James was breathing in the aroma from his mug. “It’s heavenly, Ella. Best of luck with it, darling.”
“It’s fabulous and I’m not even an avid coffee drinker,” I agreed.
“What about you, Kate – tell me all the news? You were too busy to meet us last week and you said you’d tell us everything when we met up?” This was the moment I’d been dreading but maybe they could provide an outsider’s perspective on my situation. I pulled at my ring finger to twiddle my ring, missing it once again.
Placing my two palms over my eyes, I groaned, “Oh God, I’m totally befuddled. Where do I begin to tell you everything that has happened?” I described my meetings with Geoff, Billy’s offer and Trevor’s invitation that we get back together.
“I don’t know what your problem is, lovey. The answer’s very simple from where I’m looking at it. You’ve just met Mr Wonderful and you’ve been offered the dream job. Take them both with open arms and forget about Trevor.” Ella shook her head in disbelief at my indecision. “Wicklow isn’t Timbuktu. We’d always visit you.”
“It’s not that simple, darling,” James said, looking at Ella and then back to me. “Kate and I are creatures of habit. I know exactly how she feels because I’d find it hard to leave my pensionable job for something which required me to suddenly think totally outside the box. Institutions do that to you – they provide you with a funny sense of security. It’s different when you’re under thirty-five and you’re not so set in your ways.”
“Exactly my sentiments!” I said, patting his arm. “Unfortunately not everyone’s like you, Ella.”
“But surely you’re not seriously considering going back to Trevor?” she asked, staring at me in horror.
“I’m not sure how I feel anymore. You see when Billy sprung all this on me it made me aware that I’m quite timid really. I’ll be forty-five next month and that’s like half my life over if I live to be ninety. I mean it could be downhill all the way from here and I’ve always needed to feel secure. Also I miss being part of my little family with Julie.”
Ella pounded the wooden table with her fist. “Would somebody please tell me where our friend Kate has disappeared to because I haven’t seen her for quite some time? James, are you sure that shaman didn’t steal her spirit in Peru?”
“No, she was in fine fettle but in all honesty she’s had a fair bit of trauma between the robbery and her dad.” Turning to me, he placed his two hands on my shoulders. “Kate, I think you’re just overwhelmed. You need a good rest to clear your head.”
Ella put up her hand. “Can I please ask just one question?”
“Sure, what is it?”
“What have you said to Geoff?”
“When he rang I told him more or less what James just said. That I was overwhelmed by events and confused. And even though I cared for him I needed space and time to think.”
“Kate, that’s called using your head where matters of the heart are concerned.”
“Exactly.” I nodded, glad she understood.
“No, no. I didn’t mean that was right. You can’t let your head decide what’s right for your heart.”
“Since when did you become the Dali Lama?” I asked her cynically. “It turns out I still care for Trevor. Now, that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely go back. But when I thought about moving east side I realised it’s not for me. And if I’m not prepared to move then my heart obviously isn’t totally convinced about Geoff either. I had concerns about him being involved with a woman called Myra who was in the Dominic Street art gallery with him that day. Either of you know her?”
In turn, they shook their heads. “I’ll make inquiries with my sister Lorna. If there’s a story, she’ll know it,” said Ella.
“I’ve one piece of advice from my twelve-step meetings,” said James, “H.A.L.T. What it means is never act or make a decision if you’re H for hungry, A for angry, L for lonely and T for tired, because if you do then it’s usually a reaction rather than a positive action.”
“That makes sense, James,” I said. “I’m going to try to remember that one because right now I’m in total deadlock.”
Ella had asked us to stay for lunch and a viewing of her new ’Allo, ’Allo boxset. Unable to rise to their level of enthusiasm, I left them to it in favour of a walk on the prom before returning home. At around four in the afternoon, in the privacy of my own apartment, the L word struck and I felt lonely. I was restless and craved diversion – something to lift the feelings of uncertainty and loneliness. Geoff had mentioned trying a different dating site and I’d started wondering if I could find it. I was in no mood for dating, so had no intention of putting up a proper profile with pictures. I’d only recently deactivated my profile as Demeter on the last site, having decided she wasn’t such a powerful Goddess archetype after all; she was a mother who spent half the year in mourning for her daughter and her story seemed to be as heart-wrenching as my present dilemma. I reckoned I would be better off without Demeter’s energy in my life just as I had previously discarded Persephone.
Since it’s not possible to look at members without signing up, I made a spur of the moment decision to use ‘Hekate’ as my user name. I’d read up on her recently and no longer found her as scarily intimidating as I’d initially thought her to be. The blurb on one website said she was Goddess of the crossroads and she helped people make decisions when they came to a fork in the road of their lives. I knew it was only silly but any psychological tool that helped me, from prayer to meditation, to a strong Goddess energy, was welcome right now. In the Greek myth, it was Hekate who eventually helped Demeter rescue her daughter Persephone. Perhaps it would do me no harm to have the powerful Moon Goddess in my court at the minute. I could do with resurrecting my inner bitch, especially if that meant becoming more decisive about what was best for me, Kate.
To all the questions on the dating site, I merely ticked the box saying “will answer later”. So the only information my profile gave was my age, star sign and user name. From my experience nobody would bother to give such an anonymous profile a second glance as it would get lost among a sea of more interesting profiles with photographs.
Before I’d deactivated my profile on the previous site, I’d noticed Geoff had deactivated his. Of course that had thrilled me at the time, as I felt it showed a commitment to me. But if he were to move to this website what would he call himself? Picasso and Dali were both Spanish. There was a third artist… What on earth was the name? Miro, that was it. I’ll just type “luvmiro” into “search username”. No, Nothing there. I tried “Miroesque”. My heart fell down to the pit of my stomach when Geoff’s picture and profile came up. He’d obviously given up on me and wanted to move on. Well, I supposed I couldn’t blame him. I took another look at it and printed it off. This site gave information regarding the time each user had last been online, indicating Geoff had logged off within the last hour. I couldn’t help thinking that he wouldn’t be on this if I had agreed to meet him this weekend. Maybe I should call him? Was it too late?
Just as I was wondering where my phone was, it began ringing and I followed the sound to the kitchen. “Kate, after you left, James and I thought about going out to Clarinbridge. Will you come?” Ella asked.
“But it’s the end of the Oyster festival.”
“I know. But my sister Lorna rang. She’s there with a gang of women and says there’s a bit of craic going on. Today’s a more casual day and you don’t need a ticket for the marquee. She said there’s a good band playing. We were thinking of getting a taxi and having a few drinks.”
“No, don’t bother getting a taxi. I’m not in the mood for booze so I’ll drive. I’ll collect you both in fifteen minutes. Okay?”
The only time I wear black from head to toe is if I’m having a fat day or I feel insecure and wish to appear almost invisible. Today I was definitely the latter. I ripped off the multicoloured t-shirt I was wearing and swapped it for a fitted black shirt, teamed with black scarf with white skulls
. In my three-inch wedge soled boots I looked a bit like the grim reaper as I set out to collect Ella and James.
“Hey, for someone who likes colour you’re very black today,” Ella said when she saw me.
The festival car park was thronged but I was lucky enough to get a parking space just as another car was pulling out. As we walked towards the entrance, I spotted a wreck of a red Toyota in the distance and thought it looked similar to Geoff’s. As soon as we entered the marquee, the music seemed to go up several decibels, making it hard for us to hear each other speak. The dance floor was palpitating, children and pensioners alike, flapping to the cheesy seventies hit “the birdie song”. Several young women looked very drunk as they attempted to jive in skyscraper-high heels. Some of their partners looked as though they’d slept in dinner suits from yesterday’s oyster-opening event, which would have been the festival highlight. In the far corner of the marquee, two clowns sat painting children’s faces. It was an odd mix of family day for some, hangover heaven for others.
Surveying the single men, I felt depressed to think this was the best on offer. None of them could hold a candle to Geoff. For the second time that day I thought about calling him. Later maybe I would … when I returned home.
Ella was texting her sister Lorna in an effort to locate her. “She says she’s at the left side of the bar in the other room. Follow me.” We pushed through the crowd to find the infamous Lorna perched at the bar surrounded by a coterie of gossipy women. Thank heaven it was a little bit less noisy here, because Lorna spoke faster than Speedy Gonzales. The eyes in her round jolly face lit up when she spotted me, which meant she was either eager for gossip or would have something juicy to impart to me. After introducing her three friends, one of whom was the famous Jennie whom Ella had told me dated Ray, Lorna turned her attention to me. “Well, Kate, you’re looking very rock n’ roll, I have to say. I believe it’s all off between Trevor and Martha?”
Here we go, I thought as Ella handed me a glass of soda water. “Yes, apparently.”
“Everyone said he would want you back. That tramp was never in your league but I believe she was screwing him … oops, sorry.” She clapped her hand to her mouth. “Unfortunate choice of words. So, I hear she was two-timing Trevor with a younger man? I suppose what goes around comes around.” Taking in my shocked expression, she added cheerfully, “Didn’t you know?”
“No, I didn’t.” I knew one thing though: Lorna was a dangerous gossip and was obviously fishing for a quote from me to pass by bush telegraph to all her friends all the way out to Kiltilough in north Galway. “Excuse me, Lorna, I need to talk to James. I’ll catch you later.” Just as I turned, I spotted someone who looked like Geoff across the room. I had to do a double take. It was Geoff. Then my jaw fell to the floor as I spotted Myra approaching him, curling her arm around his waist as she whispered in his ear. I blinked to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. No. It was definitely him. My stomach lurched and I suddenly felt wobbly on my high-soled boots.
“Kate, are you all right?” James asked, breaking from his conversation with Jennie. “You look as if you’ve just seen a ghost.”
“I’ve just spotted Geoff with that Myra from the gallery. He was supposed to go back to Dublin yesterday morning. He said he had to pick up his son.”
“Who? Where is he?” James asked, as Jennie listened.
“Blond guy over there with the dark-haired girl.”
“Oh, I know her to see,” Jennie offered. “As far as I know they have a son together. Her parents weren’t pleased when she took up with an artist. She used to be a dentist and has gone all bohemian in the last few years.”
“No, you’re wrong. His fifteen-year-old son has Down syndrome and lives in Dublin.”
“Not him, I’m talking about the little lad with them,” Jennie said. I turned back and saw a little boy, now perched on Geoff’s shoulders. For a brief moment, our eyes met across the room. Handing James my soda water, I said, “I have to go.” Suddenly my energy returned as rage ripped through me at the thought of having been deceived.
“No, wait, Kate. Do you want me to say anything to him for you?”
“No, it’s like what you said, James – when you’re hungry, angry, lonely or tired it’s better to do and say nothing. Just tell Ella I decided to leave. You two intended getting a taxi anyway.”
“Hang on. I’m coming with you. I’ll tell Ella.”
“Okay, I’ll be in the car.” I could see Geoff attempting to weave through the crowd in my direction, after having handed the boy to Myra. I elbowed my way quickly in the opposite direction and ran to my car, starting it up immediately and driving it around to the front of Paddy Burke’s pub on the main street. I was in no mood to listen to any excuses from Geoff. I sent a text to James telling him where to find me and as soon as he arrived I took off like a supersonic jet. “Ella’s hanging on because she spotted a couple of good-looking men. I told her we’d phone her later to explain our departure. Are you all right, Kate?”
“Mad as hell,” I fumed, as my foot pounded the accelerator.
“Look, you had the good sense not to sleep with him. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re better off without him.”
“You’re right, I’m better off without him. He told me a load of lies and I thought he was so sincere.”
“If you ask me, he probably thought you’d have plenty of money between your job and your split with Trevor. You’ve to be very careful with some of these guys.”
“I’d hate to think he could be so mercenary but you never know.” I gritted my teeth. “Anyway, another one bites the dust. At least I won’t be wondering about him any longer. God, it seems like I wouldn’t recognise a decent man if he knocked me down on the street.”
“Don’t be hard on yourself,” said James. “It’s early days yet.”
After getting home, I printed off Geoff’s profile page, tore it up and danced a jig on it before binning it. A text from him appeared on my mobile, saying, “Kate I can explain. Please call me.” Two more came in shortly afterwards but I deleted them without looking at them – I was certain it was more lies. God, he could put on a very convincing act. All that chat about being a devoted father to his Down syndrome child, and he had a younger son he hadn’t even bothered telling me about! That’s what he’d meant about his love life being complicated – why couldn’t he have told me when I asked? I briefly wondered was Myra in on some plan to scam me but dismissed the idea as old-fashioned paranoia. He’d probably treated her as badly if not worse than every other woman he met. At least two questions had been answered tonight. Geoff was ruled out and I would definitely be saying no to Billy’s offer.
Trevor had hurt me by betraying me, yet he now sought my forgiveness. Over a twenty-three year period, he had certainly treated me better than any of the men I’d met in the last three months, although if Lorna was right and he’d only got rid of Martha because she’d had an affair, it put a different slant on things. Sitting on my sofa with a cup of Lapsang souchong, I looked at the image of the Triple Goddess and I thought of James’s advice. For some strange reason this painting always soothed me, as though the three Goddesses were enveloping me in a tranquil mist, wispy as the clouds over the Andes.
I wrote H.A.L.T. on a piece of yellow card and wove it into the net of the dream catcher, which I had moved to dangle from beneath the painting. This would be my new mantra. I prayed to the Holy Spirit to please help me find the patience to hold back and wait for the answers to come rather than feel I had to rush headlong into things.
Chapter Thirty
My return to work in mid September coincided with the arrival of an Indian summer. The sun shone high in an azure-blue sky while a cool autumn breeze nudged early fallen leaves into a light-hearted dance. I thought I’d dread the start of term but instead I found myself looking forward to the structure that work would bring to my life. There were many different careers I’d imagined pursuing from anthropology to writing children’s stories, but
ultimately there was something about teaching that suited me. I liked interacting with young people and helping them. Like coaxing fledglings to fly the nest, I was always proud to meet past students and see how they’d blossomed.
Trevor had sent me several texts asking me to come back to see the house. He knew I was sentimental by nature and would have missed the house that I had spent so much of my life living in. I had always loved returning to it after holidays abroad and would tell him no five-star hotel ever compared to it.
But I told him I needed time; that right now I was busy getting back into the swing of things. I always found the first two weeks back at college draining as my job demanded long hours standing on my feet. Along with that, classes had to be planned, lecture notes needed updating and ingredients had to be bought for demonstrations.
As I stood at the top of my classroom giving the new first years an introductory talk, I was struck (not for the first time, if I’m honest) by how repetitive this had become after twenty-three years. Almost boring. But who was I to complain? After all the upheaval I’d had, boring was good in my book. I thought of an old Chinese proverb I’d heard that said “Pray for an uneventful life!” I used to think that was the most absurd saying I’d ever heard but now I understood too well the wisdom behind it.
My thoughts were interrupted by the bell signalling the end of the lecture as students gathered up their bits and pieces, shoving pencils, pens, spectacles and jotters into satchels and rucksacks.
“Ms Canavan. Can I have a few minutes?” came a familiar voice as Mike Darcey, head of my department, hovered near the door. Wearing a fawn jacket over a white shirt and with his hands behind his back he looked every inch the weasel I’d always considered him to be.
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