Jonas wiped his mouth on his napkin. “You know there’s a drive-in movie theater near the hospital.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“If you like I could take you there sometime.”
A movie. I’d never been to one. Even when I was free in Union. We had a TV, but the reception was bad because we were so far away from the city. It never stopped Momma from watching it. She’d just turn down the volume and make up her own stories from the pictures they showed.
“I’m not sure Dr. Chance would allow it.”
“I’ll talk to him.”
“And I don’t think I would want to go.”
“If you don’t like movies we could do something else. How about dancing?”
The only dancing I’d ever done was with Momma and I’d step on her toes. We still had fun. When she got sick, I’d put on one of her Sinatra records and dance for her. It always made her smile.
“What do you say, Jacqueline? Will you let me take you dancing?”
I guess now I knew. I put down the piece of pizza. I stared at the pie envisioning the red circles of pepperoni as the red pieces on the checker board. I thought about all the moves Dr. Chance had made so far and then the moves Noah had taught me. He always won because I was afraid to risk things. I still was afraid to take too many risks, especially now. I’d learned they got the people you cared about killed.
Jonas said my name again because I hadn’t answered. “I’m not sure Noah knows how to dance.”
Jonas looked surprised. A V appeared between his eyebrows. “It would only be you and I.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“I’d rather go with Noah.”
“Is there something wrong with me?” He said it with a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“Yes.”
Jonas sat back in his seat looking confused. “Do you mind telling me what?”
“You call me a girl, you call me Jacqueline. You don’t see me, and Noah does.”
“Dr. Chance told me about your condition.”
Condition? Just the word felt like a razor blade raking across my nerves.
I picked up the paper wrapped pizza slices. “I’d like to go back now.”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
“But we haven’t finished.”
“Yeah, we have.”
Jonas reached for my hand but I pulled away. “Jacqueline, please. Stay, eat. I didn’t mean to upset you. I care about you. I like you a lot.”
“You don’t even understand me.”
“I do and I want to help you.”
“Help me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think something’s wrong with me?”
“No, I mean. I think you’re just confused is all. I think some time out, seeing people, being around people. I think things will sort out for you. So does Dr. Chance. He has a lot of faith that you’ll be fine with just a little more—”
I stood up and pushed my way through the crowd, elbowing people out of my way. I followed the sunlight to the exit because I couldn’t see through the tears.
“Wait!”
I didn’t wait, I kept going. I almost knocked down a woman and her husband in my rush to get out. I had no idea where I was going, pizza pieces clutched in my hand I walked. Which way was it to the hospital?
“Jacqueline!”
I could hear Jonas’ shoes slapping against the pavement. I didn’t stop, I couldn’t stop. Jonas claimed he liked me and yet he wanted to change me. Just like Emma he wanted to change who I was.
A hand closed on my arm forcing me to stop. I jerked away. “Leave me alone!”
“I can’t let you wander the streets. I’m responsible for you while you’re out.”
“Then take me back.”
“You don’t mean it.”
“I do mean it.”
“Jacqueline, you need to try to get better. You have your whole life ahead of you. You need to want to get better. Don’t be like Grom. Don’t throw it all away on a fantasy. Don’t waste your time on someone ill like Noah. He’s never going to recover, and when you leave, you’ll need someone out here waiting on you.”
My anger swelled like the August heat welling off the sidewalk. It scorched the life from me and at the same time fueled my will to fight.
“I want to go home.” Home with Noah. Home to my crappy room with its peeling paint and hallways that smelled like piss. There was a crazy lady in the dayroom who wouldn’t let me sit on the couch and an old man in a diaper who hovered around the back door to the garden. I wanted to go back to the jungle, where they threw bed pans and screamed ‘help me Lord’ all during the night. To the world I understood, to the world I shared with a boy I loved. I did not want to be here no matter how many slices of pizza I could eat.
I decided if Jonas argued I would punch him. I think he saw something in my eyes because he stepped back and held out his hand to hail a cab. When he opened the door for me I went around the other side and got in. He ducked his head in. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.”
If I’d had any money I might have left him, but since Jonas was the one with the wallet the cabby wasn’t going to do anything I said. Jonas returned a couple minutes later, a brown cardboard box in his hands. He got in.
“Here.” He tugged the grease soaked napkins out of my hands and put it in the box. The rest of the pizza was in there as well. I scrubbed my palms on the dress, not caring how he disapproved. “Are you sure you don’t want to go anywhere else? You’re curfew isn’t until nine.”
“No.” It was a lie. There were lots of places I wanted to go. Lots of things I wanted to do. Just not with him.
We drove back to the hospital in silence. I could tell Jonas wanted to talk but he just didn’t know what to say. Every so often his lips would part like he was about to speak, and then he’d turn and look out the window. The drive wasn’t that long but it was miserable. Between the heat and the lack of conversation, it felt like it took hours.
I was almost excited when the hospital’s monolithic shape cut a gray swath out of the skyline. Trees were dwarfed and fields of shadows stretched out in front of the walls. Like some unforgiving god the building stared down at us, its windows watching, and its doors consuming those foolish enough to enter.
And I was foolish enough to enter. I thought about how many chances I’d had to run today and wondered why it never occurred to me to do it until now. I didn’t have to think long. The answer was inside the hospital. I couldn’t leave Noah.
The guard at the gate waved us through and the cab pulled up to the curb. I started to get out but Jonas caught my hand. His eyes were sad and hopeful. He ran his knuckles down my cheek then touched my lips with his thumb. “You really are beautiful, did you know that?”
I shook my head.
“I’m willing to wait for you.”
“Wait for me?”
“For when you’re discharged. In the meantime I’d like to come see you. Maybe I can bring you more pizza.” I pulled away but he held on. “Please, Jacqueline.”
This time I twisted my arm out of his grip. “My name is Jack.” I grabbed the box. I would have left it, only I didn’t want Noah to miss out on what I’d had for a day. When Jonas called out to me, I ran. I kept running. I went up the elevator, fighting the urge to climb the walls. As I ran to the check in desk I kicked off the dress shoes and left them behind. I turned in the plastic badge on my dress while they inspected the box of pizza. When they were done I went to my room.
I dropped the pizza box by the bed, tore off the dress and threw it into the floor. The bra was next and the underwear. I kicked it all away and stood there naked, shivering, not from the cold but from the feelings inside me. I wrapped my arms around my chest, flattening my breasts, gaining control of something. Changing my body to what I wanted in some small way. I was helpless against the rest. I was helpless against the fact Dr. Chance was trying to kill who I was. I would not let him. I could not let him.
>
My door squeaked a little when it opened and Noah stepped inside. One look at him and the tears started again. Noah picked my tunic up off the bed and brought it to me. I didn’t take it. He pulled on my arm until I unwrapped it from my chest. One then the other. He guided them through the armholes and pulled it down over my head. Noah had me sit down on the bed so he could get the pants on, then stand again and tighten the draw string. We sat down on the bed.
He cradled my face, one hand on each tear soaked cheek. His blue eyes searched mine. He pinched his bottom lip between his teeth and a worrier’s crease marred his forehead.
“Don’t cry.” He swiped away the flow of tears with his thumb. “Please, Jack.”
“He called me a girl.”
Noah tugged me down until we were lying next to each other, my head on his chest. I buried my face into his shirt and soaked it with tears. He’d asked me not to cry but I just couldn’t seem to stop.
“I’m not a girl and they all want me to be.”
“I don’t.”
“I know. I don’t understand why everyone else can’t accept it. Why do they want to change me?”
Noah sighed and kissed me on the forehead. “Maybe they just don’t love you enough.”
Such a simple answer and it was the truth. The only living person who loved me, understood me, accepted me, was Noah. More than ever I wanted to keep my promise to never leave him.
I sighed against his neck. “I love you Noah.”
“I love you too, Jack.”
Chapter Fifteen
It was only a couple hours after breakfast when the police arrived. There were four of them, two dressed in suits, two wearing uniforms. Noah and I sat in the hall playing checkers. He saw them first and scrambled to his feet. I stood too.
Noah shook. His eyes followed the shorter of the two men in suits. Their gazes met. Noah knew him but I wasn’t sure how.
Dr. Chance and Dan escorted them down the hall. They stopped in front of us.
“Jacqueline, Noah, these are the officers I told you about. They’ve come to talk to you about Grom.” Dr. Chance motioned toward the men. He looked nervous.
Noah grabbed my hand. His grip made my fingers ache but I didn’t pull away.
“Gentlemen, I have a room down at the end of the hall with chairs so you can talk in privacy.” Dr. Chance led the way and Dan ushered us along.
“Jack.” Noah’s voice was almost back but it had regressed into a whisper again.
“I’m right here.”
“I’m scared.”
I was too. “It will be okay.”
The room was like all the rest but the bed had been replaced by several plastic chairs from the dining room. Dr. Chance stood by while everyone sat.
The shorter of the two detectives sidestepped over to Dr. Chance. “We need privacy.”
Dr. Chance glanced our way. “I don’t think that would be wise.”
“We need to talk with them. We’ve been gracious enough to do it here rather than the precinct but we could change the arrangement.”
“It’s not that I want to be difficult, it’s that both Noah and Jacqueline are in delicate condition.”
The detective’s gaze raked over us. His mouth curled. “They look fine to me.”
“Looks can be deceiving.”
“Ten minutes, that’s all I’m asking for. Once I get the story and we’ve confirmed no foul play was involved then my people and I will be gone.”
“I don’t see why you’re even here. This is nothing like what happened when Noah came here.”
“You don’t know that and neither do we. We need to talk to them, alone. I’m asking nicely, Dr. Chance.” The detective’s words were bitter and clipped.
Dr. Chance nodded and motioned Dan to join him in the hall. The door shut and we were left with four men towering over us and no space to move. The two officers moved to the back wall standing like gargoyles while one detective sat and the other stood.
The one standing introduced himself. “My name is Detective Gary Rogers, my partner is Victor Jones. Do you know why we’re here?”
“Yes, sir.”
Noah only nodded.
“Mr. Greenwich was a patient here. According to the staff you two were his friends and spent a lot of time with him.”
“Yes, sir.”
Roger’s gaze slid to Noah. “What about you?”
“He doesn’t talk much.”
“But he can talk.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then I need him to talk now.” He moved in close and Noah shrank away. “Are you afraid of me, boy?”
Noah clenched his eyes shut.
“Is there a reason why you’re afraid? Something you need to tell me?”
Noah shook his head.
“Say it, I want to hear it.”
The “no” was small.
The detective stepped back. His shiny black shoes squeaked as he made half a lap around the room. His gaze was heavy, his presence foreboding. A living storm dressed in a nice suit.
Detective Jones pulled a notebook from the inside of his coat and opened it up. “Tell us what happened on the roof.”
“Grom jumped,” I said.
“How did he get up there?”
“The stairs.”
“And you went with him?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I glanced at Noah.
“Answer the question, Ms. Jacqueline.” He said ‘Jacqueline’ like it was a sharp stick he could jab me with. A nasty smile twisted Jones’ mouth.
“He wanted to show us his greatest spell.”
The entire room broke out in laughter.
“What kind of spell?” And he said ‘spell’ like it tasted bad. When I stayed quiet he said, “Answer the question, Ms. Jacqueline.”
“It was a spell of flying.”
Rogers circled back around and put one hand on the back of each of our chairs. Noah tried to bolt and the man yanked him back in his seat. “Sit. I’m not done yet.”
I put an arm over Noah’s shoulders. “Please. He’s scared.”
“Maybe he should be. Maybe he has a reason to be.” Rogers yanked Noah, in his chair, all the way across the room, pinning him into a corner. Noah’s blue eyes widened, his face paled. He lifted his arms as if to defend himself from being hit. Rogers did not raise his hand.
“Stop!” I tried to stand but Jones yanked me into my seat by the back of my shirt.
Rogers was inches from Noah’s face. “Dr. Chance says you can be a mean son-of-a-bitch. Is that what happened? Did Mr. Greenwich say the wrong thing to you? He pissed you off, so you gave him a little shove off the edge of the building?”
Noah shook his head.
“Talk to me!”
He shook his head again.
Roger’s palm slapped against the brick close to Noah’s head. “Tell me what I want to know, boy! Don’t make me put the cuffs on you! Don’t make me haul you off. You’ve got the Ritz here compared to the kind of hell I can put you in!”
Noah’s hands clutched the edge of the chair. His knuckles were white. He tried to keep his gaze on me but the detective stepped in the way.
“Me, boy, look at me. Not your girlfriend!”
“Stop, please.” Noah’s voice was the loudest I’d heard it in weeks.
“Ah, so you can talk.” The detective slapped his palm against the wall again. “Tell me what happened.”
I fought against Jones. “He fell! Grom fell. We didn’t do anything!”
Rogers pointed a finger at me. “You, shut up. When I want to hear you speak I’ll ask you.” He motioned to one of the officers. The man walked over. “Give me your matches.” The man looked surprised but did as he was asked.
“What are you doing?” This time when I pulled, Jones grabbed my arm.
Rogers loomed over Noah. “Dr. Chance says you’re afraid of fire. Is that true?” He held the book of matches out, letting Noah get a good look at them. Noah’
s chest pumped. His breathing grew so rapid I could hear it even against the sounds of my struggles against Jones. “You afraid of fire, Noah?”
Noah nodded.
“Then tell me what happened. You pushed Mr. Greenwich. You killed him, didn’t you? It’s not the first time, is it Noah? That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”
Rogers’ words weighted me down and I quit struggling. Noah’s gaze met mine. His eyes pleaded for forgiveness.
“That boy in the foster home. The one who teased you. You bashed his head in with a rock. Did you think I forgot who you were?” The detective looked at me. “Did you know that about your boyfriend here? He killed a kid? Crushed his skull? Too young to send to jail so they stuck his ass in here.”
Noah’s lips moved but I was too far away to hear him.
“Tell me, Noah! Tell me that you killed that old man!”
“It was my fault!” The room when quiet and everyone looked at me.
“What did you say?” Rogers turned.
I shook my head, and then I nodded. “Stop yelling at him. He didn’t do anything. It was my fault. I promised to help.”
“You pushed him?”
Jones’ grip tightened on my arm. I could barely feel my hand. “Answer him, young lady.”
Tears soaked my cheek and snot covered my upper lip. I tried to wipe my nose with the hem of my shirt but Jones wouldn’t let me. “We didn’t push him. He jumped. But I helped him get on the roof.”
“How?”
“I stole a key.”
“From who?”
“The custodian.”
Rogers leaned in until his face was inches from my own. The fingers of his right hand dug into my cheeks until my lips puckered in an obscene kiss. “Where is the key?”
“I don’t know.” I couldn’t remember. All I could see was him; anger in his cold eyes, the pock marks on his face highlighted by the red fury staining his cheeks. He squeezed my face harder.
“I don’t believe you. See, I know how Noah over there works. Turns on the tears, plays innocent. I saw what he did to the Everwood boy. I saw his brains smashed all over the carpet. He’d beat the boy so hard pieces of his skull had to be cut out of the floor.”
I looked over at Noah. He curled up in the chair, arms over his face. I didn’t want to believe he’d done it, but I also knew what kind of fury he was capable of. I’d seen the monster inside him.
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