“Do you mean I manifest my own future from the thoughts and intentions I have today?”
“Yes indeed. Good, you are getting it. You need to have right thoughts, rights words and right actions in the present, then your future will be as bright as possible.” He grinned at me before returning to examine the cards. “You have been accustomed to luxury and now you feel insecure, yes?” When I nodded, he continued, “A new phase of your life is beginning yet you are resisting change, afraid to trust?”
“No, I have improved. I am more accepting of change now. I accept that my marriage is over. That was hard in the beginning.”
“Ah, but opportunities are being presented yet you want to stay as you are for the sake of security.” Raúl glanced up at my face, before spreading the cards around and continuing: “Seven of cups says you must decide to use your talents. There are other cards to suggest new talents. Page of swords: a new creative talent. Ace of pentacles: a new venture could bring financial reward. ‘Whatever you sow, you shall reap tenfold.’ Kate …” Here he looked up, his eyes intent, “You have always tried to be in control but this has not worked for you. Why not let go and trust – you see? – like this card.” He pointed to the ‘fool’.
“Because that’s exactly what a fool does. Doesn’t make plans and just saunters along through life.” I fired back. The card depicted the fool ready to walk off a precipice with merely a knapsack on his back, apparently whistling as he went. Ridiculous.
“No,” he answered me, although I had not spoken. “No. You are wrong. The fool is also wise, and trusting like a child. He knows that when you trust in life and you stop trying to control everything, the universe and the divine work with you. They cannot work with you if you push them away through doubt and blame. Then you are making yourself a victim as if you are at the mercy of cosmic forces. You need to see yourself as a co-creator of your life.”
“Are you saying I should simply sit back, do nothing and everything in my life will work out fine?”
“No, I am suggesting you start being true to yourself and follow your heart’s desire rather than force yourself to fit, like – how you say? – a square peg in a round hole, because this is what you did in the past when you wanted to please people, maybe your parents and your husband. Yes?”
“Oh I get you. Yes, marrying Trevor impressed my parents and offered me financial security.”
“Ah, finally you are beginning to understand. You did not listen to your heart. Me too. I was afraid to trust in my work as a shaman and I spent ten years working in business making a lot of money. I married a woman because she was pretty and respectable – the wrong reasons to marry. Then one day, she disappeared to Mexico with my child leaving me broke.” He placed his two hands on his head as though squeezing his skull. “Ah … I had an ulcer and had to start from scratch again. Funny thing, when she was gone I realised I was happy although I had lost everything. I hope I never do such a thing again.”
“What do these cards mean?” I asked, pointing at four cards to the left.
“Here you have the card of the queen of cups, which means you are a woman men find alluring and mysterious, like a goddess. And because you have had a lot of pain and you have embarked on healing, others will be aware of your healing energy. Not consciously, but they will be attracted to you for healing. For this reason, you could attract many men but they would be wrong for you.”
“They all seem to be wrong for me,” I sighed.
“Again you must first follow your gut instinct and then listen to your heart. Next you have the card of the devil which says you must break a dependency before it becomes an addiction. You are a very driven person, very creative, but this can lead to compulsive behaviour. I have seen you carry around a little black bag with medicines for headaches and all sorts of sickness. Do you think you have a problem with needing pills?”
I felt my heart pounding as I looked at the image of the devil with horns, cloven feet and a tail. I could barely focus on the image as Raúl’s words sounded like a distant echo. I rushed to defend my position. “I take a sleeping tablet at night, but not more than one even if it doesn’t work. I can’t sleep without it.”
“You should stop all dependencies as soon as possible. When you are dependent on someone or something you cut yourself off from your own power. Imagine a powerful woman like you enslaved to a little pill! The problem is that your dependency could increase, so you must conquer this. Yes?” Raúl’s eyes locked with mine. “You know the Qui Gong exercise we did on the mountain. I want you to do this every night, bringing down the energy from your head to your feet, so that your thoughts slow down. Then you can lie down and do deep breathing. Believe in this and it will work.”
“Ok, I’ll do that,” I told him earnestly. He had voiced my own fears concerning the sleeping tablets. I had never taken a second one, even when I hadn’t slept for several consecutive nights, because I knew that could lead down the slippery slope of addiction.
“Now before I tell you the last cards I want you to pull one card from the other pack. These are power animal cards.” He fanned out the other blue pack of cards and I picked one. “Ah … Like me you are a wolf.” He beamed as he showed me the card with a wolf baying at the moon. “My name means ‘Wolf, the fearless adviser’. I think you were a shamanic medicine woman in a past life. Maybe this is the reason you like medicines.” He laughed and I joined in. “You see your last cards in the tarot are the moon and the high priestess, symbols of the Goddess Hekate, the moon goddess. The wolf is associated with the moon and learns a lot of lessons in this life; she in turn can teach others. The wolf can adapt to new circumstances and outwit her enemies. Is good. But you must remember to stop the blame. You must accept life as it is right now and then you will come into your power.”
“Oh but Hekate is a terrible goddess.” I knew from Greek mythology she was the patroness of witches. Bad enough that my birthday fell on Halloween and I’d been teased for being a witch, as I was growing up. Yuck! Hekate was even called the crone … an old witch. This is not what I wanted to hear.
“No, she is wonderful. The most integrated goddess, full of wisdom. You will learn Kate. ” He stood up. “But now I must see the others. Tell Maria to come for her reading.”
I went downstairs to the kitchen where I found James and Maria drinking tea, their overnight back packs stacked against the wall.
“Maria, Raúl wants to see you now.” I walked over to switch on the kettle and throw a bag of coca tea into a cup. I noticed James watching me curiously.
“How was it, Kate?” Maria inquired.
“Interesting and quite empowering. He doesn’t really tell you anything specific because he says the future depends on our own intentions and decisions.”
“He’s most insistent that you realise your own power as a human being. He feels we lose our power when we depend on anything or anyone to fix us,” James said. “I know that from past experience. By the way, Kate, do you know that coca tea comes from the same leaf as cocaine?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t go through the same chemical process as cocaine, so it’s not addictive.”
“Hmm … It gives a bit of a kick all the same. How many are you drinking a day?”
“Anything up to eight cups with camomile, it’s been brilliant for combating altitude sicknessm…” I suddenly understood what he was saying. “Christ, you’re a bit late warning me against it now, we’re going home in four days’ time.”
“Just start cutting back to gradually wean off. We won’t be this high up when we go to Arequipa or the Colca Canyon.”
Maria sighed. “I wish I was coming with you. I can’t believe I’m going home tomorrow. I’ll miss you both.”
“I’ll miss you too,” I said. “It’s such a pity you can’t stay the extra few days. But we’ll meet up again in Ireland.”
Back in my room, packing for the next leg of our trip, I fell into deep thought about what the shaman had said. There was no doubt he had been
very intuitive and I could finally understand what he meant about being open to change. I was excited about the prospect that perhaps I would learn to trust and follow my heart’s desire but I knew this was a process, not something which would happen overnight, since I’d always needed security.
I unzipped my wash bag to take a look at my sleeping tablets. As James had suggested I do with the coca tea, I knew I had to wean myself off the pills. But I felt I couldn’t just stop them overnight. After all, I had been taking them for the best part of seventeen years, since David’s death. But I’d needed someone to speak firmly to me about them and Raúl had done a good job of convincing me to stop. Each pill had a little line down the middle so I could cut it in half with a sharp knife. I decided I would alternate between taking a full tablet and a half tablet every other night. Then after two weeks I would cut down to a half tablet every night and eventually stop altogether. That way, I would be off them completely in six weeks’ time and I’d probably feel a lot better as a result.
When Raúl had finished all our readings, we walked downhill to the pier. The blue and white speed boat in which we had arrived was there waiting for us. The driver started the engine as soon as we were all on deck, seated under the canopy. Raúl threw open a picnic basket, for each of us to help ourselves. We were ravenous, as we had long worked off our breakfast with all the walking. The boat sped along over the calm waters of the lake, sparkling iridescent under a clear blue sky.
Between eating, our conversation turned to James’s excursions to Mayan sites. “Raúl, what do you believe the end of the Mayan calendar meant?” James asked.
“Ah that is a good question!” he said, holding up his right index finger and pursing his lips. “It was not about the end of time, rather a new time for humanity. A time of awakening to our true life purpose. I call it the Goddess power because it is the Divine Feminine … a moving away from the love of power to embracing the power of love and caring for our planet. Yes?”
“So are you suggesting that all of humanity will be swept up by this urge to change?” Maria asked.
“No. Not everyone will want to change, but in time when they have suffered enough pain and sickness, those who are wise will see the old ways are not working. It will also become apparent that we must care for our planet.”
“Can you explain how that could become a new order? I don’t understand how?” Maria asked.
“Oh, many times before we have had new orders. Just think of the ancient Egyptian empire, the Incas and the Mayans,” Raúl said.
“Or the Enlightenment in Europe,” James suggested.
“Yes, it was a similar energy in some ways – yet this time, it is not the preserve of an elite group. I need to draw a diagram for you to explain.” Raúl rooted out a hard-cover notebook from his overnight bag. In the centre of a page, he drew a vertical line, with an S-shape replete with curvy tail going though the centre.
“That’s like a dollar sign but with more curves,” Maria said.
“Yes, the dollar has been the most recognisable currency – a powerful yet one-sided symbol representing economic systems along with a love of money and power. Now look how this symbol can change.” Raúl beckoned us in closer as he drew a backwards-tailed S intertwining the first one. “Look, now do you see how it becomes more balanced, changing into a symbol of integration?”
“It’s the symbol of the medical profession – the caduceus from Greek mythology,” I answered, proud to give a well-informed answer.
“It’s also used in the East,” Maria offered. “I was in India and did some Kundalini yoga. It’s the symbol of Kundalini energy. But that’s an ancient symbol.”
Raúl grinned. “Yes, we are now looking to the wisdom of the ancients. In Kundalini the staff represents the spine in the body and one snake is ascending while the other is descending through the body’s energy centres. Kundalini is known as the integration of opposites – the unity of male and female energies within all of us. The Goddess energy moves up and down in a wavy motion along the spine, raising consciousness.”
“So what has the Goddess to do with this?” I asked.
“The Goddess is the feminine aspect of God or the cosmic breath of the universe. It is present everywhere, all around you and because it is pure spirit, you can access it so easily. You may know it as the Holy Spirit, for the Chinese it is Chi and in India it is Prana, the breath of life. All you have to do is spend time each day concentrating on your breath, breathing deeply and bringing yourself into the present moment. This is the way to banish fear from our lives and come into our hearts.” Raúl breathed in slowly then exhaled, placing both hands over his heart. “The world can be very different if more and more people take the short drop from their minds to dwell in their hearts. This way you learn to become an observer of your mind rather than take every thought seriously. When you become an observer of your monkey-mind, you learn to master it. You learn you are more than your mind, and you can live in the present moment.”
“Are you saying the Holy Spirit is the feminine aspect of God?” I asked.
“Yes, definitely. The Kabbalah refers to it as the Shekinah and in Buddhism it is the Goddess Quan Yin. They all mean exactly the same – the Divine Feminine.”
“I can’t believe what you’re telling me. I have always had a problem with God as a patriarchal figure and I have been drawn to the softer energy of the Holy Spirit. It makes sense to me now.”
“Is it easier for women to attain enlightenment?” Maria asked.
“Yes, because more women are in touch with their emotions and all women have the innate capacity to love unconditionally as a mother loves her child. However the Divine Feminine can work through men just as easily as women. And for you, my brother, is not a problem,” he said, smiling at James as we all laughed. “But remember enlightenment is about integration or the end of polarity, so we must see the bigger picture of God as both masculine and feminine.”
I was enraptured by the thought that the Goddess was making herself known to me in a variety of different ways. It seemed as if I had always felt her presence, yet she had remained in the fantasy land of my childhood books. Now I was beginning to feel her essence whenever I meditated and connected with love within myself. Maybe my ultimate healing would come about if I managed to oust the inner critic which had stemmed from the image of a judgemental, frightening God who was solely masculine.
Once back in Puno, I finished my packing for the following day’s flight to Arequipa. Afterwards, I headed down to the business centre to check my emails. It hadn’t been possible to do so, on the island, and it might not be possible for some time again. “Any news from home?” James asked, startling me as he popped his head round the door.
“Julie’s job finished in Boston and she’s back in Dublin in great form. Ella arrived home from Rio. Have you looked at your emails yet?”
“Yep, I looked earlier when we came in and guess what? I had an email from my ex, Alex, saying he missed me … So who knows, we may get back together. He says the weather’s awful though, so another few days here will help us face the winter. I’ll see you later for dinner then. Ciao!” He disappeared from sight. I felt a little tug at my heart, thinking how I’d miss James if he became part of a couple once again. Then I scolded myself for being so selfish. “Think ‘right’ thoughts,” I reminded myself as I shut down the computer.
Later that evening James, Raúl, Maria and I had our last meal together in Puno. Since Maria would be leaving the next day, we reminisced over the high points of our travels – the trek to Machu Picchu, meditating in the mountains and Amantani island. We shed a few tears, agreeing that we had learnt a lot from each other and promising to keep in touch. As we walked back to the hotel from the nearby restaurant, Maria turned to Raúl. “We enjoyed our time with you so much. You know we didn’t find Hakalan very spiritual.”
“Ah my brother, Hakalan. He has not right thoughts, right words or right actions. I am afraid life will teach him some difficul
t lessons,” he said, with a mischievous glint.
“We learned from your company, Raúl,” I said.
“My prayer for each of you is that you will find your own inner guru or goddess.”
Back in the hotel, we were all reluctant to say goodnight and decided to continue our chat, sitting in the foyer. Raúl ordered a pot of camomile tea as a night cap. I went to the bathroom. It must have been a good area for mobile reception, because my phone instantly started beeping. I had five texts. Two were from my sister Liz and three from Julie, all sent hours ago. What had I missed? I read the first text from Liz, and my heart leapt into my mouth. “Kate, Dad’s had an accident. Come straight to St Vincent’s hospital as soon as you arrive.” I felt sick and dizzy, the words blurring before my eyes. Back in the foyer, James stood up to meet me, alarmed and puzzled. “What is it, Kate? You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.”
“It’s my father! He’s had an accident, he’s critical!”
“What happened? Who told you?”
“Liz and Julie sent texts, but they’ve only just arrived. They’re all beside themselves with worry. He mixed up his tablets and crashed the car. God, my poor mother … I need to phone home straight away. I’m going to have to leave tomorrow. As soon as possible. Can we see if I can get on Maria’s flight?”
Chapter Twenty-three
The sky was overcast and Dublin looked like a concrete jungle after having spent so much time outdoors in rural Peru. We’d arrived at the hospital and James, who had insisted on coming home with me, was driving around in circles looking for a parking space.
“Do you want to hop out while I park? I don’t mind waiting until you’re ready to leave. Then we can transfer your luggage into Liz’s car.”
Love & The Goddess Page 19