainly looks lovely, Agnes,” she said, putting a large spoonful in her mouth. A second later, she spat it back in the bowl.
“Agnes, what the hell did you put in this stew?” She spluttered and reached for her glass of water.
“There’s nothing in the stew you didn’t tell me to put in,” Agnes countered defiantly, reaching for her bowl and sniffing. She took a large spoonful and shoved it into her mouth, chewing and smiling as her face turned green. She swallowed then turned to Selina, grinning as her eyes streamed with tears. “See, nothing wrong with it,” she croaked, taking another spoonful.
Selina knocked the utensil out of her hand, to Agnes’ obvious relief.
I walked to the phone and called in an order of two extra-large cheese and ham pizzas with stuffed crust while Selina and Agnes argued the merits of adding Tabasco sauce and semolina to stew. God knows how long the pack of semolina had been in the cupboard. I shuddered as I put down the phone, thankful I hadn’t tasted Agnes’ first foray into alternative cuisine.
We all cleared away the plates, scraping the remains of the stew into the bin, as we discussed what our evening’s lessons would be. We’d already covered protection and healing spells. Tonight, Agnes was going to teach us how to call our familiars.
“Familiars are a bit like witches. They have powers, but their sole purpose is to serve and protect,” explained Agnes.
“A bit like the police, then?” Selina asked.
“No, and you can forget the sexy men in uniform, missy! They aren’t here to tell you what to do; they’re here to help you do whatever you ask of them, within reason.” Agnes laughed, arching her eyebrow. “They’re usually animals, mostly cats for some reason.”
“What about my Cat?” I asked Agnes. “If another animal turns up, he might get a little jealous.”
Cat was currently sitting high up on top of the cupboard, watching us. I looked up at him fondly and he gave me a dirty look and turned his head away.
Agnes looked up at him and frowned. “You shouldn’t let him climb up on the cupboards,” she tutted as she waved a tea towel at Cat who ignored her.
Selina had pulled a bottle of red wine out of the cupboard and proceeded to pour us three generous glasses. She handed one to Agnes who sniffed at it suspiciously.
“I’ve told you, we really shouldn’t be drinking and casting at the same time,” she grumbled as she downed the glass in one fell swoop.
“So every witch has a familiar?” Selina asked as she took her seat.
“Every witch is entitled to one, and that applies to you as well, as you’re now a witch in the coven. The trick is, you have to call them. A familiar attune
d to your spirit will respond once you perform the calling spell.” Agnes tilted back in her chair. “First, we need to do the cleansing ritual I taught you last time, do you remember?”
Selina and I looked at each other and smiled. This had been possibly our favourite aspect of witchcraft so far.
Selina grabbed the broom and started sweeping the floor as I pressed play on the CD player. We had adapted our ritual to include music and dancing, and within seconds, the upbeat sound of Harry Nilsson’s Coconut song filled our space. We’d borrowed the song from the film Practical Magic which we thought was apt. Selina’s hips swayed as she swept and I boogied my way around the kitchen, sprinkling oil. Agnes rolled her eyes and got up to close the curtains in an attempt to stay out of our way.
When we were ready, we all sat back down at the table, ready to learn. But after one look at Agnes, who had finished not just her wine but Selina’s as well, I strongly believed that tonight’s efforts might not turn out how we wanted!
Agnes pulled the pestle and mortar towards her, then reached over and pulled a hair out of my head just as I took a drink of my wine.
“Ow!” I complained, rubbing my scalp.
Agnes poured oil from a tiny bottle into the bowl, spilling some of it over her fingers, then added my hair. “Stop whining, sissy!” she slurred. “You need to put something personal into the mix if you want to get a familiar completely attuned to your needs.”
“Ooh, sounds saucy!” said Selina, laughing.
Agnes looked at Selina over the rim of her spectacles and gestured towards the bowl in front of her, nodding her approval as Selina added her own oil and a strand of luscious blonde hair to the mix.
Then Agnes stood up and took a brown leather-bound book from the bench. This must have been the contents of the last package because I couldn’t remember seeing it when I had first arrived home from work.
Agnes took a quill pen and ink bottle from another box and handed them to me. “This is your Book of Shadows. You need to document all of the spells you learn, so you might as well start now.”
Agnes dictated the spell to me as I wrote, trying to keep my handwriting neat, but finding it difficult using such a strange and scratchy implement.
“I don’t know what you have against a normal biro,” I complained.
Once the task was complete, Agnes had me light a tea light underneath the small bowl in which she had placed the contents, as Selina watched and copied my actions with her own bowl. We all chanted the words Agnes had had me write in the Book of Shadows. Then we waited.
We waited some more.
Nothing.
Selina looked at me, and then we both looked at Agnes expectantly.
“So what now?” I asked eventually.
Agnes was busy trying to fill another glass with wine, spilling more of it on the table than into the glass. I took the bottle away from her and placed it on top of the fridge where she couldn’t reach it.
“You’ve had enough for now, I think,” I scolded as she pushed her spectacles back up her nose and stared at me dumbfounded.
“Are you shuggesting I am drunk?” she asked, clearly offended. Just then, the doorbell went.
“Saved by the bell!” Selina shouted. The pizzas had arrived. Not before time. I was starving and I definitely needed to get some food into Agnes to soak up the alcohol!
I grabbed my bag and fished for my purse as Selina opened the door to a spotty looking kid who looked no more than fifteen.
“Hey sexy,” he said, looking Selina up and down. “Seventeen pounds and forty pence to pay but for a kiss, I can knock it down to a tenner!” he eyed her hopefully over the top of the boxes.
Selina snorted and walked back into the kitchen while I thrust a twenty at him and grabbed the boxes. “Keep the change and save up for charm school, you need it!” I said, slamming the door in his face.
“Well, all is not lost,” Selina said, as she pulled fresh plates from the cupboards. “At least we’ve had a bit of fun!”
We ate our pizzas and finished off the wine. Selina and Agnes chatted back and forth as I let my thoughts drift back to Daniel. How could someone who set my soul on fire be so bloody obnoxious?
At that moment, a movement in the corner of the kitchen caught my attention and I froze, eyes darting around to find out what it was.
Before I could even alert the others, a monstrous rat sauntered around the side of the unit and marched into full view. I screamed as Selina and I jumped up onto our chairs, and Agnes managed, after three failed attempts to lift her leg, to finally climb up on hers. The rat, unperturbed by all the screaming, walked to the middle of the floor. Cat spotted it and vaulted from the top of the cupboards to land with the grace of a seasoned gymnast between us, hissing and back arching for all he was worth. Bless! He was trying to protect me! Shame really, because the rat was twice his size and just looked at him, bored.
I jumped down and grabbed the broom to give it a good whack when Agnes, like a pro rugby player, shouted “Noooo!” and launched herself across the room, pinning me to the floor.
“That could be your familiar, you can’t hurt it,” she said panting and struggling to get her breath. She rolled off me and then, commando style, crawled across the floor on her elbows, her body fishtailing behind her, until she was directly in front of the offensive creature. She glared at the rat intently. The rat looked back, bored.
“Show yourself, fucker!” she snarled, staring the creature out over the top of her spectacles.
I watched in horror as the rat began to balloon in size, its edges blurring and its dimensions shifting. A flash of light so bright had me covering my eyes and when I looked again, a red-headed woman, head to toe in black leather and with hair down to her arse stood before us, inspecting her nails.
She. Was. Stunning.
And I hated her on sight.
6 - Facing the challenge
“This is my familiar?” I asked, dumbfounded. “I thought it would be male!” I wanted it to be male! In fact, I wanted it to be anything other than the goddess standing before me. Talk about feeling inadequate as a woman!
“Believe me, hot stuff, a man couldn’t do for you what I can,” she winked suggestively, looking at me with her deep, purple eyes as she sashayed to the table and straddled a chair.
Selina, wary our new guest might ‘turn rat’ at any moment, climbed cautiously down from her own chair. “Crikey Moses, it worked Agnes!” she said in shock.
Agnes climbed up off the floor, using the third chair as leverage.
“Yes, you can all sleep soundly in your beds. Natalia is here to protect you,” the red headed raven smiled and reached for my wine glass. What was it with the supernatural and my drinks? She grimaced and put the glass back down.
Cat stopped hissing and sauntered over to Natalia, sniffing her legs. Natalia scooped him up and rubbed the fur under his chin. He looked about as comfortable as I did as he struggled to free himself from her grasp, finally digging his claws in her legs until she let go and he could run from the room.
“So! What’s happening?” asked Natalia, staring expectantly at our bewildered faces.
I picked myself up off the floor as Agnes filled her in on my new witch status and the problem of the three witch finders who were after me.
“Now, what I want to know from you,” Agnes poked Natalia in the chest, “...is what can you do to help? And which one of these two are you here for?”
Natalia looked at me and answered. “You call me, I am here but to serve,” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “Now, I’ve got a question for you.” She leaned across the table and stared deep into my eyes. Oh God, was she coming on to me?
“Got any beer?”
I shook my head in frustration and walked to the fridge, retrieving a beer from the depths and throwing it across the room at her. She caught it in mid-air and stood it on the table to settle.
“And what can you protect me from? Chipped nail polish?” I asked snidely.
I lay awake in bed that night, trying to drown out the sounds of the television blaring from the living room and the even worse sound of Agnes snoring in the kitchen where she had passed out from all the alcohol. By the looks of things, Natalia was a night owl. I was going to have to take the batteries out of the remote tomorrow, if I wanted any peace.
Selina’s familiar hadn’t turned up, but I strongly suspected that the spell had gone wrong in ways we hadn’t anticipated as half of the animals from the neighbourhood had trotted off after her car when she left.
I thought about Samuel, and as wrong as it was, compared him unfavourably to Daniel. Daniel, whose type I wasn’t and who thought I dressed like a slut. Still, it wasn’t really fair on Samuel to go on a date when I was constantly thinking about another man. Perhaps I shouldn’t go after all. Then I thought about those dimples and smiled. The image in my mind instantly morphed from Samuel to Daniel and I frowned, cross with myself. I pictured Samuel in my mind again, how he’d laughed and snorted Guinness up his nose. Again, the memory morphed to Daniel, when he had looked like he was going to kiss me and I so wished he had. Those beautiful eyes and those lush, full lips. I ached to taste him. Lusting after someone who drove you nuts half the time was liable to drive a person insane. Bloody hell, I couldn’t get the man out of my head. I tried again and Samuel came back again.
I lay with my arms behind my head and looked over at Cat. “What do you think? Should I date dimples?”
He jumped down from the seat and left the room.
By Thursday morning, I was demented. My new familiar had a penchant for beer, football, and trying on my designer clothes. Still, at least she wasn’t shitting in my cupboards. She also had a habit of sitting up all night watching sports channels, and as it turned out, she could swear better than Agnes. So far, she had resisted all attempts to train her to become a useful familiar. As a test run, she’d been given chores by Agnes that included my laundry and shopping. My clothes were now Barbie pink and the fridge was full of beer.