'Time to get up, Luke,' he announced with the quiet dignity of a doctor announcing that he's afraid the leg will have to come off.
`It's not eight o'clock yet,' I said.
`Un-nn,' he said, and pointed silently at the clock on the dresser.
I squinted at the clock. `It says twenty-five before six,' I said and rolled away from him. A few seconds later I felt him nudging me in the forehead with his fist.'
`Here are your glasses,' he said. `Now look.'
I looked. `You changed the time when I wasn't looking,' I said, and rolled over in the opposite direction.
Larry climbed back onto the bed and with no conscious intention, I'm sure, began bouncing and humming.
And I, with that irrational surge of fury known to every parent, suddenly shouted `Get OUT of here!' For about thirteen seconds after Larry had raced to the kitchen I lay in my bed with relative content. I could hear Evie's unending chatter punctuated by Lil's occasional yelling, and from the Manhattan streets below, the unending chatter of automobile horns. That thirteen-second involvement in sense experience was fine; then I began to think, and my day was shot.
I thought of my two morning patients, of lunch with Doctors Ecstein and Felloni, of the book on sadism I was supposed to be writing, of the children, of Lillian: I felt bored. For some months I had been feeling - from about ten to fifteen seconds after the cessation of polymorphous perversity until falling asleep at night - or falling into another
session of polymorphous perversity - that depressed feeling of walking up a down escalator. `Whither and why, as
General Eisenhower once said, `have the joys of life all flown away?'
Or, as Burt Lancaster once asked: `Why do our fingers to the grain of wood, the cold of steel, the heat of the sun, the
flesh of women, become calloused?'
`BREAKFAST DADDY!'
'EGGS, hon.'
I arose, plunged my feet into my size-thirteen slippers, pulled my bathrobe around me like a Roman preparing for the
Forum, and went to the breakfast table, with, I supposed, a superficial sunniness, but deeply brooding on Lancaster's
eternal question.
We have a six-room apartment on the slightly upper, slightly East, slightly expensive side, near Central Park, near the
blacklands, and near the fashionable upper East Side. Its location is so ambiguous that our friends are still not certain
whether to envy us or pity us.
In the small kitchen Lil was standing at the stove aggressively mashing eggs in a frying pan; the two children were
sitting in whining obedience on the far side of the table. Larry had been playing with the window shade behind him
(we have a lovely view from our kitchen window of a kitchen window with a lovely view of ours), and Evie had been
guilty of talking without a break in either time or irrelevance since getting up. Lil, since we don't believe in corporal
punishment, had admonished them verbally. However, Lil's shrieks are such that were children (or adults) ever given a
free choice, I'm sure they would prefer that rather than receive `verbal admonitions' they be whipped with straps
containing metal studs.
Obviously Lil does not enjoy the early morning hours, but we found that having a maid at this hour was `impractical.' When, earlier in our marriage, the first full-time live-in maid we hired turned out to be a beautiful, sex-oozing wench
of a mulatto whose eyes would have stiffened a Eunuch, Lillian intelligently decided that a daytime, part-time maid would give us more privacy. As she brought the plates of scrambled eggs and bacon to the table she glanced up at me and asked `What time will
you be back from Queensborough today?'
`Four-thirty or so. Why?' I said as I lowered my body delicately into a small kitchen chair across from the kids.
'Arlene wants another private chat this afternoon.'
`Larry took my spoon!'
`Give Evie her spoon, Larry,' I said.
Lil gave Evie back her spoon.
`I imagine she wants to talk more of the "I have to have a baby" dream,' she said.
`I wish you'd talk to Jake,' Lil said as she sat down beside me.
`What can I tell him?'
I said. `Say Jake, your wife desperately wants a baby: anything I can do to help?"
`Are there dinosaurs in Harlem?' Evie asked.
`Yes,' Lil said. `You could say precisely that. It's his conjugal responsibility; Arlene is almost thirty-three years old and
has wanted a baby for - Evie, use your spoon.'
`Jake's going to Philadelphia today,' I said.
`I know; that's one reason Arlene's coming up. But the poker is still on for tonight, isn't it?'
`Mmm.'
'Mommy, what's a virgin?' Larry asked quietly.
`A virgin is a young girl,' she answered.
'Very young,' I added.
'That's funny,' he said.
`What is?' Lil asked.
`Barney Goldfield called me a stupid Virgin.'
'Barney was misusing the word,' Lil said. `Why don't we postpone the poker, Luke. It's-'
'Why?'
`I'd rather see a play.'
`We've seen some lemons.'
'It's better than playing poker with them.'
Pause.
`With lemons?'
`If you and Tim and Renata were able to talk about something besides psychology and the stock market, it would help.'
`The psychology of the stock market?'
`And the stock market! God, I wish you'd open your ears for just once.' I forked my eggs into my mouth with dignity, and sipped with philosophical detachment my instant coffee. My initiation into the mysteries of Zen Buddhism had taught me many things, but the most important was not to argue with my wife. `Go with the flow,' the great sage Oboko said, and I'd been doing it for five months now. Lil had been getting madder and madder.
After about twenty seconds of silence (relatively speaking: Larry leapt up to put in toast for himself; Evie tried a brief burst of monologue on dinosaurs which was smothered with a stare), I (theoretically the way to avoid arguments is to surrender before the attack has been fully launched) said quietly I'm sorry, Lil.'
`You and your damn Zen. I'm trying to tell you something. I don't like the forms of entertainment we have. Why can't we ever do something new or different, or, revolution of revolutions, something I want.'
`We do, honey, we do. The last three plays' I had to drag you. You're so-'
`Honey, the children.'
The children in fact looked about as affected by our argument as elephants by two squabbling mosquitoes, but the ploy
always worked to silence Lil.
After we'd all finished breakfast she led the children into their room to get dressed while I went to wash and shave.
Holding the lathered brush stiffly in my raised right hand like an Indian saying `How!', I stared glumly into the mirror.
I always hated to shave a two-day growth of beard; with the dark shadows around my mouth I looked potentially at least like Don Giovanni, Faust, Mephistopheles, Charlton Heston, or Jesus. After shaving I knew I would look like a successful, boyishly handsome public relations man. Because I was a bourgeois psychiatrist and had to wear glasses to see myself in the mirror I had resisted the impulse to grow a beard. I let my sideburns grow, though, and it made me look a little less like a successful public relations man and a little more like an unsuccessful, out-of-work actor.
After I'd begun shaving and was concentrating particularly well on three small hairs at the tip of my chin Lil came, still
wearing her modest, obscene nightgown, and leaned against the doorway.
'I'd divorce you if it wouldn't mean I'd be stuck with the 'kids,' she said, in a tone half-ironic and half-serious.
`Nnn.'
If you had them, they'd all turn into clownish Buddha-blobs.'
`Unnnn.'
'What I don
't understand is that you're a psychiatrist, a supposedly good one, and you have no more insight into me or
into yourself than the elevator man.'
`Ah, honey-'
`You don't! You think loving me up, apologizing before and-after every argument, buying me paints, leotards, guitars,
records and new book clubs must make me happy. It's driving me crazy.'
'What can I do?'
`I don't know. You're the analyst. You should know. I'm bored I'm Emma Bovary in everything except that I have no
romantic hopes.'
'That makes me a clod doctor, you know.'
'I know. I'm glad you noticed, It's no fun attacking unless you catch my allusions. Usually you know about as much
about literature as the elevator man.'
`Say, just what is it between you and this elevator man?'
'I've given up my yoga exercises-'
'How come?'
'They just make me tense.'
'That's strange, they're supposed-'
`I know! But they make me tense - I can't help it.'
I'd finished shaving, taken off my glasses; and was grooming my hair with what I fear may have been greasy kid stuff;
Lil moved into the bathroom and sat on the wooden laundry basket. Crouching now quite a bit in order to see the top
of my hair in the mirror, I noticed that my knee muscles were already aching. Moreover, without my glasses I looked
old today, and in a blurred sort of way, badly dissipated. Since I didn't smoke or drink much, I wondered vaguely if
excessive early morning petting were debilitating.
`Maybe I should become a hippie,' Lil went on absently.
"That's what a few of our patients try. They don't seem overly pleased with the result.'
`Or drugs.'
`Ah Lil sweet precious-'
`Don't touch me.'
`Ah-'
`No!'
Lil was backed up against the tub and shower curtain as if threatened by a stranger in a cheap melodrama, and I,
slightly appalled by her apparent fear, backed meekly away.
`I've got a patient in half an hour, hon, I've got to go.'
`I'll try infidelity!' Lil shouted after me, 'Emma Bovary did it.'
I turned back again. She was standing with her arms folded over her chest, her two elbows pointing out sharply from
her long slender body, and with a bleak, mousy, helpless look on her face; at the moment she seemed like a kind of
female Don Quixote after having just been tossed in a blanket. I went to her, and took her in my anus.
`Poor little rich girl. Who would you have for adultery? The elevator man? [She sobbed.] Anyone else? Sixty-three #161;year old Dr. Mann, and flashy, debonair Jake Ecstein [she detested Jake and he never noticed her]. Come on, come on.
We'll go out to the farmhouse soon; it'll be the break you need. Now…'
Her head was still nestled into my chest, but her breathing was regular. She'd had just the one sob.
`Now . . . chin up . . . bust out . . . tummy in . . .'
I said. `Buttocks firm. . and you're ready to face life again. You can have an exciting morning: talking with Evie,
discussing avant-garde art with Ma Kettle [our maid], reading Time, listening to Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:
racy, thought-provoking experiences all.'
'You [she scratched her nose against my chest] …should mention that I could do coloring with Larry when he gets
home from school.'
`And that, and that. You've absolutely no end of home entertainments. Don't forget to call in the elevator man for a
quick one when Evie is having her rest time.'
My right arm around her, I walked us into our bedroom.
While I finished dressing, she watched quietly, standing next to tile big bed with arms folded and elbows out. She saw
me to the door and after we had exchanged a farewell kiss of less than great passion she said quietly with a bemused,
almost interested expression on her face. I don't even have my yoga anymore.'
Chapter Three
I shared my office on 57th Street with Dr. Jacob Ecstein, young (thirty-three), dynamic (two books published),
intelligent (he and I usually agreed), personable (everyone liked him), unattractive (no one loved him), anal (he plays
the stock market compulsively), oral (he smokes heavily), non-genital (doesn't seem to notice women), and Jewish (he
knows two Yiddish slang words). Our mutual secretary was a Miss Reingold, Mary Jane Reingold, old (thirty-six),
undynamic (she worked for us), unintelligent (she prefers Ecstein to me), personable (everyone felt sorry for her),
unattractive (tall, skinny, glasses, no one loved her), anal (obsessively neat), oral (always eating), genital (trying hard),
and non-Jewish (finds use of two Yiddish slang words very intellectual). Miss Reingold greeted me efficiently.
`Mr. Jenkins is waiting in your office, Dr. Rhinehart.'
`Thank you, Miss Reingold. Any calls for me yesterday?'
`Dr. Mann wanted to check about lunch this afternoon. I said yes".'
`Good.'
Before I moved off to my patient, Jake Ecstein came briskly out of his office, shot off a cheerful `Hi, Luke baby,
how's the book?' the way most men might ask about a friend's wife, and asked Miss Reingold for a couple of case
records.
I've described Jake's character; his body was short, rotund, chubby: his visage was round, alert, cheerful with horn-
rimmed glasses and a piercing, I-am-able-to-see-through-you stare; his social front was used-car salesman, and he
kept his shoes shined with a finish so bright that I sometimes suspected he cheated with a phosphorescent shoe polish.
`My book's moribund,' I answered as Jake accepted a fistful of papers from a somewhat flustered Miss Reingold.
`Great,' he said. `Just got a review of my Analysis: End and Means from the AP Journal. They say it's great.'
He began glancing slowly through the papers, placing one of them every now and then back onto his secretary's desk.
`I'm glad to hear it, Jake. You seem to be hitting the jackpot with this one.'
`People are seeing the light-'
'Er… Dr. Ecstein,' Miss Reingold said.
'They'll like it - I may convert a few analysts.'
`Are you going to be able to make lunch today?' I asked. 'When are you leaving for-Philadelphia?'
'Damn right. Want to show Mann my review. Plane leaves two. I'll miss your poker party tonight.'
'Er . . . Dr. Ecstein.'
'You read any more of my book?' Jake went on and gave me one of his piercing, squinting glances, which, had I been
a patient, would have led me to repress for a decade all that was on my mind at that instant.
'No. No, I haven't. I must still have a psychological block: professional jealousy and all that.'
`Er . . . Dr. Ecstein?'
'Hmmmm. Yeh. In Philly I'm gonna see that anal optometrist. I've been telling you about. Think we're about at a break
through. Cured of his voyeurism, but still has visual blackouts. It's only been three months though. I'll bust him. Bust
him right back to twenty-twenty.' He grinned.
`Dr. Ecstein, sir,' said Miss Reingold, now standing.
`Seeya Luke. Send in Mr. Klopper, Miss R.'
As Jake, still carrying a handful of forms, exited briskly into his inner office, I asked Miss Reingold to check with
Queensborough State Hospital about my afternoon appointments. 'Yes, Dr. Rhinehart,' she said.
'And what did you wish to communicate to Dr. Ecstein?'
'Oh, Doctor,' she smiled doubtfully. `Dr. Ecstein asked for the case notes on Miss Riffe and Mr. Klopper and I gave
him by mistake the record sheets of our last year's budget.'
`Don't worry, Miss Reingold,' I replied
firmly. `This may another breakthrough.'
It was 9.07 when I finally settled into my chair behind the outstretched form of Reginald Jenkins on my couch.
Normally nothing upsets a patient more than a late analyst, 'but Jenkins was a masochist: I could count on him
assuming that he deserved it.
'I'm sorry about being here,' he said, `but your secretary insisted I come in and lie down.'
'That's quite all right Mr. Jenkins. I'm sorry I'm late. Let's both relax and you can go right ahead.'
Now the curious reader will want to know what kind of an analyst I was. It so happens that I practiced non-directive
therapy. For those not familiar with it, the analyst is passive, compassionate, non-interpretive, non-directing. More
precisely, he resembles a redundant moron. For example, a session with a patient like Jenkins might go like this
JENKINS: `I feel that no matter how hard I try I'm always going to fail; that some kind of internal mechanism always
acts to screw up what I'm trying to do.'
[Pause] ANALYST: `You feel that some part of you always forces you to fail.'
JENKINS: `Yes. For example, that time when I had that date with that nice woman, really attractive - the librarian,
you remember - and all I talked about at dinner and all evening was the New York Jets and what a great defensive
secondary they have. I knew I should be talking books or asking her questions but I couldn't stop myself.'
ANALYST: `You feel that some part of you consciously ruined the potential relationship with that girl:
JENKINS: `And that job with Wessen, Wessen and Woof. I could have had it. But I took a month's vacation in
Jamaica when I know they'd be wanting an interview! 'I see.'
`What do you make of it all, Doctor? I suppose it's masochistic.'
`You think it might be masochistic! 'I don't know. What do you think?'
'You aren't certain if it's masochistic but you do know that you often do things which are self-destructive.'
`That's right. That's right. And yet I don't have any suicidal tendencies. Except in those dreams. Throwing myself
under a herd of hippopotamuses. Or 'potami. Setting myself on fire in front of Wessen, Wessen and Woof. But I keep goofing up real opportunities.'
`Although you never consciously think of suicide you have dreamed about it.'
`Yes. But that's normal. Everybody does crazy things in dreams.'
The Diceman Page 2