He nodded.
I waited for him to speak and he didn’t. I caught his hand. “C’mon, we should go back before the storm gets bad.” When I tugged his hand he didn’t move. “Noah?”
Noah reeled me in until I could hear his whisper. “The voices told her to set me on fire.”
*** *** ***
I barely heard the storm. My mind was on other things. Jonas, Grom, and what it would be like to have a madwoman as a mother. Someone capable of hurting me. I couldn’t do it.
With the storm gone, there was only the sounds of the night to keep me company. Inside the hospital that meant the occasional screams, moans, the squeak of shoes against the tile, and Noah, breathing close to my ear.
I closed my eyes, counting his breaths. These was times I cherished—the chance to feel him, all the lines and planes, to inhale his scent, male and slightly musky—and loathed because I was made aware of all the parts of me that were nothing like him. Some nights when we slept like this I’d think if I could just hold him long enough I could somehow change all the things about myself I had come to hate.
But every morning I woke up with the same body I’d fallen asleep with.
Noah moved and his groin pressed against my thigh. I was used to the feel of firm flesh when he woke up in the morning, but somehow this was different, but I didn’t know why. Maybe because it was still dark. Or maybe it was because there was so little between us now. I liked hardness against me and how warm it felt.
I stayed still so I wouldn’t wake him, but his breathing changed. Noah tensed and I held him tighter so he wouldn’t pull away. “It’s okay.”
He relaxed and his hand moved up my back. His fingers pushed into my hair. He turned his head and our lips brushed.
“What does it feel like?”
Noah shook his head.
“Bad? Good? I want to know.”
Silence.
“Please tell me.”
“Why?”
“I want to know.” I moved, rubbing my thigh against his groin, and he gasped. “Noah?”
“Good.” His hand tightened against the back of my head. “Please.”
“Please what?”
He shook his head.
“Please what, Noah? Tell me.”
His breath shuddered. “Touch me.”
“How?”
His hand found mine and he moved it between us down the front of his pants. I could feel all of him now, soft like velvet, pressed against my palm. The length of flesh longer than my hand and firm, it twitched like something alive. Noah rocked, pushing himself through my fingers.
His hand over mine tightened, the strength in his grip startled me. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t. Please, Jack. Please…”
I gripped him tighter and felt his body jerk. His hand left mine and slid down the back of my pants. His fingers flexed against my ass cheek in time to his thrusts.
I wished I could see him better, the expression on his face. In the darkness under the bed, Noah’s bright blue eyes were glittering pools of black. The light coming in from the small window in the door wasn’t much, and under the bed it was made less. But there was just enough contrast to let me see a different kind of fierceness in his eyes. A new kind of madness. I knew by instinct he’d never looked at anyone like that before and maybe never would again.
Noah’s left leg hooked around mine, spreading knees, making room between us and space for him to move. The ache in my stomach spread across my body. It should have made me more aware of myself, but instead I was more aware of him. Somehow doing this made me a part of Noah, more like him. For a moment or two the cock, the pleasure he felt, and the sounds he made, were mine. For a moment I was the boy who I craved to be.
Noah’s hips jerked and his hand inside of my pants tightened. His exhale was louder than his whisper and sounded like it came from his soul. I was sure if he’d had his voice he would have shouted.
The cock in my hand pulsed and wet warmth spread against my palm and smeared over my fingers, sticky and smelling bitter.
“Noah?” I was worried until he pulled me closer, until every inch of our bodies touched. At that moment he felt like nothing he had before. No fear, no tension, as if all the bad things that he’d kept bottled up had been released along with the fluid on my hand. We had shared something and because of it Noah was at peace. Maybe for the first time since his mother did that terrible thing to him. I’d thought I needed the light to see the effects of touching him, but I was wrong.
Holding Noah, I felt far more than my eyes could have ever told me.
*** *** ***
It was after breakfast that Grom said, “It’s ready.”
I pushed my empty tray back. “What?”
“The spell, of course.” Grom wiped his mouth with his overused napkin. I handed him mine so he could get the rest of the oatmeal out of his beard.
Noah bumped me with his elbow.
“Noah wants to know if we can see it.”
Grom grinned. He still had some egg on the corner of his mouth. “Of course. In fact, I will do better than that. I will show you how it works and we will all go on our greatest adventure yet!” He waved his spoon and a glob of oatmeal landed on his hand. Grom licked it off.
Noah nudged me again.
“When?”
“When what?” Grom said.
I sighed. “When are you going to show it to us?”
“Oh, yes. Right now. Well, not right this now, because we have to get to our destination. Here, we’ll leave immediately and I will show you.”
His excitement was contagious and Noah and I kept exchanging dopey grins. We carried our trays to the square buckets sitting out on a shelf and left them soaking in soapy water. Grom led the way up the hall. He stopped at the end looking back. Then he pushed on the double doors and peeked inside. “Hurry, before someone sees us.”
I remembered this part of the building. To the left at the end of the hall was the door with the warning. We went straight. With the lights bright, the halls well kept, and bits of colored lines on the walls to break up the monotony, there was no reason for the sense of foreboding I felt.
“Are we going to your room?”
Grom shook a finger in the air. “Of course not. I have no need for rooms anymore. Everything required is right here in my pocket.” He stopped again at another intersection in the hall and held out a hand. With all the orderlies manning the cafeteria the place was pretty empty. Except for a few residents eating in their rooms there was no one else but us down here. “Okay, it’s clear. This way, hurry.”
The hall narrowed and we came to another door. Grom pulled the key I’d stolen out of his pocket. He laughed. “Now.” He looked at Noah. “Please tell me you have your wand?” Noah patted his pockets and shook his head. Grom rolled his eyes and pulled his straw from his pocket and handed it to him. “Here, use mine. Now point it at the lock. We have to make sure there are no traps or spells in place.” Grom wiggled his fingers around the door knob, muttering. He stepped back. “What do you think, my apprentice?”
Noah shrugged.
“You’re probably right. Tap it three times just to make sure.” Noah touched the end of the straw to the door knob. Grom stuck the key in. The catch clicked and it opened. “Ah, we’ve done it!”
Behind it was a flight of stairs.
“Grom?” I stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Where are we going?”
“A distant land of majestic beauty.”
“Where though?”
“Up. We are going up, Just Jack. Now hurry before someone sees us.”
Noah gave me a worried look before we followed Grom up the stairs. The dust was thick and spider webs filled the corners creating translucent curtains of grey. There were no windows and the stairwell was hotter than the room we’d come from, like there was no air circulating in here. When we reached the top Grom used the key again but didn’t open the door yet.
“Now, it is important that you be b
rave. This spell is very complex and I need absolute concentration.” Grom handed the key to Noah. “That is yours, and the wand. Keep them close, my young apprentice. You will one day need at least one of those items.”
I didn’t know why but I was suddenly afraid. Grom had his hand on the door knob when I tugged on his robe. “Where are we going?”
“I told you, Just Jack.”
“I know, but where are we really going?”
“Don’t you believe me?”
“I do, but…”
He clapped me on the shoulder. “Then wait and see. It will be wondrous!” Grom opened the door.
Sunlight poured in, making me squint. Heat followed. Outside it was still damp from the rain last night and the moisture made it all the more potent. My eyes adjusted. We were on the roof.
Grom walked out and we followed. The pebbled surface crunched underfoot. Out in front of us was a horizon bleached by the sun, and fractured by fleeing storm clouds. Silver and yellow outlined the black stained line between heaven and earth. It looked like ocean waves frozen rolling toward the sand.
“Grom?”
Grom marched over to the edge. I noticed the metal arch of the railings for the fire escape. At first I thought he was going to climb down, but then he stepped up on the edge and held out his hand. “Come now, Just Jack, Noah, and I will show you the spell.”
I held onto Noah’s hand. Neither of us moved. “What kind of spell is it?”
Grom gazed down over the edge. “A spell of flying, of course. I’m going transport us into the castle where Sarah of the Sunflowers is being held. There we will defeat the king and we will set her free.” He motioned us closer. “C’mon now. You promised.”
“Grom, please. Come down.”
“But we have a quest. The greatest quest for the greatest spell. It will be marvelous! Majestic mountains and miles of land, we’ll see it all. We’ll soar like the great winged horse Pegasus!”
“Grom, we can’t fly.”
“Yes you can. With me you can! I told you I completed the spell, and now I’m going to show you how it works. Now, come on. Time is running out. We must go soon.”
Had Billy felt like this staring at me while I stood at the end of the bridge? Helpless, terrified, and responsible?
He waved us forward. “Come now, you promised.” I shook my head and backed away. The anger in Grom’s face surprised me. His gaze went to Noah and softened. “It looks like it’s just you and I, my apprentice.” Noah didn’t move. “You’re both going to betray me? Turn your back?” He walked along the short ledge. “Fine, I will do this myself. I am, after all, the greatest wizard in the world!”
“Grom, please…”
He turned towards the parking lot and held out his hands. “I’m coming for you, my Sarah!”
I ran forward. “Grom, no! Wait! Grom!”
Before I could get there, he jumped.
*** *** ***
“I think it would be good for you to go to the funeral. I can give you a day pass and you can go with Mr. Greenwich’s grandson.”
I sat in Dr. Chance’s office staring out the window. I didn’t want to go to the funeral. I never wanted to go to another one in my life. The grief coiling in my chest was an odd mix of loss for Momma and Grom, and yet the irrational fear I felt was all for Noah.
What if I lost him too?
“Jacqueline?”
Grom had never called me Jacqueline.
“Jacqueline, it’s important that we talk about this.”
What did he want me to say? That I was sad? That I felt guilty?
“Look at me, Jacqueline.” I heard the leather on his chair creak as he sat forward. I did as Dr. Chance told me to. “I need you to talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
“Why?”
“The police will want to question you and Noah. I promised them I would allow it only after I spoke with you.”
“Why do they want to talk to us?”
“Because you were there. You were the only ones who know what happened and how he got up there.”
And he was asking me because Noah wouldn’t talk. I put my feet down on the floor. “He wanted to go see Sarah.”
“Why were you and Noah with him up on the roof?”
“He said he was going to show us his greatest spell. That we were going to go on the greatest adventure.” It sounded so silly saying it aloud. I felt stupid for ever getting excited. There was no such thing as magic. There was no such thing as far away lands where there were ogres and flying horses. And Sarah was dead.
Was she buried or did they cremate her? I had no idea why I even cared.
“I need you to tell me how you got up on the roof.”
Cold washed over me and my hands clenched. We’d gotten up on the roof because we stole the key. If I said anything to Dr. Chance I would get punished. He might even lock me up in a room like the demon. No, not a demon. They didn’t exist either. The person in that room down the dark hall was just a man. A monster for sure, but only human.
I felt like I deserved to be punished. I felt like I deserved to be locked away forever. But I couldn’t tell him about the key. I couldn’t risk losing Noah. “It was unlocked.”
I’m pretty sure he knew I was lying. His gaze narrowed. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” The second lie came easier. I’d stolen a key and now I’d told a lie. I felt dirty.
“If that’s what happened, when the police come, you need to make sure to tell them.” He sat back and shuffled the papers on his desk. It seemed like a nervous action.
“Dr. Chance?”
“Yes?”
“Why didn’t Grom believe Sarah was dead? Jonas told him, over and over. Every time he came to visit he told Grom, Sarah was gone.”
“She died while Grom was away. The lack of closure around her death more than likely was the grounds for his delusions.”
His explanation seemed too simple to me. I wondered if I didn’t go to Grom’s funeral if I would go mad too.
“Have you decided if you’re going to go or not?”
“Will I go crazy if I don’t?”
Dr. Chance almost smiled. “No, I don’t believe anything so drastic will happen.”
“Can Noah go?”
“Mr. Jonas only invited you.”
“Can you ask him if Noah can go?”
“I don’t think it would be in the best interest of Noah to set foot outside these walls.”
I hated that he was right.
“Jacqueline?”
“I’ll think about it.”
He nodded as if I’d said yes. “I’ll have the nurse bring you some clothes. The funeral will be tomorrow at noon. “
“I said I was going to think about it.”
“Of course you will.”
*** *** ***
Noah wasn’t in his room, or so I thought until I looked under the bed. “What are you doing?” It wasn’t raining so what reason did he have to be there?
I moved the blanket more and the light reflected off the tears on his cheeks. I slid under with him and pulled the sheet back down, plunging us into twilight. As soon as I moved next to him the tears began again and his entire body shuddered with hissing sobs. I coaxed Noah over so I could hold him and he cried into my shoulder, arms gripping me so tight it was hard to breathe. It reminded me of the day of Momma’s funeral, when the air had felt thin and I couldn’t draw breath.
“It’s okay.”
He shook his head.
“Yes it is.”
Noah cried until he couldn’t anymore. Until his entire body pooled against the floor and his arms flopped when he tried to hold me back. I brushed the hair back out of his eyes. His skin was blotchy, and his eyelids swollen.
“Feel better?” I knew he didn’t. “I’m sorry, Noah. I’m sorry I ever agreed to help him, but I didn’t know. I didn’t know he was going to do that.” I don’t know why I felt the need to tell him. He’d been there.
“He was my friend.”
There was the promise of his voice when he whispered.
“I know.”
“I don’t understand why he did it.”
“Me either.”
Noah touched my fingers, then my cheeks, my lips, and my eyes. Like he was memorizing detail through the contact. “Promise me, Jack.”
“What?” I think I would have promised him anything. Perhaps I’d even jump off a building with him.
“Promise me you won’t ever go away.”
If I made such a promise it would be a lie. I had no control over death and I already knew people got sick, people got hurt. Sometimes they died because they thought they had the power of flight. I wished there was such a thing as magic. Not only would it mean Grom was on his way to see his Sarah of the Sunflowers, it would mean I could make the promise Noah begged me to. I didn’t want him to worry. I didn’t want him to be afraid. I wanted to feel his happiness and his bliss like the night before under this very bed, when he smelled of musk.
But since I’d already stolen, and I’d already lied, I didn’t think it would matter to tell one more. I was already gonna burn in the preacher’s hell. What was one more fire to endure?
“I promise.”
“You swear?” The pleading and fear in his gaze was a clear challenge. As wrong as I knew it was to say it, I refused to let him down.
“Cross my heart.”
Chapter Fourteen
There weren’t many people at Grom’s funeral, not like Momma’s. But in the town of Union a funeral was something akin to a fair. Everyone got dressed up and everyone went. Even if they hadn’t known the poor soul being planted in the ground.
I think that’s why Momma wanted to be cremated. She’d never been one to make a social event out of death. Looking around the tired church, I found myself wishing the people of this town had been more like those in Union.
The folks who did show were mostly old like Grom. Their bodies bent and twisted by age, their eyes clouded. They sat near the front dressed in army uniforms that belong in a world from long ago. The medals on their chest were tarnished, and the ribbons holding them frayed, but they’d been placed in careful rows, straight and neat.
A few of the old men wore bibs because they had no teeth and there was no other way to keep them from drooling on their uniforms. Several fell asleep and their soft snores punctuated the preacher’s words.
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