by Claire Adams
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Wow, what do you have shoved up your butt all of a sudden?”
I gave her a glare. “Nothing is up my butt, but thanks for asking.”
“Are you mad at me?”
I sighed, “No, I’m sorry; it’s this stupid jealousy again. You seemed so chummy with his girlfriend.”
“Oh, come on!”
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”
Carla smiled. She really was a good friend. That quickly, I was forgiven. “It’s fun arguing with you. I forgot how much I liked it. What’s really wrong, baby girl?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I do have something ‘up my butt.’ I just walked in on Jace in the bathroom when he was changing. He was completely nude.”
“Shut up!”
“No…I can’t. I just saw my priest naked…again.”
Carla grinned. “How was it?”
“Terrible.”
“What?” she looked confused.
“Not him. He’s like a sculpture or something; he’s so perfect that he makes everything in my body go crazy — everything. But, it was terrible because he had an erection and I stood there for God only knows how long, staring at it.”
Carla busted up laughing. “That’s hilarious.”
“No it’s not! Stop laughing. It’s horrible, Carla. This whole situation is horrible.” I was on the verge of tears. She finally stopped laughing and said,
“I’m sorry, Daph. You’re right, it’s not funny. It’s not funny because you’re so upset about it. Honey, God is going to forgive you for this…for all of it. You’ve been the best Catholic I know for as long as I’ve known you. My mother pushed me to be friends with you specifically for that reason.”
“Really? We’re friends because your mother wanted us to be?”
“Well, at first, but you know I grew to love you. My point is that you’re the kind of girl that mothers love and mothers don’t love just anyone.” I let my mind flit to my own mother and then I tamped it down again and said,
“Just because I was good in the past, doesn’t give me a free pass to keep sinning now.”
“Keep sinning? What other sins have you committed?”
“I dream about him every night and wake up all sweaty and…”
“Horny?”
“Shut up. But yeah, I guess.”
“Horny is not a sin. It’s an actual undeniable human emotion. He was obviously feeling it, too; he was sporting that big old erection because you turned him on.”
“That doesn’t help me knowing that. It makes me more so. I’ve never really felt it before that night. And now, I’m a raging pervert. Then, there’s the jealousy; I’m committing that sin all over the place. This chick that’s hanging all over him, I’m so jealous of her that I can’t see straight.”
“She’s his ex-” Carla started.
“I’m jealous that you know that,” I told her, honestly. I was. I hated that she knew so much about the woman. I’m pathetic. Carla cracked up again. When she stopped laughing she said,
“I thought you meant you were jealous of her and Jace.”
“I am, but like I said, I’m jealous that you bonded with her so fast. I feel paranoid like she’s trying to take you both from me.”
Still laughing, Carla said, “Oh, baby girl. She can’t take me from you. I was stuck in a boat with her, so naturally, we talked. Her name is Lily. They dated in high school. She broke up with him and just recently ran back into him.”
“Did it seem like they were sleeping together?”
Shaking her head at me, Carla said, “You know, it’s hard to tell just by looking at a person.”
“You know what I mean. Did she say anything that made you think they were doing the…”
“The horizontal mambo? The nasty?”
“Okay, never mind!”
She giggled. “I’m sorry. But no, honey, she didn’t say anything to indicate that; although I’m not sure what that would be other than, “Guess what? I’m doing a priest.”
“You can be so crude sometimes.”
“I’m just trying to lighten the mood. Come on, I’m only here for the weekend. Stop stressing and let’s have fun, okay?”
I suddenly felt bad. She was right. She was here to visit me and all I was doing was commiserating over my own issues. “I’m sorry. Yes, I’m going to drop it and we’re going to have fun.”
My eyes cut over to where Jace and Lily were serving lunch side by side. He’d changed into a black t-shirt that fit him better, but was tight across his big chest and arms. Nothing about him looked like a priest right then—not that it did most of the time. What is a priest doing taking that good of care of his body? Isn’t that a sin, too? Maybe not. Maybe God just wanted them to be healthy, I didn't know.
“Stop staring at him,” Carla scolded me. “At least be more subtle. All of these other churchy people are going to notice.” She lowered her voice and said, “And then, they’ll make up a story that the two of you are fucking…only it will be true.” She had a harsh way of putting it, but once again, she was right.
Chapter 26
Jace
After we finished serving lunch, Lily and I fixed our own plates and sat down at one of the tables with them. Daphne’s friend had come up and got both hers and Daphne’s. The poor thing couldn’t look at me again.
Some of the parishioners were playing a volleyball game and some were throwing Frisbees around. Some had just gone off to explore. I scanned the park for Daphne and finally found her and her friend. They were kicking around a soccer ball with a couple of the teenage kids who had come along. Daphne had pulled her wet hair back into a ponytail again and was smiling and laughing as they played.
It was my first chance to watch her just be happy. It was nice. She was drop-dead gorgeous when she was nervous and antsy…or drunk…or angry…but happy was much nicer. Happy gave her face a softer look, and I couldn’t help but want to touch her.
I could pray over it 20 times a day, but I cannot control my thoughts or my body’s reactions. Maybe I needed to accept that. Maybe concentrating on controlling my actions would save me in the end. Or maybe I should stop looking at her…and stop putting myself in situations where I know she’ll be.
“Did you hear me? What are you looking at?” Lily started to look over her shoulder.
“Nothing. How’s your lunch?”
She looked down at her turkey sandwich and chips. With a little chuckle she said, “It’s okay. Are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“You seem a little distracted,” she said. Then she thought about it and said, “No, actually you seem a lot distracted, all day. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, really. I was just thinking that I should start loading things and cleaning up. We need to get out of here before sundown. The park is haunted, you know.” I grinned and she smiled.
“Make fun of me all you want, but I think I felt something brush up against me earlier.”
“That was just Mr. Bowers. He’s a dirty old man.”
She laughed. “Stop it. Come on, I’ll help you get stuff cleaned up. Before you phased out, did you hear what I asked you?”
“No, I’m sorry. What was it?”
She laughed. “See what I mean? Never mind, it wasn’t important. This was a lot of fun, though. I missed you, Jace.”
“I missed you, too, Lily. It’s been great catching up.” I wasn’t lying. Her constant touching me in front of my parishioners was annoying me a little bit, though.
“Maybe we can do lunch or dinner?” she asked.
I considered that. I just wasn’t sure how much time with her was too much. It’s not that it’s unheard of for a priest to have friends, even female friends. But generally, they’re older woman that the priest is certain he wouldn’t be physically attracted to. I already knew that wasn’t the case with Lily.
But the truth was that I was sure I could control myself with Lily. The fe
elings I had for her weren’t like the ones I felt when I was around Daphne. It’s like the devil himself was controlling my hormones when Daphne was anywhere near my line of vision.
Speaking of which, I looked for her again. She was still playing soccer and looking way too freaking good doing it. I wondered if she was an athlete in high school.
I realized Lily was still waiting for a response and I said, “Yeah, sure. Call me.”
We got busy then breaking things down and loading things up. Most everyone stayed around and helped so it went quickly. I had a pontoon-type boat that I was going to take the canoes back over on and there was a larger boat to pick up everyone else and take them back to where the bus and their cars were.
I said my goodbyes to most of the parishioners. I realized that Daphne was one of the ones who had gotten away. She was already on the boat. I told myself that was a good thing. I needed to avoid too much time with her, and I only made her nervous, anyway. It made me feel a little badly that she hadn’t wanted to say goodbye
I realized, however, that the boat was getting ready to leave and Lily was still hanging around. “You better catch that boat so you can get to your car,” I told her.
“I thought maybe I’d ride with you in case you need any help.” She was stroking my arm again.
“Nah, I’m good, Lily. Thanks. The boat is going to be full of supplies and it’s small so there won’t be anywhere for you to sit. I don’t have to unload the boats. They said I can just leave it loaded.”
She looked disappointed, but she said, “Okay then; it was great. We have to get together really soon.
“Yeah, it was. I’ll see you at church tomorrow.” She nodded and smiled. Then she leaned in and kissed my cheek. She let her breasts gently bump into my arm that time. My arm was getting a lot of action, and she was definitely working it.
After I got the boat back to World’s End and unloaded a few things, I headed back to the church to do some work on the next mass. I thought about calling Ryan back, but I put it off. I didn’t want to talk to him about my time with Daphne.
It wasn’t just a cheap one-night stand like the ones my brother goes looking for. She was a virgin, for one thing… Jesus, what a way for the poor thing to lose her virginity: with a priest.
I shuddered and realized that I really, really need to talk to someone about the feelings I’d been having. I still couldn’t bring myself to face my bishop or any of the priests that I knew personally, so I took a detour.
I went to a church called St Francis and sought out the priest there. His name was Father John and I’d only met him once when he came to my church in Boston to talk to us about an organization called the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy. It was founded by Fr. John Trigilio and the idea of it was to meet with other priests who might also be having desires for female companionship. It’s kind of like AA for priests who are confused by their sexual feelings. It’s all confidential, and I was feeling like I had to do something before I did something really bad…again.
“Father Jace, how good to see you again.” The elderly man was as sharp as a tack and recognized me right away.
“Hello, Father John, it’s good to see you again, too.” I suddenly felt naked in front of him in my picnic shorts and t-shirt. “Excuse the way I’m dressed, we had a church canoe trip and picnic today.”
Father John smiled. “My favorite activities are those we can do in normal clothes, Father Jace. Please, have a seat. Tell me what I can do for you.”
“This is difficult for me, Father. I haven’t spoken to anyone about it… I’m having some carnal feelings towards a woman in my parish.”
He didn’t look like he was judging me, but I’d also put it much milder than the actual truth. “Priests are human, too, son. We are often not expected to be, but we are. Have you prayed over it?”
“Yes, Father, many times. I’m hoping that maybe talking to others who have had the same feelings, getting some advice from men who understand what I’m going through, might help. I remembered what you said about the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy.”
“Yes, it’s a fabulous resource for us. I can put you down for the next meeting.”
“Great! When is it?”
“Wednesday is our next meeting.”
“Wednesday? You don’t have anything sooner?” Okay, now he looked like he might be judging me just a little bit. Maybe I was giving away that I’d already gone too far. “I’m sorry, Father. I’m just really confused.”
“I understand. Would you like to talk to me about it?”
“Have you ever had these feelings?”
“Of course. I’m an old man; I’ve had them more than once. Like I said, we’re human, too.
“You’re very young, Jace, and your body is going through the same things that other men your age are going through. Your mind knows that you’re married to our Lord, but your body doesn’t. As a priest, you expect that since you love our Lord so much, it will be easy to uphold your vows.
“But again, we’re just like any other men. How many men break their vows to their wives? We hear it in confession all the time. And, what do we hear them say it over and over?”
I knew what I heard them say. “They tell me that they still love their wives and that it was just sex…it didn’t mean anything.”
“Exactly, and I believe them. It doesn’t make it right, but I believe they mean it. I also believe that you thinking about breaking your vows when you look at a young, beautiful woman with your young body doesn’t mean you don’t love your Lord God.”
“It doesn’t, Father John. I love God as much as ever. My love for Him has gotten me through so much. Like I said, I’m just confused…and I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m going to ruin my relationship with Him, and that I’ll regret it for as long as I live.”
I’m also worried that I’ll regret not getting to have Daphne again for just that long.
“Being here is proof to me that you want to deal with this and stay true to your vows. But you and I both know that God doesn’t need to see proof. He knows what’s in your heart and your head. He knows you’re struggling. Talk to him, Jace. Pray hard. And in the meantime, if you need to talk before the meeting, you’re always welcome to come to me.”
His words made me feel better. I knew everything he said before he said it, but I had needed to hear it said out loud. “Thank you, Father John. I appreciate your help more than I can tell you.”
“I wish I could do more, son. Just please don’t be so hard on yourself. Please, remember that it’s okay to be human.”
That’s the part I’d been struggling so hard with. I wanted to be a good priest and a good Catholic and a good example, but throughout it all, I’d forgotten to remember that I was also a good human, and even a good human is not perfect, but can be forgiven. I thanked Father John again and left there about 10 pounds lighter than I’d gone in.
The next several days, I managed to make it through without one single carnal thought. I didn’t not think about Daphne, that was too much to ask, but I only thought about her in terms that a Catholic priest could be proud of. I hoped that she was doing well and I hoped that she would make it for Church on Sunday — that sort of thing. I did think about how pretty she is, but fully clothed, in dry clothes.
I went to the meeting on Wednesday, and I found out by listening to the other priests that I wasn’t as much of a freak as I had thought I was. Even the older priest there talked about having feelings of lust.
One priest confessed to being in love with the same woman for 10 years. He claimed to have done nothing about it, but she’s his neighbor and there was something in his eyes when he talked about her that told me maybe he did cross the line. Or maybe I just wanted that to be the case so I didn’t feel like the only one who was going straight to hell in a handbasket.
Thursday evening, as I was thinking about what I should have for dinner, there was a knock on my door. I was surprised to pull it open and find Lily standing there with
a picnic basket in one hand and a bottle of sparkling cider in the other.
I hadn’t heard from her since church on Sunday. She had stopped to say hello and asked again if I wanted to go out to dinner. She asked in front of other parishioners, so I’d brushed her off. I recovered from my surprise and said, “Hey, Lily! What’s up?”
She flashed me her cutest smile. One thing about Lily is she knows she’s cute. She’d not just cute…she’s hot — drop dead gorgeous hot. She’d never had any problems with poor self-esteem. If anything, she had a little too much self-esteem and it bordered on being full of herself.
I’ve always thought that the fact I turned her down was worse for her than actually accepting we couldn’t be together. I’d wounded her ego, and her ego wasn’t used to that.
Part of what attracted me to Daphne is that she doesn’t have that kind of ego. She could stand to have a lot more self-esteem, but that wasn’t even it. She thinks of others more than herself. Lily always had an ulterior motive.
“I brought dinner and a movie. Have you eaten yet?”
“Um…no, I was just thinking about it.” I was also really sure that this was a terrible idea.
In the meeting I’d gone to, I’d been advised not to put myself into situations that could get out of hand. Daphne was the one I really wanted, but Lily was just hot enough that the way I’d been feeling lately might push me over the edge. I wanted Daphne, but I’d have to be careful or Lily might just do.
“Well, are you going to invite me in?” She sounded annoyed that she was still standing on the doorstep.
Paranoid, I looked around to see who might be watching. No one was even out and about. “Um…I’m just not sure this is really appropriate, Lily. It’s one thing to eat out in a public place, but here in my home…”
“Oh, Jace. I’m not trying to seduce you, for God’s sake. It’s dinner and a PG-rated movie. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
She’d made me feel foolish for assuming she wanted me. She’s just so damned flirtatious all the time. The truth be told, though, that was just her personality, and maybe I was making too much of it this time.