by Fiona Lowe
Out of nowhere, her throat tightened and then she was gasping as long-suppressed hulking sobs heaved out of her.
CHAPTER
34
‘Helen?’ Bob’s hand was on her shoulder. ‘What’s happened?’
She didn’t dare look at him. ‘M-Milo … w-walked.’
‘And that’s upset you?’
But she couldn’t form words, let alone speak.
Bob pushed a clean and ironed hankie at her, Daisy tried to lick her and Milo struggled to be released from her overtight grip.
‘Sit, Daisy!’ Bob said as he reached down for Milo. ‘Come on, sport, let’s give Helen a bit of air.’
But the loss of the little boy’s body drove through her heart like a stake, intensifying her sobs. Shaking, she fought for each breath, battling old grief that surged with renewed intensity.
Bob’s arms circled her, the touch flattening her protective walls. She gave in to comfort and cried in a way she hadn’t done in years.
Slowly, she became aware that Milo was banging the toy hammer on her head. The touch reset something inside her and she made a strangled sound that was part sob, part laugh.
‘That’s a better sound,’ Bob said. ‘Unless of course you’re choking?’
Another laugh gurgled up and she blew her nose.
‘I know you do yoga and you’re used to sitting on the floor, but my hips are going to lock if I stay down here any longer.’ He rolled over onto all fours and pushed himself to his feet, before extending a hand.
She accepted it and rose. When her eyes focused, she noticed the large wet patch on his shirt. Embarrassment hit her so hard she almost ran for the door.
‘I’m sorry you had to see that.’
He gave her a small smile. ‘Don’t be sorry. People think it’s the bad things that undo us. But in my experience, it’s often the good stuff that trips us up, reminding us what we had and what we miss the most.’
Understanding radiated from him, offering her safety and support.
‘Jade’s right,’ she said. ‘You’re not a duffer in any shape or form.’
‘Can I have that in writing?’
‘About Jade being right?’
‘Hah! Glad you’re feeling better.’ He sat on the couch and she joined him. ‘So Milo walked, eh?’
‘He took three steps!’
As if Milo knew they were talking about him, he repeated the trick. Bob cheered and Milo grinned a gummy smile.
Helen’s heart filled with joy ringed with sadness. ‘I didn’t expect him walking would affect me. But his little face was creased in such fierce concentration and he was so stunned and delighted that he’d done it, I got excited for him. I never expected it to release a tidal wave of emotions.’
Milo lay down next to Daisy and sucked his thumb, clearly exhausted after his mammoth milestone.
Helen kept her gaze focused on him so she didn’t look at Bob. ‘I had a daughter. Nicki. She never walked.’
Bob picked up her hand and squeezed it gently, but instead of making her cry, it was oddly reassuring. She knew then she could tell him.
‘Nicki was born a few weeks early. The doctors told us it wasn’t unusual and there was nothing to worry about. But as the weeks passed and I met other women with babies the same age, it became obvious something was going on. Her head seemed smaller than other babies, and she didn’t follow us much with her eyes. Then one day she fitted. It was the first time in my life I experienced true fear.’
‘It sounds terrifying.’
Helen shuddered. ‘It got worse. Apparently when I was pregnant I got something called toxoplasmosis. Normally it isn’t an issue and I don’t even remember being sick, but it can have catastrophic effects in the first three months of pregnancy. It left Nicki severely physically and intellectually disabled and partially blind. She spent her life in a wheelchair with no verbal communication other than high-pitched shrieks.’
‘Oh, jeez. I can’t even imagine.’
She thought about how he’d watched Alzheimer’s steal his wife from him and knew he had more of an idea about loss than most people.
‘I spent years fighting the diagnosis, fighting for funding and trying every therapy under the sun. Theo gave up long before I did.’
‘Your husband?’
She nodded. ‘When Nicki was a baby Theo was pretty good, but as she got older and was obviously very different from other kids her age, he found it increasingly hard to accept. He’d look at her and only see all the things she wasn’t instead of who she was. I wanted another child, but he was adamant. Things spiralled and eventually he met someone and walked away from us both.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No need. It was years ago.’
‘Doesn’t mean it still won’t bite you occasionally.’
‘Nicki will always reduce me to a blubbering mess, but not Theo.’ She sighed. ‘To be honest, when he left it was a relief to have one less person to worry about, and the divorce inevitably followed. We’d heavily geared to buy the house, expecting I’d return to work when Nicki was one, but of course that didn’t happen and there was no NDIS back then. Our costs for equipment and care were higher. Although we’d met the mortgage repayments, we’d only been paying interest and hadn’t touched the principal. We had to sell the house. I came out of the marriage with less money than I’d taken into it, and without a way to earn much beyond a carer’s benefit.’
‘Where did you live?’
‘I moved in with my mother. She was starting to fail and I looked after her and Nicki.’
‘And they’ve both passed away?’
‘Yes. Nicki lived longer than anyone expected and she died of an overwhelming infection when she was twenty-two. It broke Mum’s heart. She died a few months later.’
‘When was that?’
‘Five years ago.’
‘Did you come to Boolanga for a river change?’
She looked into his craggy face and read care, kindness and a complete lack of judgement. The fact he’d only ever been accepting of the women in the park drove her to tell him, but niggling doubt remained. In her experience, it was one thing for people to ‘help the underprivileged’ and feel good about it in the process. It was another thing entirely to have an underprivileged person inside your friendship group.
He’s great with Jade.
He fathers her.
The thought that Bob might turn his paternalistic tendencies towards her was enough to change her mind. But was their friendship worth anything if she withheld the truth when he’d only ever been open and honest with her?
Does it matter?
For the first time in years, she knew that it did. ‘It’s a bit of a long story.’
He squeezed her hand again. ‘I’ve got the time to listen.’
‘Okay.’ She took in a deep breath and started talking. ‘I’ve only been in Boolanga three years. I was fifty-four when Mum died and I hadn’t worked since before Nicki was born. I was excited about upskilling and I went back to uni and added a graduate diploma in community services to my arts degree. I’d had so much experience as a user of community services, I figured I was the ideal person to work in them as a provider. The study was invigorating and I really thought it was my time to shine.
‘The reality hit when I tried to get a job. No one wants to hire a fifty-five year old.’ She kept her gaze on his face, watching him carefully. ‘If you own your own home, JobSeeker might keep you afloat, but it doesn’t when you’re paying rent in Melbourne. First my fridge died, then I got pneumonia and fell behind in my rent. I sold everything I didn’t need but it wasn’t enough to keep me in my flat.’
Bob’s eyes widened and he closed them for a moment, breathing deeply. When he opened them, the same warm look he usually gave her remained, but something else had joined it. ‘You’re telling me you’ve been homeless, aren’t you?’
‘I slept in my car for six months, including my first few weeks in Boolanga.’ She sighed. ‘I’m half h
omeless now.’
‘You’re not.’
‘Pfft! I am from where I’m sitting. God, I’m sharing with a baby and a twenty year old who’s currently floating on air and incapable of putting anything away!’
‘Exactly,’ he said firmly. ‘It sounds like family to me.’
‘Jade and Milo are not my family.’
Bob laughed. ‘You want her to go to uni—’
‘So she can have a better quality of life.’
‘Exactly. And in some ways you’re both pretty similar so you bicker like mother and daughter.’
‘It’s nothing to do with a mother–daughter dynamic. You try living with a twenty year old!’
‘And despite your best efforts to keep your distance, Milo’s snuck into your heart. It scares the hell out of you.’
His words rained down, unwelcome and unwanted. ‘Stick to gardening and cycling, old man.’
‘Did you know you only get acerbic when you’re scared?’
His gentle indulgence of her tantrum only made her angrier. ‘I’ve survived sleeping rough, buster. As if a toddler’s going to break me.’ Except after her crying jag, the words rang hollow, stealing the oxygen from her fury. ‘I really hate it when you’re right.’
‘Lucky it doesn’t happen often then, eh?’ He squeezed her hand again. ‘Does Jade know about your sleeping rough?’
‘Yes.’ She shot him a wry smile. ‘I used it as a lesson.’
He laughed. ‘Classic mother move. Have you told her about Nicki?’
‘Not yet. Perhaps I should.’ Her heart contracted and swelled at the same time. ‘Thanks for using her name. It’s nice hearing it again.’
‘Too easy.’
The bang of the wire door sounded and Helen pulled her hand out of Bob’s before Jade or Lachlan could notice. The last thing she needed was Jade misinterpreting empathy for something else.
Hah! Good one, Helen. As if!
And thank God Bob’s hand-holding was one hundred per cent empathy because it had been so long since she’d been intimate with a man, everything was probably rusted shut. An unwanted pang of regret curled under her ribs. She stiffened and blew out a long breath to move it on. It refused to budge.
Jade didn’t trust feeling this happy even though she wanted to. Since the Harry Potter movie, she and Lachlan had talked every night, either in person or on the phone. Helen made herself scarce, but the fact she was in the unit and Milo was in Jade’s room put the brakes on anything other than cuddling on the couch. Not that Jade had any objections to that. There was something incredibly hot about old-school pashing and restraint.
Lachlan’s mouth nuzzled her neck, sending a tingle of pure desire arrowing through her. She pressed her legs together so fast the bakery box she was holding wobbled.
‘We better get back before we drop lunch,’ she said.
Lachlan groaned and raised his head. ‘Just give me a sec, okay.’
She laughed and kissed him again.
‘Not helping!’
‘You know, if you invited me over to your place you might just get lucky.’
‘Yeah?’ His eyes lit up, then sobered. ‘That means we need a babysitter, and that means we’re pretty much telling Helen and Bob we’re having sex, and he’ll tell my mother.’
A protective streak shot through her. ‘Are you ashamed of me?’
‘God, no!’ He gently cupped her cheeks. ‘You’re smart and gutsy and gorgeous. It’s just most adults don’t usually have their family chiming in about their sex life. It’s embarrassing.’
‘It’s better than them not caring at all.’
He didn’t look like he believed her so she moved to kiss him, but as she leaned in something flashed in her peripheral vision. Her lips grazed his as she turned her head to see a ute cruising past slowly. Macca!
She leaped back from Lachlan so fast the bakery box sailed into the air.
He caught it and followed her gaze. ‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing.’ It came out sharp, defiant and utterly false. More than anything, she wished she could take it back.
‘Doesn’t sound like nothing. The panicky expression on your face doesn’t look like nothing.’
Her heart thumped so hard she heard it in her ears. ‘Sorry. I thought I saw a mate of Corey’s but I was just being stupid. His ute’s red.’
Lachlan frowned. ‘What would it matter if his mate saw you kissing me? You and Corey broke up weeks ago.’
Her mouth dried. She swallowed, trying to generate saliva.
‘Jade?’ His lovely eyes darkened. ‘You have broken up with him, right?’
Lie. But she couldn’t do it. Didn’t want to do it and smudge something wonderful. ‘Sort of.’
‘Sort of?’ Lachlan swore.
She took a protective step back, but Lachlan didn’t move a muscle. ‘I want to break up with him, okay. But he hasn’t called or texted me in weeks.’
‘You should have called him.’
She stiffened, hating that in his world people didn’t just vanish then reappear when it suited them. ‘Of course I called him but he doesn’t pick up. I’m not doing this by text.’
The ute cruised past again, only this time the driver made a gesture then took a photo of them. Fear sliced through her.
‘Hey!’ Lachlan ran, but the driver floored it and the ute disappeared around the corner. He turned back to Jade. ‘Did you recognise him?’
She shook her head as a tremble hit her legs.
‘What about the ute?’
‘I’ve never seen it before.’
‘But you think it’s connected with Corey?’
She wanted to deny it, but adrenaline was making it difficult to think let alone speak.
‘Come on,’ he said wearily. ‘You need something to eat and then we’re going to the police.’
When they reached Bob’s, she walked inside to see Helen grinning at her like a clown.
‘Guess what? Milo—’ Helen’s smile fell. ‘What’s wrong? You’re as pale as a ghost.’
‘She got a fright.’ Lachlan put the bakery box on the kitchen bench. ‘Some moron drove past us a couple of times on Park Street, before giving us the finger gun symbol. Then he took our photo.’
‘Someone you know, love?’ Bob asked gently.
Before she could answer, Lachlan said tightly, ‘Jade thinks it’s something to do with Corey.’
‘No, I don’t! Anyway, he wouldn’t send someone. He’d come himself.’
She hated the way Lachlan was looking at her as if she’d let him down. God! Why had she believed him when he’d told her she was smart and gutsy? When he said stuff like that she wanted to be her best self, only look where that had landed her. Instead of staying safe and lying, she’d ignored the warning bells and told him the truth. Now he hated her for it.
You are so stupid, Jade.
Helen suddenly sat down hard on a kitchen stool, her hands gripping the bench. ‘It happened to me.’
‘What?’ Lachlan’s and Bob’s voices drowned out Jade’s.
‘The night you had gastro. I left Riverbend and someone followed me. Every time I sped up or slowed down, he did the same.’
‘He?’
‘It was dark and I couldn’t really see, but I assumed it was a he. Women don’t tend to do that sort of thing. All I could think was I didn’t want him to know where I lived and I didn’t want to put Jade and Milo in danger. I made random turns and that’s when I saw Lachlan’s ute parked on the street. I was so relieved, I turned into the drive.’
‘Helen!’ Bob glared at her. ‘Why are you only just mentioning this?’
‘Because the car kept going and I thought I must have imagined the whole thing. It hasn’t happened since.’
‘Corey doesn’t have a reason to follow you,’ Bob said.
‘I’m living with Jade.’
‘Which brings us back to Corey,’ Lachlan said.
‘No, it doesn’t,’ Jade said hotly.
‘Why are you de
fending him?’
‘I’m not! But if he wanted to scare me why choose today? Why not when I’m walking alone with Milo? For all we know, the ute was following you.’
Lachlan crossed his arms, anger radiating off him. ‘Yeah, right. Like I have so many reasons to be followed. I broke up with my last girlfriend a year ago.’
‘You’re being such a—’
‘Let’s all take a breath,’ Bob said. ‘We understand there’s a possibility Corey could be behind it, but Jade’s right. It’s not an absolute. Who else would want to scare Helen?’
‘No one, Uncle Bob! This is Boolanga.’
‘Small towns aren’t immune to skulduggery. Grafton and Snowtown come to mind.’
Jade had no idea what Bob was talking about but made a note to google the names later. ‘That bitch Judith wants Helen gone from the garden. Hey, Bob, didn’t you say Judith used to live on a farm? The ute was muddy.’
‘I know the Sainsburys. It wasn’t any of them,’ Lachlan said.
‘Most of the people on the Facebook page are supportive of the tiny houses village, but there are a couple of nutters,’ Jade said. ‘Maybe it’s one of them.’
‘Or it’s Geoff Rayson,’ Helen said. ‘He kicked me out of the cottage, but I haven’t gone away and I’m living with Jade.’
‘The mayor isn’t going to have you followed. That’s crazy sauce,’ Lachlan said.
‘No, it’s not.’ The need to defend Helen rose up so fast it gave Jade whiplash. She thought about the many things that had been said and done to her by family and so-called friends before she’d left Finley. The memories spun into anger at herself and at Lachlan and she couldn’t stop the words from rushing out. ‘You live in a fluffy bubble of theatre people where everyone hugs each other and says “good job” even when it’s crap.’
‘I do not!’ His jaw jutted. ‘I work with farmers who are doing it tough, but at least they’re straight with me.’
‘I’ve been straight with you!’
‘Then we’ve got a different definition of straight.’ He picked up his keys. ‘Sorry, Uncle Bob, but I should go.’