I thought about Ellie and Braden and our coffee morning a week ago. “I moved. New apartment, new roommate.”
“Anything else?”
“My old roommate, my best friend, Rhian, she moved to London and her and her boyfriend just got engaged. But that’s about all.”
“Were Rhian and you close?”
I shrugged. “As close as I allow anyone to get.”
She smiled at me, a sad pressing of her lips. “Well that sentence said a lot. What about your new flatmate then? Are you allowing yourself to get close to her or him?”
“Her.” I thought about it. I suppose I had let Ellie in more than I’d intended to. And I cared about her more than I thought I would. “Ellie. We’ve become fast friends. I wasn’t expecting that. Ellie’s friends are cool, and her brother and their crowd hang around a lot. I guess my life is more social now.”
“Was it Ellie and her brother’s family dinner you had a panic attack at?”
“Yeah.”
Dr. Pritchard nodded and scribbled something else down.
“Well?” I asked.
She smiled at me. “Are you looking for a diagnosis?”
I raised my brow at her.
“Sorry to disappoint, Joss, but we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
“You think these changes have something to do with it though right? I want the panic attacks to stop.”
“Joss, you’ve been in my office fifteen minutes and I can already tell you that these panic attacks aren’t going to stop any time soon…unless you start dealing with your family’s death.”
What? Well, that was just stupid. “I have dealt with it.”
“Look, you were smart enough to know that you have a problem and that you need to talk to someone about that problem, so you’re smart enough to realize that burying memories of your family is not a healthy way to deal with their death. Changes to daily life, new people, new emotions, new expectations, can trigger past events. Especially if they haven’t been dealt with. Spending time with a family after years of not having one of your own has broken through whatever wall you’ve put up around your family’s death. I think it’s possible you might be suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that’s not something to ignore.”
I grunted. “You think I have PTSD. The thing that veterans have?”
“Not just soldiers. Anybody who suffers through any kind of loss, or emotional, or physical trauma can suffer from PTSD.”
“And you think I have that?”
“Possibly, yes. I’ll know more, the more we talk. And hopefully the more we talk, the easier it’ll become for you to think about and remember your family.”
“That doesn’t sound like a good idea.”
“It won’t be easy. But it’ll help.”
~8~
I loved the smell of books.
“Don’t you think that’s a bit brutal for Hannah?” Ellie’s soft, concerned voice asked above my head.
I smiled at Hannah, who stood an inch above me. Like her mom and sister, the kid was tall. Twisting my head around to look up at Ellie hovering behind me, my look was incredulous. “She’s fourteen. It’s a YA book.”
The book slipped from my fingers as Hannah took it before Ellie could stop her. I was spending my Sunday morning with them in the bookstore where Hannah was having a great time spending her gift card from Braden.
Ellie seemed perturbed. “Yes, about a dystopian world where teens kill one another.”
“Have you even read it?”
“No…”
“Then trust me.” I grinned back at Hannah. “It rocks.”
“I’m buying it, Ellie,” Hannah told her adamantly, adding the book to her ever-growing pile.
With a sigh of defeat, Ellie nodded reluctantly and wandered back into the romance section. I was coming to learn she was a huge sucker for a happy ending. We’d watched no less than three romantic dramas this week. However, before I overdosed on another Nicholas Sparks adaptation, I was determined that tonight we’d be watching Matt Damon crack some heads as Jason Bourne.
My cell rang and I scrambled around in my purse for it only to discover it was Rhian.
I’d emailed her last night.
“Will you be okay while I take this?” I asked Hannah.
She waved me off, her nose practically pressed against the bookshelf as she scanned the titles. With laughter on my lips I wandered away from her to answer the call in private.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” Rhian replied, almost tentatively.
I braced myself.
Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared my news. Was she going to start treating me like a headcase from now on? As in carefully? Because that would be too weird. I’d miss being cursed at for one thing.
“How are you and James?” I asked before she could say anything.
“We’re a lot better. We’re getting there. Actually, he asked me to see someone. A therapist.”
I froze in the sci-fi aisle. “You’re kidding?”
“Nope. I didn’t tell him about your email, I swear. He just blurted it out. Some coincidence.” She took a deep breath. “You really went to see one?”
I glanced around to make sure I was alone. “I needed someone to talk to, and a professional with no personal interest in my life is the only person I trust to… well… to talk to about what I need to talk about…” I frowned. Ten points for language skills on that one.
“I see.”
I winced at her tone. There was a definite bite to it. “Rhian, I don’t mean to be hurtful.”
“I’m not hurt. I just think you should talk to someone who actually cares about you. Why do you think I told James all my shit? You know, you were right before. I trusted him. And I’m glad I did.”
“I’m not ready for that. I don’t have a James. I don’t want a James. And anyway, your James still wants you to talk to a therapist.”
She made a grumbling noise. “I think he thinks if I green light the whole therapy thing, then I’m serious about making this work with him.”
I thought about how devastated James had been the night he came to see me. “Then you should do it.”
“How was it? Was it weird?”
It was awful. “It was fine. Strange at first, but I’m going back.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Yeah, that’s why I’m paying one hundred pounds an hour to a professional, so I can talk to you. I held my sarcasm in check. “No, Rhian, I don’t.”
“Fine, you don’t have to snap at me, you grumpy cow.”
I rolled my eyes. “You know I miss your face-to-face insults. It’s just not the same over the phone.”
She snorted. “I miss someone who gets me. I called a woman on my research team a bitch—you know in a friendly way—and she told me to go to hell. And I think she really meant it.”
“Rhian, we’ve talked about this. Normal people don’t like to be called names. For some reason, they tend to take that personally. And you are a tad bitchy, by the way.”
“Normal people are so sensitive.”
“Joss, have you read this one?” Hannah appeared around the corner of the aisle, waving yet another dystopian at me. I had read it. What can I say? I had a thing for dystopia.
“Who’s that?” Rhian asked. “Where are you?”
I nodded at Hannah. “That’s a good one. And there’s a hot guy in it. I think you’ll really like it.”
Hannah was delighted at that and clutched the book to her chest, before lugging her hand-basket of goodies back to the teen fiction section.
“Joss?”
“That was Hannah.” I tilted my head at a Dan Simmons novel. Ooh, I hadn’t read that one.
“And Hannah is…?”
“Ellie’s fourteen year old sister.”
“And you’re with a teenager… why?”
What was with the tone? Her question might as well have been, ‘and you’re smoking crack… why?’
“W
e’re in the bookstore.”
“You’re shopping with a teenager?”
“Why do you keep saying it like that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you’ve moved into an expensive flat, you’re spending money you were always weird about spending, you’re friends with a girl who’s seen The Notebook fifty-five times and, like, smiles a lot; you’re out for drinks with actual people on week nights, you saved my relationship, you’re seeing a therapist, and you’re babysitting teens. I moved to London and you got a fuckin’ lobotomy.”
I exhaled heavily. “You know you could just be grateful for the whole saving your relationship thing.”
“Joss, seriously, what’s going on with you?”
I pulled the Dan Simmons novel off the shelf. “I didn’t do all those things deliberately. Ellie and I get along and for some reason she likes having my broody ass around, and she has a different life than what we had. She actually likes people, and that means I’m around them a lot.”
“Joss?”
I spun around to see Ellie standing before me, a deep frown between her eyes. A rush of concern swam over me and I bobbed my head above the shelves in panic, looking for Hannah.
“Hannah’s fine,” Ellie guessed the reason for the manic head-bobbing. “I’m stuck.” She held up a paperback with a woman in a lavish Victorian dress on the cover. A masculine pair of hands reached seductively for the laces on the back of it. There was also something about seduction in the title. In her other hand was the latest Sparks novel. “Which one?”
Without hesitation I pointed at the bodice ripper. “The seduction of what’s her face. The sparks novel would be overkill this week.”
She gestured at me with the bodice ripper book and a militant nod before heading back out of the aisle.
“Seriously,” Rhian muttered down the line. “Where’s Joss, and what have you done with her?”
“Joss is getting off the phone if you’re done psycho-analyzing her.”
“Joss is speaking in third person.”
I laughed. “Rhian, get gone, okay. And tell James I said hi and yeah, he does owe me.”
“Wait, what?”
Still laughing I hung up on her and went to find Hannah and Ellie.
They were waiting in line to be served and I slid in beside them, watching as Ellie stood there uncharacteristically silent and Hannah just stared adoringly down at all her books. We should have brought a backpack for them all.
At the checkout, I watched them piling Hannah’s books into weak plastic bags, and since Ellie had spaced out on me, I pointed behind the clerk. “Hey, could you maybe pack them into those shopper bags. These ones will just break.”
He shrugged lazily. “They’re fifty pence a bag.”
I made a face. “The kid just bought a hundred pounds worth of books and you can’t give us the bags for free?”
He waved the gift card at me. “No, she didn’t.”
“Yeah. But the person who gave her that gift card did. You’re not seriously asking us to pay for something to carry them in?”
“No.” He drawled the word out like I was stupid. “You can carry them in the free bags.”
Maybe I would have backed off if he wasn’t speaking to me in that condescending ‘I hate my job so fuck customer service’ manner. I opened my mouth to set him down but Ellie gripped my hand, stopping me. I looked up at her to see she was swaying a little, her face pale, her eyes screwed shut.
“Ellie.” I grabbed for her and she held onto me.
“Ellie?” Hannah asked worriedly, hurrying to her sister’s other side.
“I’m okay,” she murmured. “Just dizzy. I have this… headache…”
“Another one?” That was like the third one this week.
Leaving the clerk to wither under my death stare, I pulled Ellie over to the side, sniping at him, “Just pack the books into the normal bags.”
“Give them the good bags,” the girl working next to him sighed.
“But-”
“Just do it.”
I ignored his irritated glare as I turned my concern to Ellie. “How are you feeling?”
Although pale, I noted her trembling had stopped. “Better. I haven’t eaten today. I just felt faint.”
“What about the headaches?”
She smiled reassuringly. “Honestly, I haven’t been eating enough because of my PhD. I’m feeling the pressure and I’m stressing out. I’ll take better care.”
“Here you go.” The clerk held out two of the heavy shopper bags.
I muttered thanks and handed one to Hannah, while taking the other one.
“Let me.” Ellie reached for Hannah’s bag.
“Oh no, you don’t.” I took her elbow. “We’re getting some food into you.”
Ellie tried to argue that she’d eat later at her mom’s Sunday dinner—a dinner I had thankfully managed to talk my way out of, telling Ellie I really wanted to get a few hours of work in—but I convinced her to at least grab a snack at this cute little bistro around the corner. Hannah walked beside us with Ellie’s hand on her back, guiding her through the crowds on Princes Street since she’d decided to start reading one of her books right away. I didn’t know how anyone could do that—reading while walking? It gave me travel sickness.
We were chatting about the upcoming Festival when I saw Braden. We’d seen each other at the bar on Friday when he, Ellie, Adam, Jenna, Ed and a few of Braden’s colleagues had decided to stop by Club 39 for a drink. We hadn’t really talked much and his attitude towards me had definitely veered into the friend zone.
I didn’t know if the feeling I got when he did that bothered me. But I did know I was feeling something when I saw him with her.
Braden was walking towards us, easily spotted in the crowd because of his height… and, well, his hotness. He was wearing dark blue jeans, black boots, and a dark grey long-sleeved thermal Henley that showcased his sculpted, broad-shouldered scrumptiousness.
In his hand was another hand.
It belonged to a woman I hadn’t ever seen before.
“Braden,” Ellie murmured and Hannah’s head popped up from her book, her whole face lighting up when she saw him.
“Braden!” she called out and his head jerked around from smiling down at his companion to follow the voice. His smile widened when he saw Hannah.
As we approached each other, I suddenly wished I was anywhere but where I was. The little kick I got in my gut when I saw him with someone else was not fun. In fact, that kick was quite possibly the worst joke that had been played on me in a while.
I also wasn’t keen on the carefully polite expression on his face when he saw I was with Ellie and Hannah.
I glanced up at Ellie as we came to a stop only to find her glaring daggers at the woman with Braden. Bewildered and frankly astonished, I couldn’t help but hiss her name in question.
She looked down at me, her jaw clenched. “I’ll tell you later.”
“Hannah.” Braden hugged her into his side and nodded at her bags. “Been spending your gift card?”
“Yeah. I got loads of books. Thanks again,” she added shyly.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” He let her go and turned to us. “Els, you’re looking pale. You okay?”
She was still glowering at him and I wanted to know what the hell I was missing. “I was feeling a bit faint. I haven’t eaten.”
“I’m taking her to get some food.” I thought I should mention that, so he didn’t think we were dragging her around when she wasn’t feeling well.
“Good,” he murmured, catching my eye. “Jocelyn, this is Vicky.”
Vicky and I looked at one another, our smiles polite. She reminded me a lot of Holly: tall, blonde, pretty and as natural as freaking Barbie. Still, she was hot.
Braden definitely had a type and I was not it. No wonder he’d stopped flirting with me. His sexual radar must have been wonky when we first met, but clearly it had been restored to order.
“Hel
lo, Vicky,” Ellie purred unhappily.
I couldn’t help it—my eyebrows hit my hairline before I could stop them. Ellie sounded practically predatory.
I was impressed.
And definitely curious.
Braden shot his sister a quelling look. “I had my dinner meeting last night and Vicky was at the next table. We decided to catch up. Thought we’d grab some breakfast.”
In other words, Vicky was at the next table and they’d hooked up. I shrugged off the unfamiliar uneasiness that came over me. My chest felt a little sore and I was feeling a little queasy. Maybe Ellie wasn’t food-deprived— maybe we’d both eaten something bad yesterday.
“Nice to see you again, Ellie,” Vicky replied sweetly. She seemed nice enough.
“Hmm.” Ellie blatantly brushed her off, rolling her eyes and then skewering them into Braden. “Are you coming to dinner this afternoon?”
I watched the muscle in his jaw flex. He definitely wasn’t amused by his sister’s attitude. “Of course.” His eyes travelled back to me. “I’ll see you both there.”
“Joss can’t make it. She has stuff to do.”
He frowned at me. “It’s just a few hours. Surely you can squeeze us in?”
In response, Vicky pressed closer to Braden. “I’d love to have dinner, Braden.”
Braden gave her a somewhat patronizing pat on the hand. “Sorry, sweetheart, it’s just family.”
Three things happened at once. Ellie choked on her laughter, Vicky reared back like he’d slapped her, and I felt a panic attack coming on.
Feeling the fog closing in on me, I breathed through it and my confusion. “You know what.” I took a step back from them. “I totally forgot I said I’d drop off Jo’s tips to her at her apartment. Today. Now, actually.” I waved apologetically. “I gotta go. I’ll catch you later.”
And then I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.
***
“Why did you run?” Dr. Pritchard asked, her head tilted to the side like a curious bird.
I don’t know. “I don’t know.”
“You’ve mentioned Ellie’s brother, Braden, a number of times now. How does he fit into your life?”
I want him. “I guess he’s sort of a friend.” When she just stared at me, I shrugged. “We had an unconventional introduction.”
On Dublin Street Page 9