“Lottie, Sweetheart, it is going to be okay.” She looks at me impassively, too afraid to speak.
“I best check on Lissy.” She despondently gets off the bed.
“Lottie, whatever is going on, darling, I love you and your sister more than anything.” I tell her.
She shows no emotion, walking out the room without even glancing at me. My choking sobs soon follow. I have never felt so alone and scared. To see my girls not wanting to be near me only makes me want to hate myself even more.
“Oh, save your tears.” I look up to see a stony faced Catherine Neel with her dark brown, grey streaked hair, walking towards me. Her matte red lipstick lips are taut and disapproving as she intimidatingly stands at the end of my bed; arms crossed with eyes sending a clear message of abhorrence for me. This is going to get painfully ugly!
“Thank you for bringing the girls.” I mumble.
“Oh, I wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for Shawn. Do you remember him, Jessica . . . your husband? The girls were worried and needed to see you but he was unable to bring them because he’s in bits. How could you do this to him, Jessica? I could understand if he hit you or neglected you . . . but he didn’t. He adored you and gave you everything, literally everything! Please tell me why?” Her vicious stare suffocates me.
“I don’t know why it happened, Catherine. It just did.” My poor excuse is met with her evil eye.
“Oh, well. That makes it all alright then, doesn’t it? So, who exactly is this man who likes to have affairs with married women?”
This is the only thing that brings my eyes, to hers. “Who he is isn’t important, we are no longer together and we haven’t been for some time. None of this was planned, Catherine. I care deeply for Shawn, I truly do.”
She retorts through gritted teeth, “You obviously didn’t love him enough to keep your legs closed.” she spits.
I say nothing. She’s right. Every single cruel thing she is saying is absolutely right. “So, were you ever going to tell Shawn?”
I look down at my hands. “I can’t answer that.”
She gets menacingly closer. “You never deserved him. He has always idolised you, but that wasn’t enough for you. I can’t even bring myself to look at you anymore, Jessica, because you completely disgust me.”
“I’m so sorry.” I say, through my falling tears.
She actually cackles. “You’re sorry? Don’t make me laugh! You’re only sorry because you’ve been caught, Jessica.” She backs away, still with her arms crossed. Her feet angrily pace across the floor, then she quickly turns back around to confront me with a chastising expression. “So, just out of interest, why exactly did it end between you and this other man? Did he know about the baby? Did he leave you as soon as he discovered you were pregnant?” She was relishing in the fact that I am vulnerable and very much alone. I know if Shawn were my son, I’d probably be exactly the same. Carry on Catherine; I can’t hurt any more than I already am!
I quietly reply. “We parted ways. That’s all.”
In an instant she is back, hissing into my face. “Probably because he woke up and smelt the bloody coffee, love. He finally saw you for the cheap little home-wrecking tart that you really are.”
“Please, don’t talk about Jessica that way.” My heart leaps at the sound of Jonny’s voice. Is he really here? Wide-eyed, I look at him standing in the doorway. He is stern but calm as he looks at Catherine. Dominating yet genteel.
“What the hell? Why are you? Oh . . . oh my . . . it’s . . . it’s you, isn’t it?” Catherine is flummoxed; she simply can’t find the words she wants to say. I look at her bewildered face, her eyes darting from me and back to Jonny.
Jonny doesn’t move, but his demanding stare never leaves Catherine. “I understand that this is a difficult and distressing situation to find yourself in. However, Jessica has just had surgery and does not need this right now. This is neither the time nor the place to be talking to her in this way.” Jonny calmly tells her.
“My son is heartbroken because of you two and you have the audacity to tell me how difficult and distressing the situation is? I can’t believe this is happening, really I can’t. I’m getting the girls out of here. We wouldn’t want to cramp your style, now would we?” Catherine and her venomous tongue march out of the room.
I sigh deeply with relief, not because of Catherine’s departure, but because of the arrival of Jonny. I watch as he follows her to the door, slowly closing it behind her.
I am trying to gauge from the back of him whether his body language will give me a clue as to what he is thinking and feeling. I am completely transfixed on his body. He still has the same strong and commanding presence; the same neat hairline and perfect profile. When he finally turns around to face me, I can see the tears in his eyes. His face carries so much distress and fear, but yet a little piece of hope. With a sombre smile, he walks towards the bed.
“Jessica, you have no idea how scared I have been. When Lydia called and told me they had rushed you into the operating theatre because of an ectopic pregnancy, I thought I was going to lose you. When she called again, I was too scared to answer the phone in case she told me the words I didn’t want to hear. To see you here . . . like this . . . well, words don’t express my relief.” He grabs my hand and sits down next to me, holding it next to his cheek as he begins to cry.
I have never seen a grown man cry. His cry is the kind that never leaves you because it touches every single part of you that is capable of holding emotion.
All at once, everything I have kept bottled up for so long floods violently through me. I love this man with everything I possess. Now he is here by my side, in my darkest of times; all I remember is the last time I saw him.
I have always understood why he did what he did. His rage then total devastation overwhelmed him, we overwhelmed him, so he walked. Leaving me all alone in his room to cry myself to sleep. Although I have already cried a sea of tears, my emotions take me over once again. Jonny is here, in the flesh, and I have no control over the words I need to speak; through my cracked sobs they tumble out of my mouth before I even have a chance to stop them.
“You left me.”
Jonny lowers my hand with his onto the bed. He is momentarily speechless. My unforgiving words are harassing his already tortured mind. “What?” he meekly asks.
“You left me,” I repeat myself in a broken voice. His caramel eyes deeply penetrate mine, then he laces our fingers together, bringing our entwined hands up to his tender half-smiling lips.
He speaks in a slow, low whisper. “Don’t you get it, Jessica? Once someone is in my heart, they never leave it. I never left you, Dimples. We just had to find each other again.” His grip tightens on me.
I let out an overwhelmed sigh. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” Jonny rests his forehead on mine, sweeping the pad of his thumbs across my jawline. “I never thought I’d see you again . . . it has been so hard not seeing you. You look so unhappy and unprotected, let me love and protect you now, Jessica.” He brings my incomplete lips to his. I never thought I would see or feel him again. The sweetest relief washes over me, knowing that he is here . . . because he wants to be.
“I’m so glad you are here, Jonny. Everything is falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” I completely break down; no more holding back, no more pretending that I am okay. My tears fall without restraint. I don’t think I will ever stop crying!
“Hey Beautiful, please don’t cry. It is going to be all right. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”
A vengeful tiredness takes me. “I’m so tired Jonny, I don’t think I can fight anymore.”
“Let me lie down here. You need to rest a while.” His safe, familiar body is quickly beside me. His loving hand holds onto mine so protectively tight, like his life depends on it.
I relax, eventually drifting off into a much needed and relieved sleep.
When I wake up Lydia is sat next
to my bed. Did I dream about Jonny? Is my torturous mind playing the cruellest of tricks on me?
“Jonny’s talking to the doctor, darling. He is wanting to know when he can take you home.”
A sickening relief sweeps through my body. I didn’t dream that he was here! My nausea is quickly replaced with gladness.” Is he okay?” I ask.
Lydia reassuringly smiles. “He is a little overwrought, but I think he’s fine. He is pleased that you are safe, Jessica.”
“Has Shawn contacted you at all?”
“No, darling, he hasn’t. I did try talking to Lissy after she ran out of here earlier. I don’t know whether anything I said to her will help, but I felt I had to give it a go.”
“Did the girls see Jonny?”
Lydia shakes her head. “No they didn’t. I took them down to the café. Shawn’s mother looked like she meant serious business, so I thought it best to get them out of the way.”
I look blankly ahead. “I have hurt them all so bad.”
Lydia sits down next to me, stroking my hair. “Yes you have, but time is a good healer as they say.”
“No amount of time is going to heal my family.”
“What about Jonny? Surely it helps that he is here?” Lydia asks.
I glance up at her. “For how long though?”
A frown stretches across her otherwise smooth forehead. “What do you mean?”
“Well, now it’s all out in the open, maybe he will realise I am damaged goods with a shit load of baggage and run for the hills?” I tell her with irrational worry.
“Jessica, when are you going to get it into that bloody thick skull of yours, Jonny loves you?” Lydia says with pinched lips.
“Maybe I think I am not deserving of his love anymore? Particularly now that I’ve ruined the girls’ and Shawn’s lives; why should I be allowed to be happy?”
Lydia is getting exasperated now. “Because you do . . . end of. You need to get better, then stop feeling sorry for yourself and do the best you can by your girls. You have to be patient. You need time to heal before you can heal everyone else,” she bluntly tells me.
“I know you’re right, Lydia. I suppose I must try to let things settle down first and then hopefully, I can sort things out, a little bit at a time.” I look into my dear friend’s face, giving her a thankful smile. She always seems to say the right thing. I can only hope she is right.
Lydia pats the bed. “Now, time is getting on and I am going to leave you. I will see you tomorrow, darling. Jonny has wangled staying in this room with you tonight.”
“Really?” I ask, feeling brighter at the thought of Jonny being with me.
“I don’t think he is going to let you out of his sight for a while.” Lydia chuckles to herself as she leans down to kiss my cheek. Her comforting scent of amber, bluebell, white rose and musk lingers in the hospital room air, masking the smell of the disinfectant and antiseptic that surrounds me.
As Lydia is leaving, Jonny meets her in the doorway. A few whispers pass between them and then a hearty hug is exchanged.
Jonny casually walks towards me. His shoulders are relaxed, his face is calm. “How are you feeling after your nap?” The tone of his voice is soothing. God, I have missed him!
“Much better, thanks. Although, my bladder appears to have woken up, too. Will you help me to the toilet?” I sit up slowly, trying to manoeuvre my legs so they hang off the edge of the bed.
As I attempt to stand, Jonny protectively stands in front of me. He slips both his arms under mine, gently easing me up. Pain shoots through me. I grimace, causing my fingers to dig sharply into his shoulders. My breathing gets heavy. I tightly grip onto Jonny, while resting my head on his shoulder. Shit, it hurts!
Jonny pushes my shoulders up gently. “Jessica, hold onto me and we will go real slow, okay?” His distressed eyes look deep into mine. I swallow hard, trying to ignore the pain. My inner strength is wilful and determined because of the wonderful man who has me in his hold. His unwavering love and support makes me feel like I can do anything.
With weak, tentative steps, I manage to get to the door. When Jonny opens it, I see Beef outside the door. When he sees us he quickly stands. I have never seen Beef look worried or scared, but looking at me now that is exactly what he is. I think it is actually the first time I have ever witnessed real emotion in his tough, hard face.
“Here . . . let me help.” Beef quickly takes one of my elbows as Jonny supports the other; my beautiful Jonny then uses his free arm to lovingly sweep it around my back. We must look quite a comical sight. Jonny Riley and his burly bodyguard holding a wretched looking female with a mobile drip-stand trailing behind them.
When I reach the toilet down the far end of the corridor, I am feeling a bit steadier on my feet.
I suddenly feel embarrassed. “You both don’t need to join me in the loo. I’ll take it easy, I promise.”
Jonny is reluctant to let go of me. “I’m scared you’ll fall.” He says with worry written all over his face.
I stroke Jonny’s thoughtful cheek. “I’ll be fine, the worst bit is out of the way. I’m up now and already feel stronger in my legs. The doctor said it was important to try to be mobile,” I say, trying to reassure him.
“We will wait out here then, shout if you need anything,” he tells me. I smile as I enter the toilet, relieved I am alone. I honestly didn’t want to endure the embarrassment of having to pee in front of Jonny and Beef.
When I open the door, both of them look incredibly relieved that I am still in one piece. They support me back down the corridor and to my bed.
“Beef, thank you for helping me.” I say in a strained voice, lowering myself onto the bed.
“No problem, Jessica.” The fact that he calls me Jessica is heart-warming to hear, rather than the aloof and distant ‘Mrs. Neel’ I usually get from him.
“You’re not sleeping out in the hallway, are you?”
“Yes, I am.” he says.
“No, you are not! Get a chair brought into here; you can sleep in here with me and Jonny.”
Beef looks embarrassed. “No, no. It’s fine. I don’t mind.”
“You won’t get any rest out in the hallway, Beef. There will be people coming in and out all night long. It’s at least a little quieter in here.” He looks in Jonny’s direction, who is smiling at him.
“If Jessica says you have to stay in here, Beef, then you have to stay in here.” I can see Jonny finds our mutual defrosting towards one another all very amusing.
“I’ll just grab a chair then.” Beef heads out the door, but quickly returns looking exasperated. “They’ve taken the bloody chair I was sat on! Can you believe that? I’ll have to go and find another, back in a mo!” His large frame disappears out of the small doorway.
Jonny sweetly plumps up my pillows. “Are you sure you don’t mind him coming in?”
“Of course I don’t.”
Jonny strokes my hair, smiling at me. “You look a lot better now, Jessica.”
I laugh. “Now I know you are lying. I caught a glimpse of my shocking reflection back in the toilet.”
Jonny presses his full lips onto mine, surrendering a cherishing kiss full of love and pure promise. “You look beautiful to me.”
I lovingly caress his face with my finger. My eyes look up, into his contented soulful eyes. “I love you, Jonny.” My words, which have been suppressed for so damn long, bring a big smile to his glorious lips.
“Say that again to me.” Jonny whispers, leaning in close.
The words just want to roll off my tongue. “I love you.” I say with pure happiness enveloping me. I was born to tell this man how much I love him.
Jonny kisses the tip of my nose while cradling my face in his hands. “And I love you.”
“I am feeling a lot better, Jonny. And you know why? Because you are here.” I take his hand, bringing it up to my chest. My heart beats so fast because he makes me feel so alive. Each beautiful beat is because of him.
&nb
sp; “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” he says with overcome glassy eyes. His emotional spheres remain on mine, tenderly caressing my cheek. “I love you so much, Jessica.” His love and his words engulf me. They pick me up and swing me around. Blanketing me with binding affirmation.
I kiss his knuckle. “I never thought I’d ever get the chance to tell you how much I love you. It has been so hard without you, Jonny,” I whisper.
There’s a thoughtful pause before he speaks. “Did you know you were carrying our baby?” His eyes search deep into mine.
Hearing him say our baby, leaves me feeling lost. In all of this mess I have only had fleeting moments of quiet and lonely grief for our baby. An empty void has indeed been left. I never wanted another baby. That idea was quickly put to bed after Shawn’s vasectomy, but now I feel a part of me has gone. It’s a strange sense of loss; one minute I know of the baby’s existence and in the next breath they tell me they have taken it and my fallopian tube away . . . gone forever.
I look at Jonny. “No, I didn’t. I secretly went back on the pill when you and I got serious. I figured the spotting was caused by my body adjusting to the pill. It was only after we ended that I started to get the odd cramp in my abdomen. If I’m honest, I was barely functioning without you, Jonny. I wasn’t eating and sleeping properly. I ached all the time, felt sick all the time. I just thought it was because of the devastation of not having you in my life anymore.” I tell him, with sorrow coating my every word.
Jonny clasps both his hands around mine. “I am so sorry, Jessica.”
“It’s me who should be sorry. I have hurt my family and you. I have handled everything so badly.”
Jonny tenderly strokes my cheek with a single finger; his apologetic eyes look deep into my soul. “So many times I nearly contacted you. I hoped you would contact me, but when you didn’t, I figured you were happy with your family. So, I left you alone as I didn’t want to make you unhappy again.”
A Famous Affair Page 19