I figured out how to hold the pills under my tongue until I could go to the bathroom. Sometimes it wouldn’t work because the nurse was slow in leaving my room. Then they’d go all chalky in my mouth and I’d have to swallow. But other times the nurse was in a hurry to leave. Then I could get to the bathroom to spit them into the toilet.
Today was the day Dr. Chance promised I could eat in the cafeteria. At this point I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave my room. I had no idea as to what was out there. Sometimes I’d hear people yelling, or there would be loud clangs. Other times laughter would be followed by plaintive wails. The noise never stopped. At night there was a lot less, but abrupt screams or wailing often punched right through my sleep. I’d sit up wondering where I was, and then I’d remember.
The door to my room opened. I thought it was going to be James or Dan, another orderly, bringing me breakfast, but it was the old man in the Santa hat and green bathrobe. He had an unused trash bag draped over one arm.
He waved a finger in the air. “Good morning, young prince!”
I wasn’t sure what to say back. He didn’t seem to care either way.
“Ah, I am so glad to see you awake. Normally you are in the deep sleep when I come to change out your trash.” He went to went over to the trashcan and began pulling the bag loose.
“Who are you?”
He stopped and looked up at me at the same time his glasses slid to the end of his nose. “Me?” The man in the Santa hat leaned back, glancing out the door before rushing forward. “You don’t know who I am?”
“No.”
His blue eyes widened. “Really?”
“Really.”
“I thought everyone knew who I was. You must be from far away. A different kingdom perhaps? What is your name, young prince?”
“Jack, but I’m not a prince.”
He gasped and his gray eyes widened. “Then you must be a knight!”
“No.”
“No?”
“I’m just Jack.”
“Just Jack.”
“Yes.”
“Well Just Jack, I am the great and powerful Gromwaldengreenwich. Grom for short.” He took a straw out of his pocket and waved it at me. “Shall I turn you into a toad?”
I laughed. “No, thank you.”
He frowned. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
“Mr. Greenwich!” We both looked up. Dan stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his massive chest. He was even wider than James. “What task are you supposed to be doing right now?”
Grom looked at his straw then back at Dan. “I was going to turn Just Jack into a toad.”
Dan pointed at the trashcan and Grom snatched the unused bag off his arm. “Oh yes, of course, the trash.” He put his straw back in his pocket and toddled over to the trashcan. He finished with the garbage and winked at me as he left.
Dan walked over. “And how are you this morning?”
I wondered if he was going to make me wear the straps again. “I didn’t do anything. I was just talking to him.”
“Of course you didn’t do anything, that’s why Dr. Chance has sent me down here to take you to the dayroom.”
The dayroom. It sounded like a distant planet far, far away. Or maybe like Grom had said, a whole other kingdom.
He motioned to the door. “Do you want to go?”
I did, and I didn’t. I slid off the bed. Most of the bruises had faded and all my cuts had scabbed over so it didn’t hurt so much to move around anymore, but I was still stiff and tended to limp. Dan followed me out into the hall. A living mountain shadowing my steps. His cologne clashed with the stark scent of bleach.
He stepped up beside me. “They’re serving biscuits and gravy in the cafeteria.”
“Am I allowed in the cafeteria?”
His laugh was deep. “Of course, it’s right next door to the dayroom.”
The bathroom had been right next to my bed but I hadn’t been allowed in there. Having the privacy of doing your business was a privilege. I guess because the food was so bad here they didn’t consider going to the cafeteria a prize.
At the end of the hall we went through a set of double doors. A tidal wave of noise washed over me. There were people everywhere. The rise and fall of voices combined to create a symphony of wild untamed sounds. Words broke through sounding disjointed and lost. The dayroom was nothing more than a jungle made of human bodies.
There were bars on the windows and the room smelled like piss. The ammonia aftertaste burned my nose hairs. People wandered in circles or huddled in lumps on the mismatched furniture. Some of them had their faces upturned. Others stared at the walls, eyes glazed. Two women in the corner fought over a stuffed toy. Slapping, hitting, pulling each other’s hair. The redhead won and the blonde burst out crying.
Dear God, was this how Emma saw me?
Dan said, “Your first session with Dr. Chance will be tomorrow around noon.”
I barely heard him. “I don’t belong here.” I was nothing like these people.
“It’s okay, Jack. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
I looked at him. I begged him with my eyes. “Please, I want to go home.”
Dan gave my shoulder a push. “You’ll be fine. Go on, walk around and say hello. And don’t forget about breakfast.”
Dan left me standing there in the swirl of bodies. It felt like the river all over again.
I edged my way over to the TV. The Mary Tyler Moor show was on. An obscenely long couch the color of tomato soup cut a path through the sitting area. It was empty so I perched myself on the edge. The vinyl surface squeaked.
“You!” The scream was so loud I jumped. “You! You! You!” The woman stormed across the room elbowing people out of her way. Her hair was matted and her eyes bulged, making her expression feral. She wailed like an injured animal, and pointed a black stained finger at me. “You! You!” Spit foamed in the corners of her mouth. Her lips drew back in a snarl, flashing crooked broken teeth. Even from several feet away I could smell her sour skin and rank breath.
I backed away. “What do you want?”
“YOU!” She shook her fists at me and I scurried over the back of the sofa to get away. The woman’s expression went from angry to soft and woeful. She pulled out a stained cloth from her pocket and began wiping down the couch.
“She’s kind of attached to the couch.” Grom patted me on the shoulder. “I see you have come down from your tower, young prince. So nice of you to join us.”
“I’m not a prince.”
He snapped his fingers. “Yes, I forgot. You are a knight. Just Jack the knight.”
“No, no. I’m not a knight.”
“Of course not.” He winked and put a finger to his lips. “Incognito. I completely understand. Are you hungry?”
I was, but the food here was hardly edible. “Maybe I should go back to my room.”
“Nonsense, we will need our strength.” He took my hand and pulled me towards the dining room.
The serving line, with its silver tubs of food and ladies standing behind them wearing hairnets, reminded me of the lunch line at school. Grom put a plastic tray in my hand and ushered me toward the flow of people. Food was slopped into the divided sections of each person’s tray as they moved down the line. None of it looked like biscuits.
Grom stopped to stare at the containers of white. Everything was white, even the eggs. “I shall have the roast, young lady, but no peas.” He looked at me. “I detest peas.” The woman piled a spoon full of pale sludge onto his plate. Chunks made lumps in the gravy.
I’d found the biscuits.
Grom lifted his tray to his chin and inhaled. “Ah, smells wonderful. As always milady, thank you.”
With trays brimming in a soupy mix of biscuits, gravy and eggs we made our way to the tables. Grom sat and so did I. He hummed while he ate. Bits of clumpy gravy got trapped in his beard. I spooned up some eggs and they dripped
like honey back to the tray. This wasn’t food. I didn’t know what it was, but it shouldn’t be eaten. I pushed the plate away.
Grom said something, spraying bits of egg back on his tray. “Aren’t you hungry?”
I was. “No.”
He shrugged and scooped up another bite of mush. “When we’re done here, I shall take you around the village.” I watched the people filling up the room. “I shall introduce you to all the people here, Just Jack. It’s important that you know where it’s safe and not safe. The valleys are full of ogres.”
I looked at him. “Ogres?”
“Yes. Most of the time they are okay but if you make them angry they shall unleash the water spirits upon you. You can never trust the ogres no matter how nice they seem.” He leaned toward me and some gravy dripped on the table. “They all work for the Grand Duke of Abalone.”
“Isn’t that a shellfish?”
His bushy eyebrows came down. “What?”
“Abalone.”
Grom’s smile was kind. “Of course not my son, he’s a wizard. A very fierce wizard I might add. A practitioner of the darkest arts. All powerful. All knowing. He controls the ogres with just a few spoken words.” He waved his spoon around. “But one day I will defeat him. One day I will free my beloved Sarah of the Sunflowers from his clutches and we shall ride off into the sunset together.”
“Who’s Sarah of the…Who’s Sarah?”
“The princess, of course.” He jabbed a spoon at my tray. “If you’re not going to eat that, may I have it? I have spells to cast and fire demons to battle. I need my strength.”
I pushed it over to him. Grom dug in.
In between bites he said, “You know, I could use a good knight on my quest. Or in your case, a not-so-knight.” He held up a spoon full of mush and it slid down the handle and over his thumb. “Are you sure you don’t want to try this? I have to say the roast is particularly delightful today.”
“No thank you.” I looked around, hating my sister for putting me in here. Hating the river for not doing its job. If I could’ve, I would have stuck a fork in Emma’s eye. I did not belong here with these crazy people, talking in tongues and cursing at the walls.
I stood.
“Where are you going?” Grom wiped his mouth on his sleeve, adding another layer to the thick crust already there.
I wanted to tell him home, but I didn’t think I’d ever see home again. “Back to my room.” At least there I didn’t have to look at the madness surrounding me.
I made my way through the crowd of people. A man wearing a diaper and nothing else bumped into me. I backed up and a woman thrust a doll head into my face. I slapped it away. Someone else grabbed my shirt and panic sent me surging through a group of chairs. I tripped and more hands scrabbled for a hold of me. I broke free and the people went back to doing whatever crazy people do, and acting like I didn’t exist.
I had to get out of here. Only there was no way out. Locked doors, men in white, bars on the window. I wanted to scream. Scream for someone to help me. But then I’d get in trouble and I’d have to go to the toilet while someone watched.
I hugged myself, wondering how long it would be before I did go mad, until I was screaming at night, throwing bed pans and shitting in my pants. I turned to leave and noticed a boy about my age standing in the breakfast line watching me. His blue eyes were as big as headlights. Like me, he had on scrubs, but wore long johns under his top. Just as he smiled at me, a man beside him shoved him out of the line. “Move! You’re holding up the train!” The boy went tumbling to his knees. His tray clattered to the floor.
I went to help him up. “You okay?” He stared at the tile but nodded. I offered him my hand and he shook his head. “Let me help you.” He froze. I knelt down and picked up his tray. “Are you sure you’re all right?” His lips moved but I couldn’t hear what he said. I leaned closer.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“You’re welcome.”
He took the tray. I offered my hand again, and this time he took it. The cuff of his long johns pulled up and I could see a web of scars on the back of his hand. I noticed more along his neck. He caught me staring and looked away.
“What’s your name?”
He shook his head and pointed at the line.
“I didn’t mean to be rude. Please tell me your name.” He seemed normal. Well, almost normal.
His gaze came up and he leaned closer, close enough that his whisper was warm against my ear. “Noah.” I turned my head and his face was so close I could see green specks in the blue of his eyes. I wondered why he was here and where had he gotten the scars.
Noah stepped away and got back in line.
I watched him, but when he didn’t look at me anymore I went to my room.
Chapter Four
“What would you like to talk about today?” Dr. Chance tapped his pen against his bottom lip.
The old chair I sat in was big. There were holes in the arms, and the fabric of the seat was frayed. I wrapped my arms around my knees. “I don’t know.” Why would Dr. Chance ask me anyways? He was the one who wanted to talk. I was perfectly happy sitting in my room.
“I thought you might have a few things on your mind you’d like to share.”
I had plenty.
He shifted in his seat and the vinyl squeaked a protest. “I want you to know that you’ve done really well over the past two weeks and I am very proud of the progress you’ve made so far.”
“Does that mean I can go home?”
He smiled. “No, not yet.”
Of course not. I picked at some lint sticking between my toes.
“How come you don’t wear the shoes we give you?”
I shrugged.
“Did you go barefoot a lot at home?”
“Yeah.”
“Does going barefoot remind you of home?”
Did it? I shrugged again and stared out the window. The sky was blue today. A brilliant clear blue normally reserved for crisp fall days. It would be May soon. Momma’s birthday was on the tenth. We used to pick the daffodils and put them in vases around the house. Sometimes I would sneak and get some of the fancy Irises from the neighbor’s yard. Momma didn’t approve but she’d compliment on how pretty they were. The violet mixed with the yellow made the petals on both flowers glow. God, how momma would smile when she looked at them.
“Jack?”
“Yeah.”
“What are you thinking about right now?”
I didn’t mean to, but somehow the word slipped out. “Momma.”
“Tell me about her.”
She was perfect: smart, strong, brave. She never dwelled on my failures but always encouraged me to do better. She was proud of me. She loved me. She accepted why I had to be Jack and stood between me and the world that refused to understand. I could sooner explain all those things as I could the mysteries of the universe. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“Really.”
“That’s what I said.”
Dr. Chance wrote in his note book. The pen made a scratching sound against the paper. “Jack.”
I sighed and gave him my attention.
“Tell me why you jumped off the bridge.”
I stared at my toes some more but there was no more lint to pick out from between them. I wiggled them instead.
“It’s important you communicate with me. Communication is a requirement and meeting the requirements will earn you privileges.”
“I want to go home.” I wanted to go anywhere but here.
“We’ll discuss that later. Now tell me why you jumped off the bridge.”
“Can I at least have my bindings?”
“Your what?”
“For my chest. My bindings.”
“To hide your breasts?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t like your breasts?” He waited for me to answer.
Did I? “It feels wrong.”
“Having breasts?”
“Yes.”
“I see.” He clicked his pen. “Now tell me about the bridge.”
“Can I have my bindings?”
“We’ll discuss that later. The bridge please.”
Why did I jump? I wanted to get away from Emma, but now I was trapped in a worse way. “I don’t know.”
“You have to have some idea. You scared your family pretty bad.”
I frowned. “I don’t have any family.”
“You don’t?”
“No.”
“What about your sister Emma, and your brother-in-law Jonathan?”
“Like I said, I don’t have any family.”
He wrote some more and I wondered what he could be scribbling. “Tell me about the bridge and why you jumped off it.”
“I wanted to get away.”
“From who?”
“Emma.”
“Why?”
“She thinks there’s something wrong with me.”
“And what would that be?”
“I don’t want to wear dresses and I don’t want to be called Jacqueline.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not a girl.”
His gaze came up for a moment but his expression revealed nothing. Dr. Chance went back to marking in his notebook.
“What are you writing?”
Dr. Chance looked up. “The things you tell me.”
“Why?”
“To help you.”
“I don’t need any help.”
He smiled and took off his glasses. Dr. Chance looked younger without them. He set them on the desk. “I think this is enough for one day. You did really well.”
“Can I leave now?”
“You can, but I thought you might like to discuss moving into a new room.”
I sat back down. “A new room?”
“I’d like to move you into the main wing and out of the observation area.”
“What does that mean?”
“Your room will be on the outside wall. You’ll be able to see the garden, and your door will be unlocked.”
The idea of a window and the ability to go in and out of my room whenever I pleased shouldn’t have been so exciting, but it was. “When?”
“This afternoon if you like.”
To have a room. To see the sun? “Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”
JACK Page 4