He put my hand over his heart.
“Yeah. I know. I know.”
Noah moved to kiss me again and it pressed his groin against me. He glanced down. His cheeks turned red and he backed up. I watched the urge to run and the need to stay battle it out by the expression on his face.
I didn’t want him to run. No matter what. I pretended not to notice the change in his body. “Show me what you were drawing.”
He glanced at the bed. I went over and sat down. When I picked up his notebook I didn’t open it and held it out to him.
Noah inched his way over and sat down, leaving a space between us. I closed it.
“It’s okay.”
He covered up his lap with the drawing pad.
“Show me what you were drawing.”
Paper crinkled and pages of familiar faces flipped by. He stopped toward the end. The lines were heavy and yet smooth. I could see his anger in them and at the same time the gentleness that made him who he was. The naked figure stood in various poses; sitting, standing, arms up, arms out, walking as if they didn’t have a care in the world.
I recognized myself, even in those simple lines. My long neck, my funny ears, how my hair was just beginning to grow back. My shoulders, my back, hips, legs.
My feet.
But instead of the swell of breasts and an empty place between my legs, Noah had drawn me as a boy.
I didn’t realize I was touching the paper until the graphite smeared. I jerked my hand way. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
Noah put my hand back on the sheet and guided my fingers over the lines. They blurred, but not enough to compromise the shape. Hand over hand, he led my fingertip over every inch of the outside line. His skin against my skin, our warmth shared. Together we traced the shape of my body, but not the parts that had been changed. And I knew why. Not because it was wrong, but because it just didn’t matter.
I stared at the drawings with no idea what to say. Noah had done what I couldn’t. He’d done what no one else could. He’d captured my real reflection. He’d made me who I felt like I was.
When he stopped his lips moved but I couldn’t hear him, so I leaned closer.
“I see you, Jack.”
Yeah, he did.
Chapter Eleven
The mirror in Dr. Chance’s office had been replaced by a dressing blind. It looked innocent enough.
I knew better.
“Jacqueline, come sit down, I’d like to try something new today.”
There was a new hole in the arm of the chair. It had been doctored with a strip of duct tape.
Dr. Chance picked up a crisp paper bag off the floor near his feet and handed it to me.
“What’s this for?”
“Look inside.”
I pulled out a bra. There was a pair of panties still in the bottom. I put it back in the bag and tried to hand it back. “Thank you, but I don’t want them.”
“They’re yours.”
“I don’t want them.”
“I want you to put them on.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not wearing things like that. I won’t wear things like that.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
I stopped. I was not going to keep playing this game with him. I pushed the bag off my lap and to the floor.
Dr. Chance said nothing while he wrote in his book. When he was done he closed it. “You can leave.”
I started to run for the door, but he never let me leave early. All sessions were a minimum of fifteen minutes and sometimes thirty. Even if all I did was stare out the window.
“We’re done?”
“We’re done. You can go back to your room.” Dr. Chance didn’t really sound angry, as he did emotionless.
I sat back down in the chair. “We’re not going to talk?”
“I don’t want to talk to you, Jack. You can return to your room.”
He hadn’t called me Jack in weeks. I knew then something was wrong. Bad wrong. I couldn’t move. I was too afraid to move.
He stopped reading the file in his hand and looked up at me. “Why are you still here?”
“Why are you sending me away?”
“You don’t want to wear the undergarments. You’re firm in your conviction. I can respect that. So until you are ready to wear them you will remain in your room.”
Remain. That meant the same thing as stayed. “All day?”
“All day every day.”
“What about meals?”
“They will be brought to you.”
“I can’t go into the garden?”
“The garden is a privilege. It’s something you have to earn. I told you when you first came here, if you did as you were told, you would earn privileges. You may choose to not do as I ask, but when you do, your privileges are taken away.”
“Can I at least go in the dayroom?”
“Staying in your room means just as it sounds.”
I stared at the bag on the floor wishing he’d just hit me instead. I picked it up. They were nice underclothes. Nothing cheap. The tag dangled off the end of the bra. I had a feeling Emma probably bought them.
What would it hurt to put them on?
Nothing. But I knew how it would make me feel. All the wrong parts, all the incorrect pieces on my body, would be emphasized.
I put the bag down and stood up. I’d made it to the door when I thought about Noah. He’d be all alone. What if it stormed? And Grom? Jonas was supposed to be here in a few days. I’d promised to talk with him.
“How long will I have to wear them?”
“A day.”
“Just a day?”
“Twenty-four hours.”
“No longer?”
“You have my word.”
I told myself it wouldn’t be so bad. It was only a day. A day to give Dr. Chance what he wanted and keep my freedom. A day to sacrifice and remain with Noah. One stupid day.
I had to do this.
His chair squeaked when he turned around. “But there is one requirement.”
I paused with my hand on the bag and a sinking feeling in my stomach. “What?”
“You will get rid of the bindings.”
“What?”
“I’ve known about them since you first made them. The laundry personnel alerted me to the torn sheet you turned in. I chose to ignore it and told the nurses and orderlies to do the same unless you tried to use the bindings to hurt yourself.”
“But you said I only had to wear the bra for a day.”
“I did.”
“Why can’t I keep my bindings?”
“Because you are using them to deny who you are. Who you are meant to be.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.” He clicked his pen and slid it back into his shirt pocket. “Now hurry up and make your decisions, Jack. I have other patients to see.”
*** *** ***
I felt sick. I felt like I’d had my body stolen from me. I lay on my bed with my arms over my chest. As if it hadn’t of been bad enough to have the fabric pushed between my legs and hugging my groin. Now I had more cupping my breasts and shaping them into bumps. It all served to remind me of what I was trying so hard to forget.
The fragile peace I’d come to have with my physical body was gone. It was winning and my mind couldn’t stand the thought of losing.
I’d never hated my body before. I’d never been forced to.
I hated it now.
Noah sat down beside me and put a hand on my shoulder. We were supposed to go out into the garden. Noah was going to draw and I was going to watch. I’d been worried about losing my freedom if I didn’t put on the underwear and even though I’d complied, I’d lost it because now I didn’t want to leave my room. I didn’t want people to see me. I didn’t want to see myself.
I tightened my arms around my body, squeezing as hard as I could, flattening my chest,
trying to make it normal again.
He laid his cheek close to my temple and I could feel his breath against my ear. Slow, calm, soothing.
“I don’t know what to do.” I shook my head.
Noah lay down in front of me. His palms were hot against the sides of my face.
“I feel like I’m disappearing.”
Noah’s gaze shifted down, then back up.
“Dr. Chance made me wear a bra. I didn’t want to. But he said if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to leave my room.”
Noah bit his lip.
“Twenty-four hours.”
He smiled.
“But after that I can’t have my bindings anymore. I have to wear the bra or nothing.”
Noah held me and the battle between my body and mind stilled.
“I want to cut everything off.” Saying the words frightened me, but knowing I meant them was terrifying.
Noah held me tighter.
“Cut it all off. Then no one can make me wear a bra.”
He put his lips closer to my ear. “You’re still Jack.”
“I feel ashamed.”
“Why?”
“Everyone will stare at me. Everyone will know and they’ll laugh. I hear them in my head, Noah. I hear Dr. Chance telling me what I feel is wrong, what I look like is right. I don’t want this body anymore. I want it gone. I want to be a boy. Why can’t I just be a boy? I could make it all go away before, but now I will have to look at myself. I don’t want to look at myself. I hate it!”
Noah pulled away and his expression was serious. For the first time in a long time I wasn’t sure what he was thinking.
He sat up and I thought he was going to leave. “I’m sorry, please don’t go.”
He shook his head.
Noah sat there for some time not looking at me. Then his hands curled into the hem of his tunic. He took it off. He stared down at the long underwear he had on. He ran a hand over his chest, then down his arm. Noah took a breath and closed his eyes. He pulled off the long johns.
I’d only seen his scars the one time right after the ETC. Now that I wasn’t worried about him never remembering me, they seemed even worse. Like wax splattered against his skin.
I sat up beside Noah and watched him stare down at himself. His hand trembled when he touched the scars stretched across his skin. They were brutal, and gruesome. I didn’t think they hurt when he touched them, but there was still pain in his eyes.
Noah picked up his scrub top and put it on. The scars were even more noticeable against the gray.
“You don’t have to do that.”
He nodded.
“Why?”
He put a hand over my heart.
*** *** ***
We were at dinner and Grom was late. He arrived with bulging pockets and the biggest smile I’d ever seen.
“How are you, young knight, and my brave apprentice?” He sat and began shoveling his food into his mouth.
“I’m fine.”
Noah nodded.
“Muud.” Grom promptly lost a mouthful of potatoes. He wiped his chin then his beard. “I mean good.”
Noah nudged me and gestured toward his lips.
“Noah wants to know what you’re so happy about.”
Grom laughed spraying a bite of cornbread. “I, my boy, have finally done it!”
Noah and I looked at each other. “What?”
“I have completed my greatest spell ever. The most complex of complex.”
Noah’s eyebrows went up.
I said, “What kind of spell?”
Grom jabbed a finger in the air. “That is a secret. It won’t be for long. I will show you, but first I need one last ingredient.”
We waited. Grom ate.
I scooted forward. “The spell, Grom. Tell us about the spell.”
“A secret!” He opened his carton of milk and stuffed the rest of his cornbread inside.
“We can keep a secret.”
He stopped and squinted at me from behind his glasses. One side was missing a lens. I had no idea how long it had been gone. “I don’t know whether or not I should tell you.”
“Grom.”
“You are my trusty knight then?”
“Yes.”
“And you…” He waved his spoon at Noah. “Are my apprentice?”
Noah nodded.
“Then you know you are sworn to secrecy.”
“Yes, yes, we won’t tell anyone.”
“You must help me get the last item first. I will tell you when the spell is complete. I will even show you!”
I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. “I thought you said it was finished.”
“It is.”
“But you said you needed something else.”
“I do.”
“Grom, you’re not making any sense.”
“Just Jack, have I ever made sense to you?” Right then he was so serious, so un-Grom. I sat back. I crossed my arms over my chest. Not because I was angry, but because I felt exposed. He smiled and the action transformed him. “One ingredient. That’s all I ask. A simple, simple thing. A very short quest.”
Noah nodded.
Grom clapped his hands, sloshing cornbread and milk everywhere. “That’s my boy!” He looked at me. “What about you, Just Jack?”
If Noah was going, then so was I.
*** *** ***
Standing at the end of the hall looking into the dayroom, Grom told us about the quest. I didn’t care what Grom said, the task was not going to be easy and it could land all three of us into losing our privileges.
“What do you need a key for?”
He waggled a finger in my face. “Not just any key. I need The Key. The one to all kingdoms, the one to the faraway land.”
“What for?”
“To complete the spell.”
“They’ll know.”
“I only need it for a night, a single night. No one will notice it being gone.”
I didn’t believe that for a minute. Worse was the idea of something happening to him if he escaped. “You can’t walk out of here.” Even with a key there were guards and orderlies.
“I’m not going to walk out of here. I have no intentions of doing any such thing. This is for my spell and nothing more!”
“You swear?” Noah made an X over his heart. And I added, “Cross your heart?”
Grom crossed his heart. “I swear to you, Just Jack, everything I have said is true. Now pay attention.”
He peeked around the corner and pointed to the man mopping the floor. He was here every night with his bucket of lemon scented cleaner trying to erase the stench of piss and human despair.
Grom nodded. “There, see that key ring?”
I did. There must have been a hundred keys on the thick metal loop. “Grom, it’s impossible.”
“No it isn’t.”
“We’ll get caught.”
“You promised me, young knight. You promised if I told you, you would help me.” His hand squeezed my arm.
“I just don’t want to wind up locked in my room.” Noah tugged on my hand. “Neither does Noah.”
“We won’t.” Grom turned his attention back to the custodian. “Now watch.”
The man walked his bucket past us and stopped at another door. He took the key ring off his belt and unlocked it, leaving the key with the ring stuck in the knob.
“Why does he do that?”
“His supplies are in a closet just around the corner. He doesn’t want to make two trips so he needs both hands. He’s grown soft in his ways, Just Jack. Let this be a lesson. Always be diligent and never lend your trust to those who do not deserve it.”
The custodian propped the door open with a small triangle of wood and pushed his bucket through the door. I could see the length of tiles leading to the water room. It was like staring into the mouth of hell.
Noah backed up, face white.
“We can’t.”
Grom glared. “You promised!”
&n
bsp; “Noah’s scared and I don’t want to go in there.”
“You won’t have to go inside.” Grom fiddled with his pockets and pulled out his straw. “I’ll put the custodian in a sleep and you, young knight, will ride in and snatch the key.”
“Grom, if we take that key they will notice.”
“We don’t need that key.” He pointed with his straw. “See the one at the end, the one on its own ring?”
“We’re too far away.”
“Then trust me, it’s there. I’ve held those keys in my hand. I know it’s there. On the end, and the ring is flimsy. All you’d have to do is snatch it off.”
“Grom…”
He put a hand on my shoulder and begged me with a look. “I need you to do this one thing for me. Help me complete this one quest. Afterward if you want you can give the key back. Tell them you found it if you want. Please, Jack. Help me.”
They way he stared at me made it impossible for me to tell him no. “Fine.”
“Good lad!” He grinned.
The custodian came out the door, arms loaded with rolls of paper towels and packages of toilet paper. He restocked his cart then retrieved his keys.
He went past us pushing his cart.
I looked at Grom. “When do we do it?”
“Tomorrow. It’s the day before visitation day and he will be extra busy cleaning the visiting room.”
Chapter Twelve
Noah and I played checkers in the dayroom. One of the nurses had bought him a cheap set from the dime store. Instead of milk caps there were actual red and black pieces. For once, my pile was bigger than his.
“You’re letting me win.”
He shook his head.
“Yes you are.” I did a triple jump. “See, you’re letting me win.”
He started to laugh, and then his gaze flicked over my shoulder. I looked to see a loose group of young people dressed in white coats. They all carried clipboards or notebooks and were following Dr. Chance around like baby ducks. He spoke and they scribbled.
“Who are they?”
Noah leaned over the table. “Students.”
“From where?” He pointed to the silhouette of the hospital. “Doctors?”
“Students.” He cleared his throat. “They come every year.”
“For how long?”
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