by Laura Hilton
His gaze mocked her, and his words replayed in her mind: “They set a place for you at every meal.”
If only she could believe they wanted her.
“You’ll never know unless you swallow your pride….”
She took one step toward the house, then glanced down at her clothes, now soaked through. After she’d kicked off her muddy shoes outside the door, Mamm might greet her with a big, fluffy bath towel and then shoo her upstairs to change into one of her old dresses, all of which probably still hung on hooks in her old bedroom.
Dry and appropriately dressed, she’d go back downstairs to the family meal, looking like an Amish woman but feeling the censure in Daed’s eyes as she pretended to be someone she wasn’t. And what would Matthew think?
It shouldn’t matter. Still, she focused on him, waiting at the door. He made a motion with his hand, inviting her to come.
With a deep breath, she turned and fled inside the barn, to the warm, if lonely, apartment, to eat her bland, prepackaged meal.
***
“There’s a towel on the hutch, if you need it.” Deborah’s words greeted Matthew when he came inside.
“I’m fine.” His shoulders were a little damp, but he’d been under the protection of a big tree, and then the porch, when the downpour had hit.
The kitchen bustled with activity. Deborah stood at the stove mashing some potatoes with butter and milk, while the two little girls set the large farm table: Joy arranged the plates, and Joanna followed close behind with the silverware. A place was set for Shanna, as it had been for every meal since she’d returned home. Too bad she didn’t have the courage to come inside and see for herself.
He shook his head. Too bad Levi didn’t have the courage to face his daughter and invite her to rejoin the family.
Both of them suffered due to a stubborn refusal to take the first step.
For a moment there, he’d thought that Shanna would come. He’d seen her take that step toward the house before she’d hesitated, her lip quivering. He’d almost gone after her when she’d turned and run for the barn, but then he’d stopped himself. She’d have to come on her own, when she was ready.
He hadn’t had any contact with her since the day she’d come home. The day she’d flirted with him so outrageously, telling him she’d call him Matthew, because…. His face heated just thinking of it.
Matthew headed over to the sink, where he soaped up his hands and forearms, then rinsed them off. He was reaching for the towel when he heard a small, timid knock on the door. Deborah turned, the roast platter in her hands. “I wonder who that might be.”
Levi stood up and took the few steps necessary to reach the door. He opened it wide, and Matthew saw Shanna standing there, dripping wet. Everyone froze, even the two little girls. The youngest one, Joanna, dropped the remaining silverware on the wooden table with a loud clatter.
For a long moment, Levi stood in silence. Matthew wished he could see his facial expression. Finally, Levi grunted. “Didn’t think you’d have enough sense to come in out of the rain.”
Hurt flickered across Shanna’s face. Matthew saw the sting of rejection in her eyes. When she backed up a step, Deborah gathered the big, fluffy towel from the hutch, the one she’d offered to Matthew, and rushed to her oldest daughter. She moved so quickly, Matthew hadn’t even seen her set down the platter. Apparently, she wasn’t about to let Shanna leave so easily.
“Ach, you’re soaking wet. Run upstairs and put some dry things on. We’ll hold dinner for you. Your clothes are still hanging on the hooks.”
Matthew dropped his gaze to the red shirt and black pants she wore. Her name tag was clipped to the left pocket of her shirt. She must have just gotten off work.
Levi grunted again and stepped aside. Shanna moved past him. “I don’t want to pretend….”
Deborah waved her on. “Just go.”
With another glance at Levi, Shanna scooted on by, pausing long enough to take her shoes off and leave them by the door. She made a wide arc around Matthew on the way to the stairs. The two little girls abandoned their jobs and ran after their older sister, chattering. With their daed having allowed her in, they must have felt free to follow her.
“It’s the Englisch name.” Levi turned around to face Deborah, his expression resigned. “I told you we should have gone with either Sara or Hannah. Or started the J theme earlier and named her Jubilee, instead of using that for her middle name.”
“Jubilee” didn’t sound very Amish, either, but Matthew kept his opinion to himself. He grabbed the hand towel and dried his arms.
Deborah frowned. “It doesn’t matter at this point, Levi. What’s done is done. And I don’t think that her name has anything to do with her decisions. People with gut, solid biblical names leave, too.”
One of the three boys lined up on the long bench on the far side of the table spoke up. “Jah. I heard that the Lehman boy left.” Matthew glanced over to see which one had spoken. Thirteen-year-old Judah. Levi silenced him with a look.
His arms dry and reddened from the rubbing, Matthew hung the towel back on the rack and turned toward the table. He slid onto the bench next to seventeen-year-old Joseph as Shanna, Joy, and Joanna came back into the room.
Matthew sucked in a long breath, his heart thudding in his chest. He’d found her appealing before. But now…. Shanna wore a dark green Amish dress, complete with an apron and a white prayer kapp. The color of the dress reminded him of the pine trees in the woods back home. She entered the room quietly and took her place on the opposite side of the table, closer to her mamm than to her daed, he noticed. Ducking her head, she folded her hands in her lap.
She seemed an altogether different person from the Englisch woman he’d previously encountered. The boldness was gone.
Joy and Joanna quickly finished setting the table, then plopped down next to Shanna, one on each side. She scooted toward the middle of the bench to make room.
After the silent prayer, Levi started passing the food. Joy passed the potatoes to Shanna, who scooped a helping onto her plate. As she passed the bowl to Joanna, she bumped her cup of milk, which danced on edge almost in slow motion before starting to tip.
Matthew reached for it, but Joseph was quicker, grabbing it before it tilted completely. A small puddle of white pooled on the table. “Careful, Shanna,” he said. “None of us wants a milk bath.”
***
Shanna’s face heated, and she dipped her head to avoid the smirks on her brothers’ faces, and probably Matthew’s, as well. She’d known better than to come over here for a meal, but it smelled so good. And the idea of having a warm, tasty, filling meal on a day like today had been too much temptation to resist.
She should have fought the lure.
Besides, she’d known that if she came here soaking wet, they would urge her to change clothes and have her back in Amish attire before she could blink an eye. Admittedly, she was the one who had chosen to include the apron and the prayer kapp. She would have felt undressed without them.
Her stomach churned. What did Matthew think of her now? Even more important, what did Daed think? She didn’t risk looking up but continued to stare at her plate, afraid to see the censure on his face.
The clothes felt surprisingly comfortable, enveloping her in a warm hug that made her feel like she had come home. If only she could.
Well, technically, she supposed she could. All she’d have to do would be get rid of her Englisch things, drop out of college, and move back into the bedroom with her sisters, and all would be forgiven. She’d be welcomed back into the fold by both her family and the community.
But it wasn’t that easy. Besides, she didn’t want to. She enjoyed her freedom. Her choices. Her preferences.
Well, it didn’t matter. She speared a slice of roast from the platter Joy held for her. She hesitated, then speared two more slices.
After all, who knew when she’d get another home-cooked meal?
With her plate filled, she for
ced herself to raise her eyes. Her gaze landed on Matthew, seated across the table. He openly studied her with a look of concern in his beautiful eyes.
Shanna studied him in return, just as openly. Why had this handsome man with such beautiful eyes chosen to move here? Didn’t he have a girl back home? She straightened her posture and held his gaze. “So, Matthew. How did you come to be part of a man swap?”
Chapter 6
Matthew blinked. The question had come out of nowhere. Beside him, Shanna’s brothers snickered, and Levi shifted in his chair. Without looking at him, Matthew knew the man’s gaze had hardened and focused on Shanna. He could feel her discomfort. He supposed she had the right to know his reasons for coming here. After all, he’d already had the same conversation with others in the community.
He shrugged. “I have eleven brothers and sisters. I’m the baby of the family. My parents moved into the dawdi-haus several years ago, and my older brothers have taken over the farm. Daed had parceled out so much of it to my brothers that there wasn’t much left for me. Daed and Mamm help out, and….” He set down his fork and picked up his glass to take a sip of water. “And there didn’t seem to be room for one more. When I heard about the opportunity to move to Missouri in the exchange, I jumped at it. One of my best friends had already made the trip; another one had signed up.”
Matthew looked down for a second and took another drink. He swallowed, then continued. “Besides, it was becoming unbearable at home. I was in my brothers’ way, and I think they resented my presence. I decided to leave sooner rather than later.”
He doubted he was even missed much. Mamm had cried when he’d gotten into the driver’s van for the ride to the bus station. His brother Thomas had spoken only to ask if he could have Matthew’s horse and buggy for his oldest son, who was beginning his rumschpringe.
Matthew had sold them to him and pocketed the money.
“So, now you’ve got to find yourself a frau.”
He looked up in time to see her smirk. “All in God’s time,” Matthew said with a nod. But he couldn’t deny the feeling he was looking at her—his frau. How that could be possible, he didn’t know. It would depend entirely on the hand of God, that much was certain.
He took a bite of his food. Time to turn the tables. “My friend Jacob and I plan to fish this weekend. Think you can get some time off work to join us? We’re going down to the pond.” He jerked his finger in the direction of the large pond on their farm.
Her eyes widened, but the smirk remained. “Jah, if you’ll go with me into Springfield when I take the kittens to the Humane Society.”
Ach, nothing like laying his life on the line. He didn’t want to ride with her into Seymour again, let alone go all the way to Springfield.
Levi cleared his throat. “Speaking of which, I saw Amos Kropf the other day. He told me he had his buggy at Daniel Troyer’s shop for some repair work. Something about an Englischer running into it. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Shanna?”
***
Ignoring her brother Johnny’s snicker, Shanna pursed her lips and looked down at her plate again, her appetite lost. But it’d come back. She couldn’t let this food go to waste. “At least I didn’t kill him or his horse.”
“Jah, and that’s gut, or you’d be in a heap more trouble. The question is, how do you plan to right this?”
Shanna frowned, mentally adding up her unexpected costs. Even with working through the summer, it would be tough to come up with enough money to cover her college expenses. She also had Onkel Micah’s electric bill to pay for, plus the ticket for reckless driving. And, now, the cost of repairs to Amos Kropf’s buggy. She needed to pay Matthew back, too, for what he’d given the driver Amos had called. She expelled her breath forcefully, then picked up her knife and fork and started cutting her meat into bite-sized pieces. “I don’t know.”
“I suggest you come up with some ideas, then.”
She didn’t have a clue where to begin. Her baking and cooking skills were rusty, not that they’d ever been worth mentioning. That distinction belonged to Becky Troyer, a quiet girl who spent every spare moment either in the kitchen or with her nose in a book. She was the last person Shanna would have expected to get pregnant during her rumschpringe, but apparently an Englisch boy had taken advantage of her, and now she had a boppli. But the community had always raved about Becky’s pies and cobblers. So, really, Shanna had no hope of paving the way to forgiveness through Amos’s stomach by offering to supplement his wife’s cooking. Assuming they would even accept food from an Englischer.
Shanna shrugged. “What are his needs?” Probably a waste of time asking. She was still Englisch. He would still refuse.
Across the table, Joseph chortled. “A frau. His third one died.”
“Ach. I hadn’t heard.”
“Maybe you should apply.” Joseph laughed outright.
No one else did. Daed looked down and seemed to focus on cutting his meat. Meanwhile, a wistful gaze skittered across Mamm’s face.
Their reactions sent Shanna’s thoughts in directions they shouldn’t go, because they tended toward gossip and curiosity. What would it be like to be an Amish man’s fourth wife? She frowned. “How many kinner does he have now?”
Daed rearranged some of the food on his plate. “Seven, last I knew. All buwe.”
“And nein frau?”
“Nein.”
Shanna sat back. If she was allowed, she could do a lot to help Amos Kropf. She speared a piece of meat with her fork and took a bite.
Levi set his fork down firmly. “I don’t like that look on your face. Explain yourself.”
Shanna shifted her weight and frowned. “Nothing to explain. Just trying to think what I could do.” That was a half-truth.
“I think you’ve done enough already,” Daed grunted.
The words hit Shanna hard, like a slap in the face. She sat back in her chair, tears burning her eyes. “Jah. Jah, I guess I have.” She yanked the cloth napkin from her lap and tossed it onto the table. So much for enjoying this home-cooked meal. She should have stuck with the granola bars. “May I be excused, please?”
Daed pointed his fork at her plate. “Sit. Eat. We’re not feeding your gut food to the hogs. Besides, you need fattening up. Too skinny. What man wants a skinny frau? Matthew, you would like a little meat on her bones, ain’t so?” He chuckled.
Matthew looked up, his eyes wide with unmistakable horror. His gaze darted to Shanna, and she felt her face heat. She averted her eyes and shifted uncomfortably. How could Daed ask him something like that? It wasn’t even remotely funny.
When she chanced meeting his gaze again, she saw a look of sympathy suddenly light his features. He looked back at Daed. “She’s gut.”
Just “gut”? How did he define “gut”? Did he think she was pretty? Did he agree with Daed that she was too skinny but didn’t want to hurt her feelings? Not fair for him to leave it with “gut.”
On the other hand, maybe she didn’t want to know what he meant.
Mamm got up from the table and began refilling the coffee cups. “So, how are the orders coming? You getting the work done?”
A deft change of topic. Danki, Lord. Shanna felt a lone tear escape her burning eyes, and she angrily brushed it away, unwilling to give the menfolk the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Well, if Daed wouldn’t excuse her from the table…. She began shoveling food into her mouth, as if she hadn’t eaten in a month.
Daed looked away from Shanna and toward Mamm. “Jah, the truck from the furniture store will kum Friday afternoon. Matthew and Joseph need to stain a couple of chairs, and that order will be complete. We got another one in. We’ll stay busy.”
“Gut. And the fields?” Mamm seemed determined to keep the focus off of Shanna. She retrieved two shoofly pies, which had been cooling on the counter.
“Had Judah and Johnny out there working the fields to get them ready for planting. Figured we’d start putting them in by next Monday.”
>
“My seed order came in,” Mamm said as she sliced a piece of pie, then transferred it to a plate, which she set down in front of Daed. “The girls and I will start getting that garden planted after school on Monday.”
“I can help with the gardening, Mamm.” Shanna heard the hoarseness of unshed tears in her voice, but she hoped no one else had noticed. She stood up and started collecting the dirty dishes from the table and carrying them over to the sink. Her two younger brothers dashed by her on their way out of the room, and her hands shook nervously, rattling the stack of plates. A fork slid off the top plate and clattered to the floor.
Shanna imagined the reprimands that probably hovered on the edge of Daed’s tongue. Something about breaking all their dishes, maybe. Okay, her nerves were on overdrive. This stress was probably wreaking havoc on her blood pressure, though she’d never had a problem with it before. She placed the stack of plates on the counter, then picked up the fork and placed it in the sink before returning to the table.