Inspire

  “When her family came into town, it was awkward between us, another indication that I was ready to move on and definitely making the right decision,” he said. “So, I sat down to talk to her one night near the end of their stay, and as I started my ‘lets be friends speech’, she interrupted, divulging the fact that she had been raped.” I gasped at Travis’s admission and could hardly believe what I was hearing.

  “How is it possible to know two girls who have both been through something that traumatic within the last year? That is terrifying.” I quietly spoke and silently vowed in that moment to take Britney’s advice and never find myself unaccompanied next year at school.

  I could see the anguish in Travis’s eyes as he continued and my heart pulled for him. “Once she told me what had happened, Paige, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break up with her. Images of Britney went through my mind, and there was no way I could do to Coraline what Corey had done to her. I couldn’t make Cora feel rejected for what had happened to her by casting her aside like dirt, and I couldn’t add to her pain either. So, I decided to be the supporting boyfriend she needed in the moment, and deal with my own stuff later. I figured that some healing would come through the spring when we were apart and that by this summer she would be stronger. I was going to use the excuse of us going away to college, as a way to end things, hoping that she would understand and respect my decision. I didn’t want her to blame herself in any way, or think it had anything to do with what had happened to her,” he said.

  His eyes were filled with so much pain, and I could see that he felt burdened by the way things ended up. I couldn’t bring myself to leap into his arms and offer him forgiveness, but I was still willing to listen.

  “I was hoping to end things when Cora arrived for the summer, and spend the rest of my time trying to win her friendship so that she would forgive me. But, her parents postponed their trip and,” he paused, once again reaching out for my arm. I chose not to pull away from him this time because I could feel his wounded soul trying to grasp onto me for dear life and I couldn’t leave him drowning. “And then you showed up,” he said, running his fingers down my forearm and lacing them through mine. “Paige, I had no idea I was going to fall so hard, so fast. I thought for a second that I could keep myself away, until I made things right, but that was impossible,” he said, squeezing my hand tight.

  “So, why didn’t you tell me Travis? Why couldn’t you have just been honest with me?” I asked, desperately hoping for an understanding of all the lies.

  “Because I knew you wouldn’t give us a chance. Paige, if I had told you I was still in a relationship, you wouldn’t have given me the time of day. Why would you? You can have any guy you want,” he said, running the back of his other hand down my cheek. “And if I had told you the truth, that emotionally I was free and had been mentally broken up for a while but just couldn’t break Cora’s heart because she was raped, then you still wouldn’t have given us a chance.”

  His words rang true and I understood his reasoning. The reality was, Travis was right. If I had known he was dating someone else, there would have been no way I would have allowed anything to happen between us and would have shut my heart off from him. And if he had told me the reasons he was still with Cora, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get caught up in the situation so as to spare her any more pain. Although his deception was wrong, his prediction for what would have happened was right.

  “Travis. I understand why you lied, but it doesn’t make it right,” I spoke quietly shaking my head.

  “Paige, don’t you see. We were able to discover what’s really between us because you didn’t shut me out,” he said, wiping a tear from my cheek. “Everything I told you about myself was the truth, even my reasons for wanting to break up with Cora. The only thing that I lied to you about was the fact that I already had.” His voice was desperate, and I knew that he had regret for the way he handled things. But instead of giving him the justification he wanted for his actions, I could only think of the hard reality of the situation.

  “Even still Travis, I don’t know how you could think that lying and cheating on Cora was better than just being up front and honest with her. I’m not sure your deception was any better than what Corey did to Britney.”

  I could see how my words stung him the second they escaped my mouth. Although I regretted saying them, I was only speaking the truth. “I guess I’ve just screwed things up with everyone. I’m sorry, Paige. I know you deserve better than this, and I’m truly sorry,” he said quietly, pulling me in for a hug resting his head on the top of mine. In that moment, I could feel that this was the end for us, and everything in me crumbled. I let my tears go, and relished the feeling of being embraced in Travis’s arms. I knew that it was going to be the last time, and I wanted to savor the moment.

  “Please forgive me Paige. I will go right now and make the situation right. I will go and tell her the whole truth, just don’t give up on us.” His request was tugging at my heart, and as much as I wished that things could be different and we could be together, I wasn’t going to let myself be the cause of any more pain to a girl who had suffered enough. I had seen the anguish in Britney’s eyes when she had told me about her past, and I could only imagine how much worse it could have been if she had then found out that Corey had cheated on her and told her that his heart belonged to someone else. Even though I didn’t know this Cora girl, and hated her for cheating on Travis (which I assume was out of spite,) I wouldn’t be the one to cause her any more suffering.

  “And what? Go break Cora’s heart the second she has arrived? Rip her to shreds after she has already been through so much? NO!” I shouted. “You know you can’t do that. It will crush her. She is fragile Travis, and you have to handle this with care. Unfortunately, that means more lies and I can’t stick around for any more lies. I’m sorry, I have to go.”

  I pulled away and went running towards my friends. There was no time for me to go and find everyone to say goodbye. I needed to get away and fast. I couldn’t breath being there any longer so I ran straight to Tracey’s car. Without saying a word, Tracey slid in the back seat with me and Tom and Jared hopped in the front. They started the car knowing exactly what I needed and pulled out of Willow Falls. Tracey held me the entire drive and let me just cry in her arms. Nobody added their two cents, or tried to soothe me with spoken bandages, they just drove and offered me the quiet comfort that I needed.

  As every mile passed between us and the campground, the sadness grew stronger. I was heartbroken and knew that I was leaving the love of my life behind, and it sucked knowing that it was all because of really shitty circumstances. Because if Cora hadn’t been raped, Travis would have broken up with her, and everything between us would have just been incredible and honest. It had still been so incredible and that is why this hurt so bad.

  Chapter 25

  “All right missy,” Tracey said, pulling the blankets off me. “You need to get out of this bed, and I have just the activity that will get your mind off everything,” she said, sitting down beside me on the mattress.

  I had been crying and sleeping for two days straight because everything hurt so much. I couldn’t have imagined what heartbreak would feel like, and now I knew first hand. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.

  “We are going to go work on the dance. You can teach the gang all the moves you came up with and then maybe we can finish it,” she said, brushing the hair out of my eyes. “And you can’t say no because I have already called everyone and they are meeting us at the gym in an hour.” Tracey had stayed with me at my place over the last two days and had done all she could to try to keep me nourished and to provide me comfort. I felt bad that all of her efforts had failed miserably, so I reluctantly nodded, agreeing to go with her.

  “Oh, good! I thought I was going to have to call Jared to drag your ass out of here. So the fact that you are going to come willingly is a step in the right direct
ion. Now, let’s get you showered and fed.” She pulled out my clothes and did practically everything for me besides bathe me. As the hot water ran over my body, I felt a little bit of the pain being washed away. I knew that I needed a mental and emotional vacation for a couple of hours so this was actually going to be good for me. When I was finished and dressed, I dug through my bag to find my dance notebook. I hadn’t packed anything, so I didn’t know where it was.

  “Hey Trace!” I called down to the kitchen.

  “Yeah, what’s up?” she said, making her way back up the stairs.

  “Do you remember where you put my dance notebook when you packed my things?” I asked, still digging through unsuccessfully.

  “I don’t remember packing it. Oh shoot, I think I saw it on the table in the RV,” she said as she recalled walking out without it. “I have the part that you sent over, so we can work on that today. Why don’t you call your mom and have her mail the notebook?”

  “Okay,” I agreed. “Actually, maybe I’ll just send her a text. I don’t want to have to talk to her about anything right now,” I said, going down to find my phone. Tracey had been in contact with my folks and had kept tabs of all of my phone calls. A few had come in that she refused to tell me who they were from, so I knew they must have been from Travis. I didn’t scroll through and look for anything at the moment because I was really trying to hold myself together to get through this day, and so far so good. I just needed to send my mom the quick text message and then go.

  Me: Hey Mom! Can you please overnight me my dance notebook? I left it on the table. Love you.

  I put my shoes on and ate the toast that Tracey had made me while I waited for a responding text. Finally one came through, and once I read it all I realized why it had taken so long for my mom to get back to me.

  Mom: I debated calling but I know you, and knew you wouldn’t answer the phone. I spoke to Lucille and she said Travis told her everything. She said he was crying and this was the first time he has ever come to her for advice on how to make things right. Just so you know, he is no longer with Coraline. He is also very regretful for how he handled things, and is very much still in love with you. You should take his call sweetie. I know you won’t because you are hurting, but I think you both can work past this. I love you and yes, I will send the dance notebook.

  Tears once again stung my eyes, and as Tracey asked what it said, I just passed her the phone. We stayed quiet the entire way to meet up with our friends, which was good because I was barely holding on by a thread. I just needed to get to the gym and see my friends’ faces, which would hopefully numb the pain.

  The afternoon passed, and I had yet to think of Travis and my broken heart. We all worked on the dance, getting the first half down pat. I had recalled a lot of the second part, so we were able to get most of it done. After eight hours, I was physically spent along with the others. Tracey dragged me out for food with everyone, which was good. The longer I stayed busy, the better I felt. It was getting really late though, so I knew it was time to face the inevitable lonely dark night. Tracey begged to stay with me but I convinced her that once she dropped me off at my house, she was required to go see Tom and have a night off. She reluctantly agreed but promised that she would be back in the morning. I was dreading the time alone, but knew in the long run it would be good for me.

  When we pulled into my driveway, I saw that there was a car parked in front of my house. It was dark out, so I couldn’t tell what it was until we got closer, then I saw the door to the black Porsche open and Travis stepped out.

  “Oh, shit!” Tracey gasped and put her car in park. “I will go get rid of him, you stay here Paige. I’ll take care of this,” she directed, exiting the car. I was sitting in shock not knowing why he had come, but at the same time relieved to see him. I knew it was probably self-inflicting torture but I opened the car door and stepped outside.

  “Paige,” Travis said, walking past Tracey and coming to stand in front of me. He tripped the security light as he walked toward me, so his face became illuminated. “I…Uh…” he paused. His eyes locked with mine and we stood silently staring at each other. I couldn’t look away, and found my body being drawn toward him. “Your mom told me that you needed this,” he said, finally breaking the silence and handing me my dance notebook. I reached out to take it and his hand brushed over mine. The sensation ran straight to my heart making it pound in my chest.

  “Thanks!” I finally whispered taking it from his hand. “You drove seven hours to give me this?” I asked. I opened the book to look inside so that I could break the stare.

  “Yes, your mom said that you needed it right away and I really wanted to see you. Even if just for a moment,” he spoke quietly and his voice trailed off as he turned back to see Tracey giving him an evil glare.

  As I flipped to the back of the notebook, I noticed a little note that was tucked inside which held my mom’s writing.

  Sweetie!

  Listen to him. They fuck up royally, but in this particular situation, it wasn’t his fault. Take my advice. Just talk to him.

  I love you,

  Mom

  My mom’s note left me confused. “In this particular situation, it wasn’t his fault.” Nobody else made him lie to me and Cora, how could it be anyone else’s fault? My mind silently shouted out in frustration. I didn’t know what to think or say, so I found myself just standing there staring at my notebook not saying a word.

  “Paige, I was hoping we could talk,” he asked sweetly and I could hear the nerves in his voice.

  “Travis, you should go. I don’t think there is anything left to say and you’ve hurt her enough,” Tracey protested, coming to stand in between us. In that moment, I was overcome by a greater emotion, one that no one, not even my rational self, could say no to, and so I stepped around Tracey.

  “Okay. Why don’t you come inside Travis? Tracey was just dropping me off. She has a date with Tom.” Tracey looked at me and I could see the true worry in her eyes. She was only trying to be protective of my heart and was concerned for me. Although I appreciated her loyalty, I wanted her to leave.

  “Tracey. I’ll be fine. You can take off and I will call you if I need you.”

  “Paige, I just don’t want you…” She stopped and looked between the two of us, and then shrugged in defeat. “Okay. Call me if you need me and I will be back in the morning. But call me if you need me before then.” She turned to look at Travis and stuck her finger in his face. “If you hurt her, I will get Tom and Jared to kick your ass.” Tracey turned and went to her car. She waved at me as she pulled out of the driveway and I was left standing alone with Travis.

  “Come on in. Sorry, we just got back from dance practice so I stink,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. I walked inside and flipped on the lights to the front hall and then turned to see Travis.

  “Paige, I am so sorry. I’ve been trying to call you but you haven’t taken my calls. When your mom asked me if I wanted to deliver the book, I agreed thinking it might be my only chance to talk to you. So, I’m sorry to just appear on your front step.” It looked like he had been crying and I could see how tired his eyes were. They looked to be full of pain and it broke my heart to see him that way.

  “It’s fine. Thank you so much for bringing the book. I told my mom to overnight it, I had no idea I was going to get same day delivery,” I said, making another attempt to break the ice.

  Travis turned and grabbed me, pulling me into his arms. I was taken by surprise and had no time to think. Without registering anything, my arms (or maybe my heart) acted on their (or maybe its) own accord and squeezed him back.

  “I’ve missed you. I can’t live without you. I can’t do this. It hurts too much. Paige, please just listen to me.” I nodded against him. Nothing in me wanted to let him go. I needed him as much as he needed me.

  “I’m listening,” I whispered. He pulled back and looked me in the eyes.

  “Paige, I shouldn’t have lied. I should have
been honest with Cora, and I should have been honest with you. I can’t change the past, but I can promise never to lie to you again. Please give me another chance.”

  As much as I wanted to wipe the slate clean and move forward with Travis, I still felt guilty that I was partly to blame for another girl’s broken heart. Cora had dated him for two years, and I had only known him for a few weeks. As crushed and broken as I felt over the past two days, I couldn’t imagine what she was going through and she was already an injured soul. The guilt that I was feeling was enough to hold me back, and I just couldn’t let it go.

  “I’m sorry Travis. I love you so much, but I can’t be with you knowing that we added to Cora’s pain.” I shook my head as tears streamed down my face.

  “Paige, we didn’t. It was all a lie,” Travis said, reaching for me again. “She lied, Paige. She was never raped.”

  I was shocked by what I was hearing and didn’t know if Travis was telling the truth or if this too was a lie. “What do you mean she lied, and that she was never raped?” I asked taking a few steps back. I needed to gain some space so I could process what he was saying.

  “It came out after I spoke to Ashley. Apparently, Cora wanted to tell me that she had cheated on me, but when she thought I was getting ready to break up with her over Christmas she made up the lie. In her mind, it was partly the truth because she was still admitting that she had been with someone else. She blamed me for her indiscretion because I bailed on her for the homecoming dance.”