by Kelly Utt
Do you realize that I’ve been incapable of having a healthy romantic relationship? That’s all because of you. I’ve dated good men, but I don’t let them get close to me. I’ve never married. I’ve never been called someone’s wife. I’ve never felt the excitement of having an engagement ring slipped onto my finger. I’ve never seen the look on my dad’s face as he walked me down the wedding aisle. And every time I make love, it feels a little sickening, a feeling I can’t completely explain, but it’s there. Because of you.
But I want you to know that even though you took so much from me, I wouldn’t let you take it all. I ran away, and I started a good life for myself and my daughter. I knew I was smart and I used my intelligence. I went to college on student loans, and I struggled as a single mother. But I finished my business degree, Huey. You didn’t stop me from that. Then, I settled in a friendly town with a new identity so you could never find me. And I did well in that town. I made friends. I opened a business that’s now thriving providing wealth and financial security for me as well as jobs for many others.
You took a part of me. You took me from my parents, because I was afraid that you’d kill us if I didn’t disappear. But Huey, I have a strength deep down inside that you could never completely take away. I haven’t let you take the best of me. I told a bold lie that I’ll apologize to Chester for. But I’ll never feel bad about what that lie did for me and my baby. It got us away from you.
A self-help guru on an Oprah Winfrey Show inspired me a long time ago to write a letter. She suggested it go to those I’ve hurt, or those who hurt me. She said any unfinished business could be healed, even if the letter was never sent. At that time, I couldn’t even think about you in the conscious part of my mind. At least, not on purpose. So I wrote a letter to Chester. Poor Chester. He didn’t deserve what happened to him. I never should have told anyone that he raped me when he didn’t. But the thing is, in some strange and wondrous way, that letter brought me to this moment. It brought me healing that I didn’t know I needed. I’ve been content to keep you out of my mind as much as I could and to carry on with my new identity. But now, I realize the person I should have written a letter to a long time ago was you.
Let me make myself clear. You are the most wretched scum to walk this earth. Those who take advantage of children and sexually abuse them are the worst of the worst. But something is changing in me. No longer will I let you terrorize me and hide me from everything I deserve in life. I’m choosing to make decisions from a place of love instead of fear. I’m choosing to let good people help me, beginning with Bill Henderson.
It’s over between us, Huey. I’m stepping into the light.
Never yours,
Leena Bisset
28
When Marcheline was finished with the letter, she folded it up and tucked it into her handbag. Feeling inspired by the desert landscape around her, she decided to go outside and sit by the pool. Sabine and Amelie had returned to their room by the time she got there, but she didn’t mind. She wanted a few more minutes alone.
To Marcheline’s surprise, the water called to her. She had to do more than sit nearby, even though she hadn’t packed a swimsuit. She was wearing yoga pants and an old t-shirt, which she decided would do. No one else was around, so she figured no one would mind, anyway.
As she walked into the water, it felt cool and refreshing, but not too cold. It felt silky. It felt like it was beckoning her, to connect her with something bigger.
Once she reached the center of the pool, she stood with her feet shoulder width apart, staring out into the desert with the mountain in the distance. She closed her eyes and let the afternoon sun shine on her face as she allowed her mind go blank and her body to go still. She thought about the time she had almost ended her life in that Illinois lake and about how water could both give life and take it away.
As Marcheline gently descended into a meditative state, her pain that had been locked up tight inside her body seemed to unhinge. She swayed in the water, her gentle movements matching the energy she sensed swirling around her. She could feel the energy emanating from the desert plants and stones. It was a different energy than she was used to at home in California. And it was doing something to her. It was doing something with her.
Marcheline stayed like that, standing in the pool and swaying gently while the sun shone on her face and the energy swirled around her, for what felt like an instant and an eternity at the same time. When she finally opened her eyes, a certainty settled over her. She knew she had been changed.
29
By the time Marcheline, her family, and Bill gathered in the hotel lobby to head to Guillermo’s house, the sun had set and the last lingering bits of light illuminated the sky in a beautiful pink. Bill offered to drive everyone in his rental car, since it was nicer and more comfortable than the old beaten up Bronco. He had sprung for a full size so he could make the offer.
Marcheline got in the passenger seat, while Sabine and Ryan got in the back along with Amelie and her car seat. They were dressed in several different types of clothing, due to the haphazard nature of the way they had packed. No one had been thinking about a dinner party when they’d thrown some clothes in bags the night before. Even so, Marcheline thought they cleaned up nicely. She was wearing a black t-shirt with a cable knit shawl over top, along with jeans and sandals. It would have to do. Ryan and Sabine looked a little nicer, Sabine wearing a skirt and Ryan with a collared shirt. Bill was dressed the nicest of them all since he’d had the benefit of knowing about the dinner party when he’d stopped at the store this afternoon. He wore linen pants, nice shoes, and a long-sleeve, button-down shirt.
No one said much on the ride over. There was a quiet contentment amongst them they didn’t want to disturb. As promised, they stopped to pick up some Maison du Vin wine bottles, Sabine going into the store with Marcheline while Ryan and Bill stayed in the car with the baby. Once the wine was in hand, they continued on to Guillermo’s house for the special evening.
Guillermo’s home sat on top of a hill that overlooked the city. It had a stately appearance, much like Marcheline’s estate. Lights illuminated the long walkway to the front door and a broad porch sat ready to greet guests. Marcheline found it magical as the car climbed the steep driveway and more and more lights unfolded in the distance. She was proud of her friend for having done so well for himself. They had both come a long way since the days of scrimping as poor college students.
Marcheline felt excited as she got out of the car with her crew and walked up to ring the bell. She wondered if Guillermo would still seem the same, just an older version of himself. A pleasant looking woman arrived at the door first, then opened it and introduced herself as Camila.
“Welcome!” she said in a sweet voice. She was all smiles, her long brown hair swaying as she moved. “I am Camila, wife of Guillermo.” She had a Spanish accent that made her all the more charming.
“Hello, Camila!” Marcheline said, handing her the bottles of wine. “We brought these for you. They were made by my own winery in Northern California, Maison du Vin.”
“Oh!” Camila replied. “Yes, good. I will love. Me Encanta!”
“Buena!” Marcheline said, using her rudimentary Spanish skills.
Guillermo appeared behind his wife in the doorway with a big smile on his face. He looked as handsome as ever, his strong features and silky black hair on display. He gently moved Camila to the side so he could get to his friend. “Marcheline, it’s been too long,” he said as he kissed her gently on the cheek.
Marcheline beamed, she was so happy to see her old friend. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. She didn’t want to let him go.
“Come now, introduce me to your family,” Guillermo prompted.
“They are my pride and joy,” she said. “My daughter, Sabine. My son-in-law, Ryan. And their baby girl, Amelie.”
“And our friend, Bill Henderson,” Sabine added.
“Yes,” Marcheline agree
d. “Our new friend.”
“Is this the uninvited guest you mentioned?” Guillermo asked.
“It is,” Marcheline confirmed. “But he’s no longer uninvited, that’s for sure.”
They went inside, and Marcheline admired Guillermo and Camila’s house. It was every bit as gorgeous on the inside as it was on the outside. Guillermo credited Camila for her good taste in decor. He said that before she came into his life, he was living in a small apartment with nothing on the walls but a drug-store calendar. Camila was a gracious host and seemed to enjoy having everyone at her home.
“Do you like?” Camila asked as she showed the group to the formal dinner table. It was placed in front of sliding glass doors that led to a large deck with the most amazing view. The table was set with colorful Mexican dinnerware. Each piece was detailed and intricate. Marcheline thought they were probably handmade.
“Yes!” Marcheline replied. The group agreed, nodding their heads and opening their eyes wide.
“Beautiful,” Sabine added.
“Guillermo,” Marcheline began. “I get the feeling we’re about to have the best Mexican food we’ve ever eaten.”
“I don’t know,” he said with a chuckle. “But, maybe. Camila is that good.”
Bill stepped forward and reached out to shake Guillermo’s hand. “I appreciate your hospitality, sir,” Bill began. “I’m fortunate to be a guest in your home.”
“Any friend of Marcheline’s is a friend of mine,” Guillermo replied. “No questions asked.”
“Good,” Bill said. He leaned forward so he could speak quietly, without the others overhearing. “I’m waiting on an important phone call tonight. Maybe two. Hopefully, the news I receive will help untangle Marcheline’s… Situation. Do you mind if I step outside when my phone rings?”
“Not a problem,” Guillermo confirmed, placing one hand on Bill’s shoulder. “You do your thing. Do you really think you can help her?”
“I do. And I’m not going to give up easily. She’s suffered for far too long.”
Marcheline followed Camila into the kitchen, leaving the others space to talk about her further.
Sabine began. “Mr. Guillermo…”
“Just Guillermo. We’re all friends here.”
“Guillermo,” she continued. “Mom told me what you were willing to do for us. I want to thank you. After today, I’m hopeful it won’t be necessary. But I appreciate your kindness, anyway. You’re a good man.”
“Of course,” Guillermo said emphatically. “Marcheline is a special friend of mine. I promised her many years ago now, when we were in college together, that if she ever needed me, I would step up. It didn’t matter how many years had passed. My word is my bond.”
Sabine leaned closer to Guillermo, and talked quietly, just like Bill had. “I’ve arranged a surprise for Mom tonight. Do you mind?”
“Not at all,” Guillermo said. “Mi casa es tu casa… My home is your home.”
Sabine thanked Guillermo again, then followed her mother and Camila into the kitchen, baby Amelie riding on her hip.
Ryan looked at Guillermo, and Guillermo laughed because Ryan clearly had something to say, too. Ryan leaned forward and talked quietly just like Bill and Sabine had. “Guillermo, sir…”
“Just Guillermo.”
“Okay, Guillermo,” Ryan continued. “I have something for Marcheline tonight.”
“A surprise?” Guillermo said, getting a kick out of the various plans that were afoot.
“Well, yes,” Ryan confirmed. “Do you mind?”
“Not in the slightest,” Guillermo said. “Mi casa es tu casa… My home is your home. It should be an interesting night.”
“I hope so,” Ryan agreed. “It ought to be memorable.”
Guillermo continued to smile as he opened the wine and poured glasses for everyone. He made a big deal of how good it tasted, complementing Marcheline on her company’s products.
“I always knew you would go far, Marcheline Fay,” Guillermo said as he pointed to his friend from across the room. “This girl is a go-getter, folks. She has been since a very long time ago. She’s strong in a way that not many people are.”
Camila nodded her partial understanding, then Guillermo translated for her in Spanish. Once she got the entire message, her face lit up, and she smiled as big as her husband. It seemed like Guillermo had told her about his friend Marcheline before.
“You’re right about that,” Bill said. “I’ve only known Marcheline for a day, and I can already tell she’s exceptional. Like a diamond, formed under pressure and unpleasantness, but what an exceptional thing to behold. Marcheline is the picture of perseverance and determination. I’ll bet she inspires everyone who knows her.”
“She does,” Sabine said proudly, sitting on a barstool and bouncing Amelie on her knee. “She’s amazing. I’m really proud that she’s my mom.”
Marcheline was tempted to brush off the praise as was her default response, but she didn’t. For a change, she let herself take it in, feeling the love from her people. “You’re very kind,” she said. “The feeling is mutual. I have the best people.”
“So, they all know now?” Guillermo asked.
“They do. They know even more than you,” Marcheline said, then she filled her friend in on the missing pieces.
She told Guillermo about Huey and the abuse, and how she’d accused Chester as a way to set herself and Sabine free. It felt hard telling the story for a third time in one day, but every time she spoke it, and every time she spoke Huey’s name, it got easier. Huey had less power over her the more she brought him out rather than keeping him hidden. She thought maybe it was true what people said about how monsters live in the dark. Once you shine a light on them, they aren’t so scary anymore.
Guillermo walked over and wrapped his arm around Marcheline’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” he said. Then he looked at his wife and spoke just one word that conveyed his message. “Violación.”
Camila gasped, then walked over to Marcheline and embraced her from the other side. Marcheline wasn’t used to people being so forward and generous, but in this setting, it felt good. It felt right.
“Thank you.”
“You know, Marcheline,” Guillermo continued. “You could have told me back then. I could have handled it.”
“Guillermo, my darling, I don’t know if I could have handled it. It was my issue. My hangup. You are a good friend to me. Don’t you feel badly about it. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Look at us now, all these years later and you were ready to get me a new identity, even if that meant getting me across the border to Mexico. If friends get any better than that, I don’t know about it.”
They all laughed.
“We were going to Mexico?” Bill asked, half joking and the other half serious.
“If necessary,” Marcheline said. “But I don’t think it will be necessary, thanks to you, Bill.”
“Phew,” Bill said, wiping his brow for dramatic effect. “I’m not sure how well I’d do in Mexico.”
Camila looked at Guillermo for translation. “No habla español.”
They laughed together again, Camila in on the joke this time.
The group continued to chat as Camila brought out finger foods and served them to her guests. They were decadent, the most delicious anyone present had tasted, by a long shot.
“Camila, my darling,” Marcheline began. “You should open a restaurant. Your food is outstanding. Your restaurant would stay busy all the time.”
Guillermo translated and Camila blushed when she understood. “Gracias,” she said, several times.
The evening was going very well. Marcheline was more relaxed than she’d been in a long time as she continued to explain to Guillermo what she’d been doing over the past two days. He agreed it was strange to think she’d been at her office yesterday afternoon in Northern California, going about her business as if nothing was wrong.
Camila had just put on s
ome mood music when the doorbell rang. It took a few rings before they heard it, but when they did, both Sabine and Ryan stood up and offered to go answer. Guillermo looked perplexed, but didn’t mind allowing whatever was to unfold.
“Go ahead,” he told them. “Let me know if you need anything.”
Sabine handed Amelie to Marcheline and then followed behind her husband to the front door. Marcheline continued with her conversation and sips of wine, so didn’t notice when it took the kids a while to return. When they did, they had someone special with them.
“Mom,” Sabine said. “Someone is here to see you.”
Marcheline turned, startled at first, until she saw her dear friend’s smiling face. “Rande!” Marcheline yelled as she ran over to embrace him. “What in the world are you doing here?”
“I called him,” Sabine said. “I thought you could use another friend today.”
“And Ma’am, when Sabine told me what was going on,” Rande added, “You had better believe I marched myself right onto a plane and got here as soon as I could.”
“Oh, Rande,” Marcheline said, in happy tears. “I wasn’t sure I’d see you again. And here you are!”
“If you wanted to take a trip down here to damn near the Mexican border, all you had to do was ask,” Rande said, laughing. “Charisse would have been happy enough to get rid of me for a few days.”
Marcheline shook her head, laughing. She felt lighter and happier than she had in as long as she could remember. Before, there was happiness, but with sadness just underneath. Now, the sadness was starting to dissipate, like grains of sand being blown away or carried out by the tide. Whatever the mechanism, it was a wonderful feeling.