"Don't worry about it, Ben. I understand. It wasn't your responsibility to tell me."
I cringed as I realized what he may or may not be truly saying. It was my responsibility. I should have told him. Because I love him, I should have told him.
Olivia laid her head in my lap and played with my phone that Andrew had given her while the doctor was speaking to us. She was scrolling through the pictures and stopped on one of the three of us with Monty peeking up behind us and giggled. We had taken it a week ago before Andrew took us to the zoo again. Olivia was so excited and he had been naming all the animals and making all the sounds all morning with her. That was the last time we all went out to spend a day together and it suddenly felt like a distant memory.
Dr. Clayton was still in the room and I'm sure he was slightly uncomfortable with the palpable tension flowing between all of us. "You should be free to go in a little while, Ms. White. I will get your discharge papers ready. Please come back in immediately if you feel any more nausea or call right away. At least until you see the specialist on Wednesday. The next couple days, I don't want you to be alone. Make sure someone is with you as much as possible in case something like this happens again. We don't want you hurting yourself worse by hitting your head or falling down stairs or anything. That little girl needs her mother safe. Got it?"
I stayed quiet and just nodded in agreement. Andrew was still standing with his arms folded across his chest. "She won't be alone," he said confidently.
The doctor nodded and stepped out of the room. Ben was shifting from one foot to the other and he was making me more nervous by the minute.
"Ben, calm down. I'll be alright."
"I know, Joss," he said, dejectedly.
For being a doctor who deals with this kind of thing every day, he had a hard time when it came to me. Always had. I felt like he made it his mission in life to somehow cure me.
I sat Olivia on the bed and moved my legs off the side to stand. When my feet touched the ground I got a little dizzy and shut my eyes. I took a few deep breaths before I tried again. Damn it all! Just focus. When I opened my eyes Andrew was crouched down in front of me with his warm hands on my knees, making me shiver in the cold room.
Ben picked Olivia up and started to walk out of the room. "Let's let Mommy get ready to go home, okay? Why don't we go to the vending machines and get some candy."
Olivia giggled and said, "Mmmm candy, candy, candy, peez. Want some."
Andrew's hands moved back and forth on the tops of my thighs keeping me seated. He was looking up at me with those piercing blue eyes that were still dim with hurt. I wanted to just collapse into his arms and never let him let me go.
"Andrew, it's okay. I'm just a little dizzy and tired. I need to get up and get dressed. "
He stayed crouched in front of me with his hands on my thighs for several long moments, still looking up at me and swallowing hard. I hadn't ever seen him emotional until today. Ben was always emotional and for some horrible reason, I was used to it and could handle it for the most part. But Andrew… I couldn't handle it. It broke me apart.
He finally stood and latched onto my elbow to help me stand. "I'll help you," he whispered. He grabbed the bag holding my clothes and dropped it onto the bed before untying my gown for me. He helped me a little more than I needed him to, but he was trying to be useful and I didn't have the heart to tell him I could do it myself. Plus, I was having a really hard time staying upright, my body was exhausted.
After slipping on my underwear under the gown, I held onto his shoulders as he moved my feet into the legs of my pants and slowly pulled them up. His fingers shook as he buttoned them, concentrating so hard his lips were set in a thin line, and the damn tears I had been trying to keep at bay overflowed and fell down my cheeks. He cupped my face in his hands and gently swiped the tears away with his thumbs, and just stood there holding me up with his eyes roaming my face.
"It tears me apart when you cry, love." His voice was hoarse and quiet, but had the same effect on me as it always did. He kissed my forehead and held onto me until the tears stopped. I felt a little calmer as he pulled my shirt over my head, but the apprehension still felt overwhelming.
I shivered as he helped me put on my jacket. "Hospitals should be warm and comforting. How the hell are people supposed to heal when they have to come into places like this?" I muttered. The tension was almost too much and I was starting to get angry. It felt good to be angry so I held onto that emotion for a few minutes while Andrew continued to not speak.
I thought about the last time I was truly mad. I had been so angry for a while there after my first surgery and then again after David left me. I had pulled myself out of it when I had Olivia. The first time I saw her beautiful face, my whole life changed. I didn't care about the wrongs that were done to me. I had the perfect gift and I held onto her. She was my life. I couldn't abandon her.
I sat on the edge of the bed while Andrew put my shoes on. I shouldn't be angry. If anything, he should be angry and walk out of here without another word. I had hurt him badly by not telling him what was going on. I took another deep breath and let the needless fury melt away, keeping my focus on the good things I had right in front of me. I had to stay strong and not allow my emotions to get the best of me.
There was still a lot to do and I didn't know exactly how bad things had gotten. I worried that Andrew would insist on coming with me Wednesday. I wanted him with me, but I don't think I would be able to handle his anxiety on top of mine.
He stood back up in front of me and ran a hand through his hair. He was in his sweats and looked like he had just rolled out of bed after a restless night. His eyes were bloodshot and the worry lines around his mouth were more defined. He was looking down at our feet for the longest time, deep in thought. I kept my eyes on his beautiful face and willed him to say something. Anything.
When his eyes lifted to mine, they were filled with pain and confusion. It felt like a knife to my chest and filled me with more guilt.
"Andrew, I'm so sorry. I--"
"No," he said firmly and shook his head. He lifted a hand to my face and cupped my jaw, his thumb stroked my chin then moved up to run along my bottom lip.
I looked down at my hands and picked at my nails. He was being too nice, too sweet. Too incredibly gentle.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," he said. I shut my eyes tightly to hold back more ridiculous tears. "Hey," he tilted my chin up with his finger. "I'm not mad. I just wish you would have trusted me enough to…"
"I do trust you, Andrew." My voice was breathy and weak and my mouth was dry. "I should have told you, but I was scared and I didn't know if… I just didn't feel ready to tell you, I guess."
He leaned forward and kissed me softly, "I wish you would have told me, but either way it doesn't change anything. I'm not going anywhere. We'll just have to get through this together."
I wanted to believe him, but for some reason I just didn't think I could. The past was still too vivid, the betrayal too prominent in my mind.
A nurse came in with a wheelchair and insisted that they escort me outside which was extremely embarrassing, but I knew they wouldn't relent, especially since Andrew thought it was such a good idea. Madison and Tyler both gave me long hugs and expressed how glad they were that I was okay.
"You scared the hell out of us, Joss." Madison looked upset at first, but after looking up at Andrew who was standing next to me, she looked close to tears. She leaned back down to give me another hug and whispered so only I could hear her, "Be strong." They promised to come by the house after I got some rest and then they left.
Andrew took Olivia to get her strapped into the car and was going to come around and pick me up. Ben waited with me.
"Well, for the most part, it looks like he is taking it well," he said.
"For now," I muttered, starting to get angry all over again, with myself and everything else.
"Joss, he really loves you. Let him in. You have to think
about Olivia and what she will need if--"
"I know!" I cried feeling a heaviness descend on me. "I am. That's why this is so hard! Somehow, I have to tell the man I love that I won't be able to be there for him for very long. And I have to somehow ask him to take care of the most important person in the world to me while I go through this all over again?" The tears ran freely and I didn't try to stop them this time. Ben turned pale and looked like he was about to be sick. "How am I supposed to do that, Ben? Please tell me because I have no idea! I have no right to ask that of him."
He knelt in front of my chair and took my hands in his. "I don't know, Jocelyn. But I do know that man would give his life for your little girl, he isn't going to run away. He isn't anything like David. Don't worry about the words yet, just take care of yourself. That's what Olivia would want. Plus, whether or not he is there, she has me and Linda and the kids." He squeezed my hands for a response, but all I could do was nod.
But we had already been over that part. David would be too close to her if she was with them and even though he had given up all of his rights to her, I didn't want to take a chance.
Andrew pulled up to the curb and jumped out of the car. "What happened? Are you okay?" He crouched down next to me as Ben stood back up and looked desperate when he saw my tears.
I just nodded and started to stand. Both of them grabbed an arm and helped me to the car. I felt pathetic and weak. I hated this part. I had always done things for myself and I refused to give that up. I couldn't leave this life with Liv seeing her mother so weak. I had to be strong, for her.
I stumbled a little as I lifted my leg to climb in, but Andrew caught me and practically lifted me into the car. My body just didn't want to cooperate, it needed rest.
Ben said he was going to grab his things from his hotel and then come back later this afternoon. He made sure Dr. Harrison was aware of what had been going on, too. He had looked at the MRI himself and discussed that with the doctor as well, but he didn't say anything to me about it. Which is what I expected.
The drive back was silent for the most part except for Olivia's tiny voice coming from the back seat once in a while. She suddenly became quiet and when I looked back, she was out like a light. Looked like it had been quite a day for my little one.
Andrew pulled into the driveway and turned off the car, but made no move to get out. After a minute of awkward silence I moved to open my door. His hand shot across the seat and grabbed my thigh, "Wait. I… I'll help you. Don't move. I'll take Liv upstairs first." He opened his door and climbed out before I could say anything.
When he reached in to take Liv out of her seat, I wanted to tell him that I didn't need him to coddle me, but when I watched him lift her so carefully and saw her rest her head on his shoulder, I couldn't speak. How could I do this to him? How could I have kept this from him with no regard to how he might take it?
When he disappeared into the house, I climbed out of the car slowly and held myself up with my hands on the roof. I took deep breaths and tried to loosen the knot in my chest. What have I done? I had let him into my life and now he was just one more person I would have to say goodbye to. I should have never… No, he would never do anything to hurt Liv. No regrets, Joss. You love him.
Andrew walked out of the house and stopped when he saw me out of the car. I saw the desperation in his eyes and felt like I might collapse from desperation myself. He strode toward me and my knees dipped at the intensity in his blue eyes.
He scooped me up into his arms, cradling me against his chest. When I opened my mouth to protest, he pressed his lips to mine to stop me. "Please. Just let me."
I held onto him tightly and buried my face in his neck, knowing this was what we both needed.
He kicked the car door shut and slowly walked to the front door. Monty just about had a heart attack when I came into the house with Andrew. He kept trying to get to me and I reached down and scratched behind his ear. "I'm okay, buddy. No worries." After a few moments, he let us pass, whining the whole time at Andrew to put me down so he could greet me properly.
He carried me up to my room and laid me down in the bed, then climbed in next to me and pulled me to him, my back against his chest. He didn't say anything for the longest time and I was at a loss for the words to say or what to do. I had been so selfish. So scared. Andrew had been nothing but patient with me and loving and trusting. Now what?
I said the only thing that I truly knew right then. "I love you, Andrew."
He squeezed me tightly in response. "I love you, Jocelyn." His voice was laced with sadness. I could feel it in every pore of my body. "Get some rest now."
I closed my eyes and saw Olivia's beautiful gray eyes shining back at me. I love you, baby girl. Please don't forget me.
Chapter 12
Andrew
I took the next couple of days off and stayed with Jocelyn. Chris asked what was going on and I just told him that Jocelyn was sick and needed a little help around the house. He didn't believe me, but I think he could hear the strain in my voice and didn't ask any other questions. He said to take as much time as I needed to help her get better.
How long would that take? Would she get better? Would I lose her completely?
I held her tightly while she slept in my arms that first day. I couldn't imagine my life without her and I refused to let her go. She woke up before Liv did and we just laid there facing each other while I took in every detail of her, even though I knew each detail as if I had created them myself. From the dark brown eyes that I loved so much to the scar under her chin that she got when she was a kid. I told her I wasn't going anywhere, that I was going to help her through this and make sure her and Liv were taken care of. She just nodded and for some reason, I knew she didn't believe me. So I decided to prove it. I wouldn't let her go through this alone.
Ben came in and spoke with her for a long time while I fed Liv and kept her occupied. I understood that Jocelyn needed some time with her friend, but it didn't make it any easier to leave that room. When Ben finally emerged, he walked up to me and gave me a firm handshake. "I'll be back with Linda and the kids soon. She wants to meet you."
"Sounds good. Thanks for everything."
He shook his head, "No thanks needed. That woman is family to me. You take care of her, Andrew. Despite everything she has to say and argue about, she needs you." He patted me on the back and cleared his throat of the emotion that came to the surface. "Be strong. That's all any of us can do."
I looked down at my feet and tried to remember how to be strong. When Maddy and I lost our parents, I was strong. I could do that again, couldn't I?
He left quickly after that and I carried Liv up to her mother and we all laid in the bed and watched reruns of The Big Bang Theory on the TV I brought from my house for the rest of the evening with Liv snuggled between us.
She tried to convince me to just go to work the next day and that she would be just fine, but by the way she had been holding onto Olivia throughout the day, I knew she didn't really want to be alone. So I just told her to stop arguing with me and deal with it. I drove her to her appointment in Portland on Wednesday and surprisingly enough, she didn't complain once or make any excuses about going alone.
Madison had picked up Olivia just before we left and Jocelyn wasn't taking it very well. She couldn't stand to miss any time and it took all my power to swallow down the lump in my throat that grew when both of my girls started crying as we parted ways.
She kept apologizing, saying she was just a blubbering mess, but I kept telling her she had nothing to apologize for. She had every right be a blubbering mess.
We sat in the waiting room holding hands in silence. We had talked a little bit the last couple days, but it was mostly details about what happened the last time. She told me about the chemotherapy and the surgeries. It made me sick to think of what she went through. Her ex was an incompetent douche and even though he started doing more to help when she was first diagnosed, he made sure he was away a lot
, especially after a chemo treatment. She said it made her horribly sick and weak and she didn't think she could do it again.
Every time I looked at her, I wondered if that would be the last time I would see her. I slept in her bed with her and brought some of my things over so I wouldn't have to leave her alone, even though I was close enough for that excuse to be irrational. She didn't object to any of it after I had told her there was no other option, but I could see the frustration in her eyes every time I tried to help her with something simple. She just had to do everything on her own and it was infuriating.
"I'm not glass, Andrew. I might be sick, but I'm not dead yet," she said when I wouldn't let her cook dinner.
Her words ripped through me and tore into my soul. 'Not dead yet'. She immediately apologized for snapping at me, but I just brushed it off and told her I would back off a little bit. It was impossible at first, but she started to feel better and her strength was back so it got easier. We hadn't made love again since that night of the concert. Neither one of us had really spoken about it in depth and I was at a loss. I reached for her in the morning and she let me hold her, but just as quickly decided to get up and get moving, making me itch to spank the living daylights out of her and drag her under me so I could love her until we both collapsed from exhaustion.
Today, I felt like I was the one made of glass. She was so damn strong and here I was pretending to be strong for her when I was really bits and pieces on the inside and probably looked just as broken on the outside. She may be scared, yes, but that didn't stop her from living the same every day. I was probably causing her more stress by hovering over her, but I couldn't help it. I tried to stop, I really did.
"Jocelyn White." The sharp voice of a middle aged nurse called across the room. Jocelyn held tightly to my hand and led me through the door behind her.
Be strong, Andrew. For her. For Olivia. Don't lose it.
Our Time Page 16