There was. It was me.
And in that perfectly decorganized bedroom, a journal was sitting on the bed.
Just sitting there.
At the foot of the bed.
Like a girl in a towel, sitting there, waiting for me to make the next move.
I made that next move, and as I flipped through the pages, I knew I had to make another one.
Soon.
12
Gemma
While Ben was out at a bar in Palm Springs with Annabel from wardrobe, I was sprawled out in the queen bed of my Best Western Plus hotel room, in my favorite old Snoopy sleep shirt, staring at the TV. It wasn’t on. I was tired. I had come back from the set and tidied up all the clothes and makeup that my roommate had tossed around before she left. When I don’t know where to put all of the dirty messy thoughts that are flying around in my head, there is never a shortage of items that can be put away in drawers and artfully displayed on flat surfaces. For me, two hours of yoga had nothing on twenty minutes of decorganizing.
I was sharing a room with Julia, but she was with Jason, in his room. All around me, people were hooking up and moving into new apartments and being normal twentysomething humans. But there I lay, unable to completely get over the best friend that I was legally married to, and unable to get under him.
If I hadn’t been so tired, the knock on my door would have scared the panties off of me. It was so deliberate and loud. I wasn’t expecting a visit from the Assistant Director, but he was the kind of guy who banged on hotel room doors at eleven-thirty without texting first.
When I looked through the peephole I was very glad that my panties hadn’t been scared off of me, because I really needed to keep my panties on around the person behind that door. Because he kept making me flood them.
I didn’t open the door. “What are you doing here?”
“Let me in.”
“Theo, I’m at work!”
“Right this second?”
“No, but I can’t —”
“Gemma. Open the door.”
I opened the door and Theo Walker came crashing through it, grabbing my face and pressing me up against the wall behind me, towering over me, enveloping me, burning through my soul with his eyes and kissing me so feverishly you’d think we’d been on the verge of kissing like this for years.
My lips responded to his with five quick kisses and one breathless question: “What are you doing?”
“What I should have done the night I met you,” he said, as he continued to pin me to the wall and pepper my face and neck with kisses and questions of his own: “Did I break your heart?”
“What?”
“Did I ever break your heart?”
“No.”
“Good. Thank God. If I had I don’t think I could forgive myself.”
“Why did you—”
“Did you get together with Ben?”
“No.”
“Good. Thank God.”
“Theodore, what are you doing here?”
“I had to see you.”
“You drove for two hours and didn’t even text me first?”
“I made it here in less than two hours. Fuck, you smell good. You were wearing this shirt when I met you. You look so hot in this.” His voice was husky and his kisses were very convincing, but I still didn’t believe him and yet I couldn’t seem to pull myself away from him.
“Hah.”
“You do.” And then he asked the question that I needed him to ask, but he still didn’t stop kissing me. “Do you want me?”
“Theo.”
“Say it.”
“Yes. Yes—but—”
“I want you.” He hooked an arm below my knees, cradling me in his arms and effortlessly whisking me over to the bed, he lowered himself down on top of me. The weight of his body on mine felt amazing, and my body wanted everything that his was ready to offer, but my stupid brain wasn’t going to shut up yet.
“Why now? Before Ben, you had never given me any hint that you were attracted to me.”
“I pushed away those feelings. I ignored them. That doesn’t mean they weren’t there. I never wanted to risk fucking everything up.” He raised himself up onto his elbows so that his torso hovered over mine, but his lower body was not so gentlemanly.
“You mean fucking up your green card marriage?”
“No, I meant fucking up our friendship. Because you’re so important to me. Idiot. Gem, I like you more than I like anyone else I know. I miss you when you’re not around. I want you. What else do you need to hear?”
I pushed him away and pulled myself up to stand on the bed, because I would not be able to argue my case with his lips so close to mine.
I leaned back against the wall, crossed my arms and looked down at him.
He rolled his eyes and sat up.
“Theo. I don’t want to lose you as a friend either.”
“What makes you think you won’t lose me if we don’t try this?”
“Is that a threat? What happened to ‘because it’s us?’”
“It’s not a threat, it’s just that when we had that conversation that was before I’d made this decision.”
“What decision, exactly?”
“To have you.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“To date you.”
“But you don’t date!”
“I date. I date way more than you do.”
“You take girls out as a prelude to fucking them.”
“Not exclusively. I also take them out as a denouement to fucking them.”
I grabbed a pillow and whacked him with it.
“Oh my God you’re so spoiled. Girls have always just thrown themselves at you.”
“That doesn’t make me spoiled if I’m grateful. And it’s not like I’ve ever had any complaints.”
I smirked. “You mean from the girls who stormed out when you told them you had to study or work, or the ones whose calls and texts you don’t respond to?”
He knew better than to continue a losing argument. “Okay. You’re right.”
The magic words! He watched triumphantly as my shoulders relaxed, just a bit. He pulled on the pillow and brought me down to my knees, on the mattress, brought his face to mine.
“But, once I make my mind up about something it’s pretty hard for me to not pursue it. That’s a fact.”
“So I have no say in this?”
“You absolutely have a say in this, you just aren’t saying how you really feel out loud. To me.”
“Says who?”
He got up and went over to pick up the messenger bag that I had not noticed was on the ground by the door. He pulled out a journal that looked exactly like one that I owned, and held it up as evidence.
“This is not a list of reasons why we should be just friends. This is a list of reasons why we’re going to be the greatest couple ever.”
I blinked. Twice. It took me a moment to process this.
“You went into my room and read my journal?!”
“It was right there on your bed and it’s not that kind of journal.”
“It was not on my bed.” Oh shit. I did leave it on my bed. I never left that journal out when I left my room. “Whatever—you went into my room without my permission and read my private journal without my permission when I wasn’t home.”
“You go into my room and smell my jackets when I’m not home.”
“It was one time and one jacket!” I huffed. That was not the same thing. At all. “I didn’t write that for anyone else to read.” I swiped the notebook from him.
He shook his head. “So that’s how you’re gonna play it…Okay. I’m going to make this happen. I’m tired of fighting it. I’m going to stop seeing other women—I already have. I’m going to take vacations with you and we’re gonna get a hammock for the back patio and we’re going to take naps in it. Together.”
I had fantasized about lying in a hammock with Theo on more than one occasion, but all I could say was: �
��There isn’t room for a hammock.”
“I will make room for a hammock, just watch me. There’s nothing I can do about the impressive size of my dick, but I promise not to split you in two.”
I covered my face and groaned. I couldn’t believe he’d read that in my journal. “Please just kill me now.”
“But seriously, there isn’t a lot I can do about being out of town for work. I’m going to be traveling internationally, a lot more in the near future, so that’s a non-negotiable. However, I am one hundred percent committed to spending more time with you. We’ll work it out.”
“I don’t want you to not be out of town for work.”
“Good. Because you go out of town for work sometimes, obviously. That’s life. We’ll make time in our schedules to fuck each other—that’s relationships.”
“That’s your definition of a relationship?”
“That’s my definition of a good relationship.”
Now it was my turn to roll my eyes at him. “This is too messed-up. I need to live on my own. I’m gonna crash with Chloe and Ethan first, but then I’ll find my own place.”
“Why don’t you just move in downstairs? Or keep your room and I’ll set up offices downstairs. I can fly my team down here to work sometimes, that way you’ll have the upstairs to yourself more. And I’ll hire you to design the offices.”
“Theo, I…I can help you with the offices, but I need to live away from you.”
“Why?”
“Because I need my own space.”
“I can give you all the space you need.”
“Says the guy who texts me nonstop and just drove two hours to see me after reading my journal.”
He took the journal from my hand, tossed it away, grabbed me again and playfully threw me back down onto the bed, straddling me and pinning down my arms, his face hovering over mine.
“I need time to think about this.”
I have never seen a smiling face look so serious.
“Go ahead. Think of it as Gemma & Theo version 3.0. All the capability you’ve come to love and rely on plus added features.”
“What was 2.0?”
“Us being married. 2.5 was us being married after your breakup.”
“So the new version would be?...”
“Best friends who are secretly married but openly dating each other. Until such time when we decide to be openly married. To each other.”
He kissed my neck.
“You’re really freaking me out right now.”
“Good. You said you liked that I push you out of your comfort zone.”
“I never said that. When did I say that?”
“When we got married.”
“I never said that. I have no memory of that ceremony.”
“Then how do you know you didn’t say it?”
I tried to push him away. He was right again. About everything. I knew it. I just wasn’t ready to believe this was real yet.
He bridged the distance between us again. He cradled my face in his hands and spoke softly. “I’m not going to argue with you about this. I know what I want, and I just came here to tell you. I’ve been lying to myself since I met you, but I know how I feel and I know what I want now and I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t just love you as a friend and I don’t want to lose what we have but I am so attracted to you Gemma. I want to have sex with you and I don’t want you to date anyone else. I want you, I want you to want me, and I know I just said I don’t want to lose what we have—but fuck that—I’m willing to risk it because I think we have barely scratched the surface of what we can be together.”
Holy shit.
“This was always the thing that was just about to happen between us. The only thing stopping it now is you. You can keep telling yourself you’re scared of this if you need to, but you did risk the possibility of going to jail just to keep me from having to move back to Canada. There’s a daring side of you that’s willing to get dirty and I’m going to have so much fun finding it.”
Part of me was still angry—wanted to yell at him again because I was the one who fell in love with him first—he was the one who was having fun with all those other women. But part of me would always remember that I never told him how I felt. And here he was, telling me how he felt. Damn runner, always sprinting ahead of me, even when he started out miles behind.
He watched me engage in my internal monologue, and I watched him decide that he had said all he could say for now. He got up and backed away.
“Okay. I’m leaving. If you want to talk we’ll talk. If you don’t want to talk to me, I’ll wait until you’re ready. If you want to hate screw me, we should do that before I leave.”
I picked up the first thing I could reach and threw it at him. Fortunately, it was just an eraser. Unfortunately, he deftly caught it with one hand. It was hot. I hated him so much. “Get out of here. I have to get up early.”
“I’m leaving,” he said, grinning and tossing my eraser back at me. “I’m turning around and I’m gonna walk out that door. Try not to burn a hole through my ass when you’re staring at it.”
“Out. Get out.”
13
Theo
I was working at my desk in my room when I realized that Gemma was in the house, late at night a few days after I’d driven out to see her. I was wearing sweatpants, which is to say that I was innocently shirtless, and hadn’t even heard her when she got in. I hadn’t received a call or text from her since I’d left her hotel room, and made good on my promise to wait until she was ready to talk, even though I knew they had the wrap party for the film last night. I mostly trusted that she wouldn’t get drunk and straddle Ben or anyone else.
I checked my phone to see if she’d announced her presence at all, and indeed, she had texted a link to a short video of a gleefully excited yellow lab puppy running and tumbling down a flight of carpeted stairs to greet the person filming it. I would have liked to think that it meant she was that excited to see me, but I knew immediately that she was using my trick, and what would follow was going to be less than good news.
Her bedroom door was closed, and when she came out and saw me in the kitchen, that now-familiar How Dare You Be Bare-Chested In My Presence look flashed across her face before being replaced by a look of studied composure. I watched her take a deep breath and saw her lips form the words: “Here we go.”
“Hello,” she said to me, perfunctorily. “Good to see you.”
“Hello,” I replied, matching her tone and manner. “It is good to see you too. Thank you for the video.”
“You are welcome.” She didn’t move from her bedroom doorframe. She clenched her fists and looked as though she was preparing to launch into a big speech, so I didn’t say anything for a bit. After about twenty seconds, it had become clear to me that she wasn’t going to speak yet, so I tried to assuage her by bringing up a neutral topic, from a safe distance.
“So, I was at a conference thing all day today, but yesterday I set something up on the back deck, and I must say, coming home to lay in it for a few minutes was pretty great. Care to give it a try?” I used the app on my phone to turn on the deck lights, which now illuminated the optional hammock that I had installed out there. It hung between the house and a sturdy pole with hooks, so the hammock could be easily removed to make room for chairs.
She gasped and walked over to the patio doors for a closer look, seeming genuinely impressed, but also sad.
“Wow. You did it. Very clever use of space. Well done.”
“Get on in it, I can bring you out a drink.”
“I’d love to. But another time. I…actually just came to get some things.”
I did not like the sound of that, but I maintained my casual stance and let her continue.
“I’m going to stay at Chloe and Ethan’s until I’ve finished breaking down the film set, and then I plan to start looking for my own place when I have time. It shouldn’t take too long.” She finally looked back at me, for a reaction.
<
br /> “I just don’t see why you need to do that. Or why you’d want to. You can’t afford your own place without a roommate.”
“I can. A small one. In Pasadena, or Burbank.”
“You would live in Burbank just to get away from me?” I slowly made my way out of the kitchen and leaned against the counter on the dining area side.
“I like Burbank. It reminds me of the rest of America.”
“Can you even afford a nice place in Burbank? I’m not being a dick, I’m really asking. I haven’t looked into rental units in the Valley for a while.”
“I can make any place nice. And yeah, I have some jobs lined-up. Ethan referred me to his colleagues at his architecture firm. I have gigs coming up styling houses for photo spreads, and a real estate staging job.”
I walked towards her, hands in my pockets, encouraged because she wasn’t backing away, but confused about her need to move out. “Okay. I’m happy to hear about the jobs. But why are you doing this? You’re not even going to give us a shot?”
When I was standing a few inches from her, staring down at her, I could tell it took a lot of effort for her to remain so close to me, but she was looking down at my feet. “I’m doing this because I want to give us a shot, Walker. I can’t look at you when I say this, so don’t make me, okay? Promise?”
She was starting to sound like my Gemma again. “Yeah. Promise.”
Big deep breath in as she stared down at the floor, talking to it instead of me, her hands shoved into the back pockets of her jeans. “I realized I was in love with you very soon after we got married...”
What?
“Not in an I have to have him kind of way, but in a shit I can’t stop thinking about him and he’s my favorite person way.”
I knew exactly what she was talking about, but I never would have labeled that being in love. I felt bad about that as much as I felt relieved and confused, hearing these words from her beautiful lips.
Green: a friends to lovers romantic comedy Page 12