‘You really think you’re something special, don’t you!’ Ginger Biscuit’s ears flattened against his head. ‘But all you are is just a pathetic pet.’
‘No one speaks to Cattypuss the Great, mighty ruler of Nebu-Mau, like that.’ Atticus narrowed his eyes. ‘You shall be punished.’ He raised a paw.
‘Sure!’ Biscuit yawned. ‘Bring it on, Claw.’ He got ready to spring. ‘Only there’s going to be a new pharaoh in town: he’s called Gingerpuss the Horrible.’
There was a sound of scratching and scurrying.
‘RATS!’ Lady Toffly screamed. She dropped her sack and ran back down the passageway towards the exit.
Ginger Biscuit laughed. He wasn’t afraid of a few rats. He’d squish them later. ‘Ooh,’ he said. ‘I’m really scared.’
Atticus raised his other paw.
There was a sound of clicking and buzzing.
‘BEETLES!’ Lord Toffly roared. He dropped his dessertspoons and ran after his wife.
Ginger Biscuit looked down. A carpet of rats surged from underneath the treasure. He looked up. A plague of beetles squeezed from the cracks in the ceiling. He swallowed. Biscuit was terrified of anything spooky. And this was REALLY spooky.
Atticus raised both paws at the same time.
‘SPIDERS!’ Zenia Klob cried.
Huge long-legged beasts crept from the shadows to join the rats and beetles.
Ginger Biscuit started to back away.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
ZIP! ZIP! ZIP! ZIP!
Zenia waded into the tomb and started shooting hairpins at the mass of creeping animals. ‘Get off my treasure,’ she screeched, ‘if you know vot’s good for you. Ginger, kill that cat!’
Ginger Biscuit was shaking. All his bravado had disappeared.
‘PHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ Atticus opened his mouth and blew. A stream of locusts hit Ginger Biscuit in the face. Ginger Biscuit fell off the podium into the crawling carpet.
The magpies were flying in circles around the tomb. ‘Thug, me old mate!’ Slasher called desperately. ‘Where are you?’
A wing appeared from under some beetles, followed by a sob. ‘Remind me never to go tomb-raiding again.’ Thug’s strangled voice could be heard from beneath a very hairy spider.
BASH! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! BASH!
‘We’ve got to stop Cattypus!’ Mrs Tucker panted, kicking at the rats as they swarmed out of the tomb into the antechamber. ‘Before he does anything else!’
SWAT! BUZZ! BUZZ! SWAT!
‘And get Atticus back!’ Mrs Cheddar swiped at the locusts with her shoe.
CLUNK! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CLUNK!
‘Youze ladies leave it to me!’ Mr Tucker was doing a jig on the beetles with his wooden leg. He reached into his trouser pocket and drew out a plastic bottle. ‘I knows what to do. Fetch me a tooorrrch, kids.’
Michael and Callie dodged the torrent of rats and bugs that were swarming into the antechamber. Michael lifted his younger sister up. Callie grabbed one of the flaming torches from the wall and handed it to Mr Tucker.
Mr Tucker took the stopper off the plastic bottle and hurled it into the tomb. ‘Hold your noses!’ he roared.
‘Don’t you mean cover your ears?’ Mrs Tucker shouted back.
‘No!’ Mr Tucker chucked the torch in after it. ‘Definitely hold your noses.’
BOOM!
A hideous smell of camel fart filled the air.
The rats, beetles and spiders scuttled for cover. They disappeared through the antechamber into the passageway, trying to find some fresh air.
‘Vot is that revolting pong?’ Zenia Klob struggled out of the tomb. ‘Eurgh! I can’t take it.’ She ran after them.
‘I’m out of here!’ Jimmy squawked, emerging from the cloud of evil-smelling gas.
‘Wait for us!’ Pig, Wally and Gizzard flapped feebly after him.
‘I think I’m going to be sick.’ Slasher flew out.
‘I want to go home!’ Thug zigzagged after him. He still had a spider wrapped round his head. ‘Help! I can’t see!’
‘MMMMYYYYAAAAWWW!’ Biscuit chased off, his tail between his legs.
‘Good riddance to the lot of you!’ Mrs Tucker shouted after them. ‘Badawi and his men will intercept them on their way out,’ she added.
Just then Inspector Cheddar appeared in the antechamber. He picked a couple of rats out of his turban and removed a locust from his ear. He stumbled on in a trance, his eyes glazed. He didn’t seem to smell the camel fart.
‘Dad!’ Michael and Callie cried.
Mrs Tucker held them back. ‘He’s sleepwalking,’ she said. ‘Don’t wake him.’
‘Klob’s sleeping potion!’ Mrs Cheddar put her hand to her mouth.
‘I’ve come to worship the Great Cattypuss,’ Inspector Cheddar announced. ‘Wise and mighty ruler of Nebu-Mau.’ He pushed his way through the clouds of camel fart into the tomb.
The others followed, pressing their sleeves to their noses. They looked anxiously at the podium, not knowing what to expect.
Atticus was sitting there holding his handkerchief across his nose. He wasn’t wearing the cat pharaoh headdress any more.
‘Look!’ Michael said.
The headdress was back on the mummy. Suddenly an icy wind swept through the chamber. The torches flickered. A terrible roar, like Biscuit’s only deeper and more powerful, reverberated about the walls.
Atticus’s fur blew flat.
The humans clung to one another, except Inspector Cheddar, who struggled forwards, arms outstretched.
The sarcophagus door slammed shut in a swirl of dust.
The chamber was still.
‘I told youze that camel faaarrrt would come in useful!’ Mr Tucker said.
Mimi jumped up beside Atticus.
‘Atticus?’ she said hesitantly. ‘Is it really you?’
‘Yes!’ Atticus said. ‘It’s really me. That camel fart sent Cattypuss straight back to his coffin.’ He laughed. ‘I don’t blame him. It’s disgusting.’ Atticus leant over so that Mimi could share his hanky to breathe through. He began to purr throatily.
‘Atticus is back!’ Michael cried. ‘Listen!’
‘It’s him!’ Callie gave a little scream.
Inspector Cheddar had finally made it to the throne. He knelt and clasped his hands. ‘All hail the fabulous feline pharaoh of Nebu-Mau,’ he said.
‘Oh dear,’ Mrs Cheddar sighed.
Atticus gave Inspector Cheddar a wave. He squeezed Mimi’s paw. ‘Isn’t this great?’ he said. ‘Apart from the camel fart.’
‘Yes,’ Mimi said. ‘It’s absolutely brilliant to have you back.’
Atticus purred like a tractor. He’d defeated the curse, got rid of Klob, Biscuit and the Tofflys. Better still, Inspector Cheddar was worshipping him! What more could a tabby cat ask for except a plate of sardines? He looked at Mrs Tucker hopefully.
‘Sorry, Atticus,’ she said. ‘I’m all out.’
Atticus didn’t care. He’d get some when he went home. Inspector Cheddar could bring him some prawns too.
Professor Verry-Clever was inspecting the treasure. ‘I propose that we take something with us to show the Egyptian authorities,’ he said seriously. ‘They must know what a remarkable find we’ve made.’ He chose a gorgeous amulet and put it in his pocket with Howard Toffly’s book. He stepped out of the tomb.
Suddenly the pyramid began to shake. Pieces of stone crumbled from the walls.
‘What’s happening?’ Mimi cried.
Atticus glanced round. It wasn’t over yet. ‘It’s Cattypuss. He’s angry. He thinks we’re stealing his treasure. We must go. Now!’
They raced back through the passageways to the pyramid entrance. All around them stones crashed and tumbled.
Badawi and his men were waiting. They had the Tofflys but there was no sign of Klob, Biscuit and the magpies.
‘Where is she?’ Mrs Tucker demanded.
‘I don’t know,’ Badawi admitted. ‘The only person we saw was a
man with a cart full of melons. He seemed in a real hurry.’
‘That was her!’ Mrs Tucker fumed. ‘Biscuit and the magpies must have been hidden in the cart.’
Badawi looked crestfallen.
‘Never mind,’ Mrs Tucker said. ‘We’ve got to get out of here. Cattypuss is going nuts. He’s going to destroy the city.’
As she said it the statues of the cat pharaoh started to topple one by one along the boulevard.
‘We’s got to get to the baaarrrge!’ Mr Tucker limped off.
Everyone charged after him.
‘I’d rather live in a caravan than stay here a minute longer!’ Lord Toffly puffed.
‘I’ll never complain about polishing spoons again!’ Lady Toffly sobbed.
Soon they reached the harbour. They waited impatiently for Inspector Cheddar: he took a bit longer than everyone else as he insisted on crawling along on his knees after Atticus and kissing the ground.
The other barge had already left.
‘She’s escaped!’ Mrs Tucker cried.
‘Forget Klob and grab your oooaaar, Edna,’ Mr Tucker ordered. ‘This lake’s choppier than a bath full of barracuda!’
It was true. Whereas when they had arrived the lake had been completely calm, now the wind was whipping it into white-crested waves.
They jumped in. Atticus and Mimi helped Mr Tucker with the tiller. Everyone else took an oar. Callie and Michael had to double up because the wind was so strong. Even Badawi’s warriors were having trouble.
‘Heave!’ Mr Tucker shouted.
They heaved.
‘Heave again!’ Mr Tucker roared.
They heaved again.
‘Keep heaving!’
They kept heaving.
‘It’s no good, Herman,’ Mrs Tucker shouted. They didn’t seem to be getting anywhere.
‘I’s got more camel faaarrrt!’ Mr Tucker tied it to the back of the boat. He found a match and lit it.
The barge shot forward for a few seconds. Then it stopped.
‘Daaarrrn it!’ Mr Tucker yelled. ‘The spark’s gone out.’ He fumbled with his matches but they refused to light in the howling wind.
‘Now what do we do?’ Mrs Cheddar said.
‘We must worship the righteous ruler of cats!’ Inspec tor Cheddar bowed and scraped before Atticus. ‘Only Cattypuss the Great can save us.’
Atticus was getting a bit annoyed with Inspector Cheddar now. He wished he would stop. He’d had enough worshipping for one day.
‘Cattypuss must have all that he wishes!’ Inspector Cheddar continued. ‘For then he will look kindly upon us and help us navigate this troubled water.’
Wait a minute! Atticus jumped off the tiller. Inspector Cheddar was right! If they gave Cattypuss what he wanted, he’d leave them alone. The barge tipped and rolled.
‘Be careful, Atticus!’ Mrs Tucker shouted.
Atticus staggered over to Professor Verry-Clever and removed the amulet from his pocket with his paw. Then he picked out Howard Toffly’s book with his teeth. He struggled towards the side of the barge.
‘Look at Atticus!’ Michael shouted.
‘He’s going to destroy the book!’ Mrs Cheddar yelled.
‘And give back the amulet!’ Callie cried.
‘No!’ Professor Verry-Clever protested when he saw what Atticus meant to do.
I’m sorry Professor, Atticus thought. But this is the only way.
He threw the book as far into the lake as he could. Then he threw the amulet. The two objects disappeared in a whirl of water. But the lake didn’t become calm. The waves were higher than ever.
‘It’s not working!’ Michael yelled.
What was happening? Atticus couldn’t understand. Cattypuss had the amulet. He had the book. What more could he want? Then suddenly he knew. ‘He wants me!’ Atticus whispered. He stood frozen at the side of the barge. The whirlpool was approaching, whipping the waves into spray. A figure of a cat rose up out of the whirlpool, taking shape in the midst of the seething water. It towered above them, snarling. Cattypuss! Atticus tried to move his paws but he couldn’t. Cattypuss had taken control of him again!
‘Atticus!’ Mimi cried. She jumped off the tiller and tried to reach him. But the barge lurched and she fell back on to Callie and Michael.
‘It’s that flipping cat pharaoh!’ Mrs Tucker yelled. ‘Somebody do something! He’s going to steal Atticus!’
‘We can’t!’ Badawi shouted. The Bedouin warriors fought with their oars, trying to stop the barge overturning.
Inspector Cheddar crawled towards the edge of the barge. He didn’t notice the whirlpool. Or the snarling tower of water. He still thought Atticus was Cattypuss the Great. What he could see, though, was that the object of his worship was in danger of being knocked off the barge by a large wave. ‘Oh tubby tabby of the dusty desert,’ he raised his voice against the wind. ‘Forgive me for putting my unworthy human hands on to your great furriness!’ He gathered Atticus up and held him close to his chest.
Atticus purred throatily. On second thoughts maybe it was a good thing Inspector Cheddar was still worshipping him after all!
With a hiss of rage, Cattypuss disappeared back into the lake.
‘I’m going to try lightin’ me camel faaarrrt again!’ Mr Tucker warned them. He put another match to the bottle.
WHIZZ! BANG!
This time the barge shot forward. Soon they reached the golden staircase. The barge glided to a halt, slotting into the base of the stairs.
‘Run!’ Mrs Cheddar yelled.
They ran up the staircase and back through the tunnel of water.
‘Don’t look back!’ Mrs Tucker ordered.
The water roared and crashed behind them.
They reached the safety of the cat’s-head rocks. Slowly they turned.
‘It’s gone!’ Callie whispered.
There was no sign of the lake. All they could see was a dry valley covered in sand.
They were all silent for a moment.
‘Do you think Klob made it?’ Michael asked.
Mrs Tucker snorted. ‘Definitely,’ she said. ‘The old boot’s stolen Badawi’s camels.’
It was true. The camels had gone.
Badawi got out his mobile phone. ‘I think we could all do with fresh ones anyway,’ he said. ‘And a good meal. You will be our guests for dinner tonight.’
‘That sounds brilliant.’ Mrs Tucker looked at Atticus. ‘Do you have any sardines, Badawi?’ she enquired. ‘Only I think someone deserves a treat.’
A few days later the travellers returned to Littleton-on-Sea. The first thing Atticus did, after eating a whole sachet of cat food and two sardines, was to put on his Police Cat Sergeant badge and visit the kittens.
Nellie Smellie was in the kitchen. She was knitting a huge jumper with her abandoned lady cats’ knitting group. ‘Hello, Atticus,’ she said. She peered at him. ‘Didn’t get much of a suntan, did you?’
Atticus purred politely.
‘What do you think of Mr Tucker’s new jumper?’ she asked. They were putting the finishing touches to the front; threading a few tasty morsels of fish into the wool.
Atticus purred throatily.
‘I’m glad you like it,’ Nellie Smellie said, giving him a bit of kipper. ‘I just hope Mr Tucker manages to get it mixed up with his beard like the last one. He’s not the same without his beard-jumper.’
Atticus meowed. Actually Mr Tucker had perked up a lot since their adventure. His beard had grown while they were in Egypt and he was convinced that the last bottle of camel fart he’d brought back was the missing ingredient that would make his new beard-jumper the biggest one in the world. He would be pleased to have Nellie Smellie’s huge jumper to experiment with.
He padded through to the sitting room.
‘Atticus!’ The kittens were thrilled to see him. They sat nicely in a circle and listened without a word while he told them about his amazing journey. One of them even asked for his autograph!
‘
So what happened to Klob, Biscuit and the magpies?’ the mean-looking kitten didn’t look so mean any more. He had washed his fur and combed his tail.
‘They escaped.’ Atticus shrugged. ‘Interpol are still looking for them,’ he said. ‘They’re checking their list of wanted melon sellers. I expect they’ll show up somewhere sooner or later.’
‘What about the Tofflys?’
‘They’re back at the caravan park polishing spoons. They didn’t actually steal anything in the end so the Commissioner let them off with a warning.’
‘What about Inspector Cheddar?’
Atticus sighed. ‘He’s still worshipping me,’ he said. ‘The doctor says it will take another week for the effects of the sleeping potion to wear off completely.’
‘What did it feel like being Cattypuss the Great?’ one of the kittens asked.
Atticus thought for a moment. ‘There were good bits and bad bits,’ he said eventually. ‘A good bit was the look on Ginger Biscuit’s face when I blew locusts at him. A bad bit was feeling that I didn’t have any proper friends.’
Everyone was quiet for a while.
‘Would you like to play a game of Monopoly?’ another kitten suggested.
‘I’d love to!’ Atticus said.
The kittens set up the game. Nellie Smellie brought in a box of cat treats to share while they were playing.
Atticus meowed his thanks. It was good to be back home. Friends. He had lots of them now, Atticus realised, since he’d stopped being a cat burglar. He had the kittens and Nellie Smellie. He had Badawi and Professor Verry-Clever. He had Mr and Mrs Tucker and the children and Mimi. He had Mrs Cheddar and (for the moment at least) Inspector Cheddar. Atticus began to purr.
Forget being Cattypuss the Great, he thought happily. I’d much rather be Atticus Grammaticus Cattypuss Claw.
About the Author
Jennifer Gray is a barrister, so she knows how to spot a cat burglar when she sees one, especially when he’s a large tabby with a chewed ear and a handkerchief round his neck that says Atticus Claw. Jennifer’s other books include Guinea Pigs Online, a comedy series co-written with Amanda Swift and published by Quercus. Jennifer lives in London and Scotland with her husband and four children, and, of course, Henry, a friendly but enigmatic cat.
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