Get Smart 7 - Max Smart - The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold

by William Johnston

  After a while, Max and 99 regained consciousness. Professor von BOOM helped them to their feet.

  “It worked, 99,” Max said. “We saved him. Look, he doesn’t have a scratch on him. But, let’s not waste a lot of time congratulating ourselves,” he said, getting out the international flight schedule. “We still have to get to Vladivostok. Now here . . . here’s a flight to Athens from Madrid. And, with any luck at all, it will get us there in time to connect with the flight from Athens to Vladivostok.”

  “My hunch is we won’t even make it back to the airport,” von BOOM said.

  “That’s not a very nice thing for a man to say who’s just been rescued from a stampede of bulls,” Max replied peevishly.

  They returned to the street that had recently been the stomping ground for the herd of bulls, then signalled a cab and rode back to the airport.

  “Found him, I see,” the porter said, as they entered the terminal. “I didn’t think he’d get very far without a stamp on him.”

  Max did not try again to explain.

  They moved on to the ticket desk. Max got three oneway tickets to Athens, and a while later they boarded the plane.

  As the airliner took off, 99 relaxed in her seat and closed her eyes.

  “Better stay awake, 99,” Max said. “The whole plane could be infested with KAOS agents for all we know.”

  “Max . . .” she replied wearily, “. . . I’ve been awake for so many hours, I’ve stopped counting. We’ve been chasing all over Europe and half of Asia, hopping on planes, hopping off planes, running from bulls, arguing with taxi drivers . . . Max, I’m exhausted.”

  “But somebody has to keep an eye on von BOOM, 99.”

  “Can’t you do it, Max?”

  “99, I’ve been chasing all over Europe and half of Asia, hopping on planes, hopping off planes, running from bulls, arguing with taxi drivers . . . I think I deserve a little nap.”

  “Sorry, Max . . . selfish of me. Nighty-night, Max.”

  Max soon dozed off. But his nap was short-lived. He was suddenly aroused by the voice of the pilot over the loud-speaker.

  “Tenshun, yawl!” the voice said. “This hyar’s yur pilot, ol’ Migale Orteeze from the Southa Spain. Now, Ah don’ want none of yawl fine folks to panic—but we got ourselves a specka trouble.”

  “We lost a wing!” Max said, sitting up, panicking.

  “Now, don’ get nothin’ fancy in yur heads—like this ol’ flappin’ chicken lost a wing nur nothin’,” the voice continued. “ ’Cause it ain’t nothin’ like that a-tall. Why, I wouldn’ hardly bother to mention it, ’cept I get such a ding-dongy kick outa talkin’ to ya over this hyar squawky-box. What it is, ya see, they’s all fogged-in there at that Athens place. Wheweeee! They say the fog’s so thick on the ground there, you could cut it up in li’l ol’ sqars and sell it for tattletale gray ice cubes. That’s a little humor there to keep up yur spirits.”

  “I’ll bet he’s going to tell us we have to turn back,” Max said.

  “No, as a fact, I ain’t,” the voice said. “What we’re gonna do is, see, we’re gonna go to our alternate. That’s the place where ya go when you cain’t get in to the place where yur goin’. Now, our alternate, accordin’ to this slippy little piecea paper they give me, is some li’l ol’ town in Egypt. It’s called Alexandria. Anybody ever been there? Well, no bother. It’ll be a nice little surprise for all of us. So, let’s jus’ settle back, folks, an’ think about that raggety-tag ol’ rip-roarin’ time we’re gonna have when we get to Alexandria—that is, if ah can find it.”

  The loudspeaker became silent.

  “A fine can of beans,” Max grumbled. “Back to Alexandria. We just left there.”

  “Max, that was yesterday,” 99 pointed out.

  “About this same time yesterday,” von BOOM said.

  “That’s right,” Max nodded. “In fact, with any luck, we ought to be able to catch the flight to Vladivostok that we missed yesterday.”

  When the plane landed at Alexandria, Max, 99 and von BOOM rushed into the terminal and up to the ticket desk.

  “Three one-way tickets to Vladivostok!” Max said. “And snap to it!”

  “Oh . . . there you are,” the ticket clerk said. “I hope you enjoyed your stay in Alexandria. Did you see the sights?”

  “What we saw was Paris and Madrid,” Max replied.

  The clerk nodded knowingly. “Some of these guided tours do get a bit off the beaten track,” he said.

  “Just give us our tickets,” Max said impatiently.

  The clerk opened a drawer and got out three prestamped tickets. “I saved these for you from yesterday,” he said.

  “Are they still good?”

  The clerk sniffed the tickets. “Oh, a bit musty from being in the drawer,” he said. “But they’ll air out by the time you get to the plane.”

  Max snatched the tickets and he and 99 and von BOOM rushed from the terminal and boarded the plane. They were just in time. As soon as they were in their seats, the doors closed and the airliner taxied out for a take-off.

  “Max, the past twenty-four hours have been a total loss,” 99 said. “If we’d just stayed here, at least we could have got some sleep.”

  “Don’t be a cranky secret agent, 99. Nobody likes a cranky secret agent.”

  “Besides, it wasn’t a total total loss,” von BOOM said. “I had a small adventure. How many small adventures does a scientist have in a lifetime?”

  “What small adventure is that, Professor?” 99 asked.

  “Being chased down the street in Spain by hundreds and hundreds of fierce bulls. What a story to tell the folks back home!”

  “I don’t think I’d mention it if I were you, Professor,” Max advised.

  “Really? Why not?”

  “Because of the comment. If I know anything about the folks back home, somebody is bound to say, ‘That’s a lot of bulls.’ ”

  Von BOOM looked thoughtful, then nodded. “You’re right—I’ll forget it.” he said.

  7.

  WHEN THE AIRLINER reached Vladivostok, Max, 99 and von BOOM got off as quickly as possible, hurried in one door of the terminal and out the other door, got into a taxi, and ordered the driver to take them to the railroad station.

  “Max, aren’t we doing more rushing than is necessary,” 99 complained. “We haven’t seen a KAOS agent since we were aboard that ship.”

  “That doesn’t mean that they’re not all around us, 99. We’re not supposed to see them. KAOS is a secret organization, you know.”

  “But, Max, if they’re all around us, why haven’t they tried to abduct Professor von BOOM?”

  “I told you, 99, they’re a secret organization. That’s their secret.”

  “Max, I think we’ve lost them—completely.”

  Max looked mildly troubled. “I wish I could confer with the Chief,” he said. “He certainly picked an inconvenient time to go on vacation.”

  “Max, I’m sure you can contact him by shoe-phone. He wouldn’t leave on vacation without telling someone where he was going. Suppose HIM wanted to get in touch with him?”

  “You may be right, 99. I’ll try.”

  Max removed his shoe and dialed.

  Operator: Maxie, did you get permission to take the Telephone Company’s shoe to Russia?

  Max: I have the Chief’s permission, Operator. And speaking—

  Operator: Oh sure, he’d give you his permission. It isn’t his shoe. Why should he care? Nobody cares about our telephone but us.

  Max: That’s not true, Operator. I care about it. Now—

  Operator: If you care about it, Max, how is it that you can walk all over it?

  Max: I’m not going to get involved in a silly argument with you, Operator. Connect me with the Chief. And don’t tell me he’s on vacation. I know that. But I also know that you know where he is. So, just get him on the phone, and don’t give me a lot of guff.

  Operator (timidly): Did you get up on the wrong side of the
world this morning, Max?

  Max: Operator—

  Operator: All right, all right.

  (clicks and buzzes)

  Chief: Aloha! Chief here . . .

  Max: Aloha, Chief? You mean while I’m chasing around the world, fighting off sand storms, river pirates and bulls, you’re basking in the sun in Hawaii? Is that fair, Chief? After all—

  Chief: Max, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. This isn’t exactly a vacation I’m on. It’s more of a working vacation. I’m— Just a moment, Max. I want to turn over. I’m getting a little too brown on that side. All right . . . now, why did you call, Max? Trouble?

  Max: No, Chief. That’s the trouble.

  Chief: Could you give me that again, Max? We must have a bad connection.

  Max: I said our trouble is that we’re not getting any trouble. We haven’t encountered a KAOS agent in days, Chief. Doesn’t that strike you as a little suspicious?

  Chief: Mmmmm . . . you’re right, Max. It might mean, of course, that you’ve been so clever that you’ve eluded them completely. But—

  Operator: Aw, come on, Chief!

  Chief: As I was about to say, but that hardly seems likely. It must be some kind of a maneuver, Max. They must be planning something. Maybe they’re waiting for just the right moment to strike. You better stay on your toes.

  Operator: Don’t you dare, Max! You might bend our shoe!

  Chief: The only thing I can suggest, Max, is that you play it by ear. If you’re suddenly attacked by a horde of KAOS agents, you’ll know that, until now, they’ve been playing cat and mouse. And your trouble—that is, your lack of trouble—will be over—one way or the other. But, on the other hand, if you reach the North Pole without seeing any more KAOS agents, you’ll know that you’ve out-foxed them. It could happen, Max. It’s a crazy world.

  Operator: Not that crazy, Chief. You’d better get in out of that sun.

  Max: All right, Chief. Thanks for the advice—I think. And . . . aloha, Chief . . .

  By then, the cab had reached the railroad station. Max, 99 and von BOOM got out and entered the terminal. Max bought tickets for two compartments—one for 99 and one for himself and von BOOM—on the Trans Siberian Railway, and soon after that they boarded the train. Max and von BOOM left 99 at her compartment, then entered their own compartment, which was next door. A few minutes later, the train whistle blew, then the train began moving slowly out of the station.

  “Very odd,” Max muttered, settling in a seat. “I took a very close look at every person we met from the time we left that taxi to the time we reached this compartment and not one of them looked anything like a KAOS agent.”

  “What does a KAOS agent look like?” von BOOM asked.

  “Oh . . . I don’t know. Nothing special . . . like anybody else.”

  Von BOOM looked out the window. “We’re picking up speed,” he said. “We’re almost out of the city.”

  “You don’t happen to see anybody suspicious-looking running alongside the train, do you, Professor? I know those KAOS agents are somewhere around.”

  “Nobody out there but chickens,” von BOOM replied.

  “Chickens?”

  “We’ve reached the countryside,” von BOOM explained.

  “Oh.” Max looked thoughtful for a second, then said, “Are any of them, by any chance, wearing shoulder holsters?”

  “I can’t tell. They all have their wings down.”

  “Mmmmmm . . . I wonder why? KAOS agents are very clever at disguise, you know. I better look for myself.” He got up and peered out the window, then shook his head. “Nope. But I wouldn’t be surprised—”

  There was a sudden scream. It sounded as if it were coming from 99’s compartment. Max rushed to the door, yanked it open, and dashed out into the aisle. A sinister-looking man wearing a blue suit with brass buttons was standing at 99’s doorway. The door was open, and 99 was just inside. She looked pale and startled.

  “Agent . . .” 99 gasped, seeing Max.

  “KAOS! Finally!” Max shouted. He lunged at the man.

  The man took off up the aisle—and Max landed flat on his face on the floor.

  “Max—”

  “I’ll get him, 99!” Max said, scrambling to his feet. “Keep an eye on von BOOM!”

  As the man passed through the doorway at the end of the car, Max raced up the aisle after him. They ran through one car after another, with the fleeing man maintaining a slight lead. Other passengers dived to the right and left to keep from being run down. The man and Max reached the dining car. The man sought protection behind a table. Max lunged at him. The man ducked under the table. Max landed on top of it, flat, and skidded across it—and three other tables—pulling tablecloths with him and sending dishes, silverware and glassware flying in all directions.

  As Max struggled to his feet, he caught a glimpse of the man running from the car, heading in the direction from which they had come. He gave chase. Back through the cars, one after another, the two raced. Other passengers dived to the right and left to keep from being ran down. Ahead, Max saw 99 and von BOOM standing in the aisle.

  “Inside!” he shouted.

  The man ducked into a compartment.

  “Not you! Them!” Max shouted after him.

  99 called to him. “Max—”

  “Later, 99. I’m busy right now!”

  Max thrust open the compartment door and ran in—just as the man disappeared out the window. Max rushed to the opening and looked out and up. He saw the man’s legs dangling down from above—he had climbed to the roof of the train. Quickly, Max scrambled after him.

  Reaching the roof, Max spotted the man making his way precariously toward the rear of the train. Gingerly, slowly, being careful of his footing, Max followed. The man was getting away. Max moved faster. His foot slipped. He fell and went rolling toward the edge of the roof. Just in time, he caught hold of a ridge, ending the fall. Slowly, gripping the ridge with the tips of his fingers, calling on an extra strength, he dragged himself back to the center of the roof, then struggled to his feet and resumed the chase.

  The man had reached the rear of the train and was climbing down. Thinking quickly, Max jumped down between two cars, landed on the platform, then entered the train and ran toward the rear, hoping to intercept the man. But he reached the last car—the observation car—without meeting him.

  Stopping, Max looked around, puzzled. A number of passengers were seated in the lounge car with papers. All except one had lowered their papers to stare at Max. Warily, he approached the one man who was still hidden, and then, with a sudden movement, yanked the paper from in front of his face. It was the man in the blue suit with the brass buttons.

  Max lunged at him.

  The man ducked, dived between Max’s legs, then escaped up the aisle toward the front of the train. Max landed in the lounge chair—but in the wrong position for sitting.

  With considerable difficulty, Max disengaged himself from the chair and took out after the man again. They raced through one car after another. Passengers dived to the left and right to avoid being run down.

  Ahead, Max saw 99 and von BOOM.

  “Clear the track!” he shouted. “Runaway KAOS agent!”

  “Max!” 99 called. “Stop!”

  The man in the blue suit with the brass buttons halted. Gasping for breath, he hid behind 99 and peeked out, watching Max frightenedly.

  “You just made your first mistake,” Max said to the man. “That happens to be a Control agent you’re hiding behind—as if you didn’t know it.”

  “I surrender,” the man panted. “I confess. Whatever it was, I did it.”

  “That’s better,” Max said. “Now, see? Isn’t that a lot less trouble than running?”

  “Max, what is going on? What are you doing?” 99 said.

  He looked at her baffledly. “99, I just captured a KAOS agent. You heard him confess.”

  “He’s just frightened, Max. And no wonder! Why were you chasing him all ov
er the train?”

  “He—99, let’s start back at the beginning. You screamed. I rushed out into the aisle. You pointed out this man as a KAOS agent. I—”

  99 was shaking her head. “I said ‘agent,’ Max. Not KAOS agent—just ‘agent.’ He’s a ticket agent. He was trying to collect my ticket.”

  “But, you screamed, 99.”

  “He surprised me. He opened the door without knocking.”

  “Why should I knock?” the man said. “I called in to you. I said, ‘tickets, please.’ ”

  “I didn’t hear you,” 99 explained. “So, when I saw you, I was startled.” She turned back to Max. “And I screamed. But, Max, couldn’t you guess that he was a ticket agent? Didn’t you notice his uniform?”

  “I thought it was a mod suit,” Max explained. He shrugged. “Well, no harm done,” he said. He handed the man his and von BOOM’s tickets. “This will save you the trouble of stopping at our compartment,” he said.

  The man punched the tickets, then moved on down the aisle, calling in at one compartment door after another.

  “I’m famished after that run,” Max said. “Shall we go to dinner?”

  “If you promise to stop seeing KAOS agents everywhere,” 99 said.

  “99, I don’t see any KAOS agents at all. That’s why I keep seeing them everywhere.”

  Max led the way through the train toward the dining car. Seeing him coming, other passengers dived to the right and left to avoid getting run down.

  “It’s all right . . . relax,” Max told them. “It was a false alarm.”

  When they reached the dining room and the waiters spotted Max they rushed to the tables to protect them.

  “Easy does it. It was a false alarm,” Max repeated.

  “People certainly get to know you quickly,” von BOOM said.

  “Yes. It’s my friendly manner,” Max nodded.

  They selected a table and ordered and very quickly their food was served to them.

  “Marvelous service,” Max commented.