by Laura Hilton
Shanna sighed and stopped moving. “I feel so sorry for him,” she repeated.
Deborah furrowed her brow. “Well, we’ll do what we can to help, for sure, but Amos is known to be hard on women. Some say he’s abusive. I’ve seen nein proof of that, but the truth is, he’s buried three wives and two daughters so far.”
“It’s the haus.” Shanna started stretching again. “It’s spooky.”
“Well, be that as it may….” Deborah stood abruptly. “I know how you feel about strays. We don’t need you bringing a stray man and his family home.” She patted the table. “Sit. Eat. Joseph mentioned a birthday frolic. Are you going?”
“I am, jah,” Matthew answered, though he was sure Deborah had been asking her daughter. A girl who did have a tendency to pick up strays. A woman who might be inclined to marry someone because she felt sorry for him.
His breath caught. He suddenly feared her coming home with Amos Kropf and his buwe. Ach, Lord. Don’t let that be so.
He studied Shanna and tried to sound nonchalant as he said, “You’ll go with me, ain’t so?”
Shanna hesitated. She turned and looked at him but didn’t quite meet his eyes.
Something about her expression scared him.
“We need to talk,” she said.
***
Shanna stood up and turned to go outside, but Mamm rapped on the tabletop. “I’m going to take the laundry down. You sit and have your talk here. Eat the pie.”
“I’d rather go outside. And I’d be happy to take the laundry down. You stay here. And danki for the pie, but nein. Danki.”
Shanna opened the front door and took a deep breath of fresh air, then headed for the side yard, where the laundry waited. She wondered if any of the Kropfs would take down their clothes, or if she’d find them still hanging on the line when she stopped by after work tomorrow. The whole situation broke her heart.
Matthew stepped up to the clothesline and reached up to unclip a pair of pants. He folded them. “Was ist letz?”
His voice sounded calm, unconcerned. Nothing like the jumble of nerves she felt.
“I owe you an apology.” Shanna turned her back on him and reached for a dress. “I shouldn’t have led you on the way I did. I treated you like fancy folk do, and I encouraged you to disobey the Ordnung. Kissing on the lips….” She sighed and pivoted around to face him. “I’m going back to Springfield in the fall, and marriage isn’t in my immediate plans. So, I can’t allow you to court me. I’m sorry.”
Matthew froze. He shut his eyes for a brief moment, then opened them and reached for another pair of pants. “Friends then, jah?”
Even rejection didn’t seem to faze him. If only she had the peace he possessed.
“How can we possibly be friends after…? Well, you know.”
His lips twitched. “How can we not be?”
Ach, he was infuriating. She wanted him to tell her that he understood, and still wanted to court her, even if she wasn’t ready to think about marriage. Instead, he acted as if it didn’t matter one iota. She wanted to put a stop to things before they even got started, and he behaved as if it were all “ser gut.”
She dropped the dress into the basket, on top of the neatly folded pair of pants. He calmly placed the second pair on top, just as neatly.
“Don’t you even care?” She planted her fists on her hips.
Lips pressed together, Matthew glanced at her, then reached for another pair of pants. He shrugged. “Wasn’t like we made promises.”
“Matthew!” Joseph yelled from the porch. “You coming to the frolic?” He came down the steps and started toward them. “Ach, Shanna. Didn’t know you were back. Kum on, there’s a birthday frolic.”
“I’ll be right there.” Matthew dropped the third pair of pants into the basket. “Hurry up and finish, Shanna. I’ll stall him.”
“But….” Shanna stared at him.
“Friends. Just friends.” He turned and jogged away.
With her knuckles, she wiped her suddenly burning eyes.
It wasn’t fair. He was supposed to feel as miserable about their breakup as she did. Well, it wasn’t technically a breakup, since they hadn’t been courting. But still.
She reached for another piece of clothing but couldn’t see what it was because of the tears that filled her eyes.
He’d been the one to declare that they were going to get married. That the house of his dreams would have her in it. And all those other beautiful words that had led up to the kiss.
And now, he was ready to let her walk away without a single “Nein”?
Chapter 16
Matthew hiked over to the buggy, his thoughts whirling. He’d known that the look on Shanna’s face meant nothing good. Sure enough, she’d told him she wanted to end their fledgling relationship. Somehow, he’d managed to hold himself together.
Yet thoughts and worries whirled in his head. Lord, what is Your plan? Will Shanna ever be mine? Is it possible she’ll come to love me? I want to be more than just her friend.
His heart had recognized her from the start. He decided to hold on to the belief that she was meant for him. What else could he do?
“You ready, jah?” Joseph glanced at him from the buggy seat. “Is Shanna coming?”
Matthew shrugged but answered in the affirmative. “Jah. She needs to take the laundry in, and then she’ll be here.” I hope.
Something in his voice or his stance must have alerted Joseph that not all was well, because he narrowed his eyes and hopped down. “Guess I’ll go check on her and tell her to hurry.”
“Might be best.” Matthew leaned against the buggy to wait, but he wondered what Shanna would say. She’d probably insist that everything was fine. And he supposed it was. After all, she wanted to call it quits, he hadn’t disagreed, and that was the end of the story.
Except that he didn’t want to end the relationship. Their story was just beginning. Where it went from here, he didn’t know, but he was willing to wait as patiently as he could to find out.
He looked around and saw the fishing poles leaning against the wall. Would Shanna come fishing with them tomorrow? He could almost feel the tug of a fish on the line. Come to think of it, reeling in a fish took a lot of patience, and, in many cases, it got away.
He hated to compare Shanna to a fish, but somehow that was the analogy that came to mind. He wouldn’t give up on her yet. He’d keep playing the line until he landed her, and if friendship was all he could get from her, then that’s what he would take.
Joseph came back around the house. “She’s taking the laundry inside, and then she’ll change clothes and be right here. She says everything is gut, but I could tell she’s been crying.” He peered at Matthew. “And you look like you ate too many green apples.”
Shanna had been crying? Surely, that meant she cared at least a little bit. But she had ended their courtship before it had even begun. Matthew’s head throbbed. Too much trouble to figure out how a woman’s brain worked. He forced a smile and put his hand on his stomach. “Green apples? Tasty, but the stomachache is a killer.”
Joseph chuckled. “Trouble in paradise, jah? My guess is she’s the one who caused it.”
Matthew shrugged and repressed the urge to tell Joseph it was none of his business. Besides, he wasn’t really sure who was more to blame for the problem. He was the one who’d blurted out that she would marry him. He was the one who had kissed her on the lips. Though, why there seemed to be a huge difference between him doing it and Nate doing it, he wasn’t sure. She’d said Nate was a casual friend. Matthew wanted to be more.
Maybe that was the issue.
From all appearances, he was the source of the problem.
Still, as amazing as it had been to kiss her, he almost wished he could take it back. He wished he could have waited until their wedding night. The way a first kiss was intended to be.
Shanna came around the corner of the house, and he automatically held out an arm to assist her into the buggy.
He doubted she needed his help, but she accepted it, sliding into the middle of the seat. It would be a tight fit, and she’d be as close to him as she’d been when they’d gone to look at the farm for sale. But this time, it wouldn’t be because she wanted it that way.
Still, he wouldn’t complain.
Ach, his foolish heart. He’d known loving Shanna would mean heartbreak, but he’d succumbed, anyway. Was it possible to fall in love after knowing her not even a week? Most people would probably say nein. But then, how could he help but love her?
He drew a fortifying breath and climbed into the buggy beside her. She drew her skirts close to her side, but she didn’t move away. Really, she had no place to go, unless she sat on Joseph’s lap, and he doubted she’d do that. Or that Joseph would let her.
“So, Miriam Shultz’s birthday?” she said brightly.
Joseph nodded.
“How old is she now?”
“Sixteen.”
There was something in his tone. Matthew tilted his head and studied Joseph. He would have bet Joseph was going to ask to take Miriam home from the singing on Sunday night.
Matthew frowned. He’d be going home alone, instead of with Shanna. And Shanna would intrude on her brother’s date.
It wasn’t right.
He mentally ran through the list of women he’d met since moving to Missouri. There wasn’t another girl who interested him the way Shanna did.
***
Shanna fought to compose herself as the buggy rumbled along the dirt road. An occasional tear escaped one of her eyes and rolled down her cheek, but neither Matthew nor Joseph seemed to notice.
She felt like a world-class fool. Matthew obviously didn’t care for her the way she’d thought he did. He must have been teasing with all those remarks about marriage and then taken advantage of the situation by stealing a kiss. Why else would he be so immune to the feelings of hurt and rejection she battled because of his composed reaction? Sure, she was the one who had asked for an end to the relationship, but she hadn’t expected him to take it so well.
When they arrived at the Shultzes’, she was far from feeling ready to interact with her Amish peers. Buggies and horses already lined the driveway. It reminded her of the college campus when classes were in session, with cars parked in every available space.
Joseph found a spot, engaged the brakes, and hopped out of the buggy. He was long gone by the time Matthew climbed out and turned around to help her. She wasn’t sure she wanted his assistance, but he didn’t even ask. He grasped her at the waist and lifted her down.
“Are you okay?” He studied her, probably noticing the tracks her tears had taken, or her red eyes and puffy lids. She should have checked herself in the mirror before leaving home.
Shanna firmed her shoulders. “I’m fine.”
Matthew lifted his hand and rolled his thumb gently over her cheek. Her breath hitched in her throat, but he merely caught a tear and wiped it away. “Jah. I can see that. Look, Shanna, if you want, we could go somewhere and talk—”
“I’m fine,” she repeated.
“A walk, maybe? Will you walk with me, please?”
“Matthew.” Leave me alone.
He hesitated, his gaze skittering over her face again. He frowned, and she saw a jaw muscle jump. Then, he nodded and turned away, as if he’d somehow heard her unspoken plea.
She shouldn’t have come. She shouldn’t be here. She knew Miriam Shultz only as an acquaintance, but the idea of a frolic had sounded fun.
Of course, it was supposed to be.
She trailed after Matthew, trying to find her resolve. She would fit in. She would have fun. She would—
“Matthew!”
Shanna turned and saw a young man she didn’t know coming toward them. He was holding the hand of a pretty blonde who looked vaguely familiar.
“Jacob, Becky.” Matthew stopped walking. “Gut to see you. This is Shanna.” He held out his hand toward her.
The way his voice softened when he spoke her name was like a caress coming from his lips. His friend must have noticed, too, because his gaze shot from Matthew to her. She tried not to cringe under his perusal. Did he see an Englisch girl hidden in Amish clothing? Or did he think everything was on the up-and-up with her?
It wasn’t. She didn’t wrap her chest the way Amish women did to hide their assets. She wore the fancy garment, instead. But if he noticed—if anyone did—he was focusing his attentions in the wrong place.
Her breath caught again. Had Matthew noticed her assets during their embrace?
Jacob smiled. “Hi, Shanna. Nice to meet you.”
Matthew gently took her arm and drew her nearer before releasing her. “Jacob is my best friend from Pennsylvania. He moved out here before I did. And this is Becky Troyer.”
Shanna did remember Becky. Quiet. Shy. A bookworm. And the best cook in the district. Shanna tried to find her smile. It wobbled some.
“They’re the ones we’re going fishing with tomorrow,” Matthew told her. His expression added, “If you still want to kum.”
Becky stepped forward, but she still clung to Jacob’s hand. “Gut to see you again, Shanna. I heard you were back.”
What else had she heard? Shanna didn’t know what to say or how to react. She’d been in the fancy world long enough that she was tempted to behave with slight arrogance, maybe say, “All gut, I hope.” No Amish girl would be so bold.
Something stayed her. Becky looked kind. Maybe she’d be a friend.
Shanna needed a friend. Especially since she’d gone and ruined her relationship with Matthew.
Somehow she found the strength to move one step closer. “It’s nice to see you again, Becky.” Becky looked happy. Comfortable. In love.
Shanna glanced at Jacob again. Pennsylvania sure grew some good-looking buwe, and bold ones, too, considering how openly he held Becky’s hand. Yet, as shy as Shanna remembered Becky to be, maybe she needed that. Her gaze moved to Matthew. Of course, he was good-looking, too. So cute. Ach, why couldn’t she have met him before her rumschpringe?
Matthew grasped Shanna’s elbow but released her quickly. “We’re just getting here. Are you leaving already?”
Jacob shook his head. “Nein, not leaving. Going for a walk down by the pond.”
“I’m going to join the volleyball game, I think, after I say hi to the birthday girl.” Matthew gestured to the net set up near the barn, where a game was already in session.
Jacob nodded and took a step, then hesitated. “You want to go with us, maybe? You and Shanna?”
Matthew smiled. “Nein, danki.”
Shanna wished he’d said “Jah,” but then, why would he? They weren’t a couple. He needed to find a woman to marry, and hanging out by the pond with Shanna wouldn’t advance that goal.
She was suddenly jealous of this nameless, faceless woman, yet unknown even to Matthew, who might claim his heart.
***
After Jacob and Becky left, Matthew turned to Shanna. “Do you want to go see Miriam? I can get you some cake and something to drink, if you like.”
She tilted her head, studying him. Her eyes still glimmered with unshed tears, but she seemed to be composing herself. He wished she would agree to walk with him so they could sort this out, but she wasn’t inclined to do that.
He didn’t know how a talk would fix things, though. It seemed pretty cut-and-dried. She wasn’t likely to adjust her thinking, and he wouldn’t change his.
If a relationship was to develop between them, it would be up to the Lord.
In the meantime, he intended to be a friend to Shanna. Someone she could grow to care for and maybe love. He wouldn’t press her, and he definitely wouldn’t push her away.
“Jah, we can do that. Wait, do I look okay?”
He let his gaze rove over her face. Devoid of makeup, she was just as lovely as the girl who’d arrived five days ago. Maybe even prettier, since this was natural.
“You’re beautiful.”
�
�Seriously. Are my eyes red and puffy or anything?”
He studied her again. “Nein. You’re gut.”
She huffed as if she didn’t believe him. He wished that she could see what he saw—gorgeous golden-brown hair that reminded him of autumn leaves, with just a hint of red mixed in. Brilliant green eyes with long, dark lashes. A slender build, but one that still boasted generous curves in all the right places.
“Ach, Shanna. You are beautiful.” Ich liebe dich. He swallowed the words. Saying them would only serve to complicate matters more.