by Shane Morgan
“Not even for Milo?” she says sweetly.
Chris snorts. I scowl at him.
“It is good to do more performances,” he chimes. “No matter the gig, you should take it. Some artists start out much lower. I’m talking strip joints, public bathrooms—”
“Yeah, okay, I get it.”
“You’re performing again?” Alex cuts in, setting his tray down on the table. “Where? When?”
“At Foxes,” Emma replies before I say anything.
“Oh.” There’s concern etched on his face now. “Foxes, huh?”
I jerk Emma’s arm. “See, even Alex is against it.”
“Actually,” he perks up. “Foxes isn’t a bad place. It does get a good crowd, especially after games. When are you performing?”
“I’m no—”
“Tonight,” Emma blurts out, cutting me off.
He grins. “Perfect. We’ll come support you and make sure no one gets crazy on you.”
“Guys, I’m not singing at Foxes. It’s not for me.”
“Just give it a chance, Rora,” Chris urges. “It might turn out cool.”
“Geez, talk about peer pressure,” I groan.
“Yeah and to make it even harder for you to refuse, keep in mind Milo will be there, too.” Emma smiles at me from ear to ear.
I glance over at Alex. He’s piercing me with those emerald eyes of his. I lower my gaze to my tray and continue eating.
When Drew shows up, the guys talk about random stuff, keeping the air calm and comfortable like old times.
Emma tries to act normal, but I know it’ll take some time for her to readjust to not being in a relationship with Drew anymore. No matter if she says she isn’t as heartbroken over it. I notice the stolen glances and intimate smiles that cross her lips, and it’s obvious she’s remembering the great moments they shared. The thought occurs to me, that maybe, just maybe, they’ll find a way back together.
Drew and I have fifth period workshop later that day. We always get a break in class, so I tug him outside and we sit at a picnic bench in the school yard. I want to ask about Emma and find out if it’s really over.
“Did you two talk some more?” I ask.
Slouching, he replies, “Rora, I told you, our relationship’s been over for a while now. I’ve just been trying to hold on so as not to hurt her.”
“But, don’t you still have feelings for her?” I press.
Exhaling, he combs a hand through his tousled hair and slumps over, his eyes squinting in the warm sunlight as he looks at me. “I’ll always care about Em. We were friends before we started dating.” He reaches a hand out and squeezes mine on top of the table. “Look. I know you think we’re this awesome couple who should be together forever. But Rora, it just didn’t work out that way. It’s not the end of the world.”
“I know that,” I murmur. “I guess I have to accept it.”
Drew rises to his feet, pulling me up. He throws his strong arm over my shoulder as we head back to class.
“It’ll be fine,” he says. “We’re all friends, so everything will be fine.”
Contented, I smile at him because I know he’s right. We’ll be all right.
I feel like I didn’t have enough time to prepare. I mean, right after I left school I went home and spent a good chunk of time rifling through my closet for something to wear, all because Milo is going to be at Foxes.
With two hours left until I perform, I decide on black skinny jeans, a blue floral laced top, my denim jacket, and black ankle boots. I let my hair fall over my shoulders and crimp my ends to make it appear wavier. The only accessory I have on is my woven bracelet. I glance over myself one more time in the dresser mirror before I scurry downstairs and bustle out the front door.
It takes me less than five minutes to arrive at Foxes after picking up Emma. I find a parking spot and catch my breath.
“Wait,” she says before I turn to grab my guitar off the backseat.
“What?”
Emma opens her purse and pulls out her blush and pink lip gloss, applying a bit of makeup on my face.
I look in the rearview mirror.
“It’s subtle,” I say. “Just like me.”
“You need to get over not wearing makeup cause once you hit it big, sister, your stylist will never let you get away with that.”
I roll my eyes and pick up my guitar, climbing out of the car. Alex and Drew should already be here. Chris is on his way.
“What are you singing tonight?” she asks as we approach the entrance.
“You’ll see,” I reply with a crafty grin.
When Emma pushes the door open and we saunter inside Foxes, the place is already riled up. Guys shout the words of the hip hop song blaring through the speakers, and girls are in the middle of the dance floor grinding to the beat.
I scan the place for my friends, spotting Milo instead at a table right across from me. He sees me and instantly gets up, coming over with an excited grin on his face.
“Hey, I heard you’re performing here tonight.” He has to raise his voice a tad so I can hear him.
“Yeah, it’s wild here, though. I’m kind of nervous.”
He touches my arm and says, “Don’t be.” I notice he lingers his hand on me for a moment before he lowering it to his side.
Glancing over at Emma, he nods to acknowledge her. She waves lightly, takes my guitar from me, and walks over to where Alex and Drew are sitting on the far side of the room.
“So are you going to dance with me before the night is over?” Milo asks, taking me by surprise.
“Uh, I’m not a good dancer,” I tell him.
“Oh come on. We won our game in Akron today. I haven’t had my victory dance yet and I want to share it with you.”
He dips his head and winks at me.
I turn my head slowly. “You’re such a charmer. Is this how you get the girls?”
“What?” He laughs short. “Name one girl that I’ve dated.”
That’s true. I haven’t heard of any. Milo is known to be the popular guy that none of the girls can get. I always thought he was picky. Then again, it could be that whoever he’s hooked up with was sworn to secrecy.
He reaches a hand out and flips my hair off my shoulder then leans in, whispering at my ear, “Let’s leave after your performance, okay?”
When he pulls away and smiles at me, my stomach tenses. There’s a side of me that’s all giggly and ready to go, and another side, the stronger part, that’s bothered by the fact that Daegan isn’t here.
I collect myself and walk over to my friends as Milo rejoins his. Chris shows up shortly with a sexy blonde on his arm that I think is a sophomore. Her face is familiar.
Ignoring them, Alex bumps my hand. “You ready for this?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Just hold off the beer sprayers,” I joke.
“We got you,” Drew laughs.
Emma hands me my guitar. “The waitress said you’ll be on in ten, so you should go warm up around back.”
Nodding, I clutch my guitar and make my way backstage. I stare at myself in the mirror and search for that place, where all the confidence I can muster lies.
In no time I’m cued on stage. I make my way up the steps and plug in my guitar. Then I walk in front of the microphone stand, inhale and exhale intensely before I say, “Are ya’ll having fun tonight?”
The room breaks out into loud cheers. The soccer players, Milo included, pounds their fists and high-five each other excitedly.
“Well then, let’s keep it going, shall we?”
The DJ starts up Joan Jett & the Blackhearts’ ‘I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll’ backing track. The room comes alive more than ever when I blast off with my heavy guitar riffs and sing the verse in a sensual tone.
I wink at Milo. He has his brows raised and he’s braced over the table, giving me his undivided attention. Emma’s in the middle of the dance floor, taking pictures with her phone. Alex and Drew are whistling and cheering me on. Ch
ris is dancing with that random chick he showed up with. She’s grinding on him. Ugh!
When I reach the chorus, everyone belts out the words with me, feeling the song a lot more than I’d expected.
“Woohoo! Yeah baby!” one of the guys applauds. Milo flashes him a death glare, but then refocuses on my performance.
I don’t know what’s wrong. I seem to be entertaining the crowd, but there’s something troubling me. I can’t take my mind off Daegan. I surprise myself by wishing he was here, watching me. I feel more relaxed on stage when he’s around.
It’s a wonder how I manage to make it to the end of my performance and not screw up with the way Daegan pops in and out of my head.
The next thing I know, the song is over and everyone’s on their feet, clapping. I wave politely and bow to show my appreciation. Then I walk off stage and return to the back room to cool down.
Shortly after bringing my guitar out to the car, I go back inside to hang out with my friends.
A few guys amble over to our table, praising me for my performance. Alex starts to get touchy, resting his hand at my back as if he’s being territorial. Good thing he doesn’t do that when Milo comes over.
He rubs up to me and asks, “Ready for that dance?”
I’m still apprehensive about it, so I tell him nicely, “Maybe not. I’m not very good at dancing.”
Milo takes my hand and tries to lure me to the dance floor. “It’s nothing hard,” he says, “Just move to—”
“She doesn’t want to,” Alex says firmly. “Let her sit and relax for a while, damn it.”
The annoyed look that suddenly appears in Milo’s eyes and the way he clenches his jaw tells me he’s upset.
“Hey man, what’s your problem? Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been eyeballing me for the past couple of weeks, too.”
What? Oh great. The last thing I want is for there to be tension, much less a fight over me.
That’s so not flattering.
Alex smirks. “Damn right I have a problem. You haven’t paid her any attention in how long? And now all of a sudden you’re acting as if she’s your girl.”
“Is she yours?” Milo fires back.
My chest tightens when Alex jumps up from the chair, getting in Milo’s face. “I know the kind of games you and your buddies run on girls, and you better not try that with Rora.”
“What games are you talking about?” Milo grunts.
I get in between them before this escalates. “Guys, come on, chill out.”
Alex eases my hand away. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Hey, dude, settle down,” Chris chimes in, pulling Alex’s arm. “The bouncer’s checking us out.”
Both guys glance over at the bulky guy by the door and relax their tensed bodies. Alex sits down and resumes drinking whatever is in his cup.
Milo motions to walk away, but appears to want me to step aside with him. I do.
“Sorry about that,” he says.
I shrug. Although, I am somewhat curious about what Alex said. Could it be true? Does Milo and his friends have a game going that involves me?
He touches my elbow as he says, “Listen, forget about the dance; forget about this after party. You want to go for a walk?” He has an eager look in his eyes. Only, I don’t feel like leaving with him.
Daegan. Daegan is consuming my mind. I miss him.
I notice my friends are keeping their watchful eyes on me, too.
“Um, I’m kind of tired. Maybe some other time, okay?” I tell him.
His face drops. Milo lowers his head for a beat and lets out a breath. Looking back at me, he bobs his head and says, “Sure. Call you later.”
“Okay.”
Milo walks back to his table and rejoins his friends. I sit down in between Emma and Alex, drinking my water.
“Hey,” Emma jerks my arm. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I reply, a lackluster smile on my lips.
“Sorry I ruined it for you,” Alex tells me.
I swivel my head to meet his gaze. “Is it true what you said about him and his friends?”
He rakes his hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean that they plan together on playing girls. I just… I want you to see that guys like that are never serious about girls like you.”
I dip my head and peer up at him. “Girls like me?”
“Good girls, Rora. Girls who are real and want something real,” he explains. Then he peers over his shoulder at Milo before carrying his eyes back to me. “In a few months, that guy’s going off to a college in New York City and he’ll forget all about you. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
Chris whistles. “That’s exactly what I’ve been telling her all this time.”
I glare at him.
He raises his hands. “Okay. I’ll zip it.”
“Focus on your music.” Alex draws back my attention. “In no time, Alan Moore is going to call and then you’ll be off on some crazy tour rocking the nation. Before you know it, Milo and this crush you have on him will be in the past.”
I consider his words because I know he’s right. It’s actually pointless to pursue something when our paths are leading us in different directions.
“Maybe you’re right,” I murmur to myself, looking at my water bottle.
“Who cares what they say,” Emma pipes in. She lowers and whispers at my ear with a giggle, “Maybe you can have a summer fling.”
I straighten, surprised. “Are you crazy?” I blurt out in a whisper. “No way.”
She winks, flicks her eyes across at Milo, and then says, “At least consider it. You’ll be lonely on tour.”
Later that night I sit in the middle of my bed, flipping through the last photos I took with my parents. Then I receive a text from Alex. He says he wants to talk. That makes me nervous.
I go downstairs in my PJs, slipping outside. He’s sitting on my porch steps, slumped over, still wearing his gray t-shirt and blue jeans from earlier.
Releasing a breath, I sink down beside him. Alex doesn’t say anything for a while. We both just sit in silence, taking in the cool and peaceful spring night.
Finally, he says, “I miss us. I miss talking to you.” He looks over at me. “I’m leaving in a few weeks and I hate that we’re like this.”
“I hate it too. But I know it’s hard for you because of the way you feel about me.”
“I want us to go back to not being awkward,” he says.
I tuck my hair behind my ears. “Can we?”
He nods. “I think so. It’ll take a lot because I lo—” He stops himself, saying instead, “Even if we can’t be together like that, I’ll still have your back, Rora. You’ve been my best friend since we were kids and I want to hold on to that friendship. It’s not worth throwing away.”
I manage a smile. “I’m glad you feel that way.”
He squeezes my arm before pushing to his feet, helping me up. We stare at each other for a while. Then he turns to leave.
“Alex,” I call after him.
Glancing back at me, he waits for me to say what’s on my mind. When I don’t, he comes in for a hug, wrapping me in his arms the way he used to whenever I felt sad or missed my parents.
Finding my voice, I whisper into his shoulder, “I love you, Alex. I’m sorry it’s not the way you want me to.”
He untangles his arms from around me and eases me away to look in my eyes. “It is enough.” Smiling halfway, he brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. Then he starts over to his house.
Alex reaches his driveway, stops, and gazes at me sideways. “You know, it wouldn’t have worked out, anyways. We’d be oceans apart.” With a shrug, he adds, “Who was I kidding?”
I don’t respond.
He continues inside his house. I linger on my porch, pondering his words. What if there was no Milo? Would there be something between me and Alex instead?
I cogitate this as I make my way upstairs to my room and lie in be
d. Then I play back the night and my sudden feeling of not wanting to hang out with Milo. Strange, how my mind steers away from him to Daegan again so easily.
And even though I’m thinking about another guy besides Milo, it’s still impossible to consider the possibility of me and Alex. I can’t see him in that way. I don’t think we were meant to be anything besides best friends.
29.
It’s been two weeks now since I sent my demo to Epic Rock Records and I still haven’t received a phone call as to whether or not they like my music. I guess they’re not interested. If they were, I would have heard something by now.
I sit down on the low grass at the base of the water tank and admire my surroundings. Tall, yellowed grass dancing in the chilly gust of wind catches my eye as I look across the tracks into the open field. I feel bewitched by this beauty.
Why did I ever entertain the idea of becoming a recording artist, much less ever considered going to Berklee in the fall? Both options involve me leaving my home. I don’t think I can. It’s too terrifying.
Maybe the fact that I haven’t heard anything from the label is a sign that I should stay.
“Hey,” a familiar voice rasps, casting a shadow over me.
I have to squint when I look up at his face, hidden by the blinding sunlight.
“Hey,” I reply, surprised to see him.
Daegan flops down beside me. I notice the slight tug of my heart. I missed him, a lot. Even though I see him at school, I miss being this close to him, alone. And I miss talking to him.
He glances over at me, a sullen look in his eyes. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here today, just in case you think I came looking for you.”
Oh right. The last time we spoke I said I needed time to get past what he’d told me about his brother.
“It’s fine,” I tell him. “Honestly, I don’t see why we shouldn’t be friends. My parents wouldn’t want me to stop talking to you.”
A smile plays at the side of his mouth. “You think so?”
“Yeah, like I said, I think you’re a cool person.”
“But what you really want to say is that you’ve missed me,” he says smartly, reading me like a book.