“Will we just go to the Grand?” suggested Cate. “It’ll be quiet enough there. My car’s across the road so it’ll only take a minute.”
Nessa nodded and followed Cate to her car. Her sister drove to the hotel at the other end of the town.
“Much better,” said Nessa as they walked inside.
“But worrying,” said Cate, “to think that we’ve abandoned the hip-hop place to be for a bloody hotel bar. I feel like Mum all of a sudden.”
“If you want to drink we can go back to the bar,” said Nessa. “But if you want to talk…”
“To be honest, I’m not sure what I want,” confessed Cate. “But let me order a drink anyway. What d’you want?”
“A glass of red wine,” said Nessa.
She glanced at Cate in surprise as her sister ordered the red wine for her and a glass of sparkling water for herself.
“On a beauty regime?” she asked. “Detoxing before the big day. Which is when, exactly?”
“It’s supposed to be March,” said Cate. “Finn’s show starts in September and ends in March.”
“Good idea,” said Nessa. “I bet he’s really looking forward to it.”
“Yes.”
“I can’t quite believe that my prospective brother-in-law will be a TV personality.” Nessa grinned at Cate. “It must be really weird for you.”
“Kind of.”
“And I know you said that you didn’t expect a media fuss at your wedding but there’ll be newspapers at the very least.”
“Maybe,” said Cate unenthusiastically.
Nessa sipped her wine. “Is there something wrong?” she asked. “Are you really worried that there’ll be publicity? Is that what the problem is? Or don’t you want to wait until March to get married?”
“Not exactly.”
“What then?” Nessa looked curiously at Cate. “Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts.”
“I—no. I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so!”
“Oh, Nessa.” Cate twisted her hands together. “It’s not me and Finn that’s the problem. It’s—well—you see, if I don’t do something about it now I could be having a baby in March.”
Nessa stared at Cate without speaking. It was as though she heard the words but couldn’t quite grasp their meaning. Yet she knew what Cate was saying. She was pregnant. She was going to have a baby!
“Congratulations!” she cried eventually. “I can see your problem all right, you don’t exactly want to walk up the aisle resting your bouquet on your bump! What does Finn think? Is changing the date of the wedding a hassle? Have you booked everything?” She scratched the back of her head. “Or does he want to bring it forward? Rush it? And you’re not keen?”
“Nothing like that,” said Cate.
“Whatever the problem is, it’s not insurmountable,” said Nessa. “Except you clearly don’t want to have your wedding and the birth of your baby on the same day!”
Cate twisted her hands together again. “I don’t want to have the birth of the baby at all,” she said blankly.
This time it was much longer before Nessa spoke.
“What are you saying?” Her eyes searched Cate’s face.
“I don’t want to have this baby.”
“You can’t mean that.”
“Of course I can,” said Cate. “I’m pregnant and I don’t want to be.”
“But—you’re getting married,” said Nessa. “Maybe you’ve got pregnant before you meant to but surely that doesn’t really matter. You’ve been living with Finn for years anyway.”
“I know,” said Cate evenly. “And I love Finn very much. But he doesn’t want a child yet and neither do I.”
“Is that what he said?” Nessa gulped back some wine.
“I haven’t told him yet.”
“Cate!”
“Nessa, I can’t tell him. He’s about to launch himself on a major new path of his career. I can’t get him into a state about a baby that I know he doesn’t want. Not now.”
“Babies aren’t like an item on a menu.” Nessa’s voice was dangerously calm. “You don’t just choose what you’re having and when you’re having it. I should know.”
“Oh, God, Nessa—I know that. I know how you feel about kids. I really do. But you should know that I feel very differently. And it’s not just Finn’s career. It’s mine too. I had a really shitty first half of this year but things are beginning to turn around and it’s all because of some very hard work I put in. This is important to me too. It means that I can live with Finn on an equal footing because we’ll both be doing well, not just him. I can’t if I’m up the spout.”
“Don’t talk about it like that,” said Nessa furiously. “As though it’s a lifestyle choice.”
“It is a lifestyle choice,” Cate told her. “I have to make a choice, don’t I? To have children or not to have children. It’s my decision to make.”
“Sometimes you don’t make the decision,” said Nessa. “You want them but you can’t have them. You don’t want them but you get pregnant. Or you get pregnant when you didn’t quite expect it. That’s the way life works, Cate. You can’t plan it all like it was a marketing campaign.”
“I know that,” said Cate impatiently. “I’m not saying that you can have everything you want. But nobody has to have a baby they don’t want.”
Nessa stared at her. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“I’m afraid of being pregnant,” said Cate. “I thought that maybe if we decided to have kids and if I was totally committed to the idea then I’d be able to do it. Because it’d be like going on a long-haul flight or something. You don’t want to, you don’t like it, but if it achieves your objectives you put up with it. But from the minute I discovered I was pregnant I was terrified. And I’m still terrified. I don’t want another life invading my body and I don’t want nine months of having my insides rearranged and feeling sick and not being able to drink and I absolutely, definitely and categorically do not want to spend twelve hours panting and pushing while doctors with forceps and scissors and God knows what else are attacking the most vulnerable part of my body.”
“You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my life.” Nessa stared at her. “I can’t believe I’m hearing you say all this.”
“Why do I have to be selfish just because I don’t want to have a baby?” demanded Cate. “Surely it’s just as selfish to decide that you do. After all, the child has no say in the matter. It’s conceived whether it likes its parents or not!”
“Don’t be so bloody juvenile.”
“I’m not. Look, I know you wanted more than one kid, Nessa, and my heart bleeds for you that you haven’t had another. But you might, one day. At the same time you love Jill. You care about her. If I had a baby now I wouldn’t love it.”
“Of course you would,” said Nessa. “It would be your baby, Cate. Part of you. You must love it.”
“It’s part of me now and I hate it,” said Cate baldly.
“I thought I knew you,” Nessa said as she looked at Cate. “But I don’t. I’m so far away from knowing you as not to believe it.”
“Just because it was right for you doesn’t mean it’d be right for me.” Cate’s tone was pleading. “I simply can’t imagine what it would be like. I can’t imagine living with it.”
“So you’re saying that you want to get rid of it?” Nessa almost spat the words at her.
“You make it sound as though I’m a heartless bitch who doesn’t care about anyone.”
Nessa raised her eyebrows. “You said it.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I knew you wouldn’t understand.” Cate’s voice shook.
“I understand that you’re not thinking straight. For God’s sake, Catey, it’s a baby you’re talking about. Not a bloody sports shoe!” Nessa stared at her.
“It’s an unwanted baby,” said Cate vehemently. “You just don’t understand how I feel, do you?”
“You don’t think that’s a good enough reason?” Cate’s eyes brimmed with tears. “You think that feeling that I couldn’t possibly have a child now isn’t a decent reason for not having a child now? It’s the best possible reason, Nessa. The absolute best possible reason.”
“Nobody is ever ready,” spat Nessa. “Nobody expects it to be the way it is. God knows, I wanted Jill. Afterward, I was totally shocked at what the reality of having a baby was like. But I got to grips with it, Cate. Because I loved her.”
“Everyone says they’re shocked about the reality of having a baby! I’m not stupid!” cried Cate. “I know about it. That’s why I don’t want to have it. Because I know I couldn’t cope with it. Jesus Christ, Nessa, Finn already does ridiculous hours for radio. It’ll be even worse when the TV starts. When do you seriously think he’ll have a minute for this kid, let alone me? I don’t want his child to only know him by seeing him on the telly or hearing him on the radio. And I don’t want to have to fit in a school play between a product launch and my monthly sales meetings. We can’t have this baby, Nessa. We just can’t.”
“Listen to yourself,” cried Nessa. “You’re comparing having a family life with a monthly sales meeting.”
“I’m not.”
Nessa finished her wine. “You can adapt, Cate,” she told her sister. “You could adapt. But you can’t possibly have an abortion.”
“I’m going to.” Cate blinked rapidly. “I hoped you’d support me. But I don’t care if you don’t.”
Nessa stood up. “Do what you have to do,” she said coolly. “But don’t ask me to support you. Because I won’t.”
Finn flicked the remote control and stopped the video tape as Cate walked into the apartment. But she knew that he’d been watching videos of himself as he rehearsed parts of his show. She found it touching that he didn’t want her to see them, that he didn’t want her to see any weaknesses in his presentation.
“So, how was Nessa?” he asked as she threw her bag on the floor and sat down in the leather armchair.
“As always,” said Cate.
“What did she say about Adam?” He looked at her enquiringly.
Adam! Cate had totally forgotten about Nessa and Adam. Nessa had no doubt expected to be quizzed on Adam’s suspected infidelity and instead they’d spent the whole time talking about Cate’s pregnancy. All thoughts of Adam and Nessa had been totally banished by Nessa’s reaction to her news.
“Nothing much,” she told Finn evasively.
“Do you think he’s having an affair?” asked Finn.
Cate shrugged. “Wouldn’t surprise me. Nessa’s a very predictable woman, isn’t she? And maybe Adam is fed up with having his home-cooked dinner every night and his freshly pressed boxer shorts laid out for him every morning.”
“Cate!” Finn looked amused. “I thought they got on well. Adam likes being looked after, doesn’t he? And Nessa likes doing the looking after.”
“Only if she thinks the person is worth it,” said Cate.
Finn raised an eyebrow. “Have you had a row with her?”
Cate hesitated.
“Oh, Cate, how could you possibly have had a row with her when she’s clearly not thinking straight.”
“She seemed to be thinking straight enough to me,” said Cate.
“I feel sorry for her,” said Finn.
“Sorry for her?”
“It means everything to her, doesn’t it?” he asked. “If Adam leaves, then what has she?”
“A bloody big house and the kid she’s always wanted,” said Cate sourly.
“You really did have a row!”
“She’s so one-dimensional,” said Cate. “She can only see her own point of view.”
“Which makes it all the more likely that Adam is having an affair, d’you think?”
“I wouldn’t blame him,” said Cate.
“You don’t really mean that.”
“Listening to her tonight I could understand it,” Cate told Finn.
“Bloody hell.” He grinned at her. “The other day you were ready to murder Adam for cheating on her. Tonight you seem to think it’s all her fault.”
Cate sighed. “Oh, I suppose if he does leave her I’ll rally around.”
“Don’t fall over yourself doing it,” said Finn.
“What’s with you?” she asked. “You said that there were two sides to it but now you’re taking hers. I’d have thought you’d be up for Adam anyway, for the man’s right to have a bit on the side if he felt like it.”
“Do you really think I’m like that?” Finn sounded hurt.
“I thought all men were like that.”
“Cate, you are in a godawful mood tonight,” said Finn. “I don’t know whether it’s because of Nessa or something else entirely but I’ve never seen you in such bad form.”
“Do I have to be in good form all the time?” she asked. “Am I not allowed a black mood from time to time?”
“Depends on who’s causing it,” said Finn.
“It’s not you.” She got up from the armchair. “But I’m not good company. I think I’ll go inside for a while. Read a book or something.”
“Suit yourself,” said Finn easily. He waited until she’d gone into the bedroom before he pressed play on the remote control and watched himself doing the introduction to his show for the twentieth time.
17
Sun in Leo, Moon in Leo
Charismatic and attractive, believing your own publicity.
Nessa didn’t go straight home from her drink with Cate but instead walked to the seafront and, ignoring the drizzle, sat on a rock watching the tide ebb and flow. She couldn’t believe what her sister had told her. She was caught between rage and disgust at Cate’s proposed abortion and jealousy that her sister was pregnant at all. Why is life so fucking unfair, she cried silently. Why don’t things happen the way we want them to? Why was the wrong sister pregnant? Why was her marriage under threat? Why, why, why couldn’t good things happen?
She sat there for a long time as people walked along the seashore. Couples, of course. And women walking together. It was funny, thought Nessa, how often you saw groups of two or three women walking together but you rarely saw groups of men. She supposed they were all in a bar somewhere, talking about sport. They were right, she decided, not to try to share problems like women did. It didn’t always make things better. And, she thought as she finally got up, she hadn’t even shared hers with Cate. She’d been too caught up in her sister’s revelations to even think about herself and Adam.
She’d come down from the high she’d felt when she decided that Portia Laing had made a mistake about Adam. She was being stupid. The girl hadn’t made a mistake. Adam had kissed someone. She had to accept that fact. But, every time she came close to accepting it, another excuse would form in her mind, another reason why Portia’s story was incorrect, just to confuse her even more. She was exhausted from the leaps in her emotions—relief and joy every time she thought of a reason that Portia might be wrong, to the deepest despair when she could only believe that the girl was absolutely right.
She walked back to the car and drove home. When she walked into the house she found Adam sitting in front of the TV, a giant size bag of tortilla chips and a bottle of beer beside him.
“Have a good time?” He looked away from the screen.
“Fine,” she said. There was that word again, she thought, as she took off her jacket. Fine. And things still weren’t fine. Not with Cate and not with her. A month ago they would have been fine. A month ago she would have told Adam all about Cate and her pregnancy and
the awfulness of her decision not to have the baby. They would have talked about it together and he would have shared her views but, knowing Adam, would have said something nice and comforting about Cate too. And maybe he would have helped Nessa to get over the anger that still coursed through her at Cate’s attitude. But now she simply sat on the sofa beside him and picked up a magazine.
“Jill went to bed ages ago.” Adam was still watching the TV, he didn’t bother to turn to her.
“Good,” said Nessa. She flicked through the pages of the magazine although she’d read it before. It was the issue of New Woman that she’d bought on the day when she’d first learned that Adam had been seen shoving his tongue down another woman’s throat. She bit the edge of her thumbnail and glanced at him. He was absorbed in the TV program again, some kind of cop drama, she realized. The sort of program he enjoyed. She wasn’t really into cop dramas herself but she watched them whenever he was watching them. He assumed she liked them too. She hadn’t told him any different.
“Have a chip,” he said as the program broke for ads. He pushed the bag toward her.
“No thanks.”
“Did you get something to eat with Cate?”
“No,” she said.
“I didn’t think so. You weren’t out as long as I expected.”
“We ran out of things to say.”
He looked away from the TV and at Nessa. “Did you have a fight or something?”
“Not really.” She shrugged. “We disagreed.”
“It’s a while since you two had a row,” he said. “Hope it’s not like that last one. You were a bitch to live with while that lasted.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“You were cranky,” said Adam. “Just like you are now.”
She didn’t say anything. She wanted to but she didn’t. The program recommenced and Adam turned back to the TV.
What is wrong with me? she asked herself despairingly. I can’t bring myself to talk about Cate and I can’t ask him the question that’s eating away at my insides. I keep making up reasons not to ask him. Surely that’s not right? Surely other women don’t sit beside their cheating husbands while they watch TV and eat tortilla chips. I should be confronting him and talking about it, not pretending that it hasn’t happened.
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