by Breena Wilde
Austin followed me. I went to the kitchen. It was almost time for Emma to eat again. How would he handle feeding her, burping her, changing her diaper? Sure, babies were cute, but they were also a lot of work. They were sometimes messy, and smelly, and irritating. I adored everything about Emma, but then she’d come from me. Austin wasn’t around for the pregnancy or the birth. He had no connection with her other than what he was doing now.
I glanced into the living room and saw Austin sitting on the couch holding Emma’s head in his hands out in front of him. Her body was a little longer than his forearms. He was bouncing her up and down gently while whispering. She tried to reach out and grab his face and he kissed her fingers.
Another wave of lust ran through me. God, was he being so sexy on purpose?
Emma let out a little whimper.
Austin looked up and smirked. “You’re getting her something to eat, right?”
I shook myself out of my lusty haze. “Yes.” My voice sounded hoarse and Austin winked. “It’s almost ready.” I put the lid on the bottle and brought it over.
“See, mommy’s handling it. Yes, she is.”
“Want me to feed her?” I asked, picking up a burp cloth from the rocking chair.
“I’d like to, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure,” I said, unconvinced he really wanted to do it. “You’ll need to burp her after three ounces. Do you know how?”
Austin’s face grew serious. “When she’s ready, I’ll let you show me.”
He scooted back on the couch and turned Emma so her head rested on his right arm, then put the bottle in her mouth. Emma had recently started to reach out to the bottle and “help” me hold it. She did that with Austin and I watched his face melt. “Willow, she’s the most amazing child I’ve ever seen.” He kept his eyes on Emma and continued. “I’m so sorry I doubted you. My wife and I tried for years. When we finally decided to be tested our doctor told me it was highly unlikely I would ever be a father.”
“Did he say why?” I asked, sitting in the rocking chair, watching him—admiring him, really.
“He said I didn’t have enough boys in the tank.” Austin shrugged. “We talked about other methods, but not too long after that appointment she got sick and our focus changed.” His eyes met mine. “I—” his eyes watered. He closed them and shook his head slightly. “A fifty-fifty shot isn’t good enough. I won’t lose you, Willow. Understand that?” He opened his eyes and they pierced me, held me in place.
I leaned forward, clasping my hands together. How could I make him understand what he was saying? It was obvious he cared and that felt good, damn wonderful in fact, but… “Austin, we haven’t seen each other in fifteen months, and while it’s obvious you’ve taken to your daughter and she you…” I paused unable to go on.
From the moment I received his email every feeling I’d ever had for him returned in full. It was possible he’d kept his feelings for me.
“Willow? Will?”
I shook away my thoughts. “Yes, Austin.”
“She’s ready to be burped.”
“Oh, right.” I went and sat next to him, then took Emma. “Hey baby girl.” I sat her on my lap, one hand on her back, the other near her head in front. The burp cloth was in the hand near her face. “Babies used to be burped by patting them on the back while you draped them over your shoulder, but my pediatrician showed me this way. See, if you just lean her over a little and rub her back—” Emma interrupted with a burp. “See? It works really well. Wanna try?”
“Sure.” Austin took her and copied the way I’d been holding Emma. When the burp cloth was in his hand I helped him put it in the right spot. “Like this?”
“Yep, you got it. Now just gently rub her back.”
Austin did and Emma burped twice more.
“Easy, right?”
“Not too bad,” Austin said.
I snickered. “Good, ‘cause when you’re done feeding her you get to change her diaper.”
He grimaced and then winked.
“I’m going to make something to eat. Any requests?”
“Whatever you’re having,” he said, his focus back on the baby.
I made two bologna and cheese sandwiches with a little mayo, a side of chips, and a bunch of red grapes. I set the plates on the table and went back into the living room. Austin was burping Emma again. I leaned against the wall and watched. When he glanced up I smiled. This—he, Emma, and I together—I could get used to it. But the fact remained he was oil royalty. He had responsibilities, meetings to attend, money to make, an image to keep up, and probably a lot of women with no kids and no cancer vying for his attention. This wouldn’t last long. He’d realize all of that soon enough and then he’d leave again.
Even if he said he didn’t want to, he’d have to. It wasn’t like he could give his life up for me.
“Lunch is ready,” I said, trying to fight down my sadness.
“Good, I’m starved,” he said, standing and handing me Emma’s empty bottle.
“Give her to me. I’ll change her and you can eat.”
Austin shook his head. “I’ll change her. You just show me what to do.”
“Okay,” I said, following him into Emma’s bedroom.
He laid her on the changing table and scooted over. “Show me.”
I went through the steps, talking as I did things until her diaper had been changed. “Think you can handle it?” I asked when I was finished.
“Of course,” he said waving his hand at me nonchalantly. “Although you might have to show me a couple more times.”
I laughed. “Fine,” I said with mock sarcasm. “Let’s wash our hands and then we can eat.”
We took turns washing our hands in the bathroom and then walked into the kitchen. Austin held Emma.
I opened my arms. “Let me put her in her bouncy chair?”
Austin raised a brow. “What’s a bouncy chair?”
“Well,” I began, taking Emma and setting her in what looked like a banana chair adorned with elephants, monkeys, and birds on it. “This is a bouncy chair.” I buckled her in and Emma started to kick her legs. The chair bounced with her movements. “See, it bounces.”
I picked it up and set it on the table. “Never leave her on the table or a counter unattended. The whole chair can move and she can fall, okay?”
“Good to know.” He reached out and covered my hand with his large one.
I pushed his plate in front of him: a whole sandwich, plus half of mine. “Hope you like bologna.” I gave him a cheeky smile, ready for him to get totally grossed out. He’d probably never even seen bologna up close.
He surprised me and took a big bite of the sandwich. Chewed, swallowed and smiled. “Delicious. The best Christmas dinner I’ve ever had.”
“Really?” I couldn’t help but laugh. It felt good and I took a grape and popped it in my mouth.
Austin reached out and touched my shoulder. “I’ve noticed you seem thinner than the last time I saw you. Is that because of the medication?”
I swallowed and nodded. I wasn’t ready to discuss my cancer again. It was what it was.
“I made some calls. Since it’s Christmas it was difficult to get a hold of her, but I finally did, and Dr. Freedman agreed to look at your chart and meet with you on Monday.”
“I see. And where does this Dr. Freedman have an office? Portland?”
“No, she’s in Dallas and she’s the most renowned in her field.”
I put my hands in my lap and gritted my teeth, steeling myself for the fight I felt coming. “How am I supposed to get there? Drive? Fly? I can’t afford that, Austin. And then there’s Emma. Am I just supposed to drop everything and leave her? Leave my job, my family, everything and everyone I’ve ever known? For how long? And do all that just so she can tell me that I have a fifty-fifty chance. I can’t do that, Austin. I won’t.” I turned so I faced him. “I won’t do it.”
Austin tossed the remainder of his sandwich back on his plate
and wiped his hands on a napkin. “Willow St. James, why do you think I sent you an email?”
I snorted. “The bigger question is why did you leave without saying good-bye?”
“I told you—” Austin began but I cut him off.
“Yes, I know, you said you had to get over you wife.” I squeezed my hands together. “I get that. What I don’t understand is why you couldn’t have told me what was going on. You said you loved me. God, I loved you too. So much.” I blinked back tears as the pain of his leaving clenched my heart. “But you didn’t trust me. You didn’t call or text or email. You could’ve friended me on Facebook. Instead you totally cut me out of your life without even the slightest reason why.”
He reached out to touch my face but I back away.
“I found out I was pregnant. Then I was told I had cancer. And then I had a baby. Those are huge moments, Austin. Huge.” As hard as I fought the tears still came. God, how many times had I wanted to talk to him, tell him how I was feeling, and now that I started I couldn’t stop. “And you weren’t there for any of it.”
“I know,” he said.
“You know?” I growled, frustrated. “You don’t know.” I slid my chair out and the legs scraped against the linoleum. “How can you say you know anything about me anymore?”
He stood too and came toward me.
“No. No. No,” I bawled, backing away from him. “Were you there when I had morning sickness? When I couldn’t even keep down crackers or water? Were you there when I went in for the first ultrasound? Or when the doctor came in and told me there was a growth on my spine? Were you there when the doctor told me I should abort the baby and start chemotherapy, or when I made the decision not to?” I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to force down the screams. It didn’t help.
Austin tried to come toward me again, but I stuck out a hand.
“No. Stop. Don’t come any closer to me. Don’t fucking come any closer.”
He stopped. His eyes were wet and he wiped at them with the back of his hand. “You’re right,” he said. “I wasn’t there when you needed me.” He balled his hands into fists. “Shit, Will. I get it.”
Emma started to fuss, probably sensing the tension in the room. Austin turned and it was then that I noticed that a portion of her chair had gone over the ledge of the table. The chair began to tip. I watched in horror as it moved, taking Emma down.
“Austin,” I whispered ferociously.
He saw what was happening and caught her while she was in the air. “I’ve got her,” he said calmly. “I’ve got her.”
I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands.
Yes, he did have her, and wasn’t that what I wanted? No matter what happened to me, she would have a parent. Austin really seemed to love Emma and she seemed to like him. If nothing else, there was that. She would have a father.
“That’s good,” I whispered. “Thank you.”
My mom and sisters walked into the house at that moment. They came through the door in the kitchen. I heard the squeak when she pushed it opened and the edge smacked into my shin.
“What the hell?” Sara yelled.
“Willow. Willow.” My mom rolled me onto my back.
“What did you do to my sister?” Liv asked, stepping over my mom and I.
“Nothing,” Austin replied. “Can you take the baby? I need to go to her.”
“Damn straight,” Liv said.
My heart began to beat loud. I couldn’t hear anything else. Every movement happened in slow motion. I began defining time by the beats of my heart.
Beat one, Austin’s boots came into view.
Beat two, my mom and sisters moved out of the way.
Beat three, Austin picked me up.
Beat four, I opened my eyes to Austin’s worried features.
Beat five, he leaned down and kissed my forehead.
Beat six, he said something to me. What, I don’t know, but I couldn’t stop watching his beautiful lips.
Beat seven, I closed my eyes.
Beat eight, everything went dark.
When I opened my eyes it was to an extra bright light. The room was bathed in it. The walls were painted a frosted blue. Navy curtains hung at the three different windows. Austin sat on a cushioned window seat and was gazing out the large bay window.
It was difficult not to suck in a breath at how handsome he was. His dark hair went past the collar of his gray pinstriped suit. The muscles on his arms and back strained against the jacket, making them more pronounced. He was turned so I could see his angled profile, the length of his lashes that curled slightly at the ends, and soft lips. My belly fluttered with wispy butterflies.
“Where am I?” I asked when he turned.
He stared a moment as though he were coming back from a long trip. “This is a bedroom in my house.”
I sat up quickly, too quickly, and felt immediately woozy. The soft plaid comforter fell to my waist, revealing a white nightgown. My nipples were hard and poked through the thin cotton. I pulled the comforter over my chest. “How the hell?” That wasn’t where I wanted to begin. “Why?” I finally asked. “I told you no. What about Emma?” Didn’t he understand I couldn’t be away from her? I didn’t know how much time I had left. Six months. Two years. But I knew I didn’t want to miss any of my time with her.
Austin stood, came over to the bed, and sat. His hand reached out to touch my knee. Even through the covers my body responded to him.
“Emma is here. She’s sleeping.” He indicated a monitor on the nightstand.
“How long have I been out?”
“Almost twenty-four hours. I carried you to your room when you passed out. Your mom helped me pack a few things for you and Emma. I had a driver take us to the airport. Emma, you and I flew on my jet from a little airstrip near Bandon to Dallas.”
While he talked my mind reeled. I didn’t remember any of it. And what about Emma? Who fed her? Changed her? Took care of her?
Austin continued, “When we arrived here, I carried you to this room.”
“And Emma?” I asked. “When’s the last time she ate? What about changing her? What about naptime and playtime and— ”
Austin squeezed my knee. “I handled it. Emma is easy to take care of. She cries when she wants something. There are only so many things she could need.” He shrugged. “I figured it out.” Then he smiled. It was a sad smile. “Her mother, on the other hand, is a bit more difficult to understand.”
I sighed and leaned back. “I’m not difficult. I told you what I wanted. Coming here wasn’t the answer.” My hair was a curly mess and hung in my eyes. I tucked it behind my ears. “Here’s how our appointment with your doctor will go. Ready?”
Austin turned so he more fully faced me. “Please. I’m all ears.”
“Your doctor will run a bunch of tests. After a day or two, she’ll call me into his office. Her face will be serious. Then she’ll clear her throat and tell me… the exact same news I got from my doctor. That I have a fifty-fifty chance of survival.”
“You don’t know that,” Austin said, him face grim.
I wasn’t done. If he thought he could have me and my daughter delivered to his house like some kind of package, he’d better fucking think again. So, yeah, I was just getting started. “And what about this nightgown? Was this something your wife wore? Am I like the new doll—your replacement wife? Is there a whole closet full of clothes to go along with this?” I pulled at it disgustedly.
Austin stood. “What kind of man do you think I am? What kind of person?” He moved to the door. “When my wife died I had her things packed up and sent to her parents, except two items that were too personal to part with.” He shook his head and my heart sank to my toes. “I get why you might worry, but that’s why I took off. I was worried about those same things.” He came back over to the bed and touched my face. “My feelings for you have nothing to do with her. They aren’t residual, leftovers from a past I wished I still had.” He tucked his hands in
his pockets. “You’re completely unlike from her. You’re fiery, independent, and full of life. She… was different. Quiet. Reserved.” He gave me a pointed look. “Well mannered.”
I huffed. “What are you saying?” If he thought he was making the situation better he was fucking wrong.
He tapped me on the nose and sat. “I’m saying you’re difficult, a total pain in the ass, and for some reason I adore all of it. All of you.”
I wanted to stay mad. He was obviously a man used to getting what he wanted, probably because he was spoiled rotten as a child, but I saw the sincerity in his eyes, the kindness in his face. What he’d done—basically kidnapping Emma and me—he didn’t do because he wanted to control but because he really, truly cared.
I sighed. “For some reason I adore you too, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to go back. I can’t stay here. I have a job, a home, my mom and sisters. I have a life. And as much as I appreciate what you’re trying to do, it isn’t right.”
Austin ran his hands through his hair. “God, woman. You’re infuriating.” He grabbed me by the chin. “Do you still love me?”
That was putting a girl on the spot. “I-I told you I did. I do. I never stopped loving you, which pisses me off because you left me—twice, you son-of-a-bitch. You don’t trust me.”
“It isn’t that I don’t trust you.” He closed his eyes a moment and opened them again. “I usually think my decisions through. I’m usually clear headed and…” He shook his head. “With you, everything is different. Please know I made stupid mistakes, and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? Love me despite my faults?”
I thought about it. He’d left the first time without a word. The second he’d believed I was lying. His decisions were stupid, but I could understand why he did what he did. Before that, from the moment we met two summers ago, I knew he was the one. Time and a couple of bad decisions meant to protect, not hurt, couldn’t change that.
“Yes,” I finally said, meeting his gaze.