Hard Case Crime: Fake I.D.

by Starr, Jason

  She pushed me down onto the bed and climbed on top of me with her drunk old lady’s body—sucking hard on my neck with her teeth. I pushed her away—afraid she’d give me a hickey—but she pushed me back down hard and continued to have her way with me. She was strong for a woman—or maybe I just wasn’t fighting back. She was holding down my arms, biting my nipples.

  “You like it like this, don’t you? Don’t you?”

  She unzipped my pants and tossed away her robe. I wondered how I ever could have thought she was sexy. Her thin, bony body disgusted me. I was looking up at her lumpy, sagging implants and her wrinkled face.

  I closed my eyes, trying to shut everything out, but it didn’t help. I saw myself tumbling down a steep flight of stairs. I felt like my head was going to explode.

  I stood out of bed and started getting dressed.

  “What’s the matter?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “I don’t understand,” she said. “What’s wrong?”

  “You better not tell anybody I was here,” I said, facing the door. “I’m serious—you better not tell Frank.”

  “Tell Frank what? We didn’t do anything. Hardly anything.”

  “Just keep your drunken mouth shut.”

  “Why?” she said, like she thought it was funny. “Don’t you trust me?”

  I slammed the bedroom door and left the apartment as fast as possible.

  I woke up with a splitting headache. It was dark in my apartment and I looked over at the digital clock and saw it was a few minutes past five. It was strange because I felt like I’d only been asleep for a few minutes, but a couple of hours had gone by. I really wasn’t in the mood to see Frank tonight. I wanted to call in sick but, remembering about the robbery, I knew it wouldn’t look good if I suddenly stopped showing up for work. Besides, I had to pay off Rodrigo. So I took a shower and came out feeling okay, but not great. On the way to work, I bought a large iced coffee at a deli and gulped it down. Then I went to a pizza place and had a couple of pepperoni slices and a calzone and I felt a lot better.

  I was glad it was Monday and that it would be slow at O’Reilley’s. I probably wouldn’t even have to work the door tonight. It was Gil’s night off bartending so I’d either help Gary out at the bar or just hang out, drinking beer and watching TV.

  When I walked into the bar Gary started yelling at me. He had a big bandage on his forehead and under one of his eyes he had a purple shiner. At first, I wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying. I was just watching this crazy guy screaming at me. There were only a few other people in the bar—holdovers from the day crowd. They were looking at Gary pretty much the same way I was.

  “...so what are you gonna do, just stand there looking stupid?” he said. “Let’s go outside and settle this like men. What’s the matter, you’re chickenshit? You can steal money from a safe but you can’t fight me? Come on, I’m serious. I wanna kick your ass.”

  “Just go back to work,” I said. “Stop making a dick out of yourself.”

  “You have two choices,” Gary said. “Either you go outside and fight me like a man or you get the hell out of here.”

  “I don’t wanna hurt you,” I said.

  “You don’t want to hurt me, huh? Well, surprise, I’m already hurt. One of the guys whose money you stole from the football pool was somehow under the impression that I did it and he and a couple of his friends were waiting outside my apartment this morning. I’m not taking any more punches from anybody else. If you want to hurt me, you’ll have to do it yourself.”

  “What the hell is going on here?” Frank had come from the back of the bar.

  “Tommy and I are getting ready to fight this thing out, that’s what’s going on.”

  “Hey, come on, let’s just cool it,” Frank said. “Both of you.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” I said.

  “Ha!” Gary said. “Why don’t you go check his apartment? I bet you’ll find fourteen thousand dollars there.”

  I smiled like I was innocent and Gary was crazy. I had my arms crossed in front of my chest.

  “I’m not gonna have fighting in my bar,” Frank said. “Now just get back to work and try to act like sensible human beings.”

  “Look at him,” Gary said. “He has that money in his apartment, can’t you tell? He thinks this is all a big joke.”

  “I don’t have any money in my apartment,” I said.

  “Of course you don’t—because you probably already gambled it away. I’m right, aren’t I? You gambled that money away already, didn’t you?”

  “Get out of my face,” I said.

  Gary got past Frank and came up to me. He pushed me with both his hands but he didn’t even budge me.

  “Hey, that’s enough now,” Frank said, pulling Gary away. Frank pointed his index finger at Gary’s face. “I’m serious now and this is the last time I’m telling you—I don’t want any more of this bullshit in my bar.”

  “Tell him that,” Gary said, looking at me. “He’s the one who robbed you.”

  “Are you gonna get back to work or not?”

  “Not with him here,” Gary said.

  “Then go home,” Frank said. “Get the hell out of here.”

  Gary’s face was red. He was sweating. He looked at me, then back at Frank, then at me again.

  “Fuck you,” he finally said to both of us.

  He went to the back of the bar and came back wearing his winter coat. He pushed past me and left the bar.

  Frank was shaking his head.

  “Sorry about that everybody,” he said. “Tommy, give everybody one on the house, okay?”

  “You got it,” I said.

  When I finished serving everybody their free drinks I went over to Frank who was sitting on a stool at the end of the bar, sipping a pint of Guinness.

  “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” Frank said to me. “As his father, I’m worried about him and I don’t want him to get hurt. On the other hand, if he took that money I think he deserves to get knocked around a little.”

  “If he took that money,” I said. “So now you’re not sure?”

  “I don’t know what to believe,” Frank said. “At least Gary wasn’t hurt too bad. He had to get some stitches for his forehead, but the doctor said he probably won’t have a scar. Gary didn’t want to report the whole thing to the cops and I thought that was a pretty good idea myself. I just want it to blow over.”

  Frank sat there for a few seconds, looking down at his Guinness, then he said, “You mind handling the bar alone tonight and closing up for me? It should be pretty slow anyway—I’ll probably be leaving early.”

  “No problem,” I said.

  “By the way, I had that little talk with Debbie before.”

  Hearing Debbie’s name, coming out of Frank’s mouth, put a big knot in my stomach.

  “A talk?” I said.

  “Yeah. I told her I want a divorce and we’re doing it —we’re splitting up.”

  “That’s great,” I said. “I mean that’s what you want, right?”

  “No, what I want is Debbie to be the woman I married, but obviously that isn’t possible.”

  “I’m proud of you, man,” I said, leaning over the bar and parting Frank on the back of his shoulder. “Believe me, you don’t need a woman like that in your life. You’re gonna be a lot better off without her.”

  “I didn’t tell Gary about it yet so if he comes back here I’d appreciate it if you kept a lid on this.”

  “Hey, you know you can trust me,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know I can,” Frank said. “Can I tell you something else?”

  “Shoot,” I said.

  “I’m scared. I know how stupid that sounds, but it’s the truth. I’m sixty-six years old and I’m scared shit to just pack up and start over again, but I’m gonna do it anyway. I’m gonna get on a plane in a few weeks and head out to Arizona and start looking for a place to live.”

  “That’s the spiri
t,” I said.

  “I figured I might give Scottsdale a shot,” he said. “They’ve got a lot of sports out there, with spring-training baseball and everything. Who knows? Maybe I’ll open up an O’Reilley’s West.”

  “If you do, can I come work for you?”

  “I need you to manage this place.”

  “I know,” I said. “I was just busting your chops.”

  Frank took another sip of Guinness, then said, “The only problem is I think I’m gonna get burned on my divorce settlement.”

  “Really?” I said. “Why’s that?”

  “Because I was stupid and I married Debbie without a prenup. I think that’s why she didn’t give me a hard time when I broke the news. I thought she’d start screaming and coming after me, but she just sat there calmly on the couch, like she was happy to hear I was leaving her. And if I was her I’d be happy about it too. The woman hasn’t lifted a finger her whole life and now she’s gonna wind up a rich old lady.”

  “How rich?” I asked.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Frank said. “The one thing I have going for me is the way she’s been running around the past few years I don’t think it’ll be too hard for me to prove adultery. I already hired this detective to follow her around, see if he can get any dirt on her.”

  “A detective?”

  “Yeah, he’s supposed to start tomorrow. Nothing fancy—just two hundred bucks a day to see if he can get me a few pictures. What I’m gonna try to do, I think, is show her the pictures and then work out some out-of-court settlement. Maybe I’ll offer her the apartment and some cash and see if she bites. But even if I have to split everything I own with her fifty-fifty it’ll be worth it to get on with my life.”

  “That’s cool,” I said. “I mean I think you’re doing the right thing.”

  “I’ll drink to that,” Frank said. He finished his Guinness, then said, “I really want to thank you, Tommy, I mean for listening to me, helping me see this thing straight. I know I’m not the most open guy in the world sometimes and I...I just want you to know you were a big help to me.”

  Frank’s eyes were red and wet, like he might start to cry.

  “Forget about it,” I said.

  I reached over the bar and patted him on the back, then I went to the bathroom to take a leak. As I was pissing I leaned over the urinal and banged my head against the wall. Going over to Debbie’s today was temporary insanity. I was just lucky Frank’s detective started tomorrow instead of today or he would’ve nailed me.

  I looked at myself in the mirror. I had a big red spot on my forehead, but it didn’t look like it would turn into a bump.

  I washed up, then I went into the kitchen. Rodrigo was sitting on a stool reading one of his English books. I made sure no one else was around, then I took out the thick envelope with one thousand dollars in it.

  “Here you go,” I said. “Put it away and don’t open it till you get home.”

  Rodrigo put the envelope inside the book and closed it.

  “You can say thank you,” I said.

  “Thank you,” he said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  I started to walk away.

  “Tommy.”

  “What is it?” I said.

  “Yesterday and today Frank and the police was talking to me,” he said. “They have questions, a lot of questions. They ask me about the money, about the safe, about everything.”

  “So keep your mouth shut,” I said. “That’s what the envelope’s for.”

  I was about to walk away when Rodrigo said, “I want another thousand.”

  I just stood there.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I want another thousand—tomorrow night.”

  “Look,” I said. “There’s a thousand bucks in that envelope and that’s all you’re gonna get.”

  “I want another thousand—tomorrow night,” he said. “Or I say what I see to Frank and the police.”

  “Look, I didn’t have to give you shit, all right?” I said. “It was very generous of me to give you that money. So why don’t you just go home tonight and feel lucky?”

  “I want another thousand—tomorrow night,” Rodrigo said. “If you don’t give the money for me, I go to tell Frank and the policia.”

  I walked over to him and looked him right in the eye. I smiled, shaking my head, then I gave him a quick right hook in the gut. When he keeled over I kneed him in the balls. I didn’t want to hurt him, but if he wanted to play hardball with me what choice did I have? I pushed him back against the stove, forcing him to stand up straight. His face was red and he was trying to catch his breath.

  Now my idea was to scare him, like I was a thug in the movies.

  “Now listen to me, you little piece of shit,” I said. “I’m not giving you another fuckin’ cent and if you even think about telling anybody anything I’m gonna tell them you took the money. Who do you think they’ll believe? I’m Frank’s friend, I’m gonna be manager of this bar someday, but who are you? You’re just a cook, an illegal alien. Don’t think I forgot that. I’ll make a few calls and you’ll be back in Mexico, begging for food on the streets. Is that what you want? Huh? Is that what you want?”

  I gave him another solid right in the gut, then I walked away, taking a handful of French fries out of the rack on my way out.

  I almost choked on a bite of fries when I saw Janene sitting on a bar stool. She looked like she had come straight from work. She was wearing a dark blue jacket and a matching skirt and her legs were crossed. Her tote bag and her long black winter coat were on the stool next to her. Frank was in the same spot he was before, a few stools away from Janene, working on a new pint of Guinness. I knew I had to get Janene the hell out of the bar—fast. I didn’t know why she was here, but I didn’t want her going crazy again, talking about how I stole her jewelry with Frank sitting right there.

  I went up to Janene and tapped her on the shoulder. Before she could say anything I said, “Let’s do this outside.”

  “No, I want to—”

  “Outside,” I said.

  “All right,” she said. She got up, took her coat and bag, and started toward the door. I looked over at Frank, who was watching us, and rolled my eyes, like I was saying “Women.” Frank smiled, knowing exactly what I meant.

  When I went outside Janene had her coat on and she was standing with her hands on her hips. She had a full face of makeup and the yellow light of the bar’s marquee was shining directly into her fake blue eyes.

  “So what’s up?” I asked.

  “This is your last chance, Tommy. Give me back my jewelry or I’m going to the police.”

  “Hold up a second,” I said. “Didn’t we go through this already the other night?”

  “I know you took it,” she said, “so I don’t want to hear any more stories.”

  “Look, I was nice to you the last time you came by here,” I said, “but I’m not gonna put up with this shit anymore. I’m not gonna lose a job because you’re coming around here all the time with these crazy ideas in your head.”

  “When I left here the other night, I wasn’t sure,” she said. “I thought, Okay, maybe I shouldn’t’ve gone over there and accused him like that when I wasn’t sure.”

  “You should’ve listened to yourself.”

  “But then I thought about it some more and I realized how ridiculous that was. You were the only one who could’ve done it, and the way you disappeared like that while I was sleeping—of course you did it. Why would you do something like this to me, Tommy? How could you?”

  Janene looked like she was about to cry.

  “Look,” I said. “I told you I didn’t wanna make a scene here—”

  “Were you planning to do this all along?” she said. “Did you just want to get me in bed so you could rob me?”

  “Of course not,” I said. “I liked you a lot and, if you wanna know the truth, I still like you. Like I said, I was just a little upset that you were married and didn’t tell me abo
ut it, but I guess I can get over that. If you wanna keep going out with me, I have no problem with that—I mean I’d love to go out with you again sometime if that’s what you want. I guess I shouldn’t’ve left that night without waking you up. That’s my fault—I apologize for that.”

  Janene stared at me for a few seconds, then she said, “You’re serious. You really want to go out with me again?”

  “Why not?” I said. “I thought we were pretty good together.”

  “What makes you think I’d want to go out with you?”

  “It’s up to you.”

  “Dating you was like a nightmare,” she said. “Not only do I not want to go out with you—I never want to see you again.”

  “Then why do you keep coming back here?”

  “To get my jewelry.”

  “I can’t help you there,” I said, “but if you want the hundred bucks I owe you I have that. Just stop by my place any time and I’ll give it to you.”

  “I have a better idea,” she said. “Maybe I’ll go inside right now and tell your boss that you robbed me— see what he has to say about that.”

  I stood in front of her.

  “Hold up,” I said. “If you think I’m letting you go in there—”

  “You can’t stop me.”

  She was right—people were walking by, looking at us.

  “Why do you need to tell my boss about this?”

  “Maybe he’d like to know how his bouncer robbed me.”

  “So then maybe I get fired. How’s that gonna help you?”

  “You know, you’re right,” she said. “I have a better idea—I’ll call the police.”

  She started to walk away. I knew I had to do something.

  “Wait,” I said.

  She turned around and looked back at me. On cue, I started to cry. Well, I guess I wasn’t really crying, but I did a good enough job of faking it. I turned around with my back facing her and then I put my hands over my face and made loud sobbing noises. It might’ve been the best acting performance of my life.