“What’s he? A nut?” the first man asked.
“No,” Max replied, peering out at the falling professor, “I think he just had a sudden urge for a seafood dinner.”
“Catch him!” the KAOS agent who was holding the gun barked at the KAOS agent who was at the controls.
Instantly, the helicopter swooped into a dive, and a moment later it caught up with von BOOM. As the Professor descended, the helicopter flew next to him, falling at exactly the same rate of speed.
“Get back in here!” the first man shouted crossly at von BOOM.
The Professor tried to step back into the helicopter, but he made no progress.
“I don’t think he’s really trying,” the first man grumbled. “I guess we’ll have to go out there and get him and drag him back.”
“Yes, you go right ahead,” Max said. “I’ll wait here.”
“When I said ‘we,’ I meant ‘you,’ ” the first man advised. “He’s your responsibility, isn’t he? So, you go get him.”
The KAOS agent at the controls spoke up. “If we send him out there, we’ll lose them both,” he said. “It wouldn’t look too good on our records.”
“Sidney,” the first man replied, “is that all you ever think about is your record? What do you want? You want me to go out there? You know I could get killed? Is it worth it, Sidney? A life—a human life—just so you can look good on the records? Sidney, we’ve been working together for almost ten years—a team—but sometimes I think I don’t know you at all. On the outside, you’re such a nice guy. You’re a family man. You got sufficient insurance to cover your wife’s and kids’ needs in case of an unforeseen and unfortunate accident. On top of that, you got a savings account, in which you save for a rainy day. You like animals. Many a tree you’ve climbed to rescue a pussy cat, Sidney. And who is kinder to his mother, Sidney, than you? But, inside . . . I don’t know, Sidney. There are times, when I get a glimpse into your real heart of hearts, Sidney, and I wonder. What’s the answer? What are you? Who are you?”
“I’m Rodney,” the second man replied. “Sidney didn’t come with you this time. He’s on vacation.”
“That explains it,” the first man said. “Sidney would never—never in his life—ask me to step out that hatchway and risk my life.”
“I wouldn’t either,” the second man replied. “What I had in mind was for you to push that Control agent out the hatchway and hold onto him by the feet. He can grab hold of the other guy and pull him back in, and that way we won’t lose nobody. It’ll look better on the record.”
The first man beamed. “Glad to have you aboard,” he said to the second man. “That dumbhead Sidney would’ve never thought of that. He’d’ve sent me out the hatchway to my certain death.” He then turned to Max and gave him a shove.
Max tumbled backwards out the hatchway—then suddenly halted and dangled again, as the KAOS agent caught him by the ankles.
“Okay, now do like Rodney said,” the KAOS agent shouted to Max.
Max began swinging, back and forth, back and forth, gaining momentum. Finally, he was able to reach von BOOM. He got hold of him by the wrists and hung on.
“Pull us up—like Rodney said!” Max shouted.
The first man tugged. But Max and von BOOM together were too heavy for him.
“You and your big fat ideas,” the first man said disgustedly to the second man. “I can’t pull them up. And I can’t hold onto them much longer, either. Boy—if Sidney were only here!”
“Cool it, baby,” the second man replied. “I’ll fly back to the ship and land on the deck and then everybody but that Control agent can get back in and we’ll take off again.”
“Man, I’m glad I got you this time instead of Sidney,” the first man said. “You know what Sidney would have suggested?”
“What?”
“Nothing. He never had any ideas. I always had to do all the thinking for both of us. You know why Sidney has insurance and a savings account? Because I told him to. Sidney is so dumb, he couldn’t rescue a pussy cat out of a tree without directions. One thing I’ll admit, though—he’s good to his mother on his own. But what did it ever get him?”
“There’s the ship,” the second man said. “Can you hold them for another couple more minutes?”
“I can do anything,” the first man replied. “With you as my partner, I’m inspired, Rodney.”
The helicopter hovered a few feet above the deck. The first man released his hold on Max’s ankles, and Max and von BOOM dropped to the deck, then scrambled out of the way as the helicopter landed.
99 rushed up to Max and von BOOM. “You’re safe!” she cried happily.
“Not quite yet, 99,” Max said.
The KAOS agents were climbing down from the helicopter, guns in hand.
“Let’s get them, Max!” 99 said.
Max looked at her, hurt. “99, that’s my line. I say ‘Let’s get them,’ and you say, ‘With you, Max!’ Okay?”
“Sorry, Max.”
“Just don’t be a Sidney, 99.”
“A what, Max?”
“I’ll explain later. Right now—let’s get them, 99!”
Max dived at the first KAOS agent and tackled him below the knees. Surprised, the man threw up his arms to try to keep his balance, and his gun went flying. Meanwhile, the second KAOS agent had stopped to assist his comrade. His concern was an error. For, as he. started to drag Max away, 99 caught him from behind with a karate chop. Hitting the deck, the second man lost his gun, too.
Max jumped to his feet, pulled his gun, and held it on the two KAOS agents. “Well, it looks like the tables are turned,” he said crisply.
“To me, it’s no surprise,” the first man said. “I’ve never known a Rodney yet who wasn’t a jinx. Boy, you’re just lucky that Sidney isn’t here. Would he handle you two! Wow!”
“All right, on your feet!” Max said, brandishing the pistol. “We’ll just stash you in the brig until—”
“Max . . .” 99 said, pulling at Max’s sleeve. “Professor von BOOM—he’s gone!”
Max clapped a hand to his brow. “I did it again. What did I say?”
99 thought back. “Let’s see . . . I said, ‘Let’s get them, Max.’ Then you said, ‘99, that’s my line.’ Then I—”
“That’s it, 99! Line! He’s headed for the ship’s post office! After him!”
Max and 99 whipped around and dashed down the deck.
“Folks!” the first KAOS agent called after them.
Max and 99 halted. “Yes?” Max called back.
“Could we get in on this?” the first man asked. “After all, you know, your loss is our loss.”
“Just get a move on!” Max replied. “If we don’t catch him in time, he’s liable to mail himself back to the mainland.”
Max and 99, joined by the two KAOS agents, rushed from the deck and down a corridor to the ship’s post office. Professor von BOOM was nowhere in sight.
“Excuse me,” Max said to the clerk, a young man with oversized glasses. “Have you seen a dumpy little man who looks as if he needs a keeper?”
“Oh, lots,” the clerk replied. “In fact, you’re my two-hundred-and-twelfth.”
The first KAOS agent poked the second KAOS agent in the ribs with his elbow. “Reminds you a lot of Sidney, doesn’t he?” he said, indicating the clerk. “Always some dumb answer.”
“I’m talking about one dumpy little man in particular,” Max said to the clerk. “He was probably here just a few minutes ago.”
“I remember him,” the clerk nodded. “He was very upset about the long line at the stamp window. So, I said to him, ‘I’ll give you a tip, buddy. Come back in two minutes. The line always disappears after you’ve been gone for two minutes.’ Well, when I said I’d give him a tip, he started to leave. But then when I said ‘line,’ he came back. So, I said, ‘Don’t you like the tip, buddy?’ and he left again. I haven’t seen him since.”
Max nodded. “That makes sense. We’ll find
him in the dining room.”
“Boy, that’s a Sidney if I ever heard one,” the first KAOS agent said to the second KAOS agent. “When a bunch of garbage makes sense, it’s a Sidney.”
Max and 99 dashed down the corridor toward the dining room. The two KAOS agents hurried after them. But, as before, when they reached the dining room, it was deserted.
“Gone!” Max groaned. “Not a soul around. Not man nor beast.”
“Only birds,” the first KAOS agent said.
“Birds?”
The KAOS agent pointed out the porthole. “Seagulls.”
Max scowled. “I wonder . . .” He went to one of the portholes. Above it was posted a small sign, saying: Please Do Not Feed the Seagulls. “This explains it,” Max said. “He read this sign. One of the words reminded him of something. We’ll find him back at the helicopter.”
“One of these words reminded him of a helicopter?” the first KAOS agent said doubtfully. “Which one?”
“Seagull.”
“Is that another Sidney?” the second KAOS agent asked the first KAOS agent.
The first KAOS agent whistled shrilly. “Not just another,” he said. “That’s a super Sidney!”
“Max, we better get back there fast,” 99 said worriedly. “The helicopter engine was left running.”
Max and 99 raced back along the corridor, and, with the two KAOS agents right behind them, soon emerged on deck. They spotted Professor von BOOM seated in the helicopter, studying the controls.
“No!” Max shouted. “No, not that!”
Max sprinted ahead. The two KAOS agents increased their speed, too, trying to keep up with him.
Reaching the helicopter, Max leaped aboard. But the heel of his shoe-phone caught on the edge of the hatchway and he stumbled forward and fell against the controls. Immediately, the helicopter shot straight up into the air.
“Now, you did it!” Max complained to von BOOM.
“Me? I was looking for a way to shut off the engine so those two KAOS agents couldn’t escape. You’re the one who got us up in the air.”
“We seem to be still rising,” Max noted. “I wonder how this thing is operated? Another thing I wonder is how high we are.” He looked out the hatchway. To his surprise, he found that the two KAOS agents were dangling from the landing gear. “We have hitchhikers,” he said to von BOOM, pointing.
Von BOOM got up and looked out the hatchway. “They’re climbing up,” he said.
Max slipped into the pilot’s seat. “This machine ought to be easy enough to handle,” he said, examining the controls. “If I just move this stick—”
The helicopter flopped over on its back, dropping Max and von BOOM in a heap on the ceiling of the bubble.
From above them came a cry of panic. “Get Sidney away from them controls!”
“They’re still with us,” von BOOM commented. He looked down. “But that’s not the worst,” he said. “We’re rising downward.”
Struggling, Max reached the stick. The helicopter rolled over on its side.
“I think I’m getting the hang of it,” Max said.
“It’s better,” von BOOM agreed. “Now, we’re rising sideways.”
“Just a lit-tle adjustment . . .” Max said, moving the stick.
The helicopter righted itself, and Max scrambled back into the pilot’s seat.
“They’re climbing again,” von BOOM informed him, peering out the hatchway.
“Easy does it,” Max said. He got hold of a handle and moved it slowly in reverse. Gradually, the helicopter began to descend. “Give me another few minutes, and I’d know this machine like the palm of my hand,” he said.
“I think we’re going to crash on the deck,” von BOOM warned.
Max shoved the handle forward. The helicopter shot back into the air.
From below came a shout of rage. “It’s not an elevator, Sidney! It’s a helicopter!”
“There’s always a grouch in the crowd,” Max grumbled.
Once more, he eased the handle in reverse, and the helicopter began another slow descent. This time, when they neared the deck, instead of yanking the handle backwards, Max held it steady.
“We’re hovering,” von BOOM advised him. “What now?”
“When I say ‘jump’—jump,” Max ordered.
“I’ll hit the deck.”
“That’s where we want to be,” Max pointed out.
Von BOOM thought for a moment, then nodded. “I don’t know how you managed it, but, for once, I think you’re right.”
“Jump!” Max shouted.
Von BOOM leaped out through the hatchway. An instant later, Max followed him. They hit the deck, rolled, then got to their feet. 99 ran up to them.
“Max—they’re getting away!” 99 cried, pointing to the sky.
The helicopter was rising swiftly, with the two KAOS agents still clinging to the gear.
“They’re not getting away, 99,” Max corrected her. “That’s the way I planned it. They’re heading out to sea. Out there, I don’t think they’ll be much trouble to us.”
“Max! That’s brilliant!”
Max turned and waved goodbye to the departing helicopter.
A cry of anguish, almost inaudible, came floating down. “Sidney! Sidney! Where are you when I need you, Sidney!”
Max, 99 and von BOOM returned to the deck chairs.
“Well, we’re safe now—at least, until we reach Africa,” Max said. “Maybe I better report in to the Chief and let him know how well things are going.”
“Right—you better do it now,” von BOOM said. “I have a feeling that it can’t last.”
“Nevermind, Max,” 99 said consolingly. “There’s always a grouch in the crowd.”
Max removed his shoe and dialed.
Operator: Is that you, Maxie? How’s the ol’ disgruntled taxpayer?
Max: Operator, I’m in no mood for switchboard humor. Will you just connect me with the Chief, please.
Operator: In trouble over your head again, Maxie?
Max: It so happens, Operator, that I am calling in to report nothing, so far, but total success.
Operator: It can’t last. I’ll keep the line open for five minutes.
Max: Five minutes? Why five minutes?
Operator: If you’re running true to form, by then you’ll be over your head in trouble again.
Max: Operator, let me talk to your supervisor.
Operator: Sorry, Maxie—she’s on vacation.
Max: You’re very fortunate. Now, will you please connect me with the Chief?
Operator: No can do, Maxie. He’s out. He left a message for you, though.
Max: Yes?
Operator: He said to tell you if you called in that with everybody out of town on vacation, he’s had no work to do.
Max (impatiently): So?
Operator: So he’s gone on vacation.
Max hung up and placed his shoe back on his foot.
“What is it, Max?” 99 asked, concerned.
Sulking, Max did not reply.
“This is a unique crowd,” von BOOM said. “It has two grouches.”
4.
AS MAX, 99 and Wormser von BOOM were disembarking from the ocean liner at the pier in Africa, a gigantic wooden crate, being carried by a crane, came loose, hurtled downward, and crashed only feet from them.
Max waved genially to the crane operator. “That’s all right—accidents will happen,” he called.
“Max! We could have been killed!” 99 said.
“99, anybody can make a mistake. And we have to pay particular attention to show these people that we’re nice guys. In some places, Americans aren’t too well thought of today. So we have to go out of our way to be friendly.”
“Yes, Max, but—Eeeeeeeek!”
A taxi had zoomed by, missing them by a matter of inches.
“Think nothing of it!” Max shouted after the driver. “Our fault for being on the sidewalk!”
“Max, what I was about to say was,
isn’t it possible that these accidents haven’t been accidents? If KAOS—”
“Just a second, 99,” Max said, his eyes narrowing. “Something has just occurred to me. Doesn’t it seem a little strange to you that all of these near-fatal accidents are happening to us? Why not to anybody else? After all, there were other detested Americans on that ship. 99, I’m beginning to suspect that these accidents haven’t actually been accidents.”
“You mean—”
“Right, 99. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that the local KAOS agents have been alerted to our arrival. From now on, we better make it our policy to be suspicious of everyone and anyone.”
“Good idea, Max.”
Von BOOM snorted. “A child could have figured that out.”
Max eyed him suspiciously. “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before, buster?”
“Max, that’s—” 99 began.
“I know, I know, 99. Just practicing.”
“Oh. Well . . . what now, Max?”
“Well, we’ll— Oh, excuse me,” Max said to a small, dumpy Arab who had slipped a hand into Max’s pocket, “I think my pocket is caught on your fingers.”
The Arab glared at him. “I’m not surprised. You’re probably trying to bribe me. You despicable Americans think money is the answer to everything. How much were you going to offer?”
“Actually, I don’t carry my money in that pocket,” Max replied. “It’s in my wallet.”
“Details, details, let’s get on with the bribe.”
“I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong impression,” Max said. “I have no reason to bribe you. All I need is directions to the nearest trustworthy rent-a-camel agency.”
The small, dumpy Arab pointed. “Up the street about six blocks.” He held out a hand, palm up. “That will be five bucks.”
“Are you sure it’s trustworthy?” Max said. “No offense meant, but you know how undependable you foreigners are.”
“It’s trustworthy,” the Arab replied. “That’ll be ten bucks.”
“You said five bucks.”
“That was before I put my reputation on the line and assured you it was trustworthy. You see any signs hanging on me saying I toss in my reputation for free?”
Get Smart 7 - Max Smart - The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold Page 4