Then, there is Jonny. At first it was a passionate and feisty affair, but now we’ve settled into some kind of relationship. I find he absolutely completes me. He is funny, generous, open and loving. I know in my heart, that at some point a decision will have to be made, but I’m not yet at that point. Frankly, the thought of it fills me with utter dread and sorrow because I know one day, hearts and lives are going to be broken. I try not to dwell on, it too much, for I know that if I do, I will become a complete wreck. For now, I am simply taking each day as it comes.
On the morning of my birthday, the girls have prepared me a special breakfast of poached eggs and bacon.
“Morning Mum. . . . Happy Birthday!” Both girls shout out to me and run up to cuddle me tight.
“Girls, you are really spoiling me. What are you after?” I giggle softly into their hair.
“Can’t we spoil our mum?” Lottie asks.
“Of course, but you know I’ll be expecting this every year from now on?”
“We’ve bought you a little something, too.” Lissy hands me a present, wrapped in glossy gold and black paper. I eagerly unwrap it. Inside the box is a silver locket on a short chain. I open the locket and see pictures of my beautiful girls. My heart swells; I feel the tears filling my sorry eyes. My chin begins to quiver and before I can control it, I am crying. The inner conflict, the self-loathing, the lies, the unstoppable feelings, which I have suppressed can no longer be restrained. The sobbing follows and is not about to stop any time soon. At that moment Shawn walks in and the girls look at him all confused and worried.
Shawn rushes over to me. I only feel worse when he wraps his strong arms around me. “Hey Babe, what’s wrong?” My mind silently screams at him, why are you being so bloody kind to your cheating bitch of a wife?
Instead, I sob out my pitiful words, “I am overcome with happiness, I’m just so lucky to have you all.” The girls quickly come over to us and we all stand there together; holding onto each other like families do when they are trying to make their loved ones feel better. “Thank you girls, your present is so wonderful. You know how much I love you both, don’t you?” I tell them in a broken voice.
Lissy looks up at me with her honest blue eyes as Lottie’s arms hold tighter to me. “More than infinity.” As soon as though words leave her lips, I feel sick, as the hate within my soul surges through my deceitful body.
Shawn hurries the girls up, more so for my sake than theirs. “Right, girls. Get ready for school, as we all need to make a move. Your mum hasn’t eaten her breakfast yet and she needs to get to work, too.” The girls kiss me on the cheek and rush out into the hallway. “Are you sure you’re okay, Babe?” Shawn’s considerate face looks deeply into my teary bloodshot eyes.
I summon a smile to help him feel better. “I’m okay. I just got a little over emotional, that’s all.”
“Are you sure that’s all it is?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Now stop worrying, you’d better make a move, too. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Okay, well enjoy your day, birthday girl.” Shawn gives me a warm, long kiss on my still quivering lips. As soon as he is gone, I am all alone in my home, feeling like an imposter who is unworthy to be here. Once again the tears begin to free-fall down my cheeks.
My reflection in the car mirror shows the damage from all of my self-pitying crying. My lips are swollen, my eyes are puffy and red and to top it all off, my skin is blotchy. Fan-fucking-tastic! I sit outside our office in the car park, gathering my thoughts. Although, there’s not much to gather as my mind is such a mass of jumbled up, hurtful and confused thoughts. When I try to be brave and make sense of them all, I end up more of a complete and utter mess.
These past few days I have just tried to not think at all; in fact, it is getting harder and harder to think and feel anything at the moment.
As I walk along the corridor to our office, the aroma of the sweetest flowers hits me before I am anywhere near the door. When I open it, a big gasp comes out of my mouth. Shit!
The office is overrun with bouquets of flowers. A sea of all kinds of flowers are everywhere I look: roses, calla lilies, sunflowers, jasmine, tulips, amaryllis, hydrangeas, blue and Veronica. A plethora of colour and scent explode within our quaint little workspace.
“Happy birthday, darling. These came about half an hour ago for you. It would seem your Mr. Riley really loves to spoil you.” As Lydia approaches me, a look of concern spreads across her face.
“Jessica, are you okay, darling? You’ve been crying, what’s wrong? Come and sit down.” Her piano like fingers stroke my hand as she takes mine into hers.
“I don’t know Lydia, everything seems to be overwhelming me today. Shawn bought me a beautiful dress, then the girls cooked me breakfast before school and gave me this locket, and now a shit load of flowers from Jonny.” Lydia leans in to take a closer look at my locket.
“It’s a gorgeous necklace, darling. So, you’ve been spoiled by those who love you, yet here you are crying?”
“I’m feeling so . . .” Before I can finish my sentence. Lydia places one of her slender fingers to my lips.
“Don’t even say that word. I know what it is, but I don’t want to hear that word pass your lips . . . especially not today.” Lydia warns me.
I pull away from her. “But I do, Lydia. I am not deserving of anyone’s love.”
She shuffles closer to me. “Jessica, I know I am not you. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you, but you made a decision. This beating yourself up over it will not achieve anything.” She looks at me, bringing up a shaky hand to her forehead. “You probably don’t want to hear this, darling, but I have to say it anyway. Have you seriously considered your future? I really don’t think you are going to be able to live like this for much longer, Jessica. Something will eventually have to give.” she tells me sternly.
I vehemently shake my head, pulling back from her. “I can’t bear to think about it, Lydia. I know I must . . . but I can’t. It terrifies the hell out of me.”
Lydia grabs both my hands. “All I am saying is at some point, Jessica, you are going to have to give your future some serious consideration.”
“I know.” I look at the floor, wishing it would bury me deep, away from my torturous thoughts.
Lydia quickly stands. “Besides it is your birthday, lovely lady. Anyone who has a birthday in this office is not allowed to be sad.” She holds my chin high and strokes it with her thumb, trying to make me snap out of my self-indulgent pity.
“Thank you, Lydia.” I try to force a smile.
Rapidly blinking away her emotions, Lydia puffs out her chest with both hands on her hips, wearing a stupid grin. “So, check out these flowers, huh? It’s just as well I’m not a bloody hay fever sufferer.” Before I am even aware I am laughing, a bubble of laughter leaves my throat.
“That’s more like it, Jessica; I want to see you smile.” Lydia’s brown eyes lovingly look down at me.
I suck in a deep breath, deciding that now is the time to rid myself of the guilt and pity that has been clinging to me. “You are right. No more feeling sorry for myself. I’ve a lot to look forward to; dinner tonight with Shawn, the trip to Kent and meeting Jonny after.” I brightly reply.
Lydia agrees with a pleased nod. “Good for you, darling.
A thoughtful smile pulls at the corners of my mouth. “I am going to Jonny’s home tomorrow.”
Lydia’s beautiful shaped brow rises at the same time as her voice. “How come . . . isn’t that going to be risky?”
I stand up and walk around the office, looking at all the different flowers. “Jonny has organised a dinner party for my birthday with only his close friends coming, all of whom know about us. I am going to be escorted in with Miss Sour Puss, so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.” I say.
“What if a picture of you gets taken as you walk in?” Lydia asks.
“Got that covered, I am going to wear a wig and glasses.” I smugly repl
y.
“Very cloak and dagger, darling.” Lydia laughs.
“I know, it’s madness isn’t it?”
“So, how are you feeling about going to his actual home and meeting his friends?”
My eyes widen. ”Honestly? I am shitting myself, Lydia,” I say with a nervous giggle.
“Just be yourself, darling. They’ll love you.”
“What if Jonny’s agent is there? He doesn’t approve, so he is already one person crossed off the ‘I Love Jessica’ list.” I shrug my shoulders with a small smile.
Lydia frowns. “How can he not like you if he’s never even met you?”
“I don’t think it’s personal. I’m a married woman who is seeing his commodity. He told Jonny if our affair was ever exposed it could ruin his career and no doubt his hefty pay packet,” I say.
“What did Jonny say?”
I nonchalantly shrug my shoulders. “Well, I’m still with Jonny, Lydia. So, I don’t think his agent got his way on the matter.”
Lydia flounces across the room and smiles. “I’m sure you’ll have a fabulous time, Jessica.”
“So, what are you doing this weekend, then?” I ask.
“I have a small surprise for Jake, courtesy of a divine little black lacy negligee, the finest Sauvignon Blanc, and energy tablets.” she devilishly tells me.
“Sounds like your Mr. Carter will definitely be needing those tablets.”
“Indeed, darling.”
I walk behind my desk, switching on my computer. “I think I had better start doing some actual work this morning. I need to make a few calls and chase up some emails. I’ve got a busy next couple of days, so I want to keep on top of things.” I busily tell Lydia.
“I need to pop into town to buy that negligee . . . are you okay here if I nip out for a bit?” Lydia asks as she puts her coat on.
“Of course I am. Enjoy trying them on, you’ll know the one which will blow his mind when you see it.” I say with a smirk, peeping over the top of my computer.
“That I will.” Lydia grabs her bag and enthusiastically walks out the office. I sit at my desk, browsing through my emails when I hear my mobile.
Morning my beautiful Dimples ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ... I intend to spoil you very much tomorrow
Love Jonny xx
I quickly tap in a reply.
The flowers are stunning, thank you so so soooo much ... I can’t wait to see you tomorrow ... by the way, just how do you intend to spoil me?
Love from Jessica X
That’s when I hear a familiar voice. Fuck! Fuck and double fuckety fuck!
“Bloody hell . . . is this office now a florist?” I literally jump out of my skin at the sound of Shawn’s voice. My whole body turns cold, my throat tightens, my heart pounds so hard I feel the blood pumping around my head. I am rooted to the spot; unsure of what to say, how to even look him in the eye and speak.
“Shawn, what are you doing here?” I ask, hoping he cannot hear the fear in my voice.
“I was worried about you, so I thought I’d pop in to check that you’re okay. What are all these flowers for?” he asks in amusement.
“Um . . . they are . . .” Think Jessica, think!
“Jessica darling, I forgot my purse . . .” Lydia stops abruptly as soon as she sees Shawn. She reads my ‘oh, shit’ face and promptly composes herself accordingly.
“Shawn, darling, how are you? Do you like my flowers that the lovely Mr. Carter has lavished upon me today?” Lydia almost sings out her words.
“He is bloody keen, Lydia, I’ll give him that,” Shawn replies. I look at Lydia with the biggest ‘thank you’ expression as the relief literally washes over me.
“I thought you were going to buy that negligee for only Mr. Carter’s viewing pleasure?” I’m trying hard to lower the panicked pitch in my voice as I glance at Lydia.
“I was chatting to Cynthia in the office next door when I realised my purse was in my desk drawer, good job I came back.”
You have no fucking idea, Lydia. “It certainly is.” I smile broadly but, inside I am slowly dying.
“Jessica darling, being as it’s your birthday, why don’t you choose a bouquet and get Shawn to take it home for you?” Lydia asks.
I vigorously shake my head. “Oh, I couldn’t, Lydia.” I guiltily blush.
“You can, and you will. I insist. Now I really must dash, I won’t be long. Nice to see you Shawn.” Lydia makes a hasty retreat out of the office.
I nervously walk around my desk. “That’s nice of you to check on me, Shawn, but I really am okay,” I tell my sweet, caring husband. The same sweet, caring husband who has no idea of my cruel infidelity.
“That’s good to hear, Babe. Are you looking forward to tonight?” he asks, taking hold of my hands.
“I am and I can’t wait to wear that dress.”
“I can’t wait to get you out of that dress,” Shawn says with sex coating his words. He looks me up and down, taking hold of my shoulders. I stiffen slightly as he kisses my lips. His kiss is slow and firm. As he pulls me into him he says, “So, I’ll leave you now to get on with your work. What bouquet do you want me to take?”
I reluctantly pick up a large bouquet of soft pink and purple tulips and carnations with a single red rose in the centre; my blameworthy hands give it to him.
“See you soon, Babe.” he says with a carefree smile.
“See you soon.” As soon as Shawn leaves, I blow out a huge sigh of relief. I collapse in my chair, feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. Shit! I’ve only been at work half an hour!
Thank God for Lydia. I nearly lost it in front of Shawn. I felt like I wanted to run away from my infidelity. She saved me from falling apart. What is happening to me? My coping strategy seems to have abandoned me. With trembling hands and queasiness, I look at my mobile.
You’re mine tomorrow
Jonny x
Three simple words make me ache with anticipation. For the first time, I am finding myself really missing Jonny and not just for his fan-fucking-tastic sex, I am missing the little things. Such as, when I speak he listens so intently nothing else seems more important to him than the sound of my voice. Or, how he places the tips of my fingers across his lips, gently stroking his mouth with them when we are lying together in each other’s arms. Our tender moments are more frequent and seem so much more meaningful, now.
Then there’s Shawn. He is being so wonderful, but I’m worried about tonight. I saw the lusty look in his eyes earlier. I am finding it more and more difficult to be two Jessica’s. Maybe the tide is turning? Maybe it is all beginning to take its toll?
Shawn’s mum has picked the girls up from school because they are going to spend the night with her. The house is all too quiet on my return from work. I have done most of my packing for tomorrow but need to finish it before going out. I check that I have all that I need for my trip to Kent and then place my bag and briefcase downstairs in the lounge.
I decide to put on some music to enjoy getting ready to. I press play and Dido’s haunting vocals fill the room.
In the shower, I am filled with excitement at the thought of Jonny caressing the contours of my curvy, petite body, as his attentive kisses blanket my skin. To take my mind off him I start to sing. The melancholic and emotive words seem to know me, so very well and hit a nerve. I struggle to fight back the tears. I cannot cry, I cannot fall apart again . . . not now.
I take in my reflection before the full-length mirror. The dress fits perfectly and is truly beautiful on my body. To complement the Rockabilly look, I have styled my hair with lots of waves and loosely pinned it up at the front. Although inside I am feeling knotted and anxious, on the outside I am looking fabulous.
Shawn quietly walks into our bedroom. “Wow, now that’s why I married you. You look stunning, Jessica.”
“You are looking very handsome this evening, too.” Shawn is wearing an informal black suit with a white shirt loosely buttoned around the neck; he looks attractive wit
h his short dark hair and piercing blue eyes. Why can’t I love you in the way that you truly deserve?
He stands in front of me and smiles. “I’m a lucky man.”
“I’m the lucky one, Shawn.” I tell him, while the guilt eats away inside of me.
“Well, that goes without saying.” He playfully pats my ass, kissing me in the crook of my neck. He walks behind me: slowly embracing me, placing his hands on my stomach and gently swaying side-to-side with me. “You make me so happy, Jessica.”
Don’t cry, Jessica . . . please don’t bloody cry. I ask myself the all important question. Does Shawn make me happy . . . truly happy? I honestly don’t think he does, why else would I be with Jonny?
My cruelty to Shawn twists inside of me. I cannot reply truthfully, so I do what I always do . . . and lie.
“Me too, Babe. Right, let’s get going, I am starving.” I cannot be in his arms. I cannot bear him being so wonderful to me. He is treating me like a princess, when the truth of the matter is, I am nothing . . . absolutely nothing.
Completely none the wiser, Shawn laughs. “Okay, okay, let’s go and paint the town red, birthday girl.”
That is exactly what we did. The restaurant was divine. I enjoyed grilled scallops in ginger and white wine for starters. For my main course I had venison with pomme dauphine in a blackberry orange sauce, finished off with a delightful pudding of raspberry soufflé with warm raspberry sauce.
Shawn ordered a grouse and foie gras terrine starter. He also had the venison and for pudding he chose hot lemon and raspberry scented dessert.
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