by Leanne Banks
“Maybe once or twice,” he admitted.
“What do you do then?”
He gave a long-suffering sigh. “I explain that the woman needs a man who wants the same things she does. A man who is ready to make a commitment deserves her love more than I ever could. I tell her she has my respect and that the man who gets her will be one lucky son of a bitch.” He swore in frustration. “This has got to be the most awkward, unromantic discussion I’ve ever had with a woman. Why are we talking about this on our last night here?”
“I guess because overhearing that couple made me wonder how you said goodbye. And then I thought it might be a good idea to prepare myself for that eventuality, since we have a similar no-strings arrangement.”
Daniel stared at her in disbelief. “You mean you’ve been talking about us?”
Sara was confused. Her feelings were a jumble of hope and fear. “I don’t know who I was talking about.”
He stepped closer and put his hands on her shoulders. “Sara, the only thing I’m interested in ending between you and me is this crazy discussion. As far as I’m concerned, we just got started.”
“It’s been a month,” she pointed out with a sad smile. “And crazy, passionate affairs with wild women don’t last forever.”
Daniel heard the ominous message in her words. It hit him square in the gut. Somewhere along the way his intentions toward Sara had begun to change. It may have happened after that first night they’d spent together. It may have happened during any number of other special moments they’d shared. He wasn’t sure when it had happened. He only knew it had, and now he was stuck with the rules he’d originally set up between them.
He’d gone along content in his ignorant assumption that he had control of their relationship. He pulled the strings. He set the limits. Now he realized she could sever the tie between them and leave him flat. The notion caught him off guard. He sifted his fingers through her hair. “Works both ways,” he admitted, though it cost him. “You could say goodbye too.”
Sara’s eyes widened as if the thought hadn’t occurred to her. Daniel cursed himself. “Now I’ve given you an idea I don’t want you thinking about. What do I do now?”
For several moments she looked at him, then she gave a slow smile. “I once heard that if you’re thinking about something you don’t want to think about, then you need to replace that thought with a different one.”
“So?”
Her hands skimmed up to his shoulders. She gave a little shrug that had his heart jumping. “So I guess you need to give me something else to think about.”
Hope soared in his chest as he lowered his head. “I’ll do my best.”
And heaven help her, he did.
The next morning they loaded up her car and his truck. Sara lamented the fact that they had to drive separately, but it was amazing the way a few little things could make such a big difference. She felt protected when Daniel warned her to drive slowly on the snow-packed roads out of the resort complex. They made several pit stops. Every time they stopped, he kissed her, leaving her with a warmth that lasted until the next break.
It was late when they reached her house. After a lingering kiss at her door Daniel left for the farm. Sara might have felt lonely, but Pavi was beside himself with delight when she walked in. He alternately howled and licked her for fifteen minutes straight.
Over the next week and a half Daniel visited her every other day and called her on the days he didn’t see her. The pattern afforded them stability, and Sara began to feel the seductive pull of security and something deeper.
The fact that Daniel was so dependable only made him more appealing to her. It was obvious that his desire for her hadn’t dimmed in the slightest. It was also obvious that part of the reason he came to her with such regularity was because he simply enjoyed her presence. He seemed to like following her around her kitchen and talking with her about her day or the farm. Their quiet conversations seemed as important to him as his “passionate affair with the wild woman.”
With each passing day she felt the boundaries she’d set blur a little more, and the depth of her feelings for him went way past anything she’d ever experienced. It alarmed her, but Daniel’s mere presence robbed her of the ability to distance herself from him. Her only discomfort was his continued effort to draw her into his family.
“It’ll be fun,” he promised as he teased her mercilessly late one night. He gently blew on her puckering bare nipples. They were on her couch, and she wasn’t quite sure when their clothes had been discarded. At the moment she didn’t really care. Sara was having difficulty following the change in conversation. Just a moment ago Daniel had been making a few more graphic promises. She arched, but he backed away.
“What will be fun?” she asked.
He bent closer and darted his tongue across the beaded tip.
“Ohhh.” She bit her lip when he drew away again.
“The potluck dinner after church on Sunday.”
Before she could automatically say no, he lowered his mouth to hers. His tongue slipped smoothly past her lips to tease and taunt her while his chest pressed against her exquisitely sensitive nipples. A moan escaped her throat.
“I’ll take you to church, then we can meet the rest of the family at my aunt Bitsy’s house.”
No, no, no, her mind warned, but his mouth was moving from one breast to the other. Sara sucked in a deep breath and shook her head.
Daniel stopped, put his hands on either side of her head and gently moved it in an affirmative, nodding motion. He looked at her with the confidence of a man who had grown accustomed to getting what he wanted, and what he wanted was Sara.
She tried to steel herself against his effect on her, but it was tough with him nudging her thighs apart and her body turning soft and moist. She closed her eyes and licked her lips. “I don’t think—”
“Please,” he muttered against her mouth.
No, no, no. Absolutely not, her conscience desperately called. Feeling tugged in two different directions, Sara shut her eyes.
“Please, Sara.”
Hearing him say “please” had her resistance crumbling. She took a deep breath, opened her eyes and looked into his deep violet gaze. She had the sensation of sinking and losing her will. Wanting more than anything to please him, she felt her objections slip through her fingers like sand. “Okay.”
Daniel’s gaze lit with pleasure, and Sara was torn between joy and fear.
Chapter Eleven
“So, you’re Daniel’s girl.”
Daniel watched Sara blink at Aunt Bitsy’s blunt statement. Feeling her stiffen beside him, he wished he had an inkling of what was going on in her head and why she was so uptight about his family. He reached over and gave Aunt Bitsy a kiss on the cheek. “Give her a break,” he whispered, then raised his voice to a conversational tone. “Sara is Carly’s assistant. She’s been living in Beulah for about a year.”
Aunt Bitsy sniffed. “Don’t try to change the subject with me, Daniel Pendleton. You’ve never brought a girl to my house before. That must mean something.”
Certain Sara was about to bolt, Daniel tightened his hand around hers and shook his head in frustration. He should have expected this from his crotchety aunt. “Sara, this lovely woman who bakes the best pies in Tennessee is my aunt Bitsy.”
Removing her hand from his, Sara gave him a sideways glance, then turned to the older woman. “My pleasure to meet you, and it’s so kind of you to include me in your family get-together.”
Aunt Bitsy took Sara’s hand. “There’s always room for one more at my house. You remember that, you hear.”
At that moment Luke rescued them by running to Sara and tugging on her skirt. “I’m gonna be a Pendleton.” His face shone with excitement. “And my mommy’s gonna have a baby, so I get to be a big brother.”
“Erin’s pregnant?” Daniel asked in surprise.
“Yes, sir!” Luke was nearly dancing with joy.
Dropping to her k
nees, Sara gave Luke a hug. For some strange reason she felt a special connection with this little boy. Perhaps it was because, like her, he’d never met his biological father, and up to this point he hadn’t been quite a Pendleton either. “Luke Pendleton?” she said with a smile.
Luke’s chest puffed out with pride. “Garth asked if he could ’dopt me and if I’d like to call him Dad.” He grinned widely, revealing a missing front tooth. “I do.”
Her heart squeezed. “How wonderful. Garth is so lucky to have you for his little boy,” Sara said.
“Yeah, and I get to be a Pendleton. Maybe you could be a Pendleton, too, if you married Daniel.”
Blood roared in Sara’s ears. Luke’s face blurred before her eyes. Marry Daniel. Her breath froze in her lungs. Suddenly it was as if Luke’s words were an arrow and her heart the bull’s-eye. He’d given voice to a wish so secret, Sara had never even admitted it to herself. It was impossible. It was something Daniel would never want. He valued the limited amount of freedom he had. It couldn’t happen, but God help her, she had fallen in love with Daniel and wished she could have with him everything she’d never had.
The realization hit her hard. She thought she’d been so careful. She knew she’d been riding the edge of a very thin line, but she thought she’d held just enough distance to prevent this. The excited chattering of those around her became deafening, making her dizzy. Then she heard Daniel say her name twice. Shaking her head to clear it, she noticed Luke was long gone.
“Sara.” Concern colored Daniel’s voice.
Careful to hide her deep distress, Sara slowly stood and mustered a smile.
“You okay?” he murmured, putting his hand around her waist.
“Fine,” she managed, avoiding his gaze. “Shouldn’t we find Garth and Erin so we can congratulate them?”
Carly and Russ came up behind them. “Not one word,” Carly said firmly to Russ. “I’m going to kill Garth for this. Now I’ll have to put up with hints from you for the next nine months.”
Daniel gave a covert laugh next to Sara’s ear. “Carly’s going to have her hands full now. And look at Garth’s face. He looks like a stunned bull.”
While the Pendletons celebrated the good news, Sara struggled with the knowledge that she’d made the stupid mistake of falling in love with a man who wanted her in his bed but not in his heart. With a new awareness she watched him as he interacted with his family. This was the man she loved, she thought, this man who slapped Garth on the back and gave Erin a gentle hug. This was the man she could want forever. However, this was also the man she could have for only a while. Perhaps this was why she’d been resistant to joining Daniel in family activities. Perhaps, underneath it all, some part of her had been trying to protect herself from the knowledge that she had grown to love him more than she’d ever dreamed she could.
A shiver of fear passed through her. Acutely sensitive to the turmoil inside her, Sara worked hard to conceal it. By the time she and Daniel left, she felt emotionally exhausted.
On the drive home Daniel reached over and tugged a lock of her hair. “You’re quiet. Did we overwhelm you again?”
Sara smiled. “Not too much. It’s a nice kind of noisy.”
“I can tell you’ve got something on your mind. Did Troy bug you about something?”
“No. He barely said more than a few sentences to me.”
Daniel nodded, feeling relieved. “Am I gonna have to prod this out of you?”
Sara hesitated. “I hope you won’t,” she said quietly.
Daniel felt the back of his neck tense. “I hate it when you get that polite tone in your voice.”
“Would you like it better if I were rude?”
Daniel answered without hesitation. “Yeah, I would. I want the real Sara, good and bad. Kiss me or curse me, but give me the real thing.”
Sara crossed her arms over her chest. “I believe I’ve already given you the real thing.”
Daniel heard the slightest edge in her voice and grinned. “So you have. But the strangest thing happens every time you give yourself to me. It just makes me want more. I want to get into every crack and crevice of Sara Kingston. I want to know what scares you, what makes you cry, what you want to hide.” He shifted his truck into third gear. “And why.”
“That wasn’t part of the bargain.”
“Then let’s renegotiate.”
“No,” she said flatly.
Instant frustration stung like salt water on an open wound. He wanted her open to him, completely open. He wanted to read her like a book, every word, every sentence, every chapter that was Sara. It wasn’t enough to have her in bed. He’d become addicted to her quiet charm and secretly tender heart. He felt the need to protect at the same time that he wanted the right to all of her. Not just body but mind, heart and soul. The need was powerful and overwhelming in its intensity. And he realized it couldn’t be denied.
It changed the color of things. This wasn’t just his crazy, passionate affair anymore. It had become much more.
But at times Sara was like a tightly shut clam. Now was one of those times. Taking a deep breath, Daniel wondered where his usual supply of patience was. “Okay,” he muttered, looking at her as he braked at the stoplight. “For now.” Because he hated the thought of any distance between them, he pulled her closer and kissed her possessively. Her mouth was soft and sensuous and willing, and he tasted her until he felt her body start to respond to him. Lifting his head, he stared into her dazed eyes. “Your eyes change colors when I kiss you,” he said roughly.
Sara took a deep breath. “My whole body changes colors when you kiss me.”
He chuckled, rubbing her soft chin with his thumb. “Guess I’ll have to check that out when we get back to your house.”
“I guess you will.”
A car horn beeped behind them, reminding Daniel that the light had changed. He accelerated, opened the window to let in some cool air, and decided to change the subject. “What’d you think of Garth and Erin’s news?”
“They seemed surprised, but happy.”
Daniel shook his head. “It’s hard for me to imagine Garth settling down and having kids. But I guess I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Now that Russ and Carly and Garth and Erin have made sure the Pendleton line continues, I can forget about that duty with no sweat.”
Ten days later Sara learned she was pregnant. “We always used protection,” she heard herself say to the doctor in a thin voice. “Always,” she whispered.
He slipped his glasses on his nose. “Your chart indicates that you are single.”
Sara nodded. God help her, was her heart still beating?
“Are you frightened about being a single parent?”
Sara nodded again. “How did this happen?” she burst out. “We used condoms every single time. Every time.”
The doctor sighed. “Only abstinence is one-hundred-percent effective. While condoms are currently popular since they offer additional protection against sexually transmitted disease, the figures pertaining to contraception indicate that they have a ten-to-eighteen-percent failure rate.” He lifted his hand. “If condoms are used improperly, the failure rate increases. Not to be droll, but all it takes is a pin-sized hole and…”
“And I’m pregnant,” she concluded hoarsely. A pinhole in a rubber and she was pregnant. Sara wondered if that was how it had happened, because as wild as their lovemaking got, she and Daniel were meticulous about protection. She remembered one time they’d abstained because there’d been no contraceptive available.
Her blood ran through her veins like ice water. She lifted a trembling hand to her mouth. “I’m pregnant.”
“It’s very early. You have plenty of time to come to grips with this.” Wearing a serious but thoughtful expression, he continued. “You have options. There are adoption agencies.” He hesitated. “And if you decide that you don’t want to continue the pregnancy, I can refer you to a clinic. You do have options,” he repeated.
&n
bsp; His words swirled in her brain. Options. God help her, what was she going to do? Sara swallowed and tried to compose herself. She laced her fingers around the straps of her purse. “I’m going to have to—” She cleared her throat and blinked hard. “I’m going to have to think about all this.” She shrugged. “Is there anything I’m supposed to do? Or not do?” Sara bit her lip. She knew nothing about being pregnant.
After the doctor gave her a few instructions about taking vitamins, eating correctly and avoiding alcohol and caffeine, Sara murmured a vague acknowledgment and walked out of the office.
That evening Sara fed Pavi and nibbled on a sandwich. Recalling a suggestion her counselor had given her some years back, she pulled out a piece of paper and sketched out her situation. She was so confused, she couldn’t write fast enough to get all her feelings down.
She wasn’t even certain she should tell Daniel. He would take responsibility, insist on marrying her, help raise the child—and probably regret it every day of his life.
Bowing her head into her hands, she felt her numbness wane and her eyes burn. A lump formed in her throat. Options. She was filled with doubt and uncertainty. Should she tell Daniel? Should she marry him if he asked her?
Not if he asked out of his deep sense of responsibility and obligation. Not if he didn’t love her. And how could she know for certain now?
Could she go through nine months of pregnancy and give up a baby?
Did she possess the fortitude to go to that clinic and end her pregnancy? Sara swallowed. She’d always thought of abortion as a political issue or some other woman’s choice. She’d never thought she’d be in a position where she would have to consider it herself.
Her head began to pound. Choices she didn’t want to make. None of them seemed right.
The question that taunted her more than anything, though, was could she be a mother? Could she be a good mother, or was it a situation of like mother, like daughter? Her heart squeezed at the thought. Sara wasn’t sure she had the right stuff to raise a child by herself. She certainly hadn’t been given an adequate example to follow.