by Amy Cross
July 31st – Saw her again tonight. Matthew and the new girl Penny were talking, drinking beer, and I was sitting on my bed. I was writing in the journal, and then I glanced up and saw the woman on the other side of the room. Penny was talking about something, telling Matthew some kind of story, and neither of them seemed to notice that the woman was standing almost between them. The strangest part is that the woman was staring right at Penny, but I was the only one who saw.
Feeling a shiver in my chest, I glance over toward the kitchen. I'm pretty sure I remember the conversation he means, but there was no sign of anyone else with us at the time. It's clear, however, that Colin could see her from his vantage point on the bed, even if Matthew and I were oblivious. It's also clear that just like me, he seems to have seen the woman before he came to the island, as if he too was being warned about something. But if that's the case, then it'd mean the woman was real all along, that I was never hallucinating.
It'd mean that I never needed to be put on pills in the first place.
Hearing footsteps downstairs, I quickly slip the pieces of paper back into position and step away from the bed, just as Colin comes trudging up with his toolbox.
“Hey,” I stammer, trying not to panic. “I... I was just coming to find you.”
“It's all sorted,” he mutters, stepping past me and setting his toolbox down. “The only real danger is flooding, but we should be okay so long as the storm's over by morning.”
“What about the hatch?” I ask.
“The what?”
“The hatch in the generator building,” I continue. “You were talking about it before.”
He frowns. “Was I?”
“You were going to get the key from Matthew so you could take a look.”
“Was I?” He pauses for a moment, as if he doesn't remember any of that. “Well... Sure, I suppose I could do that...”
“You've seen her, haven't you?” I continue, unable to hold back any longer.
“Seen who?”
“And you tore the pages out because you don't want to remember.”
“Sorry,” he replies, “you've lost me.”
“You're haunted by her too,” I continue, “except... You don't remember, so you're not really haunted at all.”
He sits on the bed and starts untying his boots. “I don't know what you've been talking about, but everything gets recorded in my journals so -”
“Not the pages you tear out.”
“I told you -”
“They're pages where you made a mistake,” I add, interrupting him. “I know that's what you said, but it's not true, is it? They're pages you tear out because you re-read them and you don't want to believe what they describe. So you tear them out and hide them away, and once you've done that you don't even remember them.” I pause for a moment, hoping against hope that I'm getting through to him. “Do you see her now?”
“See who?”
“The woman.”
I wait for an answer, but he seems genuinely confused. His amnesia is clearly complete.
“I guess it's always like the first time for you,” I continue. “Why is that? Why don't you try to get your memory fixed? You could go to the mainland and see a doctor -”
“There's nothing wrong with my memory,” he replies curtly, as if he's irritated by my questions.
“Alright,” I continue, “then what about the replacement parts you wanted me to order for the generator?”
He sighs. “What parts?”
“Exactly. Tell me what they were.”
“I don't...” He sighs, before reaching over to grab one of his journals.
“No,” I say quickly, hurrying over and putting a hand on his arm to stop him. “Don't look it up. Actually tell me what you remember. We talked about this more than once.”
“I...” He stares at me for a moment. “I don't know. Listen, I have my way of doing things around here and it works just fine for me, okay? I really don't need you to start interfering.”
“I think someone was trying to warn us,” I continue. “It's like, from the moment we decided to come to the lighthouse, we started seeing this woman appearing in our lives, in brief flashes, but what would she be warning us about? The lighthouse? There's nothing wrong with the lighthouse, it's just a building, and I'm pretty sure the storms aren't a problem, so what would she be trying to warn us about?”
Suddenly I hear footsteps, and I turn to look over at the top of the stairs. The footsteps continue, getting closer, until finally Matthew appears, wiping mud off his hands.
“Hey guys,” he says with a faint smile. “How's it going up here?”
Chapter Sixteen
One month earlier
“It's so cool,” Mel continues, ducking out of shot for a moment before reappearing on my laptop's screen. “I mean, I know it was just the first day, but I really think I can fit in there. Plus, we're all going out for drinks on Friday night, so I reckon I can get to know people better then.”
“That's great,” I reply, with the laptop balanced on my knees as I sit in the empty front room. “I can't believe you're actually working in a real office with real people.”
“I know, right?” She laughs. “It's an unpaid internship right now, but hopefully within six months I'll get an actual position with a salary. It sucks living at home with Mum and Dad, they're always nosing about. I swear, I think I actually need to get a lock for my door. I'm gonna ask Dad if he can fix one for me.”
“Just buy one yourself,” I tell her.
“Like I know how to do that.” She smiles. “I've had to take out a loan to cover basic living costs.”
“Another loan?” I reply, shocked. “But your student loan already -”
“Relax, I'll pay it back once I get a proper job. It's all good, Penny, stop being such a worrywart. They wouldn't have approved the loan if they didn't see I could pay it back, would they?” She takes a sip of red wine. “So what's it like being there all alone? Do you miss me? Go on, say you miss me.”
“Of course. It's really weird, I keep expecting you to come running through.” I pause for a moment, relieved to have the faint hiss of the laptop to balance out the silence of the house. “It's only for another week, though. Soon I'll be setting off on a long train journey north, and then I'll be heading out to my new job.”
“Oh my God,” she replies, “are you still doing that crazy lighthouse thing? I thought you were just, like, joking or something!”
“It's a job.”
“Like, that's insane!” She takes another sip from her glass of red wine. “You're crazy, Penny. You're, like, the craziest person I know!”
“I'm not crazy,” I reply, “I just...” Pausing for a moment, I realize that she might be right: I'm getting ready to pack up and move to Scotland, and then I'm going to head out to a lighthouse. Every part of that sentence sounds nuts. Meanwhile, all the other people from my year at uni are looking for actual jobs, and here I am planning something completely ridiculous. For a moment, it occurs to me that maybe I should just go back to live with my parents and try to get a job that's slightly more normal. I could even, finally, bite the bullet and take out a loan just for a short while... Then again, even the thought of doing that is enough to send a shudder through my chest. “I want to keep moving forward,” I tell her finally. “I need an actual job that pays actual money. No debt, no more sitting around waiting for life to begin.”
“But if you just moved back to -”
“No,” I say firmly, hoping I won't have to elaborate too much. After all, I never told anyone, not even Mel, how bad my father can get. “I can't go back. I need a job, any job, and this one at the lighthouse is better than nothing. I'll actually get paid, Mel, and I can save money. Then I'll be able to get my own place, get a job somewhere else, and not have to rely on anyone else. I hate relying on people.”
A moment later, I hear a faint creak from out in the hallway. Turning toward the door, I half expect to see that strange woman again.
“You got someone with you?” Mel asks.
I turn back to her. “Did you hear it too?”
She smiles. “What's wrong? Is the house suddenly haunted?”
“No, I just...” My voice trails off as I try to decide whether or not I can tell her what has been happening. “It's nothing.”
“You're not getting spooked, are you?”
I shake my head, while scratching the back of my neck.
“I know that face,” she continues. “You always scratch the back of your neck when you're lying, Penny, and you scratched it just now.”
“I didn't!” Wait... I did.
“You are spooked.”
“It's just little bumps now and again,” I tell her. “You'll think I'm stupid, but I've started putting the dishwasher and the washing machine on every night, right before I go to bed.”
She sips more wine. “Why?”
“So there's some noise in the house while I'm going to sleep,” I continue, with a faint, embarrassed smile. “Better that than silence and... Well, you know what it's like. Nowhere's ever completely silent, is it?”
“Are you sure you don't want to come to London and visit me?” she asks. “I promise we'd have fun!”
“I'd love to,” I reply, “but I barely have enough money for the journey to Scotland. I just need to -”
Hearing another bump from somewhere in the house, I look over at the door again. I listen for some hint of movement, but there's only silence.
“You're okay, right?” Mel asks. “You're not losing your mind in that place? Are you taking your pills, lady?”
I pause for a moment before turning back to her and forcing a smile. “I'm fine,” I reply. “Honestly. In fact, I'm really looking forward to the change of pace. It's like -”
“Woah!” Mel says suddenly. “Is that the time? Babe, I've got to go, I'm due out to meet some friends for drinks in, like, twenty minutes! It's just some people from the new job, but I need to network if I wanna get hired full-time when my internship's over.”
“Sure, I -”
“I'll call at the weekend, okay? Gotta go! Love ya!”
Before I can reply, she cuts the call and I'm left to sit back and imagine her rushing around, trying to get ready. It's good to think of her living a full life and getting on with things, but I just have to tell myself that it'll be the same for me soon. I'm just taking a slightly different route to get there.
A moment later, I hear another bump, this time from upstairs.
***
“Hello?”
Stopping at the door to my room, I peer through and breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I see that there's no-one here. Over the past week, I've cycled through various possibilities, including the idea of someone living here secretly, hidden in the walls, and even the possibility that there might be some kind of ghost. Finally, however, I've managed to convince myself that this is just one of those houses that makes noises, and obviously I only noticed once everyone else moved out and I was alone here. After all, when I was living with Mel and the others, the house was too noisy for us to hear anything else.
“So if you are a ghost,” I say after a moment, trying to remind myself to not take things too seriously, “I want you to know I'm out of here soon, so... Let's just try to get along, okay?”
I wait.
Silence.
Smiling, I turn and head toward the stairs. It's pretty crazy how strange things can get when you're living alone. Whatever life is like at the lighthouse, it has to be better than this.
Even though it's only 6pm, I put the washing machine and dishwasher on anyway, just so that there's some noise in the house. I figure I can run them pretty much continuously to drown out any more little bumps and knocks. That way, even if there is something here, I won't have to hear it.
Chapter Seventeen
Today
“Listen to that, eh?” Matthew says, watching through the window as the storm continues to build outside. “I don't know about you guys, but there's something about a real belter of a storm that always makes me feel good. It's like the natural world's unleashing all its fury, and I'm safe and sound inside.”
The lights flicker for a moment, and I look up as I hear the sound of wind howling around the lighthouse. Every few seconds, heavy rain is blown against the window next to my bed, and every thirty seconds or so the light from the lamp swings around and briefly lights the drops on the glass. From above, there are occasional rumbles of thunder.
“Think about being out at sea on a night like this,” Matthew continues, “getting tossed about on huge waves. Without guys like us to keep them safe, the poor buggers'd be lashed against the rocks in no time.” He watches me for a moment as I continue to eat my bowl of pasta. “Imagine being out there, miles away, and seeing the light from this old girl blasting out through the darkness, warning everyone to keep away. I hope to God they all pay attention. The rocks around this place'd rip the hull of a boat to shreds.”
I glance over at Colin and see that he's writing in his journal, as usual. I doubt he remembers much of our earlier conversation.
“Hey,” Matthew says suddenly, leaning closer and snapping his fingers in front of my face, “what's wrong? Cat got your tongue?”
“I'm eating,” I reply, with food still in my mouth. “That's all.”
“Scared, are you?”
“Of the storm?” I stare at him for a moment. “This isn't the first storm I've been in.”
“Might be the last, though,” he replies, before laughing and patting my back. “Just joking,” he adds, turning and making his way toward the kitchen area. “I've been through worse in my time here, but there's no need to worry. The lighthouse isn't gonna get blown over, it's built on solid -”
He stops suddenly as the lights flicker off, but they come back in less than a second.
“Now that I don't like,” he mutters, turning to Colin. “You're sure the generator's doing okay, aren't you?”
“I'm sure,” Colin replies, his voice barely rising above a mumble.
“We've only really got one job out here,” Matthew continues, grabbing the kettle and starting to fill it at the sink, “and that's keep the bloody lights on. The rest is optional.” There's another new tone to his voice, and this time – for the first time since I got here – he actually sound genuinely worried.
I force a smile, before looking back down at my bowl of food. I keep telling myself that I'm imagining things, but since the storm hit I've been feeling increasingly wary of Matthew, and I think he's started to pick up on that change. Even by his standards, he refuses to shut up, instead pouring out a stream of small-talk that only serves to emphasize how quiet Colin and I have been for the past few hours. Sometimes I think he's actually scared of silence.
“You wanna go up top?” he asks suddenly.
I turn to him. “Do you mean -”
“It's totally safe, as long as you hold onto the railing. We've got raincoats.” He smiles. “You haven't really lived until you've been at the top of a lighthouse in a big storm. I know it might not seem much different to being on the ground, but trust me, it's a real eye-opener. It's like you're being held up into the tempest, almost like an offering on the end of a god's arm.”
I stare at him for a moment. “No thanks,” I mutter finally. “I'm good here.”
“You don't wanna live a little?”
“I'd rather stay dry.” Damn it, can't he just shut up for a few minutes?
“Suit yourself,” he replies, turning back to the kettle as it continues to boil, “just trying to liven things up. I thought it might be fun to get a bit of a party started round here, but I suppose we can all sit around being moody instead.” He turns and looks at me, and then at Colin. “God, you two are a right pair. Where's your sense of adventure? Where's your sense of -”
The lights suddenly flicker again. They quickly come back on, but finally they fail properly and the room is plunged into darkness.
“
Colin,” Matthew says after a moment, with a hint of caution in his voice, “are you sure the generator's okay?”
“What about the lamp at the top?” I ask.
“That's on a different system,” Matthew snaps at me. “That can't go off.”
“Maybe there's been some flooding,” Colin mutters. “I kept meaning to do something about that, but...” His voice trails off for a moment. “At least, I think I did.” He can be heard leafing back through the journal, and after a moment he uses a cigarette lighter to check the index.
“I don't like the dark, Colin,” Matthew continues, his voice filled with tension. “You know that.”
As they continue to bicker, I glance at the window but see nothing outside except darkness. I can hear rain crashing down, though, as I wait for the lights to come on. After a couple of minutes, with Matthew still berating Colin for the problem with the generator, I suddenly realize that I haven't seen the lamp's main beam passing overhead for a while, so I crawl across my bed and look out, waiting. The seconds tick past, and a sense of unease starts growing in my chest until finally I turn to the others.
“Guys -”
“Hang on,” Matthew says dismissively, glancing at me before turning back to Colin. “You've only got one job around here, mate, and lately you barely even seem able to do that.”
Realizing that they're not paying attention, I get to my feet and hurry to the stairs. I want to believe that I'm wrong, but when I finally get to the top and push the hatch open, I find to my horror that the main lamp at the head of the lighthouse has come to a halt, and the entire building is swathed in darkness.
“There's no light,” I whisper, before turning and scrambling down the stairs. “The light's off!” I shout. “All the power's gone!”
“Don't be stupid,” Matthew snaps, turning to me before glancing at the window. He waits, but slowly a hint of concern starts to cross his face. “The generators are on different systems,” he continues finally, before turning to Colin. “They can't both fail at once, the odds of that happening are...”