“Yes . . . afraid so. You see, I had it here in my rear pocket, and the motorbike was jouncing around— What, ho! Here it is, Des. I didn’t leave it on the motorbike, after all. There’s a good bit of mother in me, too, apparently.” He handed a pistol to Desmond.
Desmond, in turn, pointed it in the general direction of Max, 99 and von BOOM. “Since we seem to hold all the cards, and since it’s such a beastly hot day, shall we all just sit down, and, as the Americans say, refrigerate it?” he smiled.
“Cool it,” Max corrected.
“Ah, yes—slang terms haven’t changed much in thousands and thousands of years, eh?”
They all settled into deck chairs.
“Too bad we can’t phone ahead to the papers, Des,” Archie said. “This will raise quite a flap, I imagine—two mummies, thousands and thousands of years old, and still living. It’s the sort of thing the press makes a large to-do about.”
“Would be rather nice,” Desmond agreed. “But, of course, there’s no way to signal.”
“Far be it from me to be a sorehead,” Max said. “If you want to, you can use my shoe.”
“How very accommodating.”
Max removed his shoe and handed it to Desmond who got up and began waving it about.
“That won’t work,” Max said.
“I’m perfectly aware of that, chap. But, since you were so nice to offer it, I thought I’d at least go through the motions.”
“It’s a telephone,” Max explained. “Remove the heel and dial.”
Doubtfully, Desmond detached the heel. Finding the dial, he brightened. “By Harry! I’ve heard that you chaps back in ancient times were centuries ahead of us in some matters, but this— Fantastic!”
He dialed the Information Operator in Alexandria and got the numbers of the various newspapers, then telephoned each one and talked to a reporter. After he had finished spreading the news, he handed Max’s shoe back to him.
“They’ll all be at the dock to meet us,” Desmond advised Archie. “I suspect, old chap, that we’re in for a round of world-wide acclaim. Famous, and all that rot.”
“You’ll look like a couple of hoods, carrying that gun,” Max said.
Desmond sat up, startled. “Good gracious! You’re absolutely right. A pistol would look frightful in the newspaper pictures.”
“Chuck it overboard, Des,” Archie said.
“I hesitate to, old boy. It’s not mine, it’s yours.”
“Oh, yes—forgot about that. And it’s been in the family for such a terribly long time. It’s the one daddy always misplaced just before he went into battle in World War I.”
“Maybe I could help,” Max suggested. “I wouldn’t mind holding it for you—until after all the fuss and the picture-taking and all is over.”
“You know,” Desmond said, handing over the pistol, “you’re not really a bad sort at all—for a mummy.”
Max pointed the gun at them. “Hands up, and don’t move.”
“I rather think I’ll withdraw that last compliment,” Desmond said.
“Serves him right, too, Des,” Archie said grumpily.
“But, Max, what will we do with them?” 99 said.
“For starters, kick them off our boat,” Max replied.
“Max, those reporters are expecting them in Alexandria. If they’re not aboard, there’ll be an investigation. We’ll lose so much time.”
Max thought for a moment. He looked from Archie to Desmond, then from Desmond to Archie, then stared for a few seconds at the mummy cases.
“The problem is solved, 99,” Max said.
Two days later, the houseboat reached Alexandria. The dock was swarming with newspaper reporters. “Where are they?” the reporters called, scrambling aboard as the boat tied up at the pier.
“You’ll find what you’re looking for in the basement,” Max replied.
The reporters pushed past him and disappeared below. Max, 99 and von BOOM hurried ashore and rushed away. A few minutes later, they got into a taxi and ordered the driver to take them to the airport.
“Max . . . Desmond and Archie are going to be very angry,” 99 said.
“I doubt it, 99. That would be un-British.”
6.
MAX, 99 and von BOOM entered the crowded airport terminal and started toward the ticket desk. But Max suddenly stopped.
“Let’s not forget, 99,” he said, “we’re back in civilization now. So watch out for KAOS agents. Don’t trust anyone. Remember Rule No. 26: Suspect First, Think Later!”
“That’s Rule No. 24, Max. No. 26 is: Don’t Hold Your Marshmallow Too Close to the Hot Coals.”
Max looked at her doubtfully. “I’ve never heard that, 99. Isn’t that a little silly to be a rule for a secret agent?”
“Not if you’re on a cook-out and you have reason to think a KAOS agent has slipped you a booby-trapped marshmallow, Max.”
“I suppose not,” Max nodded.
“Is anybody going to get the tickets?” von BOOM asked.
“Will you let me direct this operation, Professor?” Max said. “I happen to have a lit-tle bit more experience at fleeing from KAOS than you do. You just stick to your science.”
“All right, then, what next?” von BOOM said.
“I’ll go get the tickets. You two wait right here.”
Max made his way through the crowd to the ticket counter. He addressed the clerk. “Three one-way tickets to Vladivostok,” he said. “That’s in Russia.”
“I know where it is,” the clerk, a young man, responded coolly. “I majored in Vladivostok in ticket school.”
“Sorry about that,” Max said. “I just wanted to be very specific. I didn’t want to end up with tickets to Vladivostok, Spain or Vladivostok, Nebraska. I find that if I’m very specific, I avoid making a lot of stupid mistakes.”
“One-way tickets, eh?” the clerk said. “You must be a secret agent. Planning to stay in Russia and spy a while?”
“No, just passing through,” Max replied. “And I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t mention that secret agent business to anybody. It’s supposed to be a secret.”
“It’s all right,” the clerk replied, “I’m a secret agent, too. I’m the secret agent in charge of spotting secret agents entering Russia.”
“Oh . . . nice to meet you,” Max nodded. “Now . . . may I have those tickets?”
The young man detached three tickets from a roll, stamped them, then handed them to Max. “Keep one foot on the ground,” he said.
“Pardon?”
“I said, ‘Keep one foot on the ground.’ That’s the safest way to fly.”
“Oh. One more thing—where do we get the plane?”
“You go out to the end of the main runway and flap your arms and then fly straight north.”
“Ah . . . could you explain that?” Max said.
“The plane took off two hours ago,” the young man replied. “There’s only one flight a day to Vladivostok. The next one isn’t until tomorrow. You better hurry if you want to catch up with today’s flight. It’s a jet. And they’re speedy as the dickens.”
Max handed the tickets back to him. “Nevermind.”
He returned to where 99 and von BOOM were waiting and explained that the next flight to Vladivostok would not be leaving until the following day.
“Max, that means we’ll have to stay here almost twenty-four hours,” 99 said. “And every minute of delay gives KAOS that much more time to try to kidnap Professor von BOOM.”
“I know, 99. But what can we do? There’s no possible— Wait a minute. I have an idea.”
Max made another trip to the ticket desk. When he returned he was carrying a thick folder. “This is the international airlines schedule,” he explained. “It lists the departure and arrival times of every flight in the world. It’s just possible that we can get to Vladivostok by way of somewhere else.” He opened the schedule and studied it for a few moments, then suddenly brightened. “There’s a plane leaving here for Pari
s in a few minutes,” he said. “And, with a little luck, we can connect with a plane that flies from Paris to Vladivostok.”
“Wonderful, Max!”
“Why don’t we just get a plane straight to the North Pole?” von BOOM suggested.
Max consulted the schedule again. “Because there’s only one flight a year to the Pole,” he said, after a second. “And we missed it by six months. Besides, it only flies over the Pole. It doesn’t stop.”
“At the rate we’re going, and all the trouble we’re having, I still think that would be the quickest and easiest,” von BOOM said.
Max let the comment pass and returned to the ticket counter and purchased three one-way tickets to Paris. Then he and 99 and von BOOM boarded the plane, which was ready to depart. A few minutes later, the plane took off.
Max looked around at the other passengers. “Did you happen to see anyone who looks like a KAOS agent, 99?” he said.
“No, Max.”
He faced front. “Just keep alert for anything suspicious,” he said. “KAOS is probably getting desperate by now. They’re liable to try anything.”
The stewardess appeared. “Coffee, tea or coke?” she smiled.
“Doped or un-doped?” Max shot back.
“Oh, you must be that crazy secret agent,” the stewardess said. “The ticket clerk told me you’d be aboard.”
“He promised he wouldn’t blab it around,” Max said, disappointed.
“It’s all right,” the stewardess replied. “I’m a secret agent, too. I’m the secret agent in charge of observing secret agents entering France. Now . . . what will it be? Coffee, tea or coke—doped or un-doped?”
“We’ll pass,” Max said.
Several hours later, the airliner landed in Paris. Max, 99 and von BOOM hurried into the terminal and rushed to the ticket counter.
“Three one-way tickets to Vladivostok—and snap to it!” Max ordered.
“Yes, sir!” the clerk replied. Quickly, he tore three tickets from a roll, stamped them, and handed them to Max. “There you are. Fast enough?”
“Very good,” Max said. “Now, where do we get the plane?”
“In Berlin, Germany,” the clerk replied. “That’s its next stop. It left here about a quarter of an hour ago.”
Max sighed gloomily. “And the next flight to Vladivostok doesn’t leave until tomorrow, I suppose,” he said.
“Say, you know the schedule pretty well,” the clerk said. “Try this one: If you were an American businessman and you had an appointment for lunch at the Café Le Pousse Cat, which flight would you take? The one that goes by way of London, Rotterdam and Dusseldorf? Or the one that goes by way of Glasgow, Stockholm and Madrid?”
“That’s a toughy,” Max scowled, opening his international schedule.
“Max . . .”
“Just a minute, 99. The answer should be . . . Yes, this is it.” He faced the ticket clerk again. “By way of London, Rotterdam and Dusseldorf,” he said.
“Wrong. You’d go outside and get a taxi and take it into town. The Café Le Pousse Cat is only about a half-hour drive from here. You’re already in Paris.”
Max glared at him. “Nobody likes a smart ticket clerk,” he said. “Just exchange these three one-way tickets to Vladivostok for three one-way tickets to Madrid.”
“Madrid, Max?” 99 said.
“While I was looking up that answer, 99, I happened to notice that there’s a daily flight from Madrid to Vladivostok. We can make the connection, I think, if we can get on the plane that’s leaving here for Madrid in exactly—” He looked at his watch. “—four minutes.”
“If you’re going to Madrid,” the clerk said, “ I can give you a tip. Don’t—”
Von BOOM started to wander away. Max grabbed him and escorted him back to the counter.
“We don’t need a you-know-what,” Max said to the clerk. “Just give us the tickets.”
“All right,” the clerk said, handing Max the tickets. “But when you get to Madrid, watch out for what you Americans call the policemen.”
“The what?” 99 asked.
“Nevermind, 99,” Max said, urging her away. “We’ll miss the plane.”
They rushed from the terminal and got aboard the airliner only moments before it started to taxi out to the runway. They had been settled in their seats for only a few seconds when it took off.
“What do we Americans call policemen, Max?” 99 said puzzledly.
“Fuzz, 99.”
“Why are we supposed to watch out for fuzz in Madrid?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because it tickles. That ticket clerk probably doesn’t want us to enjoy ourselves.”
In time, the plane landed in Madrid. Max, 99 and von BOOM hurried into the terminal. But there was a long line at the ticket desk.
“Oh, Max, this would happen now,” 99 groaned.
“I’ll see if we can get some rush service,” Max said, leading the way to the head of the line. “Excuse me,” he said to the clerk, “but could we—”
“End of the line,” the clerk said.
“But, we—”
“End of the line.”
Max shrugged, then led the way back to the end of the line. “It’s moving quickly,” he said to 99. “And there’s still a half-hour before that plane is scheduled to leave for Vladivostok. So we’ll probably make it.”
“I hope so, Max. We’ve missed so many— Max! Professor von BOOM! He’s gone!”
“Drat! What did I say?”
“It wasn’t you, Max. It was that clerk. He said ‘end of the line.’ Line! Von BOOM must be looking for the post office.”
Max and 99 rushed to the exit and looked out. Von BOOM was nowhere in sight.
“Quick—where is the post office?” Max said to a porter who was standing nearby.
“If you’re in that big a hurry, why don’t you just drop it in a mailbox?” the porter replied. He pointed. “There’s one over there.”
“No, no, I’m looking for a dumpy little fellow who looks like he needs a keeper,” Max replied.
“You’d have better luck dropping it into a mailbox,” the porter told him. “They don’t make pickups at dumpy little men who look like they need keepers.”
“I’m not trying to mail a letter,” Max said. “I’m looking for a lost scientist.”
“I see. And you think somebody found him and will probably mail him back to you. I don’t think they’d take him all the way into town to the post office, though. Not with that mailbox so handy. Have you looked in the mailbox?”
“Forget it,” Max said.
Max and 99 dashed from the terminal and got into the back seat of a cab that was parked at the curb.
“Quick! To the post office!” Max commanded.
The driver turned in the seat and looked at them. “You’re from out of town, eh?” he said.
“Yes, yes—hurry,” Max said.
“I can’t do it,” the driver said. “It’s the code of the Spanish taxi drivers never to take undue advantage of a tourist. I can’t cheat you. There’s no need to go all the way into town to the post office. There’s a mailbox right inside the terminal.”
“Look—” Max began wearily.
“Max, let me try,” 99 said. She addressed the driver. “It’s very simple,” she said. “We don’t want to mail a letter. We’re looking for someone—a small, dumpy man who looks as if he needs a keeper. We think we may find him at the post office.”
The driver peered at her, scowling, then looked at Max. “A small, dumpy guy that looks like he needs a keeper, eh, lady? What do you want with two of them? Trying to make up a set?”
“I am not dumpy,” Max said.
“Could you just take us to the post office?” 99 said. “And let us worry about the reason?”
The driver shrugged and faced front. “Why not?” he said. “The code of the Spanish cab driver is: If some tourist nut insists on getting took—be of service.”
A half-hour later, they reached
the post office, located in the center of Madrid. Max and 99 jumped out and headed up the steps—just as von BOOM came out the door and headed down the steps.
“Professor!” Max called.
But at that same instant, from behind them, came the sound of thundering hoofs, which drowned-out Max’s shout. Whipping around, Max and 99 saw a solid wall of fierce-looking bulls pounding toward them through the street.
“Well, now we know what that ticket clerk meant, 99,” Max said.
“When he said to watch out for what we Americans call policemen? You mean he meant—”
“Bulls,” Max nodded.
“Max! We’ll be trampled!”
“Run, 99!”
“But, Max! The Professor!”
“99, the Professor is already a block ahead of us. Now, run!”
Max and 99 raced up the street, with the bulls thundering behind them, getting closer. Ahead of them, Professor von BOOM drew farther and farther away.
“He sprints very nicely for a small, dumpy man,” Max commented.
“Max, run faster! If we don’t, we’ll not only lose von BOOM, but the bulls will get us.”
“You know, actually, this is the sort of thing we ought to relax and enjoy, 99,” Max said. “This is not just a simple stampede. It’s a ceremony.”
“Really, Max?”
“Oh, yes. This is the way the bull-fighting season starts. The bulls are chased through the streets to the bull ring. It’s a very interesting and colorful sight. That is, it is if you happen to be behind the bulls.”
“Max, we’re gaining on von BOOM.”
“I knew he’d slow up sooner or later, carrying all that dump with him.”
“But . . . Max . . . the bulls are gaining on us!”
“See that corner up ahead, 99? According to my calculations, the three of us, you and I and von BOOM, will reach it at the same moment. You get the Professor by the right hand, and I’ll get him by the left hand, and we’ll steer him around the corner.”
“Good thinking, Max!”
A few moments later, they reached the corner. 99 got von BOOM by the right hand. Max got him by the left hand. Then they turned. Unfortunately, 99 turned left, and Max turned right. They collided, bumped heads, and dropped to the street, unconscious. Professor von BOOM had just enough time to drag them both to safety before the bulls went thundering past.
Get Smart 7 - Max Smart - The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold Page 8