by Frankie Love
I reach for her waist, draw her close to me, and run my hand under the hem of her shirt. The skin of her back is warm against my palm.
“Tell me something else about you,” I whisper in her ear.
“I want you really, really badly.” A smile escapes the corner of her mouth, and I know she’s telling me the truth.
My lips brush against hers, because I’m not going to wait any longer. Etta could start screaming at any moment, the phone could ring, someone else could show up at my front door.
Right now, I’m going to take what I’ve got. And what I’ve got is Catalina in my arms.
My lips find hers, and what starts as soft and slow quickly warms; it’s like were inhaling one another. Her lips part, my tongue finds hers, and I want more of her.
All of her.
Now.
My cock is so hard, throbbing in my jeans. I feel her hand gravitate towards it, as if her body and my body are meant to be.
She runs her hand over the fabric of my jeans, tracing the outline of my bulging cock, and I groan into her mouth, wanting to devour her here and now. She whimpers against me, biting my bottom lip. My hands are in her hair, her hands on my cock, and it feels so good to be wanted.
Then, as quickly as it started, it’s over.
Etta cries out. The doorbell rings.
Our food is here. The baby needs to be fed.
And our bodies—they have to wait.
Chapter 10
So, I know I’m a twenty-two-year-old college dropout with no job. I’m not exactly a catch. But here’s the thing about me: I’m not a complete bitch. I’m not totally out of touch with reality.
I’ve just had a rough go of things, and I’m so embarrassed about Yuri that I don’t even know where to start.
Maybe some girls could get caught up with a guy like him, and then recover quickly. But I’m not some girls.
I’ve never been the sort of person who knew what I wanted or how to get it. I think my mom’s focus was so distinctly on my brother growing up—his problems with school and suspensions and scandals—that her eyes were always on him.
Maybe that’s why being with Yuri was initially so appealing. Suddenly, I was the center of attention. His eyes, his focus, were always on me.
He was also demanding and judgmental, and furious if I didn’t tell him the where and the when of my day-to-day life. And I learned that the truth is, I don’t need to be the center of anything.
So it doesn’t feel good to say, yeah, I got caught up with this guy who didn’t even let me have a friend, let me have a life, who was demanding of me and manipulated me. Who used sex for power and who used me, the sister of the famous Hollywood actor, for prestige. I was pretty enough and wore short enough skirts that when I hung on his arm, I was the exact sort of eye candy he wanted.
Is it any surprise now that I prefer hoodies and cut-offs to dresses and heels? Is it a surprise that I prefer Bravo TV marathons to real-life encounters? Of course I’m depressed. Of course I’m a mess.
So here I am, standing in the quiet hallway at Jude’s house. Dusk is settling in around us, soft music is playing on a classic record player, and I can’t help but wonder what it would be like not to be the mess that I am. What would it be like if I were the sort of girl a man like Jude wanted for more than a hook-up?
The sort of girl a man like Jude wanted for real?
I watch him carry his little girl to bed, and feel tears prick the corners of my eyes. I blink them away, because they have no place here. But what if they did?
Etta is in his tattooed arms. He’s holding her so completely, with so much certainty, I can’t help but believe she’s the luckiest girl in the world. I didn’t grow up with a father, and I never thought I missed out on anything. In my mind, dads equaled loss. Men who left before they even arrived.
My mom gravitated towards other single moms, and I grew up around women—girls without fathers, and women without husbands—because that was just the way the world I lived in worked. Men were not to be counted on.
And my relationship with Yuri, in hindsight, just drives that point home.
But standing here now, it’s impossible to ignore what I see:
A man who stayed. A man who loves. A man who protects.
Yeah, Etta’s the luckiest girl in the world.
After he lays her in her crib and starts a mobile playing a lullaby, he turns the lights low and he pulls her door shut, leaving it open barely an inch. He sees me watching him and strides toward me, shaking his head.
“I swear, she’s the easiest baby in the world.” He’s holding a baby monitor and I hear him click it on. The green light is bright, and static noise blares as he finds the channel. The sounds of the mobile, soft and sweet, now fill the hallway.
“I think if you keep saying that she’s so easy, you’re going to jinx it.” I raise my eyes as he slips his hand through mine and leads me back to the living room.
“You think she looks like me?” he asks.
I’m surprised by the sentence, not expecting it all.
“Well,” I say, slowly, not wanting to say the wrong thing—because it’s kind of a pointed question. And personal. I mean, the truth is between him and Rachel, isn’t it?
And I don’t necessarily want to get in that mix. Not when this is just supposed to be a hook-up. A fling. We’ve slept together once.
Except it wasn’t sleeping at all. It was against-the-wall-fucking. Plain and simple. So my mind should not be anywhere besides the gutter.
But after spending the evening with a guy like Jude—baby-proofing his kitchen and living room, eating margarita pizza on his leather couch, tickling Etta’s tummy, and putting on different records—it’s impossible not to imagine something more.
He’s … pretty damn amazing.
“Her eyes are like Rachel’s. Blue. And her complexion, it’s lighter than yours.”
Jude nods sharply. His shoulders tense, like he’s uncomfortable.
“What?” I scowl. “You’re the one who asked the question. Don’t get mad at me. And besides, aren’t babies constantly changing and growing?”
“I’m not mad,” he says. When his shoulders drop and his eyes opened wider, I know he means it. I don’t think he’s mad. He’s… unsettled? Doubtful?
Sad, I think.
“So, do you have any wine?” I ask. “I feel like we both could use a drink.”
Jude laughs. He’s not one of those guys who laughs big and broad, getting attention from people. Jude is quiet, contemplative. You know the phrase true blue? That sums up Jude, to a T. He’s not fake anything; he’s 100% real. And he’s not going to bullshit anyone, not going to say something that he doesn’t mean.
Which makes me wonder why exactly he asked about whether or not I thought he and Etta looked alike.
“I need something stronger than wine,” he says. “Whiskey, neat. You in?”
“No way. Whiskey is trouble.”
“I thought you liked trouble,” Jude says slowly, looking at me as he opens the liquor cabinet in the kitchen. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey and pours an inch into each of two tumblers.
“Jude, I said no whiskey.”
“No. You said ‘whiskey is trouble.’ Tonight, Catalina, let’s be naughty.”
I bite my bottom lip, unable to restrain the seductive body language. My body betrays me. I want Jude so freaking bad. Watching him put his daughter to bed seriously turned me on. A man like that is a man I need.
He hands me a tumbler; I take it. He reaches his glass towards mine, and the rims clink. A toast—but to what, I don’t know.
I smile, wanting to keep things playful, not wanting to get into heavy territory I can’t chart my way out of. I need to stay in a safe zone with Jude, because after a few hours together I can already see myself getting lost with him.
Something I’m not ready for. Something he’s not ready for.
“To booty calls,” I say, laughing.
“To hook-ups.” J
ude grins, catching onto my game.
“To one-night stands.”
Jude shakes his head. “Wrong,” he says, raising two fingers in the air. “Two-night stands.”
“Touché,” I say. I take a long sip of the whiskey; it burns as it rolls down my throat. I like it, feeling this much. I think I’ve been numb for six months straight. Being around Jude is making me thaw.
He drinks his whiskey in one fell swoop and sets his glass on the counter, meeting my eyes. I don’t look away.
“I want you so bad,” he tells me.
“How? How do you want me?” I ask him.
Not that I care. He can take me, have me, do what he wants to me. Because I remember when my back was up against the wall a week ago. It should have felt dirty; it should have felt rushed. But it didn’t.
Being with him, his cock buried inside my pussy, didn’t feel wrong.
It felt so damn right.
He moves toward me. “I want you now.”
Our mouths collide as quickly as our bodies do. I lift his shirt up, tugging it over his head, wanting to see his bare chest again. He does the same with my shirt, and in a moment we’re once again exposed, our skin touching.
He unbuttons my pants. They’re loose, and I step out of them as they fall to the floor. He squeezes my ass. I’m wearing a thong, and my bare ass cheeks are in his hands. Already, my pussy is on fire, demanding to be stroked, touched. Licked.
And I want to touch him, too. I remember tracing the outline of his cock at the front door earlier tonight, how hard he was. The memory of that has been taunting me for hours.
And now—now I can have his cock again.
This time I want it in my mouth. I want to suck him until he comes. I want to feel him in me deeper, more. Now.
“Oh, baby,” he says, running his hands over my body greedily.
Good. I want him to want me as badly as I want him.
He takes my hand, leads me down the hall past Etta’s room and into his.
He sets the baby monitor on his dresser, and that’s for the best, knowing his little girl is a few doors down to keep things in check. Because knowing myself, and the way it feels to be around Jude’s body, I don’t trust myself.
Tonight I want to completely lose control. I feel like I could lock the door to his bedroom and keep Jude inside, with plans to fuck for the next week straight.
But I know that is not a reality. What is real is right now. This moment. Him standing before me in his dark bedroom.
I kneel down before him, my knees hitting his carpeted floor, and my fingers unbutton his jeans. His boxers are covering the things I am most excited about, so I pull them past his hips.
He’s excited, too, because even now I see his massive rod rising. His hands run through my loose hair. He breathes heavy above me. He smells like whiskey and wisdom and restraint. He smells like a man who knows how to take care of a woman.
I slip off the boxers and his long cock springs to life. I can’t help but let out a soft sigh at the sight of it. My fingers run over his thick shaft, remembering the way it felt in my pussy. I clench my entrance as I look at his cock, feeling juice escape from my folds.
No surprise: Jude’s cock is more than a semen shooter, more than a means to an end, an orgasm, or a baby-making machine. Jude’s cock is a fucking work of art.
I mean it. It’s a masterpiece and I’m inspired. I open my mouth, unable to hold back, and my lips widen around his shaft. My hands wrap around his length as my mouth begins to suck him, be filled by him. All I want right now is to be able to take him fully in my mouth.
But I know I can’t. He’s way too big, and I already feel the tip of his warm cock against the back of my throat. Some animalistic instinct kicks in and I want to gag on him, on purpose. Like, I want to be that totally filled with him.
I move my head up and down as I suck him. I roll his tight balls in my hand as his veiny, throbbing cock fills my mouth.
The way his cock pulses to life, I know he’s close. His fingers are no longer running through my hair, and instead he steadies himself with my shoulders, as he thrusts his thickness into my mouth.
It’s warm, and shoots of his release fill my willing mouth. He grunts above me, making me want to swallow his salty, milky release.
So I do. I taste him, drink him, lick every last drop off his massive rod.
I finish sucking and, once he’s done, I pull him slowly out of my mouth, knowing I’ll be filled with him again. But next time it’s my pussy that will be taking him.
“Cat, that was fucking amazing,” he breathes.
I lift my chin; our eyes meet. I want to say so much, but instead say nothing at all.
“What?” he asks as I stand. His hands run over my exposed breasts. My nipples harden under his palms.
“You taste so good,” I tell him, embarrassed at this admission, then realizing it’s stupid to hold back right now. And why would I? This is a hook-up, right?
I owe him nothing.
Yet I want to give him everything.
“Damn, woman. What are you doing to me?”
“I’m fucking you. I think that’s what this is called.”
He laughs, shaking his head. “You’re right, that’s exactly what this is.”
Then he grabs a condom from his dresser, rolls it onto his still-hard cock, and pulls me to the bed.
Chapter 11
She rides me, straddling my body in the darkened room, her tits bouncing as my cock fills her. We both bliss out, coming together, rocking together until we fall asleep. Our arms are entwined, our bodies slick with sweat and sex. Our hearts pump in a way that can only happen when you are giving your body over to another person.
Hard. Fast. Fully.
Hours later, Etta cries.
It happens every night. I don’t jump in surprise, because my body is programmed to wake at midnight, at 3 AM, at 8 AM. This is the rhythm of her sleep; this is the rhythm of my days, of my nights.
I slip from the sheet that’s wrapped around our bodies. Cat stirs softly, but as I leave the room she’s already back in deep slumber. Her body isn’t accustomed to the heightened sense that I live by.
I pause in the doorway, though, and while Etta whimpers from beyond, I allow myself to catch another glimpse of Cat. Her long hair frames her face, her eyes are closed, her body is completely given over to sleep. She looks so damn beautiful.
I go to Etta’s room, pick her up and hold her in my arms. She smells like lavender and buttermilk, the scent of her lotion and diaper rash cream. But I’ve come to learn the scent as hers, as familiar, as safety and love.
It’s only been six months, but I already know lavender will always remind me of her. It’s the best damn scent in the world.
With her eyes closed, she sucks her thumb, and I’m glad she never got attached to a pacifier. She’s self-reliant, and part of me feels a certain pride in that. Although she’s only six months old, deep down I believe this girl will be able to do anything.
That’s how hard I believe in her.
Is this middle of the night belief another word for desperation? Am I desperate for her to be something that her mother isn’t?
Right now, it doesn’t matter. Right now, all that matters is that Etta’s safe, loved. And damn it, she is. I walk with her into the kitchen, fill her bottle with formula, screw on the cap.
Cradling her in my arms, I pace my living room with the nipple of the bottle in her mouth. She sucks as if her life depends on it. It does.
When she finishes, I put her back in her crib, wishing that everything were different for her. For me. For us. That Rachel was here, not for me—not at all—but for Etta. A girl needs a mother.
I return to bed myself; Cat’s arms lazily wrap around my torso. Taking care of both of them tonight makes me feel good, knowing I’m making things right when it would be so easy to get things wrong. I close my eyes, trying to fall back asleep, knowing sleep never comes easy.
I wish so much wer
e different. And I wonder, if I hadn’t let my brother Nolan out of my sight, would I be a different man today? If I’d been able to save my brother would I so badly feel the need to save everyone else?
But saving people, fixing things, taking care of everyone, is my mode of operation. It’s what I do, trying to atone for my sins.
Some people joke, saying I’m Jude, patron saint of lost causes.
The truth isn’t hard to see, though, if you really look.
I’m Jude. I’m lost. And maybe I’m the one who needs saving.
I’m trying to keep my eyes open. It’s early—eight AM, the time all my days start—but today feels different.
Maybe it’s because my cock could still get hard at a moment’s notice, with Cat walking around my kitchen in her underwear and my T-shirt. Her perky tits so damn perfect, her hair piled on top of her head, and her eyes so wide, alive, awake.
Her bright eyes are taunting me.
“Damn,” she says. “Are you always this grumpy in the morning?” She opens the fridge, frowns.
“I’m not grumpy. I just didn’t sleep well.”
“Well, I slept fucking great. I swear I don’t know if it’s your bed that’s just so comfortable, or the blackout shades. For some reason I really thought sleeping here was going to be a complete cluster.” She tilts her head toward Etta, who’s banging her fist against the tray of her high chair. Cheerios fall to the floor. “But it didn’t suck, like at all. Does Etta always sleep like that?”
“She woke up three times, Cat.” I shake my head, not finding the humor in her deep sleep. I guess the joke’s on me.
“Seriously?” Cat laughs, closing the stainless steel door. “You have no food here. What do you eat? Like, there’s not even coffee.”
“Fuck. I knew there was something I was supposed to do yesterday.”
“No worries,” Cat says. “We can go get coffee. And after, we can grocery shop.”
“Just like that? Making a honey-do list for me?” I shake my head, a grin still spreading across my face. Feels nice to have someone trying to take care of me.